Dissertation chapter

So far I pretty much secured all signatures of my dissertation committee, so I am going to graduate this quarter. My adviser especially gave it a kind remarks, making me feel like a genius. So here is my final chapter, 8 pages, double-spaced.

http://www.songhuaweb.com/chapter%206.doc

I finished watching the movie "Amedeus" in two nights. My second time watching it. I relate to this movie in several levels. First of all, I almost played Mozart back in college in my freshman year. Back then, I was brave enough to try everything, auditioning for that main part. Unfortunately, my talent did not live up to the part. Nonetheless, I am proud until today because I was even CONSIDERED for that part.

I like to think of myself as Mozart, not as talented as him, but with the attitude of being a genius. I hate to compromise to the mediocrity, so I never do. But at the same time, I can also identify myself as Salieri, because I get jealous very easily.

A face lift of my blog

My philosophy of blogging has always been minimalist. Text only. Maybe some pictures once a while. Definitely no links or crazy embedded youtube videos.

Time changes, so I decides to modernize my blog a little bit. I put up a section called "iFriends" where I put links to my friends' blogs. I put up another section called "iShare" to link to my favorite video clips, be it from Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. The new Blogger also allows me to have a more organized "iArchive" section. In rare occasions, I might link to other sites, but that would be minimal. To be honest, I do not see this blog change too much. If I really want to get fancy, I would simply start another blog. That would be silly.

So how am I doing? Pretty good, actually. I get up 6:15am almost every morning. After morning exercises, I eat breakfast before I start working. My work schedule is quite flexible, so I begin to learn all sorts of stuff: MySQL, Python, Wiki, Excel, Powerpoint, R. I am very much stimulated by learning new things. Back home at night, I would just watch a DVD or some PBS documentaries. LIfe is very orderly, and I enjoy it very much. Some day I think I will blog my co-workers. Hope they wouldn't google my name and accidentally find my blog, hehe...

I will try to publish the last chapter of my dissertation in this blog soon, so my readers, if interested, will get some ideas of what I have been working on for so many years. (One reader asked me for the dissertation draft. Well, first of all, it has not been finalized yet. Second, I do not want to bore you with all 150 pages. So read the concluding chapter, and then decide whether you want to waste more time reading a doctoral thesis). I am going to meet with my advisor tomorrow for some feedbacks.

After I started working, my weekends have become more interesting. Now I really feel the taste of weekends because it is very precious. Last weekend, I went to a friend's party on Friday. Played football video game most of the time. Saturday, I went to watch a dance performance. Sunday, I watched a puppet show in the afternoon and a dance show by Bent Spoon, of which I used to be a member and choreographed my own dance piece. It was nice to see all dancer friends, hugging and greeting, all big smiles.

Ann and Erik

Sorry for being a slacker in updating my blog. So much to say, but so little time these days. So first, let me finish this friend blog: Ann and Erik. Unlike my previous entries, these are their real names. I am sure that no readers of mine will ever know who they are, so further protection is unnecessary.

Since I have preemptively claimed myself as racist in previous entries, I have no trouble to say the following out loud. I hate white-male Asian female couples, for a mixture of reasons. For one, I understand the racial hierarchy, so I partially envy those Asian girls who have an easy time climbing it and I am also partially disgusted by white guys who seek a sense of power in the relationship. For another, I pity these couples because of their usual unhappy endings. However, Ann and Erik are a different couple. Ann was a Chinese American, and Erik is a Swedish. They are the perfect couple.

Both Ann and Erik are outdoor persons. Erik joined the army for half a year and had much experience in surviving in the wilderness, on land or in the sea. Ann grew up skiing, lived in different places, is very organized, almost to an extreme. They met in a university as students. After graduation, they did some free-lance teaching of computer sciences. Ann sought further education in my university now, and Erik had a job nearly. But their passion is always in the nature, usually making friends along the trips.

I was lucky to have them as the trip leader in a snow-camping trip last week. In the car up to the mountain, we discussed the educational experiences of different countries. On the way down, we talked about why no countries could invade Sweden. Pretty random, isn’t it?

They were experienced, but they left no one behind. For the first time in a long time, I realized that I could learn so much in someone who had a completely different knowledge set. We used two sleeping bags to fend off cold; we hang two water-bottles around the neck in the jackets so the water wouldn’t freeze. We learned cross-country skiing; we learned how to tell directions from the sun; we learned a variety of knots (most of which I already forgot)…. After the trip, Ann sent us follow-up emails about the recipe of energy bars and lunch, breakfast. We got a bill: 18.82 dollars, so precise that the calculation actually filled a whole spreadsheet. Ann and Erik are leaving for Sweden soon, to see their new house after decorations.

