I have arrived in Boston safe and sound. And tired.
Yesterday was my last day in CA. I ran some last-minute errands using my old car, and also met some friends too. My last destination is Amsol's home. Surprisingly, Elpen is there too (For my new readers: I use code names for my friends, but you probably can guess who they are).
These days Amsol is also preparing to move. His home was very untidy yesterday, with packing boxes everywhere. The stuff will probably fit in a whole U-Haul. Elpen just came back from home, and will stay in the bay area for a little bit. We had BBQ. We talked about bottled water for the most of time (weird, isn't it?)
Finally it is my time to go. I walked out of the door, and Amsol's wife gave me a hug, and said, "You can always visit us in Christmas." I was about to cry. I got on the front seat, and Amsol's son was standing on the door step. I extended my hand, "high five." He gave me a loud one, and said to his mom, "Mom, I am now strong." He had no idea that he would be able to see me for a while. On the car, Amsol asked me how I felt, I was saying something similar to what I have already described in the previous blog entries, but I tried my best to control my voice. I arrived. Amsol got off his car, giving me a big hug (I think that is the first hug between us), and said, "Isn't it weird that we wouldn't see each other for a while?" Yes, Amsol, it is weird, especially considering that we saw each other all the time, wasting countless minutes walking to the bookstores and back, debating some nonsense, or just gossiping about the department people. For that matter, Chestina likes to joke that we are as close as a married couple. I had three suitcases. Elpen jumped out of the car, and helped me check in my luggage, while Amsol circled his car around the airport.
While waiting for my flight, I called my home and talked to my parents. Then I felt that I had a hard time to concentrating on my reading of a magazine. The reality of leaving began to sink in, and I realize that I do not want the time to pass. What if everything is a dream? Will I be happy or sad when I wake up?
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Leaving
I am finally leaving for Boston tomorrow. These days it feels weird. Sometimes I am in a high, which makes feel that I can do everything just right. However, sometimes I feel in a low, which pretty much mimic my feeling when I just first started the blogging three years ago, when I moved out my beloved co-op house.
Time passes, and things move on. I still remember a famous long poem called "Fu Shi De". In that one, the main character signed a contract with the devil. According to the contract, the character will have the super power to do everything. But if he says, "It is so beautiful. Time, please stop." Then the devil will take his heart away. I think now I would rather like to have time to stop, then I can just see the familiar people, eat the familiar food, no fear about the future (since there is no future if the time stops). However, I have to move on, with great expectations from myself and from my friends and family.
Really think about it, this move is as significant as the move I made when I first came to the united states. It was almost surreal to me -- a dream turned to a reality only when my feet finally touched the soil of the states. Now it is the time again to feel nostalgia, feel that the things I have now are, and will always be, better than anything I am going to encounter in the future.
I have also decided to let my friends to know this blog. This way, if they are interested in what's happening to me, they can always just check this one out. Since I am leaving, I will not feel embarrassed to let them know my deepest fear, my unexpected vulnerability and my rather complicated personality. The only thing I request is: please do not link to my blog, because I would hate to see my blog site got pushed up in Google search. Thanks.
Well, it is time to say good bye. I rarely quote other peoples, but I cannot resist to put Madonna's "Take a Bow" here, since it is rather fitting (By the way, Madonna is one of the pop stars I highly respect. She is a great person):
Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]
Time passes, and things move on. I still remember a famous long poem called "Fu Shi De". In that one, the main character signed a contract with the devil. According to the contract, the character will have the super power to do everything. But if he says, "It is so beautiful. Time, please stop." Then the devil will take his heart away. I think now I would rather like to have time to stop, then I can just see the familiar people, eat the familiar food, no fear about the future (since there is no future if the time stops). However, I have to move on, with great expectations from myself and from my friends and family.
Really think about it, this move is as significant as the move I made when I first came to the united states. It was almost surreal to me -- a dream turned to a reality only when my feet finally touched the soil of the states. Now it is the time again to feel nostalgia, feel that the things I have now are, and will always be, better than anything I am going to encounter in the future.
I have also decided to let my friends to know this blog. This way, if they are interested in what's happening to me, they can always just check this one out. Since I am leaving, I will not feel embarrassed to let them know my deepest fear, my unexpected vulnerability and my rather complicated personality. The only thing I request is: please do not link to my blog, because I would hate to see my blog site got pushed up in Google search. Thanks.
Well, it is time to say good bye. I rarely quote other peoples, but I cannot resist to put Madonna's "Take a Bow" here, since it is rather fitting (By the way, Madonna is one of the pop stars I highly respect. She is a great person):
Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]
Friday, June 22, 2007
My Crushes (III)
Of course I have not forgot that. Here is the third installment.
Right after I broke up with my girlfriend back in college, it felt quite weird. One minute you had someone special to share your fear and vulnerability, and a minute later you had to face the harsh world on your own. Unconsciously seeking the conform and care from another human being, I began my third crush.
She was in the acting group with me. Let me call her Benty here. Benty struck me as very professional from th every beginning. She was from Beijing, always a student cadre. She was short, but was able to lead people effortlessly. She had a great personality, always happy. She acted always in a socially appropriate way. In a word, she had all the qualities that I admired and secretly hoped that I had them all.
There is one thing I have never understood. After I broke up with my girlfriend, I became obsessed with Benty. Things began to escalate, all in my mind of course, all the way to the point that I had to confess my feeling to her. Obviously, she sensed my obsession at some point. I could not remember exactly, but I must have made some annoying phone calls to her. One night I called her again, asking whether she would like to talk (liao liao). She told me that she was out, so she could not talk to me. I said okey. A minute later I saw her right in my dorm building, preparing with her debate team. (Actually, I did not see her exactly, but I saw her back with the shiny hair clipper. Until today, if you line up 1000 hair clippers in front of me, I can still recognize THAT hair clipper in one second.) I got quite furious. I called her room, and asked her roommate to tell her to give me a call no matter how later she came back.
