a first job interview

Well, life is a box of chocolate, and you never know what's going to happen next. I have been doing well for a while. The most drastic change is that I force myself to go to bed before or around 12am and get up around 8am. It has been helping lift my daily mood tremendously. Last night was one small exception, because my downstairs neighbor has a sharp laughing sound that is able to penetrate my floor. So I got up late.

I went to spanish class first. I have been studying spanish a lot recently, and think that I have begun to get the trick rolling. Now when I try to read spanish aloud, I feel like I am reading in spanish rather than faking some weird sound. Then I went to the dance class. I had a good workout there. When I looked at myself in the mirrow of the studio, I really saw a dancer, confident and calm, focused and smiling. Tomorrow Martha Graham company has a master class and I think I am going to take it.

Then I did some boring work in the library, mostly photocopying. I did a run after. It is rare that I run in two consecutive days. It means I am in a very good shape these days. Couldn't feel better. Then I went to a dinner. I think they invited me by mistake. But hey, the food is nice, and I just sit in the corner, smiling all the time when listening to other people's conversation. Mmmmm, Jamaican chicken....

Then I got an email, inviting me to my first job talk interview in hongkong. Well, I am not really excited about that job, but I am excited about the fact that it is my first job talk. It is part of the game of being in academia. I am a good sport and will play it to my best. Besides, I get a chance to be back in China again. Maybe I will finally finish up my 26 blogs about friends (still need W, X and Y) in China. In another note, I have an interview with a consulting company too. Next Tuesday. It just makes me happy because I have many options now. It feels like a king.

Ok, it is 11:50pm. And I need to obey my own rules to go to bed now. Maybe tomorrow morning I should practice some piano. Ha.

A dump day

Today is one of the crappiest day in a while. Here is how it went. I thought I would get up around 8am, but I slept until 10am. Then wasted some time online. Came down for breakfast and then came back to my room. Read some magazines. It was lunch time, so I ate some leftover. Kept wasting time after lunch. Until 3pm. Went to a friend's place to get a video camera. Went to the gym to choreograph my dance piece, which is due tomorrow 6pm. I found I was in a historical low in dancing, and my creativity was totally clogged. When I watched the video of last quarter, I was quite good. But I am no good any more. Very frustrated.
On the way back, I began to yell at myself (it helped that the homework for the voice class is to yell at something. So you can say that I am doing my homework. But I think I was really yelling at myself). Now there are still 5 hours to go before today is over, and I just took a nice shower. I hope that the rest of the day will be better. I guess I will call Zexum in an hour.

A short one (What's the point?)

I do not know how typical it is for human beings. But for me, once a while, I would ask myself, what's the point of studying spanish, what's the point of taking dance classes, what's the point of managing this co-op house, what's the point of blogging about the friends and rediscovering all those amazing memories, what's the point of trying to have a long-distant relationship, what's the point of loving some music while dislike others? The list could go on and on, and I often find myself being trapped in this line of travial questioning without a clear answer.

I think I need to believe something that is outside of rational deduction realm. Otherwise, i would be without an exception depressed by the prospect of human life. Everything is in vain, and it is great if you never realize that, but it is depressing if you do. And this depression would never go away if you are already a thinker. You just keep fighting with it, and hopefully you will get yourself on top on some days. But then again, what's the point?

Well, I do not know. I feel I have some problems in adapting myself back to the life in school after I had a great vacation in China, and I will get through this one, I believe, soon.

My friend (Alphabbq)

I have to write this one down for now, because if I wait until tomorrow (well, it is actually today, because It has passed midnight) to read Alphabbq’s blog, it is definitely going to change what I want to say about her.

How should I start? I do not know. Meeting her in this city is so random. I went to Tianjin to her Talldeep, and then got a phone number of a friend, and then I called the friend and got Alphabbq’s phone number. Then I came to this city and now saw her for the first time in 5 and a half years. It is quite amazing that we still meet each other after such a long time. Thinking back, I was never a good friend of her before, except that we were in the drama club together, and except that she helped me land a part-time job in CCTV.

If everyone can be described as an object, her object will be a piece of crystal glass. For three reasons. One, glass is transparent. Second, glass reflects whatever it takes in and is not judgmental. And third, crystal glass is fragile.

I hung out with her for two days in the city with her. I had a lot of fun, and never felt bored when we were together. And I also realized that I have known so much of her already in these two days. Sometimes I feel I had a hard time to communicate with people. One type of people do not like to talk at all, so what can I do? The other type like to talk a lot, but they are talking about their theories, their ideas, their rational thoughts about the world. And I hate this kind of boring conversation very much.

Alphabbq is different. She would think of some random experiences and then just say it out. She never judged whatever I say or whatever I do, so I feel liberated to tell her everything. For example, she is the first person to whom I talked about my two failed pursuit of Asian-American girls and my recent love interest of Zexum (Of course, through emails I have told a couple of my good friends. But in person-to-person interactions, Alphabbq really put me at ease). I also told her my past confusion about whether I am homosexual and showed her how I turned 360 degrees around the pole on the train, and I did not feel embarrassed. Being with her reminded me that I was such a kid indeed. In fact, these two days reminded me the time I spent with my one and only girlfriend 7 years ago (In Beijing, when I met with that girl, even she could not remind me the past golden time, because both she and I have changed so much). I was about to tell Alphabbq that, but when I asked her about her boyfriend problem, she seemed to be a little defensive. So I just let it pass to avoid any misunderstandings. But in case she will read my blog, then she will know, and I believe that she will just take it as its face value and do not judge what I mean here.

When we entered a music store tonight, I immediately realized that she loves music. She could stay in front of one CD station for a long time, just to sample different music. So I got a gift idea for her. I bought her a CD of “X&Y” by Coldplay. I never really liked Coldplay’s this third album. But these two days, when I took the train to meet her, my ipod without an exception played the band’s first two albums, which I liked very much. So I know the gift has to be Coldplay’s. But the music store does not seem to have these two albums, so I got “X&Y”. I think she was happy when she got my gift. After hugging her goodbye in the train station, I played “X&Y” all the way back. Actually, it IS a decent album. Well, I guess sometimes I like things not just because these things are of the highest artistic quality, but also because these items represent a connection to my friends.

Fragile? What do I mean here? Well, I am not really sure myself. I told her that I liked to learn to tell fates by looking at people’s faces. Most of times, I would be quite sure what kind of life people would lead, even if later my judgment turned out to be wrong. But Alphabbq’s fate seems to be a big “Depends”. Her personality is very precious and very utopian. When I talked to her, I felt that I am beyond the secular life and I enjoyed the feeling very much. But at the same time, I also understand that this personality is not very adaptable to the real world. I guess that’s what I mean by fragile. If she has a large group of friends that appreciated her style as a supportive network, she will be doing great in the future. Still idealistic, never compromise and making great documentaries. However, if the people around her turned out to be some stupid secular persons (I hate these people, as these people make me feel inadequate while wasting my time to adjust according to them), then she would have a hard time too.

Well, these two days are amazing. Alphabbq and I definitely had a connection, because we could understand each other just like two friends who have already known each other for a long long time. Sometimes I feel the connection got a little bit intimate. And I guess I really want to be part of her supportive network, and she will be mine too. And I guess I will put her blog under my bookmark link so that I can get her updates once a while.

And besides, crystal glass is the best metaphor I had for my friends. Nothing could fit her any better. And now, when I am ready to sleep, I cannot wait until tomorrow to read how she described our meetings in her blog. Good night.

My friend (Zexum)

Zexum is a name I made up in 30 seconds, and I immediately liked it. It has less to do with the name, I guess. It has more to do with the person I want to blog about now. After I finished “Urby” blog, I skipped a little all the way to “Z”. I know this blog will take me some time, so I should start right now. It is Jan 5^th, 2006, three days after a fateful day in Hangzhou. Now I am in Hongkong, and I think of Zexum. I hope she is here with me right now, in this lonely hotel room, writing my blog and preparing my presentation for tomorrow. Different from all the blogs before, I am going to try my best to just tell the facts and let my readers to judge how I feel about her in this blog.

I got to know Zexum back in high school, when I was “Gao Er” and she was “Gao Yi”. We were both in Literature Club. She was the president and I was the vice president. That time, I was very good in maths, physics and chemistry, and was confident enough to take on a new thing: literature. For her, literature came naturally, as she was sympathetic, intuitive and outspoken. Both of us were model students and did not make mistakes in our studies.

Quite some stories in the Literature Club. We had a small office, and I often liked to study there. We tried to organize “Literature Salon”, but it went nowhere. I carved a stamp for the club, just for fun. Through this club, I met another good friend, Wondre, appearing in another blog. One day I put a fake “Reader’s Letter” in the mailbox with the signed name “Xiao Wang”. Zexum thought it was real for a long time until one day I told her the truth. I guess I liked to see her puzzled or surprised, because her innocence struck me as something very pure.

We also put on a show “Venice’s Merchant” by Shakespeare. I forgot most of it, but believed it was fun for putting up the show. I am still struck by how brave I was back then. I think I still had the pictures somewhere. Probably my grandma or my parents are keeping them right now.

Sports meeting. Zexum was, and probably still is, a good long-distance runner. She stayed on campus because her home was quite far away. After getting up, she sometimes ran with the athletes. I am still impressed by her well-round development (For me, I can barely make the passing grade in P.E. classes). In my “Gao San” year, she finished first or second in woman 800-metre event. I went to the vender to buy some flower. I intended to get some carnation, but since that was the last of the sports meeting, it sold out. So I got three red roses. I was shy back then, so I asked a young kid to deliver the flower for me. I could not remember whether I was secretly happy to know that rose was my only option.