In a way, this blog is not well planned. I do not really know Ann and Erik. Even if I know them well, their life is rich in details so that any summary descriptions in a blog will pale. However, I still want to write it. They are the people I really want to know well. They make me feel: being opposite to my life style is really really cool. I follow the plan, but they follow the passion. Isn’t that strange that they are happier than me?!

Ski Trip!

I was cross-country skiing and snow-camping this past weekend. We all slept in 2 sleeping bags on top of two sleeping pads with all our clothes on. And it was still cold.
Big kudos to Erik and Ann for organizing this. I think I have enough materials about this couple to continue my friend series. However, now I have to go to sleep, but I promise I will get this blog done in the coming days.

My new roommate

I have had this 3-bedroom apartment on my own for almost 20 days. I was happy that I lived like a king. An hour ago, I got a new roommate. After the initial disappointment, I am actually very happy. You know, having another person around really change the dynamics of the apartment. He has a TV, so we have decided to activate the cable. I am going to watch a lot of TV this quarter!

dissertation

I finished the whole draft of dissertation two days ago. Felt like on fire in the final chapter. Yesterday I took a day off and visited Aquarium with my friends. Today I need to revise my dissertation into something more readable.

I have been swimming recently. My routine is: one lap right-handed freestyle and one lap left-handed freestyle. After 1000 meters, swim some laps with two-handed freestyles with alternating breathing. Still not mastered it, but I am getting there.

I was just called up by a nice lady from blood center. I have been donating blood since early last year. If I go this month, this will be my fourth time. I think blood donation is really for my own ego, as if I want to prove I am as healthy as I want it to be. Also, I feel that I am in demand. Along the way, if I can do some good, why not?

A new year!

Have you ever felt this incredible urge to procrastinate? So here I am, on the verge of finishing all the chapters except the conclusion, just experiencing a writer's block. It is not a block when you do not have anything to write, it is rather one that you know exactly what you can write, but just refuse to finish it off. Just got the soundtrack of "Little Woman" as well a bunch of "This American Life" achieved programs, which makes my solitary life so too bad.

So here are what I did in the past several days. Spent new years eve in SF playing board games with a bunch of nerds, and I am a nerd too. Spent new year's day with advisor and other students to celebrate his decision to stay. Today I went to the airport picking up a friend who came back from S Korea. He helped me a lot in editing my papers, and I cannot thank him enough. So any time, Paul, to be your driver.

When I just started the blog, I will get a bunch of blogs about "Songhua River" if I search "songhua blog" on google. Now my blog comes the first. It is a blessing as well as a curse, a curse because now I have to be very cautious about blogging about my jobs. (unrban legends have it that you can get fired because of your blogs.) Therefore, although I have some big news about work, I have to hold it off here. I am sorry that I cannot be completely honest here, but at least I am honest to reveal that I am hiding something from you.

*******
Mmmmwwwhahaha, as planned, I finished chapter 5. And as a bonus, I have jumped ahead of the plan and drafted the outline of the concluding chapter. Maybe I should take a break tomorrow or something. Give myself a pat on the back, hehe.

Untitled

Hey, do not tell any one, but I did something bad yesterday. When I had the meeting with my advisor, we began to go beyond the usual business and had this casual conversation. Somehow I began to show him how facebook worked. Then I logged in with my account so that my advisor checked out his son who is in college now. My advisor was quite blown away by the share power of facebook. Some "incriminating" photos indeed (taa-daa, underage drinking).

This made me wonder whether my advisor was a good dad. It is totally speculative, but he was a stereotypical "distant dad". Always deep in his own thoughts, too smart to show emotions, I wonder how much his son felt his dad was "unavailable". (I had this stereotype because of my experience with my own dad). I met his son twice I think, seemingly cool and distant to his parents. Overwhelmed by both of his parents' intellectual power, he rebelled in the opposite way. I have no idea what's their relationship is, but telling from my advisor's intrigue in the facebook, I guess that he probably did not know too much about his son.

Anyway, today when I checked on the facebook again, his son had changed the privacy setting so I could no longer access his profile. I think my advisor must had teased his son last night's dinner. The tease was of course conducted with his usual charms, but his son definitely took it more seriously.