She finally called later that night and asked what's up. I was like, "not much, would you like to talk?" "I am tired," she said. I insisted, so she finally agreed to come down. We walked around the dorm building a couple of time. I did not confess, of course, since I was too coward in front of a super-capable girl. I think I just talked random stuff, to kill the time. Finally, she said she needed to go sleep. I said okey. She extended her hand to me, "We are still friends, right?" I shook her hand, "of course.... Oh, wait, one more thing." I searched in my pocket and took out a pile of used phone cards. I had been collecting those for a while, because once she told me that she was collecting those. It was a big pile for me, as I begged my friends to give me their used phone cards for three months. She took them and left. I went back to my dorm. I climbed all the way to the roof and cried very hard, so hard that I had some trouble breathing, so hard that it reminded me my childhood, when I was named "crying king" by my dear Niangniang and surrounding neighbors.
Then that is it. I emerged from it quickly, seemingly unscratched but probably hurt deeply. In retrospect, I began to show less emotion and exert more self-control, right from that point on. The only time that I allowed my feeling towards her to take over is when we finished a drama project and all went out drinking. I got very drunk, and so did she. On our way back, I shouted, "I want to walk with XXXX (XXXX is the name of Benty's character in the drama)." So Benty and I got side by side, our arms around each other's should or waist, walking back to the dorm, very drunken. I kid you not, that night I saw a bike on a tree, probably someone's practical joke. The whole group walked from this side of the campus to the other side, and nobody wanted to go back to sleep. So we walked out of the campus and marched on the street. It was that time that alcohol overwhelmed me, and the following was the recount by my friends (I was blacked out): we walked further. We sang loudly. We got on each other's back and one carried each other. I do not know whether I got a chance to carry Benty. I was to shy to ask my friends about that. But chances are that I did. According to my friends, I did not do anything silly.
Benty and I were in the same acting group for the remainder of our college years. I acted as if this episode never had happened. We treated each other with respect and care. We were indeed good friends. Pure friendship, I would say. We were in the senior project together. I played one of the main male character, and Benty played the mom of the other main male character. I had the videotape of the play (Unfortunately, I accidentally threw that away two months ago when I moved apartment. Regret).
Several years after I came to the states, I heard that she got married to a Chinese student in the US. They met online. I actually looked at his webpage and saw their wedding photos. Talk about stalking. Later the rumor is that she started an undergraduate program in that university. Soon the webpage was pulled off, and I lost her info ever since.
To my surprise, writing this entry is quite a pleasant experience for me (I thought it would be otherwise, which is why I have been delaying this writing). I think I learned quite a bit about myself, the self that I have long forgotten. I actually rediscovered that I was such an obsessive and unreasonable person back then. Also, selfish. Now I am heading to yet the very opposite: Extremely reasonable, rational, not care to much about everything. I do not know which one is actually a better version of me.
Right after I broke up with my girlfriend back in college, it felt quite weird. One minute you had someone special to share your fear and vulnerability, and a minute later you had to face the harsh world on your own. Unconsciously seeking the conform and care from another human being, I began my third crush.
She was in the acting group with me. Let me call her Benty here. Benty struck me as very professional from th every beginning. She was from Beijing, always a student cadre. She was short, but was able to lead people effortlessly. She had a great personality, always happy. She acted always in a socially appropriate way. In a word, she had all the qualities that I admired and secretly hoped that I had them all.
There is one thing I have never understood. After I broke up with my girlfriend, I became obsessed with Benty. Things began to escalate, all in my mind of course, all the way to the point that I had to confess my feeling to her. Obviously, she sensed my obsession at some point. I could not remember exactly, but I must have made some annoying phone calls to her. One night I called her again, asking whether she would like to talk (liao liao). She told me that she was out, so she could not talk to me. I said okey. A minute later I saw her right in my dorm building, preparing with her debate team. (Actually, I did not see her exactly, but I saw her back with the shiny hair clipper. Until today, if you line up 1000 hair clippers in front of me, I can still recognize THAT hair clipper in one second.) I got quite furious. I called her room, and asked her roommate to tell her to give me a call no matter how later she came back.
She finally called later that night and asked what's up. I was like, "not much, would you like to talk?" "I am tired," she said. I insisted, so she finally agreed to come down. We walked around the dorm building a couple of time. I did not confess, of course, since I was too coward in front of a super-capable girl. I think I just talked random stuff, to kill the time. Finally, she said she needed to go sleep. I said okey. She extended her hand to me, "We are still friends, right?" I shook her hand, "of course.... Oh, wait, one more thing." I searched in my pocket and took out a pile of used phone cards. I had been collecting those for a while, because once she told me that she was collecting those. It was a big pile for me, as I begged my friends to give me their used phone cards for three months. She took them and left. I went back to my dorm. I climbed all the way to the roof and cried very hard, so hard that I had some trouble breathing, so hard that it reminded me my childhood, when I was named "crying king" by my dear Niangniang and surrounding neighbors.
Then that is it. I emerged from it quickly, seemingly unscratched but probably hurt deeply. In retrospect, I began to show less emotion and exert more self-control, right from that point on. The only time that I allowed my feeling towards her to take over is when we finished a drama project and all went out drinking. I got very drunk, and so did she. On our way back, I shouted, "I want to walk with XXXX (XXXX is the name of Benty's character in the drama)." So Benty and I got side by side, our arms around each other's should or waist, walking back to the dorm, very drunken. I kid you not, that night I saw a bike on a tree, probably someone's practical joke. The whole group walked from this side of the campus to the other side, and nobody wanted to go back to sleep. So we walked out of the campus and marched on the street. It was that time that alcohol overwhelmed me, and the following was the recount by my friends (I was blacked out): we walked further. We sang loudly. We got on each other's back and one carried each other. I do not know whether I got a chance to carry Benty. I was to shy to ask my friends about that. But chances are that I did. According to my friends, I did not do anything silly.
Benty and I were in the same acting group for the remainder of our college years. I acted as if this episode never had happened. We treated each other with respect and care. We were indeed good friends. Pure friendship, I would say. We were in the senior project together. I played one of the main male character, and Benty played the mom of the other main male character. I had the videotape of the play (Unfortunately, I accidentally threw that away two months ago when I moved apartment. Regret).
Several years after I came to the states, I heard that she got married to a Chinese student in the US. They met online. I actually looked at his webpage and saw their wedding photos. Talk about stalking. Later the rumor is that she started an undergraduate program in that university. Soon the webpage was pulled off, and I lost her info ever since.