Some time during my “Gao San” year, my mom had a stroke (See my previous blog about my parents). I decided to do something meaningful for her. Because she could not talk then, I wanted her to listen to good stories. So I picked up two or three short stories I liked, and then I asked Zexum to record her stories on the tape. She did it. My mom later never mentioned the tape. Maybe she just threw away the tape because the stories were quite bullshit. I was very happy that Zexum recorded the stories without asking me too many “whys”. Maybe I just wanted to bring back a young and healthy mom, and asking Zexum was a natural choice, as I was not embarrassed to let her know my love-and-hate relationship with my parents.

The high school period was ending. During the summer vacation, I invited Zexum to watch a movie together: Forrest Gump. I wrote an essay afterward as a weekly writing assignment. And Forrest Gump is still one of my favorite movies. She also seemed to like it. I still remember that we biked back from “Ying Du” to her mom’s shop. It was a sunny day, and I was in a high spirit.

During college, I often dropped by her mom’s shop in vacations back home. Zexum was a good daughter, so she watched the shop for her mom. Sometimes I would bike through the shop unannounced to see whether she was there. If her mom was there and she was not, I would just fade away without being noticed.

One summer or winter night (I forgot which year), I asked her out to McDonald’s. We finished the food and walked back. I was pretty sure that the following exchange happened. When we walked through the intersession of Zhong Shan Lu and Kai Ming Jie, I told her, “If I was as grown-up in high school as I am now, I would have pursued you.” And she replied with something equivalent to “Me too.” (Okey, now I am sure it is after I broke up with my girlfriend, otherwise I would not say things like that. It is very possible that it is the summer of 2000, just before I took off for the United States). Then we laughed, as if it was an indication about our trusting friendship. I walked her all the way home, and did not remember any other things.

She finished college and then went to Beida for master’s degree in 2001. I saw her three times afterwards.

1 (summer 2002). I saw Zexum and her mom together in Beida. Forgot most of it, but remember vividly that we had dinner upstairs of a place whether students watched videos. The food is “Bao Zi’, as I can remember. Wind blew away our napkins at one point.

2 (winter 2004). I was teaching in Renda then. I saw her and Wondre together in Beida. They treated me with some coffee in some basement coffee shop. That day, Zexum had a boyfriend, tall and shy, probably not as smart as me (sorry, unknown guy, but I did make the comparison that day). I went back. My roommate in Renda also wanted to talk, because a little girl was pursuing him rigorously although he did not like her at all. So we turned on the TV and took the Channel V. We talked and talked. He talked mostly about that little girl and how to get rid of her without hurting her. I talked about all the missed opportunities of having a girlfriend and all I did was running away and running away, from home to Beijing and from China to the States. I did tell him that I had the feeling of “Chi Cu” when I saw Zexum’s boyfriend. I am still surprised by my wording, but “Chi Cu” was the exact word I described my feeling to him. We talked until 4am.

3 (Jan 2^nd, 2006).

At the night of Dec 29^th, I had the realization that I have already liked Zexum. The reasons for the realization are probably the following two: 1. I finally had a complete ending with my one and only girlfriend; and 2. I realized that I had been running away from my feelings all the time. If I ran again this time, that is it. Before, I could always regret and come back. However, this time is different. Now I am graduating and the visa issue would probably prevent me from coming back easily for a while. I could still try, but without a legit reason, I do not believe I would try at all. That night, I was very excited and had some trouble sleeping.

Dec 30^th night, keep thinking of it.

Dec 31^st, I decided to test myself. I told myself, if I could run the loop in my city, I should be able to have the courage to give it a try. I ran it, passed all the passengers like a breeze, surprised most with my sports shorts. I did it.

Jan 1^st, I got the disappointing news that Zexum could not come to my hometown for a meeting. All my planning was ready to fall apart. I met Wondre and her husband at night. Right before the meeting, I made up my mind to go to Hangzhou the next day.

Jan 2^nd, Hangzhou. I saw her….. I am not ready to describe the meeting in details for now, as I consider it to be private. For example, if she eventually says no, I do not want this blog to remind me about my failure for the rest of my life, and I do not want other people, even my dear readers, to show pity for me, even it is sincere. I will write about it if she says, “Yes, please. Come back in March and let’s give a try!”

That’s my story with Zexum. I have been describing facts all along, and now I am ready to present some subjective views, thoughts, feelings and hopes. Please bear with me if they are highly biased.

I’ve tried my best to reconstruct my story with Zexum. These interactions are mostly short but memorable. The memories are bits and pieces, but putting together, I believe that Zexum is the best girl I know of right now. Really think about it, our story has all the ingredients of a great love story (Yes, I am biased, but I still want to say that). I am quite puzzled by why I finally admitted my feeling towards her and why now. Is it because I am more mature now? Or am I tired of being lonely? Am I tired of pursuing some idealistic love? Or do I finally look deep into myself and find out that I have already met the best girl? These are all tough questions, and I am not able to answer any of them for now. All I know is that I want to give two of us a chance to start and to see how it goes. For that, I am willing to sacrifice or compromise my stubborn self.

This is the last post of my blogs about 26 friends. I will keep putting in new friends as I see fit. They will probably follow greek letters. Looking back, I am quite satisfied with all 26, or to be precise, 27. This last friend is myself. In all these blogs, I never detached myself. Rather, I want myself to there in each single one. As I described my friends, I knew myself much better. I make friends and peace with myself in the process. I know I care about the people around me even though I do not want to admit it sometimes. I also know I am deeply flawed myself, in ways that have not been realized by even my dearest friends.

It is the first month of 2006, and I still do not know what is my future and what will make me the happiest person in the world. But believe me or not, I am getting closer to figure them out, day by day, blog by blog. Thanks all my friends, whether they have appeared in my blog or not. You are my heroes, and thanks for having entered in my world, touched my heart, noticed my vulnerability, made me think and write, and taught me love and care. Happy 2006.

Writing plan

I want to skip a little bit on the friend blog. The plan is: W is Wondre, X is Xxyy, and Y is Yuphen. I thought I would blog them when I was in China, and at that time, I was, fresh off meeting them. However, now the time is a little passed, I am a little unsure about when I am going to do that. For one thing, I want to put their name down here, so they will eventually be blogged. At the same time, I want to skip them now into Z and Alpha.

My friend (Vetline)

Vetline is very defensive. That’s pretty much summarize Vetline. That’s the blog.

Okey, okey, I am just kidding. How can I only use three sentences to be done with Vetline? True, there are no memorable stories about him (since he was very cautious and defensive, so he was never controversial enough to make good stories). However, nothing can stop me from making judgments about a person by connecting small dots. As you all know, I am super judgmental, and put everyone under my microscope without mercy.

Vetline is a great person, but he does not want to admit it. That’s how defensive he can get. I was in the same dorm with him. He was handsome and kind. He had his strong beliefs towards almost everything, but he tried very hard to hide his core beliefs. He was smart enough to put up some peripheral stuff on the surface, so when people attacked, he was safe (For example, I regard his strong “nationalism” sentiment as such a peripheral belief). I never figured out why he grew up to be like that, with such a strong ironic combination of ambition and caution. One thing for sure, he used this strategy only for self-protection. He never used it as a weapon against other people. In fact, he tried hard to feed you what you wanted to hear and what you wanted him to do, and sometimes you began to neglect that small portion of insincerity.

I know this above paragraph is rather harsh. I am sorry that I felt that way, because I am one of his good friends. He is a great person, so great that a small imperfection like that really stands out to bother me. So I have to get it out before I write about his greatness.

I still remembered that I had some long conversation with him in the dark of the night. I can no longer remember the contents, but I am sure these conversations were not very personal. Both of us tried to hide our personal problems, but talked about things on a higher level, like national education, the meaning of life, the way politics should work, stuff like that. These conversations never made me a better person, but rather, they made me a smarter person. To some extent, he and I were quite the same. We were not personal, we hid our emotions, we put up masks to protect our self-esteems, we always meant good to other people, thinking of other people’s reactions all the time. That’s how we got attracted to each other to be friends, but that’s also the reasons why our friendship never took off to be one of the greatest.

I visited his city during my stay in China. In fact, he is the reason why I took the trip to Shanghai in the first place, because he told me that he got married and he got a new apartment. I got there and was welcome warmly. As usual, I paid special attention to their interactions to figure out what is going on. The amazing part is how the girl is able to poke fun of Vetline’s defensiveness and still make him comfortable. Now here is the more amazing part: Vetline actually liked it when he was made fun by the girl. Why? Well, here is my understanding. Think of a kid. He would normally avoid a hug from a stranger, but he would allow his dad to throwing him around. Rationally thinking, he would more likely to be harmed by his dad’s throw than a stranger’s hug. However, the trust makes the kid to fall for his dad. In fact, he even gets a thrill from being threatened but being safe. I regard Vetline’s relationship with the girl as the same. Feeling safe, Vetline could finally relax to forget about all the defensive strategies and enjoy personal interactions in their natural state. I am happy for him, and I hope he is enjoying these relaxed interactions much better than those philosophical, political, sociological and personal conversations that we all said we enjoyed (I lied if I used to say so).