Shit, Hussein was hanged. I had this mixed feeling. Of course he deserved it, but I was afraid that it was propelled more by US's desperation to find some victory in Iraq. Come on, crime against humanity? Humanity my ass. People argue that there are natural moral laws that everyone agree upon. It is hard to argue against it, but look at the history: 200 hundred years ago, people thought slavery was the nature's rule. 50 years ago, blacks and whites could not marry. 20 years ago, AIDS was an evil disease. Even today, people treated illegal immigrants below the level of treating their pets. So what make people so sure that their current moral codes on gay marriage, abortion, religion, democracy, human nature could withstand the time test? Hussein is a criminal for sure, but there are more criminals unpunished because they were still on the winner side, unlike Hussein.

For some reason, I cannot stop writing blogs when I am writing this dissertation. My brain hasn't been so active for a while. As I thought through tens of regression tables and tried to come up with cohesive stories, my brain also fired up and had reactions to all the news and collected all my scattered thoughts into cohesive pieces. I think writing this dissertation really made me being more reflective and angry and radical. I know I am right, but I do not like the fact that I have to worry about these big problems. Fortunately, the dissertation will be soon over. I am on Chapter 5 now, and 4 days later I will be on the final chapter. And after a final sweep, I will be done in 10 days. After that, I will just think about oil, salt, soy, and vinegar, not worry too much about world peace and social inequality.

Da blog

Did you notice that I used "da" rather than "the", to pretend that I am a gandster?

This morning I surely got up early. Watched more Sutton Foster musical clips on youtube and joined a facebook group called "I wish one day I was SUTTON FOSTER". I am not surprised that she had a strong following on college campus.

I finished my breakfast, and began to do so morning readings (I am reading Bee Season, babe!), which I hadn't done for a while. The sun just rose. Since it was low on the horizon, it spit some lights through my windows and touched my socks. That, along with unnamed happiness, warmed me. I walked out to my daily destination, the corner table in Starbucks. With the touch of winter cold air and with the warm brace of sun light, I felt like a person on a mission: Just finish this f&^*& dissertation and move on.

In fact, my dissertation went well. After that one day when I was ahead of schedule, I wasted some time and now I was half day behind the schedule. But it is all right. Life is a process of chasing deadlines, and the best mode is when you always chase and never catch. Plan to meet my advisor tomorrow to report what's going on. Pretty sweet.

Right now, in front of me were two Chinese graduate students talking. They probably did not realize that I can understand their conversation. And I pretend to have my earplugs on. Nice
Camouflage!

They are talking about what "pursue a girl" means. It is an interesting topic, but their conversation made it more fun. They were talking at a abstract level, almost like two philosophers debating. No real life examples so far. Then one guy said in English, "Next quarter I am going to date a couple of girls." For some reasons, I feel it very funny.

These two guys are interesting. One kept throwing out silly topics to keep the conversation going. I guess this silly conversation is at least better than the book he planned to finish tonight. The other guy pretended to be the wiser person between the two, answering all the silly questions with all the sincerity in the world. Even funnier is that he likes very much to throw out English here and there.

Oh, they are talking about their glory days in high school now. The wise guy told a heroic story about how he battled his addiction of video game in high school. Then he claimed that he could finish the sample national college examination in math (or physics, I do not remember) in 40 minutes, and get the full score. Holy shit. As much as I want to believe genius, I just do not believe this guy, the guy who want to "date a couple of girls" next quarter.

On the other hand, I found an eerie resemblance with this guy. I also like to put down things on the schedule and then strive for it. I like to dramatize my past, as if that way, my life could escape its inherent insignificance. I like to act to be know-it-all too. Maybe other people see me just the way as I see that guy. That is the most scary thought I have had for a while.

Social Inequality

I think I ran out of topic to discuss about. Okey, just kidding. I think I am a rather opinionated person, so I always have my two cents on almost everything. Not surprisingly, I think I am correct and insightful most of the time. So what’s the lecture today, you might ask.

Well, settle down, kids. Today is about social inequality (It is good to get all the heavy topic down so that I do not need to worry about it in the future). Why social inequality? Well, remember that I am writing my dissertation these days? My damn dissertation happens to be about inequality in China. All the elite families seemed to monopolize the educational and occupational opportunities, leaving very little to have-not families. "Oh, how horrible is that!" "Socialist system is horrible." blah, blah, blah…. I, for one, always firmly defended China, because if everyone looked at their own backyard carefully, they could dig up so much dirt underneath. China's system is not good, but so are other systems.