To my surprise, writing this entry is quite a pleasant experience for me (I thought it would be otherwise, which is why I have been delaying this writing). I think I learned quite a bit about myself, the self that I have long forgotten. I actually rediscovered that I was such an obsessive and unreasonable person back then. Also, selfish. Now I am heading to yet the very opposite: Extremely reasonable, rational, not care to much about everything. I do not know which one is actually a better version of me.
Aymin (Restart my friend series)
I shipped ten boxes to Boston today. Ten boxes only. It was quite surprised to see how few items I have. Yesterday was my last day in the previous job. It felt a little nostalgia. I think I did a good job in wrapping things up and transfer my duties to my teammates.
As I got out of school and somehow managed to hop from job to job, I have realized that I need to restart my friend series. So here is a new one, starting all the way from A. Of course, all fake names.
Aymin is my colleague in my last job. He joined the team about 1 and a half month ago. Somehow, we got along very well. He was a typical jewish guy, a little nerdier than usual (no offense here, because I use "nerdy" all the time, mostly to myself). He had a bad first job in investment banking, and this job, in comparison, became his heaven. He was very well trained in statistics. He could picked up anything quite easy. He likes to learn things the hard way. (The following sentence needs some CS training to understand) For example, if you gave him a C++ library to use, he would dig up how some of the library functions are implemented, rather than just using them, like most people would do. He used to like Asian girls. Yellow fetish, if you have to put a label. He learned a hard lesson from a mean Hongkong girl. Now I do not think he dares to touch my race:-) Well, that is a joke, and all my best wishes to Aymin. I have to make the joke here because of the way he described that girl -- "soooooo meeeeean!"
So I guess I gave him a helpful hand after he joined in. At the very beginning when he started, I knew I would be leaving, so I just tried to familiarize with what I do, so he could take over it I leave. In the end, he does take over half of my tasks.
My fond memory of Aymin comes from our goofing around. Two days ago, both of us were in a video conference call. It turned out the other side did not show up, so we had half an hour to kill. We began to play with the video. First, we called into a random room, joking that we might get the CEO on the other side. Then we looked at ourselves from the video playback, and soon realized that there was a delay in the video. So I tried to turn my head real quick, and was able to see the back of the neck (and then saw a quick turn). Aymin tried to roll his eyes and then was able to see of white part of his eyes from the video. We alternated to do all weird things that we usually could not see ourselves doing from a mirror. But with the delayed video playback, we felt like we were catching a glimpse of ghosts.
Then I discovered something better. I tilted my head to one side. The video playback showed the opposite direction with half-a-second delay. Then I tilted my head quickly from this side to that, back and forth. Soon enough I figured out the timing to make the video in sync with the real me. That created an illusion of immediate video playback. Then I would suddenly stop moving, observing me in the video screen magically tilted my head once more. We giggled like two teenage California girls.
I know I know. It does not sound too fun when I wrote it out, but we were so cracked up for doing those silly things right at the moment. Soon we found that there was one guy from that random room who was staring at the screen too. Realization: Our silly videos were transmitted to the other side. We cut off the video, a little embarrassed but mostly empowered by our goofiness. Walking out of the video conference room, one guy was staring at us from a cubicle nearby. Our silly laugh must be that loud.
As I wrapped up my last day, I could sense that some of my co-workers will miss me (I will miss them too), and others probably would not give a shit. Aymin is in the former category. As most people in work place are way too pretentiously serious, I hope Aymin will soon find another goofy buddy to share a moment here and there. For me, my new job will be full of sleazy business type too. Probably no more goofing around. In some way, writing this entry is my homage to the good old time that will never come back again.
As I got out of school and somehow managed to hop from job to job, I have realized that I need to restart my friend series. So here is a new one, starting all the way from A. Of course, all fake names.
Aymin is my colleague in my last job. He joined the team about 1 and a half month ago. Somehow, we got along very well. He was a typical jewish guy, a little nerdier than usual (no offense here, because I use "nerdy" all the time, mostly to myself). He had a bad first job in investment banking, and this job, in comparison, became his heaven. He was very well trained in statistics. He could picked up anything quite easy. He likes to learn things the hard way. (The following sentence needs some CS training to understand) For example, if you gave him a C++ library to use, he would dig up how some of the library functions are implemented, rather than just using them, like most people would do. He used to like Asian girls. Yellow fetish, if you have to put a label. He learned a hard lesson from a mean Hongkong girl. Now I do not think he dares to touch my race:-) Well, that is a joke, and all my best wishes to Aymin. I have to make the joke here because of the way he described that girl -- "soooooo meeeeean!"
So I guess I gave him a helpful hand after he joined in. At the very beginning when he started, I knew I would be leaving, so I just tried to familiarize with what I do, so he could take over it I leave. In the end, he does take over half of my tasks.
My fond memory of Aymin comes from our goofing around. Two days ago, both of us were in a video conference call. It turned out the other side did not show up, so we had half an hour to kill. We began to play with the video. First, we called into a random room, joking that we might get the CEO on the other side. Then we looked at ourselves from the video playback, and soon realized that there was a delay in the video. So I tried to turn my head real quick, and was able to see the back of the neck (and then saw a quick turn). Aymin tried to roll his eyes and then was able to see of white part of his eyes from the video. We alternated to do all weird things that we usually could not see ourselves doing from a mirror. But with the delayed video playback, we felt like we were catching a glimpse of ghosts.
Then I discovered something better. I tilted my head to one side. The video playback showed the opposite direction with half-a-second delay. Then I tilted my head quickly from this side to that, back and forth. Soon enough I figured out the timing to make the video in sync with the real me. That created an illusion of immediate video playback. Then I would suddenly stop moving, observing me in the video screen magically tilted my head once more. We giggled like two teenage California girls.
I know I know. It does not sound too fun when I wrote it out, but we were so cracked up for doing those silly things right at the moment. Soon we found that there was one guy from that random room who was staring at the screen too. Realization: Our silly videos were transmitted to the other side. We cut off the video, a little embarrassed but mostly empowered by our goofiness. Walking out of the video conference room, one guy was staring at us from a cubicle nearby. Our silly laugh must be that loud.