Well, this blog is my most unsatisfied blog of my friends so. Vetline is one of my good friends, but Vetline was a person who provided me with few stories to tell (Cautious and guarded, he probably hardly makes the main actor of any people’s memories. In fact, without my last visit to him, I would never imagine). I tried my best, only finding that I over-used my rational analysis. Who knows? Maybe it is my defensiveness that puts him on the same gear, or maybe I am totally wrong about him, or maybe he acted very differently to different people, so what I got here is a very small glimpse of his personality. I want to finish this blog with a last story. When I arrived at Shanghai, I was read to tell Vetline a personal event which happened one day before to me. But eventually, I did not. I guess I was not at ease, and I did not understand why. As friends, we share a lot, everything but personal events. It is fortunate that our friendship would be always stable and rational, but it is also sad that we probably realized the masks between us, but never able to take them down.

My friend (Urby)

Urby is again one of my college friends. He has curly hair and positive energy. He is smart but low-key, has an appropriate manner in social interaction, always have more friends than you can imagine. He does not seem to be selective in making friends, but strangely, after a while, only honest ones stayed friends with him, while others left. I do know why, maybe charisma?

I was definitely not a friend of Urby back in college. In fact, I barely knew him. The only incident I still remember is as following. In senior year, he posted some ads for buying a second-hand bike around the campus. One day his room phone rang and I picked up. It was a potential seller. I came down and was ready for doing the transaction for Urby. God damn it! The campus security guards were following the seller. When the bike was about to change hands, we were caught. Both the bike and my money were confiscated. Worse, I had to wait in the campus security for an hour and then was shipped to Hai Dian Security Bureau. Nobody cared to talk to me there, so I left after a while. That’s what happened. Not exactly about Urby, right? Yep, that is to show you how little I actually know Urby back then so that I have to use this filler materials.

Things changed after college graduation. I still needed to work in CCTV and Clady after graduation, so I needed a temp housing. Mr. Q and Urby were living in a shabby place around Beida then. Mr. Q. was going back home, so I took his place (or something like that). Now Urby and I were stuck in Beijing together in the cheap place. Then, I did not know that I was about to start my best time in four years of college.

Life was hard back then. I had day shift and night shift unpredictably. Once I had about 40 hours non-sleep: a day shift in Clady and a night shift in CCTV, followed by going to the US embassy for visa the next day! I forgot what Urby was doing then. Probably also earning some money. Despite harsh life, we still had quite some spare time. I think I went through all the books by Jin Yong, one by one, rent from a place within Beida. We also bought eggs and Man Tou every day, cheap, but tasty back then. We had a rice cooker, and we used it to cook everything: vegetable, egg, corn, and even hot pot. We also had a rabbit, inherited from a friend who stayed in Beijing for a short period (I remember I blogged about that friend in a previous blog). We were talking about killing and eating the rabbits in the end of our stay, but eventually, I let the rabbits go in a residential area in Renda.

Urby was a great conversational partner. He still is. Some people (for example, me) were picky in conversation topics and easily got impatient if the conversation did not go the way I wanted it to be. For Urby, anything goes. One night, we debated a very stupid topic: In order to get the most out of a electric fan in the summer, shall the fan face inward or outward, stand on the table or put on the ground? (Until today, I still think it is one of the most stupid debates I have ever engaged. But hey, it is really fun!) I forget what’s my view and what’s his view on the debate. Maybe we just tried to disagree to make the fun conversation going on. The conversation soon went louder. I used a lot of knowledge from physics, and he used his everyday experiences. We could not convince each other. Then followed the best part. Our landlord came and knocked our door like a monster. We were very scared and shut up immediately.

Well, when I wrote the story out here, it does not sound as good. But it is indeed one of my best memories in college. Now every time when I met Urby, we would digest this episode again and had a good laugh. Laughing at the stupid landlord? Laughing about our poor but happy life? Laughing that the college life had finished? Laughing at this last episode of our soon-to-be-lost innocence? Maybe all of them, I guess. Maybe Urby and I were meant to be friends. But in college, we missed the chance. After college, I went away to another country. The two months in transition, living together, is the only memory that we can grab on to make a statement, “Look, world, we are friends!” Poor landlord, who lad her day that night, became our laughing materials for ever. Without her, Urby and I wouldn’t be as close as we are now.

I saw Urby two weeks ago in Beijing. He looked all right. Still happy and positive, laughing all the time, still acted like the Urby I used to know. He switched job from a famous company, and I believe that is good for him. For one thing, I would never question Urby’s judgment. Of course, we had a good laugh about the landlord again.

I guess I really miss the time then. Life was so simple. All the classmates just started a career, so no stupid comparison needed to be made. Everyone was poor and everyone was aimless. Now the class is stratified. I hate very much to be labeled as someone from overseas and already seeing the world. That’s why I made every effort to recall those stupid episodes and pretended that I am still one of them. And I believe other classmates are making the same effort. However, when time passes, we will soon be alone again. If I predict correctly, Urby will disappear from my life sooner or later, because the only things that connected us are just some fading memories of stupid events. This blog is to remember a perfect friendship that never existed and a golden time that would never come back again.

My friend (Talldeep)

Her Chinese name literally translates into Talldeep, so be it. I used to think she was the most influential person in my life so far. She probably still is, although I have passed the stage of officially ranking people around me.

I met her through drama club in Renda. She was from “director department” from Central Drama College. Then she was young and I was little. I forgot why I all of a suddenly liked her, since she and I was in two different short plays. One thing was sure. I was quite impressed by her free spirit, and I swear that I had never met a person like her in my life: talking loud, laughing loud, hugging you all the time, talking right to your face rather than reserved, walking like wind, big eyes, pretty, and smart. Most importantly, she paid attention to me, and believed that I had a potential to be great. Today, I feel my impression might just be false. However, the impression really gave me some motivation to be a person I thought she wanted me to be. And here I am, and I hope she have noticed by now.

In my sophomore year, I took a long road trip, biking all the way from Beijing to Tianjin. It took me 12 hours, almost non-stop. My skin took off due to the prolonged exposure to the sun, and my back hurt because keeping in a same position too long. I called Talldeep the same night I arrived. I felt I had achieved something: being somewhat impulsive, passionate, irrational, but happy. As if I had something to prove to her, as if she was my mom and old sister, although I never had such attachment to my real ones. In the following days, I just hung out in Tianjin for a week. I sold my good road bike there and took train back. In totally, I spent less than 100 yuan (plus the money from selling the bike).

Talldeep then disappeared from my life for a while. In my senior year, she was invited back. This time we planed to put on a graduation play: Awakening of Youth. Talldeep talked about this play before, and I was happy to be one of the main characters. In fact, I regard “awakening of youth” is the metaphor of my struggle, as I tried hard to open up myself, to be more intuitive, passionate, speaking of my feeling, be less judgmental and less rational. The battle is still going on, and the blog is also one of the ways I am dealing with it. Anyway, the play was shown one month before graduation. I still think I did not do a great job there. The regrets still haunted me sometimes, as I felt embarrassed every time she mentioned the play. That play became a pity that I could never make up.

I wrote to her once last year when I was in the worst stage of the small depression. My therapist suggested me to write letters to the people who mattered to me. I wrote two: one to my dear grandma and the other to her. In this writing, I suddenly have this crazy thought: maybe I have been in love with her all along. It is very possible, because my rationality could easily convince me that because it was impossible so that I did not love her. But in fact, I did. Complicated. She is exactly the type of woman I will fall in love. But what’s the point here, huh?

Anyway, I eventually took off for the united states, and she married and divorced several times. Last week, I came back from the states and went to Tianjin to see her. She was a little fat now. But she did not seem to be aging. Still laughing loud and happy, still a little self-centric. When we met, she held my hand and hug me. So natural that you couldn’t think of anything sexual. We talked about the past. She told me a lot of my old friends in drama club turned out to be gays. Big deal. I gave her a dvd of my dance. She did not seem to really get what dance meant to me, but she was the closest among all my Chinese friends.

However, the whole trip is not very memorable. Everything is just routine. Maybe I gave the meeting too big an expectation. I wished she would be doing great, having a great husband and have three happy kids. No, that’s not the case. She still stands out, but not the angel in my mind. I feel that Talldeep is now my good friend. I used to give her an aura, but when I grew up myself, the aura is fading and she turns to be not an angel, but just another person like you and me. I think I am in love with a person in mind, a person I made up to make myself a better person. I do not know. It is quite complicated. I think I should be less apologetic about myself being an imperfect actor. Rather, she is an imperfect director too. I still wish her a great life, and I also know that I have grown out of her aura.

My friend (Sabin)

Sabin is a nobody, living in a small town in my province and taking a job for the local government. He is my best friend in junior high school. I have not seen him for about 10 years and hadn’t talked to him on the phone for 10 years until a minute ago. I have to write about him. I started the friend blog to understand my present, but as I dig deep, I realize that something in my past needed to be unlocked before I could understand my present. The writing is no longer a therapy for me. After some time, I couldn’t be healthier as I can tell. However, I also know some stories need to be told before they get lost in the river called memory. I should be the one to write them up.

As I have said, Sabin is my best friend in junior high school. I forget what exactly made us good friends, but here is my guess. I was a nerd back then: short, thin, nerdy, timid, conventional and never standing out. Girls probably never gave a peek to me unless they had some math questions to ask. Boys bullied me, not too much though. As my grades ranked on the top, I basically got my respect from there.

Sabin came from another town 8 hours away by bus. He came here because his dad ran a construction team that happened to have a project in my city. As an outsider, he is also not well received by students who could win popularity contest. More importantly, since he was from a small rural village, he did not seem to understand the politics among young students.