I am always surprised by people's ignorance about history or reality. I guess it is human nature to learn things to make them feel good or superior. To me, China's history book about the Cultural Revolution is a joke, but the history of American's Constitution, Civil War, Adventures of Columbus? Are you kidding me that's how it happened? It only made me feel soon enough we will have a revisionist history about War against Terror. Taking about brainwash. Gerald Ford just died, but how many people knew that he and Kissinger permitted Indonisia's invasion of East Timor, which killed 1/3 of the population on the island? In comparison, Saddam Hossein is not so bad after all. Now Ford had this honorable national funeral, and Saddam will be hanged in 30 days. And then what about 9/11 terrorists? How many people they killed?

Winners always write history. The more you know what really happened, you began to be a cynic. Social inequality happened peacefully, but it still counted as an act of violence (Remember the Weatherman Underground Movement?). I just takes some hard learning to discover it, not like religion, very democratic for its easy accessibility and very stupid for the underclass to think their life is a suffering with a higher purpose. People died every day without knowing who was the perpetrator, but then those high-class people worried more about the rights of an unborn baby or a dog puppy (My biggest laughing material is all the money, media attention and sympathy towards Barbaro the racing horse. Come on, people, tell me it is not serious. It is only a horse!).

All the complaints aside, however, I am not the savior for the world. What I am planning to do is to get ahead to be an elite myself. That will make sure nobody can step on me, and my best hope is that I will do my best not to step on somebody else. That's the biggest irony of all.

Racism

Okay, this blog is not supposed to give sociological lectures, but here you go. Racism never bothers me too much, as I am a firm believer of individual hard work. The belief goes: Even if there is racism, if you work hard, you can still get on top. Maybe a little more work here and there, but so what?

Well, I was recently listening to a lot of podcast. When I eat, cook or walk. One good one is "This American Life" by NPR, and a story of a Muslim family really touched me. Racism is a strange thing. If you think it does not exist, then it does not exist, because you can explain away everything with a non-racism explanation. But if you believe it is there, then it is everywhere wherever you look. Now here is the tricky part: when you do so, you yourself become a racist because you look at everything through a lens of race. See, you cannot win!

That's not bad, though, considering I am a racist myself. I did the "implicit" test, and got a "mildly racial bias" result. I used stereotypes all the time, because it was a shortcut to add certainty into chaotic life. The other day I was flipping a high-class magazine or checking out a luxury ski resort website, and you bet that all the smiling faces were white. Well, I would be hypocritical if I wanted to judge them, because I also think whites, male or female, are more attractive and classy than blacks and asians, or whatever. I speak more confidently in front of asians than in front of whites, as if I unconsciously surrender my confidence to a more superior race. I also tend to think Chinese are very racist, although I think I am better than the rest.

That's how racism persists. If you are for it, you are a bastard, but if you are against it, you are a hypocrite, because you have been tainted on the way you get to know racism. So there is no point to pick a side between "for" or "against". Really, I am not personally for or against racism. I think biologically we are wired to be discriminative against something that looks different, and we should live with some versions of it just like we live with the rule of gravity (Of course, in an evolutionary point of view, I hope, rather hopelessly, that it is going away over generations). But people, please just admit it. And I damn you if you self-righteously claim you are color-blind.

Indeed, I have profitted from American racism. Remember the mid-term election? Our department had this prediction pool. Everyone contributed 5 dollars and the winner took all. Initially I picked all democrats on swing states. Then the infamous Harold Ford ad came out (The one that subliminally suggested that black mens are after white daughters). I was like "shit", and changed that one to a red state. Boy, was I correct! Ford lost by a wide margin.

Sutton Foster

I was flipping through youtube for broadway musical videos, to kill some time on Christmas day. I found a broadway darling: Sutton Foster. She impresses me quite a bit. Her "little women" rehearsal clip is brilliant. I also spent some time online trying to find out her bio. Her upbringing was relatively humble and got into broadway almost by accident. A true star indeed. Oh, by the way, she looks like Angela Chase (Claire Danes), my favorite TV character, in the tv series My So-Called Life. I wish I can see Sutton Foster live on Broadway some day. I am a big fan now.

Christmas eve

I was in my host family's place tonight. It was pretty fun, as I get to talk to a lot of people. These days I do not have too many social events, so this one is good for my mental health. Besides, I get a whole Fondue set (plus chocolate and strawberry) as gift, and I give them a CD of Les Miserable. I guess that's when you call it a fair trade.