As I wrapped up my last day, I could sense that some of my co-workers will miss me (I will miss them too), and others probably would not give a shit. Aymin is in the former category. As most people in work place are way too pretentiously serious, I hope Aymin will soon find another goofy buddy to share a moment here and there. For me, my new job will be full of sleazy business type too. Probably no more goofing around. In some way, writing this entry is my homage to the good old time that will never come back again.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Moving on
It is a time of life again. After seven years in California, I am ready to move on to the east coast. It was a wonderful half a year. I finished my dissertation, started a new job, will quit this job in one week, then take some time off, go to Austria for some training, and then start a new job. How can I hope for a better experience?
Of course I can. Somehow my first job does not work out as well as I have hoped. I can say it is actually for the good, because it became painless for me to quit this one and start a new one. However, I cannot fight off the doubt: Is it because of me, or because of the people around me? I guess one job is too small a sample to give a definitive answer, so let me try another to find it out.
So I need to move again. I need to get out of my current apartment in 2 days. My roommate gave me his spare key, so that I plan to sneak back in once a while to sleep in the living room for two weeks. In return, I am going to leave him with TV, stereo, and vacuum cleaner, maybe more stuff. Hopefully, no one from my university housing office is reading my blog, as this one is self-incriminating myself for illegal occupancy.
Busy busy busy. The training for my new job has already started. I needed to finish the online modules. They are actually quite consuming, especially those accounting sheets. But I guess it is all worth it in the end. I got another tooth extracted two days ago. Now my teeth are either good or gone, nothing in between. Doing dental flossing daily now, a price I need to pay to prevent future extractions or deep cleaning. I might need to get implants some day, because I have two missing teeth now.
So I am going to Austria next month for job training. It almost feels surreal to me, just like seven years ago when I planned to come to the states. In the process of applying for a visa, I lost my passport in a parking lot for four hours. I was quite freaked out. Fortunately, someone found it and returned to me. Americans, I love you all!
Tomorrow is the graduation day again. Last year I fake walked, and this year I could not be more different, as if the life was swirling away from its predestined path, heading towards unknown territory with a sense of awe and fear. A lot of my friends are graduating this year. This will be the last time I can see so many of my dear friends, walking onto stage to celebrate their life milestones. I do not know when I will see them again in the future. Take lots of pictures, handshakes and hugs. Everyone of us have different plan: my best friend is heading to Ohio, as his wife will start her Ph.D. OSU. Among my cohort, one heads to Portland, one heads to Missouri, both of whom have a great academic job waiting for them. I am also heading in my direction. Bye.
Of course I can. Somehow my first job does not work out as well as I have hoped. I can say it is actually for the good, because it became painless for me to quit this one and start a new one. However, I cannot fight off the doubt: Is it because of me, or because of the people around me? I guess one job is too small a sample to give a definitive answer, so let me try another to find it out.
So I need to move again. I need to get out of my current apartment in 2 days. My roommate gave me his spare key, so that I plan to sneak back in once a while to sleep in the living room for two weeks. In return, I am going to leave him with TV, stereo, and vacuum cleaner, maybe more stuff. Hopefully, no one from my university housing office is reading my blog, as this one is self-incriminating myself for illegal occupancy.
Busy busy busy. The training for my new job has already started. I needed to finish the online modules. They are actually quite consuming, especially those accounting sheets. But I guess it is all worth it in the end. I got another tooth extracted two days ago. Now my teeth are either good or gone, nothing in between. Doing dental flossing daily now, a price I need to pay to prevent future extractions or deep cleaning. I might need to get implants some day, because I have two missing teeth now.
So I am going to Austria next month for job training. It almost feels surreal to me, just like seven years ago when I planned to come to the states. In the process of applying for a visa, I lost my passport in a parking lot for four hours. I was quite freaked out. Fortunately, someone found it and returned to me. Americans, I love you all!
Tomorrow is the graduation day again. Last year I fake walked, and this year I could not be more different, as if the life was swirling away from its predestined path, heading towards unknown territory with a sense of awe and fear. A lot of my friends are graduating this year. This will be the last time I can see so many of my dear friends, walking onto stage to celebrate their life milestones. I do not know when I will see them again in the future. Take lots of pictures, handshakes and hugs. Everyone of us have different plan: my best friend is heading to Ohio, as his wife will start her Ph.D. OSU. Among my cohort, one heads to Portland, one heads to Missouri, both of whom have a great academic job waiting for them. I am also heading in my direction. Bye.
Monday, May 28, 2007
A new job
I am going to start a new job in Boston in July. That's what I have been planning for the past several months, and now it finally hit me with its inevitability.
Starting something new is always a scary experience for me. I hope that is a common feeling for all human beings, not just me. Will people be as nice as I have met here? Will the rule of game be all changed? Will dressing up in suit makes me more and more conservative? What if that is a mistake to quit a good job and pursuing a seemingly better one? As always, much self-doubt crept in, and much self-inertia told me, "What's the point?" But the other side of my head was always yearning for new adventures. It tried hard to convince me that growing through such experience is how I would finally grow up, just like the muscle pains after a gym session helped build a strong body.
Anyway, in the past several days I was traveling around. First I went to Ottawa to get my US visa (I would update some of photos soon). While waiting for the passport to be returned to me, I wandered around the city. I went to the museum of nature, which hosted an amazing collection of dinosaurs (Just say something off the track. If I were to be born in the States and learned to always pursue my passion as a kid, I would probably be a paleontologist, digging bones and studying ancient animals). I also rent a bike for four hours, almost no-stop. I think I reached pretty far in the countryside. On the way back, the rain suddenly pouring down and I was lucky to be back to the bike rental place in time, hiding under the bridge arch and watching the rain, amazed by its intensity.
Finally I hopped on the plane and head to Boston. There I stayed with a high school friend and her husband (I think I will write a blog about them soon). I walked around the city and tried to check out some neighborhoods where I wanted to live in when I start my new job. My impression about Boston is that it is an elitist bastion. Relatively whiter than SF, of course.
Tomorrow I am going to talk to my current manager about my decision. That's not something I am looking forward. As I blogged in the previous entries, I do not hit along well with my current manager. However, leaving the post feels like a personal betrayal. It was she that took me under her wing when I desperately needed my first job, and now I am leaving for better things, probably kicking up some dust on the team that I would leave behind.