That’s partly the reason why we became best friends. It is mutually beneficial. For me, I got some sincere respect and full embracement of a friend. I got to blab that I had a friend back in school. For him, he got a crack on the network of city kids, and somehow he was also close to unlock a mind that was able to achieve on the top of the class rank. The above is the reconstruction of the history. I am not exactly sure how much of it is reality and how much by my making-up.

I almost forgot all the stories back in junior high school. Probably life was predictably boring back then. However, I remember one trip during my high school. Then he went back to his hometown with his dad. He stayed in the construction field. I took a longest trip in my life then. I remember that I got car-sick even after taking some car-sick pills. I tried my best to lie down, with a wet towel on my head. Every time we passed an inspection point, we had to hide our heads low. Obviously, the bus was overloaded, and keeping our head low helped the driver avoid some road hassles.

Finally, I arrived at the construction field. They treated me well. We did not do much, except just hanging out and playing with the kids there. One night, Sabin had a night shift (It seemed that his father ran out of people for shifts, so his son became a perfect candidate). I volunteered to take the shift too. They said no, but I managed to wake up around 2am and followed my friend. The sky was clear, full of stars. It was summer, so I did not feel too cold. Sabin knew a little bit of constellation, so we tried to recognize which stars belonged to which constellation. Sabin boasted about a telescope that his father’s team had. At night, the work never stopped. The building in construction had about 10 stories already. Workers made jokes, loud enough for people in the bottom and on the top to hear. We picked up some small pebbles from the field and threw them for fun. I could not remember whether I pissed on the field too.

That was a fun night. In the following days, we visited “Yandang” mountain. But I cannot remember much. The only thing is that we took a photo there, and I remember this because I had the photo in my possession.

That is the last time I saw Sabin. More than ten years passed. A minute ago, I called him. He was married last year, and would have a baby next year. His father is still working, but no longer has the amazing energy that used to impress me. His handsome little brother grew up too and graduated from college. His brother got into a car accident last year and hurt his legs. The legs almost recovered by now, but during the time of healing, he got quite fat. Sabin got a job in local tax bureau, and passed the civil-servant exam with a number one ranking in his town. He said he was impressed by how far I had gone after we departed: first a famous college in China, and then a famous university in the States. The praise was so sincere that I did not feel any embarrassment.

Anyway, that’s Sabin. Sometimes I tried to have a strong ending for my blog. But for him, I guess this simple finishing sentence is enough. Hope to see you again, my friend.

My friend (Rudlf)

By some strange rules that I made up right on this spot, one of his Chinese character in his name becomes Rgdlf. And I change the second letter, to make it Rudlf, and make it sounds like a good English name, although not exactly.

In age, Rudlf is smaller than all the classmates. But physically, he is large. He never got used to the dorm life. In my sense, he likes a place where power hierarchy is clear and people either give commands or receive commands. For this, dorm life is too much politics for his to handle (Did I mention that he always aspires to be in the army?). He got some trouble in junior year for sleeping trouble. He had to quit school for a while to put himself together. Maybe he is gay? (I do not know why I suddenly think of that, but just to make my blog more controversial, I want to announce here: I am quite sure that one of my dorm mate is gay. Just wait and see!)

Rudlf eventually finished college one year after us. He got a job in public security bureau. He seemed to enjoy it, as it gave his a lot of predictability that he could not receive from a dorm life full of politicking. For this, I am happy for him. In the big gathering, someone mentioned that we had some smaller gatherings on Sunday. Almost everyone knew that we just said so with no real actions intended. However, on Sunday, I got his call, when he got a car from his unit and waited for me and other friends in Renda. Other friends eventually did not show up, but I did. I want to meet friends, but more importantly, I know I have to. As he made such a good deals in trusting friends, I need to try my best to not make his trust to be disillusioned. I always say that friendship is really about showing up and being there. When I say that, I really mean it.

However, he is no longer a nice person any more. His work requires him to go down to different branches to inspect local operation. With the power, he got some habits that I hated the most. For example, when we went to eat, he treated the waiters and waitresses badly when the dish was a little bit late. Also, he likes to blab about his power of getting rid of traffic violation bills by “guanxi”. I can imagine that I would be treated badly if I weren’t his friend and had something to ask him.

Luckily, I am his friend. Living overseas added some more auras on my head. He still showed off, but in a nice way. He sincerely asked me for information about living in another country. Obviously, he is proud of me, and proud of himself by the association. He drove his car from his unit, very proud of his power of getting a car for his private use. I am happy for him too. But deep now, I hope he could be the Rudlf I knew back in college. Societal experience made him growing up, but also taught him survival skills that benefited him by crushing others. Maybe he would never realize my worry. And he does not need too. As people take different paths, who am I to judge which path is the right one for him. On the other hand, I know I would never cherish my friendship with Rudlf as much as Mr. Q., even if I try hard, even if I have something to ask him for favors, even if life teaches me survival skills just like his.

My friends (Mr. Q.)

I have promised that I would continue to blog about my friends. I will.

During my stay in Beijing, I met so many old friends. It sounds cheesy, but I still want to say that I was touched every day. They treated me well, and I am going to write about them. I will not be very selective here. What I will do is to blog about my friends I met, no matter how much I already knew them before. I try to give a random sample here.

The more I came back to China, the more I realize that I am here for a mission. A mission to pull all the old friends together, to have a conversation not too related to money, not too much complains, and most importantly not too fake. The more I came back, the more I realized that the meeting is not for me any more. It is for everyone else, allowing them to have the blagging power of having a promising friend overseas. This is why my gathering is always well received by my friends. Please do not misunderstand me as saying I am myself selfless. No, I am very selfish, because it is one of the few times that I can feel I am bigger than myself. Not about “me, me, me”, but “we, we, we”.

The first friend I want to mention is Mr. Q. I guess I feel that he slightly resembled the famous character by “Lu Xun”. Mr. Q. is pursuing his Ph.D. degree in Beida. One of the few friends who are still in college. He is a great guy, because he is always honest and straightforward. And nerdy. Just think about it. He was a party member already when he came to college 10 years ago! Because of his nerdiness, he was always picked up on by his “bad” roommates.

I actually always have a good time talking to him. I still remember the time when he and I could recite the script of “Da Hua Xi You”. Not like a lot of “so-called” friends, he never gave me credits that I did not deserved and praises that makes me feel patronized. I guess it is hard for him to survive in China just because of that, and I feel sad for that.

During our lunch together, he complained a lot about his Ph.D. study, and told me a lot of his career aspirations. His honesty really struck me, as my other friends were barely that trusting. You know, when you put all out, you are vulnerable to be hit hard, especially by stupid jokes and insincere praise.

I think he is worried about his future. He talked about the uselessness of his study, and looked for a job that could match the pay and status with his peers. He admired my overseas experiences, thinking I am in a much better positions that he is. He is reluctant to let me see his room and his wife. He even skipped the gathering. I feel that he is very conscious about his self-esteem, and felt ashamed by standing side-by-side with me and other friends that used to give him a hard time. Not surprisingly, I totally understood his dilemma.

I really wish him to get a great job and earn a lot of money. Not only because he deserved it, but because he is the one who will not use that as a status card to exploit and patronize other people, to make other people feel small and sorry. Next time if we meet again, I hope he will have less complains, and we could try to recite the scripts of some stupid movies again. I enjoy that, and I know he will enjoy that too, because deep down, both of us are nerds and always longing to take a breath from harsh reality.

My family (II)

I think I have a lot more to say now. As I am spending the past several days in Ningbo, I picked up memory capsules here and there, trying my best to put together the way I grew up. How I become the person I am, and where I am going.

My real paternal grandpa passed away last month. His life is a tragedy (maybe he does not think so, and I hope he does not think so). He looked for freedom throughout his whole life, detaching himself from gossips, loving arts, and trying hard to be independent. He is stubborn too, just like me. His whole life is tangled up with all the trivial things, to the extend that he himself probably took it for granted that life sucks. To some extend, I grew up in his mode, only I have more opportunities to realize his dream. I do not really have too much emotion towards him, as I only visited him once a while. I just feel sad when people I know passed away, as if it reminded me that life could be so light that people just lived and died with no impacts in between whatsoever. I myself never believe there is another life after, and sometimes when people died I do not even hope they would have another life. Not because another life is not precious, but rather I feel their life would be pretty much the same given another chance. But for my grandpa, I hope there is another.

My sister’s baby is growing up. I feel sad, as I see the abusive treatment of little kids in real action, in my family. I really hated my parents for that, as they were the ones who are most abusive. I can do little. I am sorry to say that, but I do see a life is withering. Not physically, of course. But I bet the mind would be destroyed soon. I am really really sorry.

I know I am being critical here. To be honest, it is unfair for them, as I just show some pities towards their everyday life and then running away to a faraway country. But sometimes, I know I am born to be critical, never satisfied with the way that my loved ones are and hoped they could be perfect. I take the blame for being like that. Selfish indeed, as if by blaming them for the imperfect ways, I can contribute all my own failures to them while maintain my own inner-peace. What a fake!

Thanksgivings-"people's co-op" (Part 2)

Before I continue on my friends, I want to further talk about me. So here is the delimma. When my life is a piece of shit, my blog shines. When my life gets back to track, my blog stinks. I do not know which situation I want more. When I am down, I definitely wish for happier days. But when I am "feliz", I surely miss the time that I was mentally and emotionally challenged, as if life is more colorful that way. Well, I surely cannot choose on this level, but ain't I making the choice every day?