Just like in previous years, we talked around the neighborhood and sang Christmas Carols to strangers. Kids all had wide eyes when they saw Ed in Santa Clause's dress. I had the leash with dog, which also had a stupid Santa hat and beard. I think she hated it a lot.

I can be pretty charming in conversations. I usually do not take risks in initiating a new topic, but I can ride on an old topic almost forever. I think I have a lot of knowledge of everything (Thanks, TIME magazine and a variety of lectures). Sometimes I intentionally put up smart but probably psuedo-scientific explanations of things, but never insist upon them. Always seem to be energetic and positive, interesting and interested. The fun thing is, however, that I always regard this as a public performance. That's why I always did well in job interviews, but my personal life sucked.

Merry Christmas.

Ahead of my plan

Hehe, I am a little ahead of my writing plan, so I deserve a moment of reflection. I have tried to get back to running, so I ran in the past three days, a little under 2 miles a day. I can finish it in three Enimen songs: "Like toy soldiers", "lose yourself", and "8 mile". It was accidentally arranged that way so the tempo is faster one after another. So in the end I was almost sprinting back to my apartment. On campus there is almost nobody, so I barely see any other runners.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve, so let me talk about holidays. Why holiday? I always have this conspiracy theory that all holidays are a combination of scams. For example, hollaween is pushed by candy industry and pumpkin farmers, vanlentine's is advocated by chocolate factories, Chinese new year is backed by all the firework shops, and Christmas, of course, is the grandest scam of all. Christmas, according to my alternative history, is promoted by all the people who want to feel good about themselves. So that stringy person can feel good because they at least give gift once a year, rich hypocrites feel good because they care about homeless people once a year, old pediphile feel good because they got dressed up like kind men to hug the kids, kids feel good because they got gifts, bosses feel good because they gave employees days off. Employees feel good because they feel they cheated the system by getting paid without working, malls feel good because they made half of the sales in the end of the year, trees feel good because they got chop down to light up the human world, credit cards feel good because they got wiped more often, Santa Clause feels good because he gets a chance to travel out of freaking cold north pole and climb some chimneys, Nutcrackers feel good because good dancers play them in theater.....

All the forces, human and non-human, seem to conspire together to make this holiday happen. It in turns makes me feel good because I get a chance to attend a free dinner tomorrow as well as write this stupid blog.

Advisor

Sometimes I wonder whether writing this blog is beneficial for my dissertation. On one hand, it definitely takes time away from my real work. On the other hand, writing craps build up my confidence in writing, thus subversively speeding up my dissertation progress. One of the reasoning has to be false, I guess, but I am too nice to figure out which is which.

Just as I am writing now, I get the news that my advisor and his wife have decided to stay rather than leaving for an ivy league university in the east coast. I am happy about it, but really think about, for what reason? Nothing. I guess since I had such a good time here, I assume that it is a better place for everyone. Whatever. Do you know I am a big fan of my advisor? If not, now you know. I always look up to him. Last June in my blurb on the graduation program, I wrote, "Thanks my advisor, who has taught me that a great scholar is first and foremost a great person." I really meant it, just like how I meant it in every entry of this blog. That's why leaving academia seems to be a shameful decision for me, and I hope that would not hurt his enthusiasm in advising future students. Hey, what if I can make a name in industry?

I have liked to reflect on my life. In my high school, it was that Chinese teacher who inspired my love of literature. In college, it was that drama teacher who opened my eyes to performing arts and human free spirits. In my graduate school? Maybe it is still too early for a summary, but my advisor definitely stands as a tall figure in my path. He gives me so much space to improvise on my own, but he is always there whenever I need an exemplary model to imitate in order to do good. One month before my work life, can I write enough to express how thankful I am to be one of his students?

my bday

Okey, the title might read like "my baby", but it is actually my birthday. Did the visual trick you? Well, obviously not, because my readers are too smart for that. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was quite fun. We watched Nutcracker and then went shopping for a while. For a while desperately looked for ice-cream in vain. Missed some trains so stuck in a Millbrae coffee shop playing scrabbles. In comparison, Nutcracker is nothing, as those unplanned adventures were the highlights of the day.

Now I am back in Starbucks. Man, how many times I have mentioned Starbucks in my blog?! If someone tries to google starbucks, my blog will probably come on the first page. Maybe I should just buy some starbucks stocks, just in case my blog became famous in the near future. Anyway, I am almost down revising another paper, and tonight I will really begin to revise the dissertation.