Starting something new is always a scary experience for me. I hope that is a common feeling for all human beings, not just me. Will people be as nice as I have met here? Will the rule of game be all changed? Will dressing up in suit makes me more and more conservative? What if that is a mistake to quit a good job and pursuing a seemingly better one? As always, much self-doubt crept in, and much self-inertia told me, "What's the point?" But the other side of my head was always yearning for new adventures. It tried hard to convince me that growing through such experience is how I would finally grow up, just like the muscle pains after a gym session helped build a strong body.
Anyway, in the past several days I was traveling around. First I went to Ottawa to get my US visa (I would update some of photos soon). While waiting for the passport to be returned to me, I wandered around the city. I went to the museum of nature, which hosted an amazing collection of dinosaurs (Just say something off the track. If I were to be born in the States and learned to always pursue my passion as a kid, I would probably be a paleontologist, digging bones and studying ancient animals). I also rent a bike for four hours, almost no-stop. I think I reached pretty far in the countryside. On the way back, the rain suddenly pouring down and I was lucky to be back to the bike rental place in time, hiding under the bridge arch and watching the rain, amazed by its intensity.
Finally I hopped on the plane and head to Boston. There I stayed with a high school friend and her husband (I think I will write a blog about them soon). I walked around the city and tried to check out some neighborhoods where I wanted to live in when I start my new job. My impression about Boston is that it is an elitist bastion. Relatively whiter than SF, of course.
Tomorrow I am going to talk to my current manager about my decision. That's not something I am looking forward. As I blogged in the previous entries, I do not hit along well with my current manager. However, leaving the post feels like a personal betrayal. It was she that took me under her wing when I desperately needed my first job, and now I am leaving for better things, probably kicking up some dust on the team that I would leave behind.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
So what's up?
I think this is the first time I have hold off writing blogs for more than a month. It is not really due to great restrains of my will power. No. It is because I am very busy and I do not have much to report in this blog.
I am going to take a trip to Ottawa and Boston this coming week. Why? Well, I am going to write about that next Monday. Actually, I am going to write quite a few entries the coming days, as there is a big transition coming for me. Of course, I am going to finish "My crush" series (I think I have two more at least). Now I have to come back to do my laundry.
I am going to take a trip to Ottawa and Boston this coming week. Why? Well, I am going to write about that next Monday. Actually, I am going to write quite a few entries the coming days, as there is a big transition coming for me. Of course, I am going to finish "My crush" series (I think I have two more at least). Now I have to come back to do my laundry.
Monday, April 16, 2007
website and namesake
Hi here is my website. Did you see this one coming? To be honest, this one is half serious and half a social experiment. Hey, help me propagate the web by linking to this page from your website. Of course, this is my first website, and I might have a more commercial one coming soon. Stay tuned.
Now go back to a blog called "namesake". Before I came to the states, having an English name was very fashionable in college, and it probably still is. Isn't that an indication of openness and adaptation? After I came to the states, the Chinese name seemed to become a liability. Because it was hard to pronounce, I felt sorry for other people for their efforts. So I had an English name, "Robert," in an English class. It never felt right, but that's the best I could do.
Then there was this one older Chinese fellow in my department. I did not like him as a person too much, but I always thought his opinions were of high values. He was quite a sensitive thinker, just like me. So one day he reasoned to me why we should keep our original name, and I thought he was right. So "Robert" went to the history, and I stuck with my name Songhua in all situations from then on. I did realize one advantage: its uniqueness. For example, I have no trouble in picking up email addresses or blog sites based on my first name. Also, the power of sticking with my own name, as if it was a strong statement of independence and identity. Psychologically, while I am not aware of any evidence, I firmly believe that the name could play some tricks on you. Of course, I still make one compromise now. When I am in Starbucks or fast food places, I am "Kevin" or "Erik", just to make things easier for both the cashiers and me.
Really, the more I think about it, the more valuable an asset my name become. So if everything has to have a grand purpose, then my website can be regarded as my small effort to manage this brand name - "Songhua".
Now go back to a blog called "namesake". Before I came to the states, having an English name was very fashionable in college, and it probably still is. Isn't that an indication of openness and adaptation? After I came to the states, the Chinese name seemed to become a liability. Because it was hard to pronounce, I felt sorry for other people for their efforts. So I had an English name, "Robert," in an English class. It never felt right, but that's the best I could do.
Then there was this one older Chinese fellow in my department. I did not like him as a person too much, but I always thought his opinions were of high values. He was quite a sensitive thinker, just like me. So one day he reasoned to me why we should keep our original name, and I thought he was right. So "Robert" went to the history, and I stuck with my name Songhua in all situations from then on. I did realize one advantage: its uniqueness. For example, I have no trouble in picking up email addresses or blog sites based on my first name. Also, the power of sticking with my own name, as if it was a strong statement of independence and identity. Psychologically, while I am not aware of any evidence, I firmly believe that the name could play some tricks on you. Of course, I still make one compromise now. When I am in Starbucks or fast food places, I am "Kevin" or "Erik", just to make things easier for both the cashiers and me.
Really, the more I think about it, the more valuable an asset my name become. So if everything has to have a grand purpose, then my website can be regarded as my small effort to manage this brand name - "Songhua".
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
My Crushes (II)
I was about to launch my own website, with a blog entry called "namesake" to accompany it. However, everything is done, but one verification process is stuck now, so I have to wait for a couple days more. You might be surprised to find out what I am up to with this website. Stay tuned.
Okay, back to my crushes. Time flies to my junior middle school. Unlike my first crush experience, this time I experienced the agony of liking someone typical to teenagers. I used to keep one-two sentence diary on my diary book (actually, it was a scheduler). It sometimes read like that, "today I talked to XXX. She laughed at my jokes. I was happy." Or something opposite to that if I had a bad day. Of course, XXX could mean a few girls. Hey, as shy as I was back then, any girls will do.
My interest was mostly on a girl whom I shall call Pincha here. She was nice and pretty. Allow me to jump ahead here. I met her just last year when I visited Beijing, when she was working. Wearing a blue outfit, a blue handbag, and some blue eye-shades, she looked as pretty as before, if not more. Of course, she grew up and now looked capable and professional. I visited her apartment, where she and her boyfriend lived together. They were getting married soon. I looked on the wall, where a large engagement picture was hung. Not exaggeration here, but she can surely pass as a movie star. We watched one episode of a long Korean TV series together.