My week went by fast, and I did not even have time for running this week until Satureday. No good. On a bright sight, I find myself gaining confidence in the path I am about to take. You know, I am applying for assistant professor, post-doc, consulting firms and law schools at the same time. Usually, I was very shy when people asked, "what do you want to do?" Well, now I am confident enough to believe that there is no right or wrong answers and to claim, "I do not know, but I will be the one to find out!" Well done. Also, the newly-gained confidence allows me to admit that I hated some boring people all along and believes in my own judgments, some of which stereotypical. I guess that confidence and arrogance really comes hand in hand, and I hope I am not turning a bad person because of that. Good or bad, at least I am more sincere now than ever before.

Today I had the 100th run on campus drive. It is about the distance between SF and LA. I will probably keeps running. What's the next goal? Las Vegas? Pheonix? It sounds really exciting, but I guess I have to take one step at a time on the ground. Running has become such an integral part of my life, now for no reasons. Pure and simple, breathing in cold air, feeling the leg muscle become heavier and heavier, in the sun or in the rain, feeling sweaty or feeling sick and weak, chasing other runners or passed by them. Just run. I am already planning a 101st run on Wednesday.

Then 100th marks give me some bragging points, as now I can legitimately put my last year behind, and look forward to something even better. To be honest, the past year was weird. I still do not understand that I totally lost control over myself and had to deal with a lot of issues. The good part is that I found a lot of new friendship when I showed my vulnerability. I also had some good stories to remember, no matter how these experiences had impacted me. Had girl problem twice. First time it was a failed pursuit that went nowhere, and I still believe that she and I will make a nice couple. I am still quite confused with the second time with D. Probably from the day one I already got the message that it had no future, but still I was blindfoldedly drove to a dead corner until I realized it was in vain. She later asked me whether she had took advantage of me. Of course yes, but on the other hand, I also took advantage of the situation and escaped from my own loneliness and from dealing with my own issues. Well, I guess it made it even.

Ok, now the real heros of this blog: my friends as "people's co-op"

The third kitchen manager is a guy. He is doing a good job, but not under my stanrdard though. Well, not a single kitchen manager is doing a good enough job to pass my test. I am a bad-ass. He is responsible for dairy, and there is just not enough whole milk for me. He also likes to order expensive orange juice, probable just because he likes it. Well, he is a great person, but I do not believe he is a good manager. However, the beauty of my job is to work with all kinds of managers. I believe I haven't let my dissatisfaction shown in a visible way.

The RCC is good and bad at the same time. I spent Thanksgiving with him and his friends and had a lot of run. We had grilled steaks. We burnt a lot of things: charcoals, marshmellows, donuts, sticks, CDS. Then some stupid tennis video game with Mario Brothers. He also introduced me to a game called "world of warcraft" and gave a free referral. And then I spent the day after thanksgiving for 14 hours playing that game. I was exhausted at 4am, and decided to delete the game for good.... To be honest, RCC does not have a lot of responsibilities to begin with, so he is doing just fine.

Finally, there is my roommate, the FM for the house. I will have a seperate post for blog for him very soon, but here is a brief sketch. His working style is similar to me, so I feel very comfortable working with him. He probably does not have too much creativity (except that he is a musician), but he did all the solit work for the financial situation. Certainty guaranteed if you work with him. He kindly invited me to his house on Dec 17-19, two days when I do not have any housing. Giant kudos to him.

Overall, this team is great. Although I tend to be picky on each individual, I love them as a team. Each one of us has our strength and weakness. i am a boring person, but i get jobs done. Other people sometimes slack off, but they are really fun to be with to cheer everything up. So one word to summarize it all: Love.

Walk the line

I watched a movie "walk the line". Somehow, I was deeply touched. It is not like another cheap chick flick that used music and slow motions to make you cry. Rather, it calmly portraited a life that I am so in awe and admiration. Now I am listening to Jognny Cash's : At Folsom Prison. I have this album in my album in my ipod for a while, but now I have a very different understanding. It is now much more enjoyable.

One thing that struck me is that there is no wasted life. I tended to be very calculative about my time, trying to achieve the most benefits with lowest cost. But I felt small now. I felt I am not free. I am constrained by my rationality, trapped in my own jail and shouted but the noise was tiny. I hope one day I would be free, doing things I really like to do (comparing to now: I do not even understand what i want to with my future), and have a unique life experiences. The other thing is the relationship between Johnny and June. I mean, their relationship has been exaggurated, but heck, it is still amazing.

Thanksgivings-"people's co-op" (Part I)

I think it is time to write one blog now. Last week is very hectic, and I did not do too well. I did not even find time to go for a run! However, I am taking a deep breath now, since this is the first day of the nine-day school recess for Thanksgiving. I feel it is time to log in a list of "thanks". The big thanks should go to the management team in my co-op. Here, I want to give a sketch for everyone, and this is my way to thank all of them for a solid quarter. I call the whole team as "people's co-op". It is the "p" entry of my friend blog.

A is the Resident Assistant (RA) for the co-op. He is tall and skinny. According to my understanding, he is a christian gay. I do not know how people can reconciliate gay with christian belief. But since religion is bullshit, I guess you can twist it in a way that you feel comfortable. A is funny cheerleader type. He is the champain of trivial knowledge. When we watch "family guys", he seems to understand all the jokes. I probably understand 1/10 of them. He usually lead the staff meeting. He made conscious decisions in making the meeting funny, but sometimes also makes the meeting too long, as he tried hard to make reference to something remotely funny. He has the capacity to be very mature and responsible, but for some reasons, he keeps coming back to his funny self.

B is the social manager. First of all, I do not like his working style. He can be very commited for something, but he can also be slacking off if he does not feel like it. Very impulsive and unrational. But as a team, I am happy we have him, as a lot of genius ideas coming out of him. For example, last party we had, we had a jumping castle and cotton candy machine. Amazing! I do not know him quite much, as he usually hung out with his gay friends or were busy in his product design homework. He could be selfish, as he stabbed in the back of the financial manager in a meeting with house supervisor. But as far as I could interact with him in a way that makes him feel alright, I have nothing to complain.

C is one of the kichten manager. She is "awesome", as people said on her facebook wall. She is indeed awesome, as she acts like a mother figure in the house. She has a lot of knowledge about managing the house. She is also tall and strong, which adds to her authority. She always wants things to be perfect. As a result, she is easily streesed out. I still do not understand why she does not have a boyfriend yet. IN my mind, she will be the best girlfriend. Well, men are strange animals, aren't they? She has a minor dialexia, which makes her have a hard time in academic studies. Indeed, from the bit and piece I know of, she sometimes could fail the exam or homework. It is too bad. Actually, she will probably move out of the house next year, as she partially blame the kitchen manager responsibility for contributing to her failing. I wish her the best luck, although I did not see that it really makes a big difference. Maybe one day she will find out, since she is such a well balanced person, academic failing is really no big deal.

D is kitchen manager 2. I can tell she does not particularly like me, as we are opposite of everything. She is on the track team of the school, and she is seductively pretty, especially when she smiles. She is super transparent, as you can tell whether she is happy or not by looking at her or having a simple conversation with her. Somehow, i think she is mad at me: In one email to the house, I forgot to put her name on the manager list. My bad.

back to life

I finally can take a breath. Sorry that I did not keep up with the blog recently. I guess I have probably lost all my readers due to my laziness, but what the heck, because I am writing on.

I feel I am a lucky person in a lot of ways recently. Last year, I all of a sudden felt being cut off all the supportive network. I was stuck in the middle of two cultures and two continents. But this year, my perspective has changed. Remember I said I am applying for law school? Well, the reason why I was reluntant to say it out loud earlier is that I was afraid to alienate my “friends”, especially that I have been hiding this secret from them for such a long time. Errr, as it turns out, a lot of people are actually positive or nuetral. My Chinese friends, the soc fellows, the dance group, my fabulous staff members in my co-op, general residents in the co-op. Even my adviser and other professors are not pissed off by me. I guess most of them are doing that out of respect of my own decisions, and it by no means is full endorsement. However, half-assed nodding means a lot to me already. Thanks. It feels great that I am finally get rid of my secret and also know that it has not hurt anyone, although it might catch some of them off-guard. By the way, I am talking to Hope about her law school experience next Wednesday!

I am going to choreograph a dance piece this quarter. It begins to come together. It will be a fun ride. Also, my running reached 95 today. Also, I am ready for a re-emergency of friend's blog over thanksgiving. My plan is getting everything done by the end of this year. I am feeling the kick of aging, as I get tired easily in dance classes and sometimes feel my knees are a little stiff. However, mentally I am ready for an exciting year to a full fruition.

hoo-hoo, one more chapter

I finally put my ass together and got one more chapter done. Shame on me, because I had promised to get it done 35 days ago. Hope my advisor wouldn't be pissed.
On a side note, I am going to choreograph a modern dance piece for bent spoon company. I am going to collect vocabulary of movement in the coming week. The title of the dance is "bean on the floor", refering to a story in my blog "Niang-Niang".