Oh, the last harry potter book is "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". Remember I made some predictions in this blog earlier? I will see how many of my predictions are actually true.

Love these two musicals

These days when I am working on my diss… (Let's say it is You-Know-Who for fear of a heart attack. For those of you who get it, congratulation on your knowledge of children lit), I just let my ipod play. When I got totally absorbed, I usually realize the music is on after the albums have been played twice already. That's why these days I cannot get two musicals out of my mind: Aspects of Love and Les Miserables. The silly "do you hear the people sing" almost causes me some sleeping problem last night.

Let me name a couple of my favorite songs:

Aspects of Love: Love changes everything, At the stage door, George's House at Pau, Seeing is believing, She will be better off with you. (The story plot of this musical is so complicated. So wonder it was a success in London and a flop in Broadway!)

Les Miserable: I dreamed a dream (My favorite!), Who am I?, Master of the house, Little people, do you hear the people sing, On my own (Remmeber Katie Holmes in Dawson's Creek singing this song?), Castle on a cloud. (After study the musical plot, I realized that I actually read the novel by Victor Hugo before. The music just made the story much better).

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

Just follow up

Hi, just want to follow up on the previous entry. I hate the thought of working on my papers and dissertation. But when I sit down like a nerd, choosing between two words or trying to find a perfect metapher, I actually like the process of writing. I only hope that one day I will enjoy writing academic stuff as much as I write craps on this blog. Oh, crap, it is time to go home. The dude just announced that "the Starbucks will be closed in ten minutes." Bye for now.

Day II at Starbucks

To be honest, I actually enjoyed my solitary time at Starbucks writing my paper. It is as if that I am doing something important that really matters. You know, sometimes you just come to the terms with yourself to enjoy the best thing you can find for
now. I wrote the following this morning while I procrastinated from writing my paper. I made some minor revisions.

There is a couple next to me in Starbucks now. I found the lady extremely attractive. Let me analyze why (so that I can waste more time). Fist of all, she had this great voice. The voice was soft but asserting. Somehow, it was almost like singing. The voice does not have angles. It is smooth and curved. It is like a Jackson Pollack painting: The curves bounced off from each other and from the edge of canvass. Soon enough, you just got lost in the maze from the echos of the voice.

Her hair curved artificially, but not in a way that involved a lot of work. I do not think she wore a lot of make-up, which was quite refreshing. She shone with an aura of confidence. Her face was sculpture-like, and the only soft part on the face was probably her eyes, which shines a light of kindness. The skin is smooth and definitely well-toned. Probably an athlete in her high school year or college year (she is definitely college educated, I swear). She smiled a lot. Her eyes were actually not big, so smiling makes two perfect crescents.

She was not very young. She is at least 30 years old. My intuition is that she is a mother. That could explain why I immidiately felt she is nice and kind (Who can reject the notion that mother is not nice and kind?).

I do not sure the point of this blog. But since I wrote it, let me publish it.

Back to my bitching mode

Okey, since I need to finish off my dissertation soon, I have to work very hard at Starbucks this Winter break. This actually gives me more opportunities to write my blogs. The random writing serves to relieve my nerves and distract me from the real work. Of course, I will be bitching about the hard work ahead. You know, bitching is always bittersweet, both at the moment of writing and at the moment of later reading.

I went out for a grocery shopping today. My co-op closed over the winter break, so I need to find food myself. I went to a Chinese food store. I got very excited and got a bunch of my favorite food. For dinner, I cooked rice, half a fish and some vegetable. It went well, but it also made me to be nostalgic. I like these dishes because they gave me a comfort derived from familiarity. I used to eat them a lot when I was a kid because Niangniang cooked them all the time. But I do not feel I liked them tonight. The cat fish even made me a little sick. Because when I was eating it, I all of a sudden felt so lonely, so lonely. It was like an invisible hand that grabbed my heart mercilessly. I turned to a bottle of yogurt to fill my still half-empty stomach.

Well, I have been making all the choices myself ever since I discovered my own decision-making ability around high school time. Since then I have never relinguished this power to anyone else. Good decisions or bad decisions I do not care, as I am determined not to regret any decisions. Now at 29 years old and still as lonely as a solitary cat fish, am I in some sort of trouble? My best time might has passed, or it is still to come in the future, I do not know. What I do know is that I do not want to entertain the thought that I will be stuck in the current state for quite a long time. But rationally, I think I probably will. So if thinking about it is more depressing that writing the dissertation, why not go back to the writing?