Flash back to junior high school again. Both she and I were not tall, so we were at the second row, separated by a walking aisle. Four rows in the classroom, and each week we switched rows (1 became 2, 2 became 3, 3 became 4 and 4 became 1). You can imagine how I hated the week when I was in 1 and she was in 4. However, even in weeks when we were only separated by an aisle, we did not talk too much. Most of the opportunities were when we discussed the answers to different problem sets. One other topic is TV. When I found out some TV shows she was watching, I would watch those shows religiously also ("People on the Edge" and "Tokyo Love Story" are two that I can remember of now). Just to have some topics with her. Sometimes she did not get a chance to watch one episode, so I would fill her in during the lunch break.
I think that was the second year of my junior high school years. I tried to think of some good birthday gift for her (Given that I still remembered that, I must have put a lot of thoughts in it). Eventually, I got this small plastic box containing 4 little yellow chicks in it (sorry, it might be a gift she sent me for my birthday. I could not remember exactly). But that was not the main surprise. I actually asked her whether she was free in her birthday. She said yes, and I said I would visit her. I showed up at home, with an audio cassette. That day, we sang songs together and recorded a full cassette. We made a double in the end and each of us kept one copy. I kept my copy until I finished college and was leaving for the States.
So where did I come up this silly idea of recording songs on a cassette for birthday? I do not know. I believe at that time I must have thought that is the best idea in the world. Think about it (The gift was special, unique, one of a kind, with each other's voice on it. What if we get married eventually and showed that to our grandkids? How romantic your grandparents used to be!) Anyway, I do not think anyone in the world knew this episode (of course Pincha and maybe some of her close friends. But hey, who still remember that?), but now you know that. Believe it or not, if you tease me with this episode, I will still brush.
Now it was the final days of junior middle school. We had the photo day. I vividly remember that she had a new coffee-colored long skirt, completely standing out from the crowd (You have to keep in mind that the girls in my junior high school dressed quite conservatively. Their bodies were changing, but they tried hard to hide them). Before then, "cute" or "pretty" was how I categorized girls, and now I had a new dimension called "beautiful."
We got in the same senior high school. We remained as good friends. I visited her home once a while, and knew her parents quite well (Actually, two years ago when I went back home, Pincha and I planned to meet. Pincha told me that her father was in hospital, and I actually visited her father with a bunch of flowers. Very sketchy!). For a while, I wanted her to know my crush on her when I was in high school. However, as times passed by, I began to stop caring. I convinced myself: I have bigger dreams to pursue, so committing to a relationship is the last thing I want to do. This covered up the real reason: my inability to take any risks in intimate relationships.
Until this day, I am not sure when she knew my secret crush back in middle school. I suspect that she (or even her parents) knew along. Isn't the cassette thing obvious enough?
Okay, back to my crushes. Time flies to my junior middle school. Unlike my first crush experience, this time I experienced the agony of liking someone typical to teenagers. I used to keep one-two sentence diary on my diary book (actually, it was a scheduler). It sometimes read like that, "today I talked to XXX. She laughed at my jokes. I was happy." Or something opposite to that if I had a bad day. Of course, XXX could mean a few girls. Hey, as shy as I was back then, any girls will do.
My interest was mostly on a girl whom I shall call Pincha here. She was nice and pretty. Allow me to jump ahead here. I met her just last year when I visited Beijing, when she was working. Wearing a blue outfit, a blue handbag, and some blue eye-shades, she looked as pretty as before, if not more. Of course, she grew up and now looked capable and professional. I visited her apartment, where she and her boyfriend lived together. They were getting married soon. I looked on the wall, where a large engagement picture was hung. Not exaggeration here, but she can surely pass as a movie star. We watched one episode of a long Korean TV series together.
Flash back to junior high school again. Both she and I were not tall, so we were at the second row, separated by a walking aisle. Four rows in the classroom, and each week we switched rows (1 became 2, 2 became 3, 3 became 4 and 4 became 1). You can imagine how I hated the week when I was in 1 and she was in 4. However, even in weeks when we were only separated by an aisle, we did not talk too much. Most of the opportunities were when we discussed the answers to different problem sets. One other topic is TV. When I found out some TV shows she was watching, I would watch those shows religiously also ("People on the Edge" and "Tokyo Love Story" are two that I can remember of now). Just to have some topics with her. Sometimes she did not get a chance to watch one episode, so I would fill her in during the lunch break.
I think that was the second year of my junior high school years. I tried to think of some good birthday gift for her (Given that I still remembered that, I must have put a lot of thoughts in it). Eventually, I got this small plastic box containing 4 little yellow chicks in it (sorry, it might be a gift she sent me for my birthday. I could not remember exactly). But that was not the main surprise. I actually asked her whether she was free in her birthday. She said yes, and I said I would visit her. I showed up at home, with an audio cassette. That day, we sang songs together and recorded a full cassette. We made a double in the end and each of us kept one copy. I kept my copy until I finished college and was leaving for the States.
So where did I come up this silly idea of recording songs on a cassette for birthday? I do not know. I believe at that time I must have thought that is the best idea in the world. Think about it (The gift was special, unique, one of a kind, with each other's voice on it. What if we get married eventually and showed that to our grandkids? How romantic your grandparents used to be!) Anyway, I do not think anyone in the world knew this episode (of course Pincha and maybe some of her close friends. But hey, who still remember that?), but now you know that. Believe it or not, if you tease me with this episode, I will still brush.
Now it was the final days of junior middle school. We had the photo day. I vividly remember that she had a new coffee-colored long skirt, completely standing out from the crowd (You have to keep in mind that the girls in my junior high school dressed quite conservatively. Their bodies were changing, but they tried hard to hide them). Before then, "cute" or "pretty" was how I categorized girls, and now I had a new dimension called "beautiful."
We got in the same senior high school. We remained as good friends. I visited her home once a while, and knew her parents quite well (Actually, two years ago when I went back home, Pincha and I planned to meet. Pincha told me that her father was in hospital, and I actually visited her father with a bunch of flowers. Very sketchy!). For a while, I wanted her to know my crush on her when I was in high school. However, as times passed by, I began to stop caring. I convinced myself: I have bigger dreams to pursue, so committing to a relationship is the last thing I want to do. This covered up the real reason: my inability to take any risks in intimate relationships.