About hugging

These days I am receiving a fair amount of huggings. And to be honest, I like it. Biological studies have shown the benefits of huggings and cuddlings, and I am hoping I am actually reducing my future risks of heart attack or stupid cancors.
My Chinese friends tend to think I am selling out for American culture, and I am sorry they think this way. Deep down, I am even regarding them as cowards, hiding behind a cultural shell that allows them to be safe but limited. To my defense, I do not prefer American cultural just because it is foreign. For example, I was in a renaissance faire yesterday, and I think that culture is so creepy and pervert: everyone dressed like a noble but talked like a whore. I could feel sexual tension in the faire. I believe some people must be turned on by the victorian era's style. Well, renaissance culture is as western as you can get, but I hate it.
The same for my home culture: hugging is so reserved for the most intimate relatonship, so people now tend to think hugging with a sexual undertone. This culture makes me very uncomfortable to be around with my American friends, as I observed their bodies are free to make any contact, while I am as rigid as a block of wood.

rolled out

I had a very weird dream last night. I cannot remember exact, but I know that I was in a movie or some dramatic event. A kid was sent to a orphanage, but he told the administrators that he took a wrong turn on the street and that's why he ended up in the orphanage. The administrators let him go. I am the one to take the kid with me. Along the way we saw a group of kneights chasing a girl who carries a dog. I told the kid, "something bad is going to happen."

Well, that's all i can remember. Then all of a sudden, I was waken by heavy door knocking. I thought to myself, "it might be my neighbor's birthday." My roommate got up, openned the door, and then let me get up, "you just got rolled out by Bent Spoon Company." I dressed myself, hugged three girls in the hallway, and was let to a nearby dorm where we had a small meeting and some nice coffee cake.

To certain extent, I have to say I am lucky. I had some serious doubts about my approach to my life here for some time. I felt I lost touch with Chinese student community, while at the same time I could be melt into the American community. I often had feelings that i am the one who is stuck in the middle, like an isolated island surrounded by several continents which i do not have bridge to access. But recently, things began to change. I made some effort to reconnect myself with other Chinese friends while still being myself. At the same time, my big gamble of trying to dive into american culture finally seems to pay off. by "pay off", I do not intend the dirty way, as if my master plan is always to access the culture regarded as "superior". Not at all (although readers, i am not mad if you think this way). Rather, I am finally enjoying myself in a crowd that i feel that I belong to. It is like the island finally drifting toward and reconnect to the land mass, and I am not alone any more.

So that's a lot of thought for a single roll-out. Thank you, Nicole, Marcela and Melanie. You guys rock. I am going to give my best in the company.

after a long hiatus

Haha, a new quarter finally starts, and I am as happy as hell. Allow me here to laugh out loud before I dig into petty details. Hahaha.

So what s happening? Well, a lot to catch up. First of all, remember in one of the older blogs in which I said I had kept some secrets for a long time? Well, it is finally the time. I took LSAT test three days ago. I did well. The whole plan is that while applying for a academic job in sociology, I will also set my eyes on top laws school. The possible outcomes of either choice make any speculation impossible, but my bottom line is: whichever path gives me a “top” choice, I will go for it. It has been awful to keep this secret away from even my closest friends for so long, and it really made me feel like a bad person and a liar. And now I am ready to put every bit of the secret behind and enjoy life and enjoy friendship guilt-free.

For those of you who are still interested in my “friend series”, sorry about the long hiatus. I have to admit that I ran out of materials for a while. Now the school starts again, and I am making new friends and reconnect with some old folks, the series is poised to continue. Actually, I have had some great ideas about the next several blogs. Please stay tuned. But for the next couple of weeks, I will need to finish another chapter of my dissertation in order to do well on the job market, regardless whether I am going to take it.

Start a Spanish class. Me lloma Songhua. Y tu? Did I just get you off guard? Anyway, sometimes I do not understand myself on this: Why I am okey with spending time in learning new skills, but have no desire to get to know the real world at all? Upon knowing my law school plan, one friend asked, “oh, my, how long you plan to stay in school?” Well, it might just be my inertia. Since learning things from books gave me so much advantages throughout my school career, I am now locked in this learning mode. The illusion is that learning from books will hone my skills of learning from real world in the future. True or false I do not know, and only thing I know is to get my finger crossed.

I get much done recently. Amazingly I am sleeping 6-7 hours a day, and I am just doing fine without dozing off in classes. I guess that’s an indication of my getting of the “depression” list. Last year I think I need 8 hours of sleep but still feel tired. Some days I am still feeling not super good, but I guess it is just like most other people. That girl and I sorta re-establish our friendship. We had some good time chatting, and I do not really care about the incidents at all, and I hope she forgot about it too. But on a side note, if I am not attractive to her (who seems to share so much with me), what kind of hope I have to attract any girls? For now, I accept this as a settled fact but than trying hard to disprove it, but it makes myself sad no less. Really, it only needs one girl to change my over-sweeping statement, and I hope it is going to happen soon.

I am a person with prejudice. For example, I think a lot of people around are stupid or lazy. However, is it okey to be fake and not hurtful? Or it is better to tell the truth, be sharp but offend people? Or I really need to change myself into a less prejudicing version? If possible, I want to pick the last path, but it is so impossible, so usually I will pick the second when I began to get comfortable around people. I will tell person A, “Hey, I think person B is stupid.” And then person A will try to educate me, saying it is an awful thing to say. So I have two choices again. One, next time be fake. Or two, stopping talking this way to A (maybe say “f*** you” along the way) while maintaining my sharp criticism against everyone else. The second path makes me a lesser person, but really, that is me.

Happiest for a while

I guess I am really really happy recently. Moving back to Terra is a blessing, and I feel like home here. Especially I am the house manager for the house, and the responsibility takes the best of me. I think this is the first time that I feel I am an unreplable asset of the house. I learn so much, but I am also giving so much.

But my dissertation has to take a back seat. I am so sorry about that to my advisor, who seems to have high hopes for my job prospect. Well, I will address that very soon. I hope the responsibility will raise the efficiency of my time, so I can do everything well. I know it is hard, but when I am as happy as I am now, I feel I can pull that off. If you, my readers, believe in me, I know you won't be disappointed in the end. And thank you if you wish me good.

Writing

God damns you , dissertation! I have been planning to write a second chapter for several days, but each time I wanted to start, it just reminded me how unoriginal it is. Sigh... But you know what, I guess I will create some originality along the process of writing.

Proud of my swimming today. I did "pulling" (freestyle without foot-kicking) for 200 meters. Some updates, the running around campus loop 100 times is three quarters done. I ran the dish for the first time several days ago. Well, I guess I could check off one item on my "must-do" list. Also biking to a nearby Boronda Lake. The guard did nto let me in, because I am not a resident of "Palo Alto". But I got in anyway with a back trail. On the way back, my bike got a flat tire, but I fixed it myself with some new procurement from a nearby bike shop.

pub night

I had a lot of fun this weekend, of course, at the expense of getting any work done. Last night I was in a pub with J. As you probably know, I am a person who rarely go out at night. I guess I had too high an expectation about myself, hoping that I can behavior perfectly in a social situation. Ironically, this expectation gets me very intimidated in social situations. I felt stupid when I cannot understand conversation happenning right across the table in a loud environment. What if I ask the bartender a stupid question? Or after he/she gives me a list of beer, I can only understand "Miller"? Stupid indeed, but this kind of thought takes myself permenantly off the social scenes. So it is a good step to be out. And I told J. about my imtimidation, and it felt good to be honest.

I hang out with Amsobol family both days. It was fun. I knew more about some mundane stuff. And I planned to go camping and finishing with my friend next week. And I am going to play some poker tonight. I called my Niang-Niang tow nights ago (I almost forgot it because I was so obsessed with "24"). I feel it is time to write her a letter again. I will try to print some pictures online so I can mail them together. I think whenever I can forget about my work, I am a better person in general. Otherwise, just a selfish bastard.

It is easier to run out of ideas about my title than those for the real contents. So be it. I have been watching the tv series "24" in the past weeks. It was a good story, and I was equally amazed by my control over myself to wacth it only at night and roughly 1-3 episodes a night. Get much work done last week, and I feel i am in a good position for any possibilities next year. A new deadline is on Sep 10 for another chapter, and I think I should be able to finish it, no problem.

I went to the beach last night, illegally. We had a pretty big bon-fire, while discussing variaous topics, from racism to religion. I realized that conversation is a great way to organize my own ideas. No wonder people want to hang out rather do readings. I've preferred the latter, but the former might turn out to be just as good. If that is indeed true, then all my years of trying to get ahead with heavy readings will turn out to be a giant mistake.

Maybe I should take some fun classes next quarter to make the most out of my last year here. Two classes in my mind right now: Spanish and piano. Both will be cool.

do not need title

Perfect time for blogs right now. It's saturday, and I just watched a stupid movie "dodgeball" with my roommate's brother. Now there is still some time before going to sleep. These days I am very not motivated for blogs. I thought the new column I am writing for Beijing Daily would rekindle my interest of writing, but they took two of my articles, putting on the waiting line. So I just wait too, will resume writing my column when they begin to publish mine.

Just finish three-day house sitting for my friend. I think I really enjoy having my own apartment in a short term. Walking dogs, making dinners, biking to school are wasting time if I have to do it every day, but it could be fun in a short run. One dog, "Shelly", ate cat food, so I yelled at her. Now she learned the lesson. One morning, the light woke me up, and then Shelly climbed up on my bed. Both of us slept for two more hours. It is nice to have another living thing to share your bed. The cat still does not allow me to hold her. Another dog "Ren" is getting really old, and I think he will die in one year. Just think about one year ago, he was with us in Vegas, walking on the hot street, full of energy.

I am thrifty. I think about money a lot. Of course, I am saving money for something right now, and even invested money a lot bit this year and got quite good returns. However, that's no excuse. I hope I can be cooler about finance in the future. Of course, the best way is to be rich, since rich people do not care much because they have plenty. But I want to change even without being rich.