Until this day, I am not sure when she knew my secret crush back in middle school. I suspect that she (or even her parents) knew along. Isn't the cassette thing obvious enough?
Saturday, March 31, 2007
My Crushes (I)
When we talk about the first crush, we tend to go all the way back to when we were little. It is like an arms competition during the cold war, and everyone wants to claim they are the first to land on the moon. Well, if you think I am the exception, you are wrong. I do not even know whether the crush in my fifth grade in elementary should count as a crush, but one incident makes it very memorable. So nowadays when I think of "crush", this one will jump into my mind.
In third grade, a new transfer came to my classroom. She was transferred from a nearby rural school, where she mom used to teach. As her mom got a teaching position (music) in my school, the girl came along. At the very beginning, I noticed that she was different from most urban girls in the class. She had dark skin complexion, probably due to the exposure to the sun while playing outside. When she smiled, she showed her teeth with the mouth widened. She was not shy at all. In fact, she stood out as a wild kid in the class, running around all the time, waving her long hair in the air. To me, a shy and timid kid, her presence was quite refreshing. Let me call her May here. Oh, why the way, her mom was not a good music teacher. She is partly to blame if you hate to go karaoke with me.
Now introduce another figure in my elementary school. Let me call him Seeth here. Seeth was a natural leader in the class. He was tall and smart, full of ideas (sometimes great, sometimes dumb). For example, he began to collect other students' parents' names. When he learnt it, he began to use "XXX's son" as an insult. It resulted in some sort of escalation, as we all ended up collecting these names of parents, just in case, for assault or for defense. We also collected teachers' names (We usually do not know teachers' name. Teachers are referred as Teacher Zhang or Teach Wang, etc.). We used to badmouth teachers on their backs, and using their full names added to our satisfaction. Not surprisingly, I was one of Seeth's follower.
Seeth, May and I were among student committee, which means we were the teachers' helping hands (I was actually on the verge of being a teacher's pet). One of our duties was to come to school over the nap break, to make sure that no other students lingered around the school when they were supposed to take a nap (Until this day, I still do not get the point why we had to force students to take a nap).
One day Seeth and I (and a third guy) were in a shift together during the nap break. The campus was quiet, and we were probably the only persons there. We obviously got bored. Seeth asked whether I had a girl I liked at school. I reluctantly said yes. And how about you, I asked. He said yes too. So we tried to interrogate each other in an attempt to get the girl's name, with no avail. So Seeth said, "We can both write the name on a piece of paper at the same time and then exchange." But what if someone cheated. Well, Seeth pointed out that third guy could be the eye witness. Sounds good to me. So we got a piece of page, and I wrote down May's name, and with my peripheral sights, I saw Seeth dribbled down something too.
You can imagine what happened next. We exchanged the paper, and I realized I was cheated because his sheet had nothing on it. I began to chase after him and caught him, and he quickly put the piece of paper in his mouth and then showed me, "see, I swallowed it." Later I realized he did not. I was told that he retrieved the paper under his tongue and learned my secret crush. Since then I lived under the constant terror that one day he would disclose that to the whole world.
Eventually, I do not think Seeth did. He probably forgot about it, or thought that was really no big deal. For me, however, it was an experience that I felt shameful for liking someone, for no obvious reasons. Seeth later was my classmate in both junior and senior high. Of course, I grew up and no longer his follower. He grew even taller and more handsome. Eventually, he went to a medical university and now probably is serving as a doctor in the military. He had a kid a year ago and now a proud father. If I get a chance to meet him again, I promise myself to bring up this episode and hear his version of the story (unless he has forgotten about it).
After elementary school, May moved on to a technical junior high, and I heard of her only once after that when one of my high school friend told me that her best friend dated May in the technical junior high and later broke up. For me, that was nothing. Crushes come and go, leaving no apparent traces. Only that incident really registered in my memory, making this crush to be the obvious candidate as my first crush ever.
In third grade, a new transfer came to my classroom. She was transferred from a nearby rural school, where she mom used to teach. As her mom got a teaching position (music) in my school, the girl came along. At the very beginning, I noticed that she was different from most urban girls in the class. She had dark skin complexion, probably due to the exposure to the sun while playing outside. When she smiled, she showed her teeth with the mouth widened. She was not shy at all. In fact, she stood out as a wild kid in the class, running around all the time, waving her long hair in the air. To me, a shy and timid kid, her presence was quite refreshing. Let me call her May here. Oh, why the way, her mom was not a good music teacher. She is partly to blame if you hate to go karaoke with me.
Now introduce another figure in my elementary school. Let me call him Seeth here. Seeth was a natural leader in the class. He was tall and smart, full of ideas (sometimes great, sometimes dumb). For example, he began to collect other students' parents' names. When he learnt it, he began to use "XXX's son" as an insult. It resulted in some sort of escalation, as we all ended up collecting these names of parents, just in case, for assault or for defense. We also collected teachers' names (We usually do not know teachers' name. Teachers are referred as Teacher Zhang or Teach Wang, etc.). We used to badmouth teachers on their backs, and using their full names added to our satisfaction. Not surprisingly, I was one of Seeth's follower.
Seeth, May and I were among student committee, which means we were the teachers' helping hands (I was actually on the verge of being a teacher's pet). One of our duties was to come to school over the nap break, to make sure that no other students lingered around the school when they were supposed to take a nap (Until this day, I still do not get the point why we had to force students to take a nap).
One day Seeth and I (and a third guy) were in a shift together during the nap break. The campus was quiet, and we were probably the only persons there. We obviously got bored. Seeth asked whether I had a girl I liked at school. I reluctantly said yes. And how about you, I asked. He said yes too. So we tried to interrogate each other in an attempt to get the girl's name, with no avail. So Seeth said, "We can both write the name on a piece of paper at the same time and then exchange." But what if someone cheated. Well, Seeth pointed out that third guy could be the eye witness. Sounds good to me. So we got a piece of page, and I wrote down May's name, and with my peripheral sights, I saw Seeth dribbled down something too.