Next week is crucial. If i can finish revise this one chapter, I am two third ready for the job market next year. Also, I can claim this summer a huge succeed. I plan to recount everything I do during the summer when the summer finish. It will be a hit. All right. Go to sleep.

a day of events

I think I had an eventual day today. I was with a middle-school friend for te whole day. (Some of the followings might not make too much sense, but I will write it anyway. I will make a "blog about friend" about her soon). With her, I was always a little bit annoyed but felt challenged. I thought my way of living is positive and proactive, but in comparison to her, it is nothing. Yeah, "challenged" is the best word to describe my feeling towards her. She is indeed like a perfect reference point for me, from which I can see the direction of my life more clearly. Thanks.

I pretty much took today off. I then went to my friend's house and went back for a farewell party of another friend. I am quite able to make a good impression in social scenes. You know, to make good contacts for the future, or possibly find a girlfriend along the way. However, my problem is that I always think the time I spend in socializing is not worth the time I read books or writing papers. So I never make a commitment. However, today I decided to just relax, and it made a difference. However, what about tomorrow? I will again hide back in my ivory tower.

One major reasons for my lack of interest in socializing is because my life is still wrapped in one big secret. Fortunately, I will no longer need to keep this secret for long. The time is coming, and I think my life will take a turn too.

About my life, isn't it?

All the recent blogs have one feature: They are not about me. You may ask, "Hey, how is YOUR life? Any danger of falling apart?:-)" Nah. But here are some updates about me. Since this blog is "about my life", I shouldn't be apologetic about it, should I?!

Recently I am juggling many balls in the air at the same time: writing a paper while writing chapters of dissertation and at the same time searching for data for another paper in my mind, summer camp one weeks ago and ALC program for the next three, about 40 hours of work (I slacked off a lot though), led my advisor's research group to finish some codings, just finished Harry Potter book, house job in my co-op, daily routine of exercises (running, swimming and gym in a three day rotation). Oh, I need to move office next week. Why, because my crazy department has a great plan to move everybody around, just for fun, or for the sake of keeping us fit my moving those giant desks. Thank you very much. By the way, I hope my friend Amsol is still planning to go to Vegas so I can tag along. It is pretty cool to race with time this way.

I had lunch with Brey the other day. He asked me to find a girlfriend "today, right now!" Well, I guess I am such a coward, living in a safety bubble of work and too afraid to take any personal risks. On the other hand, I hope I am really making progress in breaking the old pattern. Eye-contact, feel comfortable in talking to people, it is okey to talk about myself or make weird sound, no afraid of physical contact of slapping or hugging. That's the goal. By the way, I'd never danced in a party until the party in the dance camp. So here is a more specific goal: dance in a co-op party next academic year. Forget about self-embarrassment.

The girl I was blogging about since last september and I finally put things behind and were back to be friends. Something to cheer about it, isn't it? It is comforting to know that I am not a wierd person in her mind after all (No matter how many counselling sessions I had, I still care about how other people think of me. Pathetic, but live with it). I helped her a little last time by sharing my experience with writer's block (she is writing her thesis right now). It is good to know that my fucked-up experience can do some good.

Also I am going to teach a lecture in English this Wednesday. My first lecture not in a mother tougue ever! Excited but nervous. I know I will put it off okey, but the waiting process isn't that fun. I am about 2 thirds of my goal of 100 campus loop run, although the hot weather dampened my motivation and slowed my pace.

Harry Potter

Just finish the latest harry Potter book. It is a good read. Here is my prediction of the seventh book 2 years later. I believe most of the prediction will turn out to be correct, so do not read it if you want a full enjoyment of book 7.
1. Harry and Ginny will be a couple. Ron and Herniome, also.
2. RAB is Ruphrus Black (an idea from other discussion forums, and I believe it).
3. Snape is good.
4. Snape and Lily had a romantic relationship before. Lily used the half-blooded prince (Snape's) book when slughorn was the teacher. They figured out all the hints together and put them down on the book.
5. James Potter was a bully and was mean to Lily. That's why Lily fell for Snape, also a victim of James. Snape wanted to kill James because of that, so he turned to Voldemort.
6. However, Voldemort killed Lily too. That's why Snaped hated Voldemort, and that's why he is on the good side. That's also why he also does not like Harry, because he is also partially responsible for Lily's death.
7. Dombledort trusted Snape because he trusts the power of love. The death of Lily put him in the side of good. Voldemort underestimated the power of love.
8. Neville is actually the original chosen one. Harry was chosen in the beginning as a double to protect Neville. However, Voldemort mistakenly chose Harry, and now Harry is the eventual chosen one. Neville and Luna.
9. Draco will turn good.
10. There is one death eater in the current faculty of the school, though I am not sure who. What's why Dombledort chose death to get away. He would come back to life, or something equavelent to that.
11. Some scenes will take place in Azbarkc Prison.
12. Harry might be an extra piece of Horcrux.
13. Harry will eventually realize nothing can be perfectly pit into good or bad. He thought his father was a hero, but he turned out to be an unforgivable bully. He thought his mom was flawless, but she turned out to have an affair. Snape hated him, but he is in the good cause all along and he was good to Harry's mom. Knowing that, the ending is easy to explain. Harry destroy every other Horcruxes except the one within his body. He has to live peacefully with it for the rest of his life. Good and evil in the same body. Dombledort's words echos, "Good or bad is not about your ability, but about your choice."

kayaking in Monterey! 

Upward Bound

My second column article

When we grow up, our idealism begins to wear off and cynicism takes over. We do all kinds of cost-benefit analysis for our possible actions and then surrender with a heavy sign, “nothing matters”. No more childhood dreams of “being a scientist” or “saving the world”. We take any jobs that help raise the prosperity of a fancy car and a spacious apartment. Well, that’s a world from the perspective of a cynic like me. Once a while, however, my altruistic self will dictate me to do something different. That’s how I got involved with Upward Bound.

Upward Bound is a program that helps low-income high school students in preparing for college. My duty this summer is tutoring 7 Hispanic high school seniors three nights a week for a month. They are all from low-income immigrant families. They were picked into the program because of their potential in succeeding in higher education. Compared to the kids from the dance camp (see my last week’s column), however, they have much less resources to realize their potentials.

To be honest, they do not study as hard as any of my friends back in my high school years. Although I am their tutor, they do not ask me academic questions quite often. Instead, they like to horse around during their study-hall session. One guy Ronnie is the clown, always making people laugh, but always behind his own homework. Yuni is the loud one. She has a tall figure and an amazing smile. She can start a hip-hop dance, or even fight with boys, in the middle of study session. Ivy and Christina are quiet and patient. They are the ones who get homework done in time and help Ronnie on his homework in their spare time. Meleto studies Chinese this summer to fulfill her foreign language requirement. She asked me once what was “small study”, and it took me a while to figure out that she was talking about “elementary school”. One night, all of them got curious about Chinese. I taught them a bunch of Chinese words. Now they say “Ni Hao (hello)” when they see me and accuse each other as “Shu Dai Zi (nerd)”, and then giggle.

Today is the last day of the tutoring. I missed their talent show earlier. When I arrived at their study hall session, the excitement about the performance hadn’t died down. They performed a dance again in the lobby along with music from laptop speakers. They showed me clips of the show. During one section students described their kisses with metaphors. “My kiss is like taking a shower, warm and will go as long as you want.” “My kiss is like coconut, sweet in the beginning and smooth in the end.” And my favorite, “My kiss is like time, which never ends.” The audience screamed like crazy. Well, I am impressed by their potentials, not only in kissing or Chinese, but also in succeeding in college. I wish them the best in applying for college next year.

starting a column in Beijing Daily

The first probably will be published next week!I am going to start a column in Beijing Daily. I guess writing is my thing of communication. While maintaining this blog as some private thoughts to myself, the column is about a revised me that I want people to know. I will tell all my friends and relatives about the newspaper and the link soon. Here is the preview.

Beating a Lake

If you are obsessed with your own popularity as much as I am, you probably search your name on “google” three times a day, hoping your own homepage come on top. Well, it might work for you, but I have no match with a lake called “Songhua Hu” as well (in Chinese, “Hu” means lake). I figure that starting a column in a newspaper might help me jumpstart my popularity that even the super search engine “google” has to recognize.

Without a doubt, life is a popularity contest, starting when you are young. Take a summer camp for an example. I was a counselor for the dance camp last week. Fifty-seven kids of 13-16 years old, converging from all around the nation, took modern dance and hip-hop classes in my university for a week. Their raging hormone made them energetic and tireless, but it also led to a craving for attention and an ego bigger than the hill behind my campus. However, my favorite dancers are always those kept their cool and poise. They often hid on the back corner, moving on their own rhythms with grace. When you spot them, you suddenly realize that, beyond all the popularity contests, ones who do not care eventually win.

In the middle of the camp, Harry Potter book came out. Campers began to read it like maniacs. One of my fellow counselors, Nicole, finished it in two days by sacrificing some sleeping time. Younger kids were even more into it. They would leave the lobby immediately when Harry Potter topics came up, afraid that the discussion would ruin their enjoyment of discovering the plot on their own.

At night, we played games and watched videos. The game I love the most is called “Catch-Phrase”. The rule is that you have to describe something without saying the exact word. For example, when you say something like, “a rectangular thing you sleep on”, the other players guess what you have just described. Whoever shouts out “bed” wins the point. A non-native speaker of English, I have the natural advantage of making up silly descriptions. Kids laughed at me when I described “sea” as “a big chunk of water” or “comb” as “something to sort out your hair”. Of course, sometimes I just intentionally made mistakes to crack them up. My favorite is to guess “the scientific name of spit” as “vomit”. We all laughed like kids. Well, they ARE kids, and I just pretend to be one of them.

Oh, Kids (cont.) II

Last night, before I went to bed, I wrote down the following.

"Now it is 00:48am. Today is the last day of the dance camp. I have the sudden realization that I might have done some injustice to the kids in the dance camp. I am not frigging Jesus Christ, and really have no firm ground to judge people as imperfect. Besides, we had a good time, and moral judgment is pale in front of the happiness. I do not want to leave a negative note on those dancers, because they are great. Here are some very silly episodes I want to tell.

There is one girl in the camp who is an amazing dancer. I always hid behind her so I can mimic the movements in dance classes. She is very poised and cool. Compared to other girls, she has a mental stage beyond her age. If there is anyone in the camp who actually saved money to pay for this camp themselves, I believe she is the one. You can say I am her secret admirer, or even have a little crush on her, or whatever. I have been dying to tell her that she is a great dancer, but never got a chance. Yesterday night, when we had a small party, she was one of those who did not go (She was too cool for that). When I walked pass her door, I found her door was open. So I knocked the door, and she was reading the most recent Harry Potter book. I stepped in and had some random talks about why she did not go to the party and whereabouts of her roommate. Then I told her that she should keep dancing, because she has such a talent in dance and a perfect personality to become a great dancer rahter than a dancer of cheerleading type, which I hate so much that I cannot even start to describe. Then I came out and felt great, just for no reasons.

I also played catchphrase with four young girls. I suspect one young girl might have a crush on me, because she stared at me a lot when she described the word. I had a great time. We were laughing so much that it almost felt like I am making up in this camp for all the bad times I had in the past year. One girl liked to say, “You are weird.” One girl was quite weird, doing mostly random things with spoons, cups, and cards. One girl was calm, and a little depressed. She has a pretty face. There must be something else going in her life that bothered her. One last girl is a friend of the third girl. She did not stand out in any thing, but she is a best friend.

I cannot believe everything is almost over. I am such a sucker, because I am so easy to get emotionally attached to people. I guess I have much love to give, but never really find a way. So every time I spent some good time with people, I wanted the time to stop. But time will pass, and memory will fade, and I will be with other people and hopefully will have as good a time as I have right now."

Ok, the dance camp is over. I am exhausted, but really happy that we took care of those kids very well. Last time I mentioned that if only one group of kids could remember me, I hoped it is the Upward Bound kids. Now I hope these dancers can too. I hope they will remember the big kid who performed hip-Hop on their side, who ran like a maniac in "capture the flag" and accidentally tackled down the girl I described as Liv Taylor before, who got so excited in "catch phrase" that the throat almost cracked. Some of you might remember me as "intense" and "guarded", some of you might remember me as "Sugar Ray" (because of a mistake in catch phrase), and others only remember me as "Songhua!" (emphasis on the exclamation mark). Whatever, but remember me.

Oh, Kids (cont.)

Want to finish off what's left yesterday.

I had fun with the Hispanic students today by teaching them some Chinese phrases, from "Wo Ai Ni" (I love you) to "Shu Dai Zi" (geek). They loved it.

Just a side note. Hispanic is the future. I notice that Upward Bound is well run by a bunch of second generation college educated Hispanics. Their ethnic solidarity amazed me. They all bond together. It is much better than Chinese. I think they will have the US in the future.

Enough detours. Now I am getting back to my main track. My second group is the dance kids. They are mostly white and spoiled. They are mostly female. Three guys though. One is a white trash, who hates all immigrants. Of course, he does not hate me, because he likes to have “Chinese, Japanese, Korean friends”, but not the ones from the southern border. One is called “fag” by the white trash. I do not think the statement is necessarily true. In fact, he has a soft voice and likes to hang out with girls. I think he is just taking advantage of the situation (to hang out with girls). The last one is a kid living in his own world. He does not look at people as often as it should. Actually, he is sorta afraid of human interactions. Remind of myself in the past though. I wish he will grow up all right.

The girls. How should I start here. They are all beautiful and smart. No kids are obese, for sure. Great dancers, some of them. One girl reminds me of Liv Tayler. Actually, if I manage to get all the movie stars’ teenage pictures, their attractiveness will be about the same with the girls I am taking care of right now. But something bothers me, because they do not live up to my expectation. I know, I know. I am hypercritical, and it is unfair to them. They grow up in their resourceful environment and anything bad about them should be blamed about the whole society. But they are my easy target, so sorry, girls.

First, they are selfish. They have an ego larger than my rationality, which I regard as breaking some record already. What they talk about every day is “me, me, me”. One girl is sick today. But here is my own explanation. Part of the reason is that she suddenly lost attention in the big crowd. She used to be the star in high school or at home, but now some girls are prettier than her, or better dancers than her. It must really hit her. She is sick, therefore. When Mike and I sat with her, she began to cry. And Mike gave her some compliments, and all of a sudden she is all smiling. Damn. Before, I probably would think that this girl is so innocent and down to kid’s nature. But after I hang out with those Hispanic kids, everything is in a different perspective. I only hope people give those kids more attention, give them compliments, encourage them, really (or even pretend to) care about them. My volunteering thing starts as a half-assed commitment, but now I really felt that I am making a difference.

Second, camp kids know how to take advantage of situation. One girl, after assigned in B-level class, told us that she want “challenge” so she wants to shift to the advanced level class. Nothing wrong with that. But it strikes me that how those white high-class girls know how to talk to the right people in a right way to take advantage of any education. In contrast, those Hispanic kids are not really taking advantage of me. They are intimidated to talk to me at the very beginning. Only until recently, after I have established as someone they can trust and feel safe, they begin to ask me questions and talk jokes to me without any hesitation.

Both groups of kids are adorable. They are a world apart, probably would never understand each other's life. Indeed, i am a lucky guy, being able to tap into both comminuties. My Chinese identity helps me somehow, because people have low expectations about me at the beginning and then find out that I have enough stuff to impress them.

So here is the question. If I have to choose one group to giving my blessing, who would I choose. To be honest, I love them both. But to be fair, I want to give the Hispanic kids my blessing here. Those dancers are already well endowed with all those good luck, and a blessing from a guy like me does not make a difference. But for the other groups, they probably can use more of it. So here I go, with the affirmative action of my own consciousness, I wish the Hispanic students the best. It means you, Ronnie, Yuni, Meleto, Ivy, Mayre, Christina and Bresido. I wish most of you will go to college next year. If you see me in the future, please shout out "Shu Dai Zi"!

Finally, a blog of friends (Oh, Kids)

Ok, I started the blogs about my friends, and now this is another entry. This time is a collection of people. Since it is time to "O" (Niangniang's blog takes care of "N"), so I name it as "Oh, kids". Seriously, they are all kids, about sixty of them, in two distinct groups. First of all, I want to claim that I like both groups of kids. I felt their energy and spirit most of the time and am grateful about my involvement with them. Another negative about those kids is just because I am a goddamn sociologist.

One group is 7 kids from Upward Bound. They are from low-income families, probably immigrants. They are not inspired for college, or do not see life beyond starting a family with the means of marriage. Overall. they've fucked up, by themselves or by the families they were born in. But they have the potentials, which make them to be part of the program. I am a volenteering tutor this summer for 7 kids who are rising high school senior. They are actually applying to college. I am with them three nights a week for four week. This is the third week.

They are all Hispanic kids. I like them a lot. To be honest, they are not studying hard. They do not ask me academic questions (although I am a tutor). They like to horse around. One guy Ronnie is the crown, always making people laugh, but he has little chance of getting into college because he is taking a geometry class for a third year, which normally takes one year, I guess. Yuni is the loud one. She has a tall built and amazing smile. She can start a hip-hop dance in the middle of study session, or fight with boys. Ivy and Christina are quiet and pretty. They are the ones who get homework done in time. Thye have the best chance of getting into college. They are both like mother-figures for Ronnie. Mayre is obese, stressed out, probably hates how she looks. But she manage to hang out with popular kids, like Ronnie or Yuni. Then there are Meleto and Breisedo. They usually study by themselves. Not popular in mainstream sense, but they have a small crowd on their own, just some juniors. Memeto is studying manderin this summer, so we have some funny conversation about "what's your name" "Where do you come from"? Telling from the progress, I think she is learning very very slowly. Breisedo is cool. She is the one who would blend in boys and have hit-five with everyone.

So that's my group. I like them a lot, probably more than if they all study hard and not play around at all. I mean, the latter is actually my objective, but I do not want to restrict their freedom, so here you go. One will ask, "what is the life like being a light bulb?" Then the conversation just starts without stops in sight. So the poor kid syndrome. They are in a cultural trap that keeps them back withour their own noticing. Their coping strategy is great, having fun in the short term. But in a long run, they fuck themselves up. I mean, I am not value-judging them, saying they are wrong to not study hard. I am here to state the facts, and now I feel about the facts. It especially strikes me because I am starting to take care of another group of kids since two days ago.

I am very tired right now, so I will crash the bed. I will describe the other group the other day. Afterward, a sociological theme will come up. (Damn you, your sucking profession:-). Then I will discuss the social implications and conclude with three major policy recommendation (Ha, did I just get you? I am kiddddddding:-) Good night.