You can imagine what happened next. We exchanged the paper, and I realized I was cheated because his sheet had nothing on it. I began to chase after him and caught him, and he quickly put the piece of paper in his mouth and then showed me, "see, I swallowed it." Later I realized he did not. I was told that he retrieved the paper under his tongue and learned my secret crush. Since then I lived under the constant terror that one day he would disclose that to the whole world.
Eventually, I do not think Seeth did. He probably forgot about it, or thought that was really no big deal. For me, however, it was an experience that I felt shameful for liking someone, for no obvious reasons. Seeth later was my classmate in both junior and senior high. Of course, I grew up and no longer his follower. He grew even taller and more handsome. Eventually, he went to a medical university and now probably is serving as a doctor in the military. He had a kid a year ago and now a proud father. If I get a chance to meet him again, I promise myself to bring up this episode and hear his version of the story (unless he has forgotten about it).
After elementary school, May moved on to a technical junior high, and I heard of her only once after that when one of my high school friend told me that her best friend dated May in the technical junior high and later broke up. For me, that was nothing. Crushes come and go, leaving no apparent traces. Only that incident really registered in my memory, making this crush to be the obvious candidate as my first crush ever.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
My bittersweet goodbye to sociology
I submitted my dissertation three days ago. Officially, I am a doctor starting from April 8th. The whole dissertation is posted at http://www.songhuaweb.com/SonghuaDissertation.pdf. It is password protected. Yes, upon request, I am emailing one of my readers the password.
Now I am back to starbucks, working on my chapter 5. Why? Well, my adviser suggested that we develop this chapter into a journal paper, and I completely agree with his assessment. I will give him a manuscript some time next week, and we will go from there. After finishing dissertation, my next goal in sociology is to put my name on one of the motherf*&ker journals. And when sociology transforms itself into my hobby by default, writing seems to be easier. The I-don't-care attitude is liberating to me, and I think I will write better this way. And this coming Thursday, I will going to present my paper about China's socialist revolution in a sociological conference in Oakland. That probably will be my sweet goodbye to academic conferences, which I hate very much.
Ironically, that sums up my problems (if I have any:-): the lack of commitment. Throughout my life, I do things mostly out of a motivation to prove that I can be good at anything if I want to. Writing in high school is the start, as I was tired of being labeled as math genius. Joining drama club followed, as I wanted to escape the stereotype of book-smart. Modern dance and exercising were two more, as I wanted to shake off my self-insecurity of physical attractiveness. Pursuing a job is yet another, just so to prove to everyone that I can get a high-paid job wanted by anyone. I have a stubborn tendency not to commit, not to specialize, and to explore everything and say, "look, ma, I can do this!" (From an evolutionary point of view, being a generalist will better weather environmental changes than being a specialist. That partly explains why I have adapted so well from high school to college, from my hometown to California).
These days I try to bike to my company every day. My company will donate 5 dollars to a charity of my choice every time I bike to work. It is easy to be a good person this way. My company also give 50 dollars for cubicle decoration. Look what I get: a dartboard, a hola loop, and a kid's shooting gun. And that's only 25 dollars.
College basketball: Right now I am number 1 in my office pool. Believe it or not, I get all final four right. Now I have a good chance to get some money out of my lucky guesses.
In the next couple of weeks, I am going to start and finish one new series called "My Crush," which will chronicle my various crushes on girls since I was a kid. That will be fun, and now my skin is thick enough to toss it all out.
Now I am back to starbucks, working on my chapter 5. Why? Well, my adviser suggested that we develop this chapter into a journal paper, and I completely agree with his assessment. I will give him a manuscript some time next week, and we will go from there. After finishing dissertation, my next goal in sociology is to put my name on one of the motherf*&ker journals. And when sociology transforms itself into my hobby by default, writing seems to be easier. The I-don't-care attitude is liberating to me, and I think I will write better this way. And this coming Thursday, I will going to present my paper about China's socialist revolution in a sociological conference in Oakland. That probably will be my sweet goodbye to academic conferences, which I hate very much.
Ironically, that sums up my problems (if I have any:-): the lack of commitment. Throughout my life, I do things mostly out of a motivation to prove that I can be good at anything if I want to. Writing in high school is the start, as I was tired of being labeled as math genius. Joining drama club followed, as I wanted to escape the stereotype of book-smart. Modern dance and exercising were two more, as I wanted to shake off my self-insecurity of physical attractiveness. Pursuing a job is yet another, just so to prove to everyone that I can get a high-paid job wanted by anyone. I have a stubborn tendency not to commit, not to specialize, and to explore everything and say, "look, ma, I can do this!" (From an evolutionary point of view, being a generalist will better weather environmental changes than being a specialist. That partly explains why I have adapted so well from high school to college, from my hometown to California).
These days I try to bike to my company every day. My company will donate 5 dollars to a charity of my choice every time I bike to work. It is easy to be a good person this way. My company also give 50 dollars for cubicle decoration. Look what I get: a dartboard, a hola loop, and a kid's shooting gun. And that's only 25 dollars.
College basketball: Right now I am number 1 in my office pool. Believe it or not, I get all final four right. Now I have a good chance to get some money out of my lucky guesses.
In the next couple of weeks, I am going to start and finish one new series called "My Crush," which will chronicle my various crushes on girls since I was a kid. That will be fun, and now my skin is thick enough to toss it all out.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Lost cellphone and finished dissertation
So I lost my cellphone last Friday. At the beginning, I sorta panicked, as I cannot imagine a life without a cellphone. However, as it turns out, it does not make a big difference. I guess I do not have too many calls to begin with. On the other hand, anything can be achieved without cellphones (email, anyone?). Of course, I need to get an unlocked one on ebay or something soon, but again, what's the rush?
I got all the signatures for my dissertation today and it is ready to be submitted this Thursday. My favorite part of the dissertation is its preface, where I can basically say whatever I want to say. So here it is:
I got all the signatures for my dissertation today and it is ready to be submitted this Thursday. My favorite part of the dissertation is its preface, where I can basically say whatever I want to say. So here it is:
Special thanks to my advisor, whose comments in individual meetings have helped me to carry this project forward with lasting enthusiasm. The most important lesson that I have learned from Andy is that a good scholar is first and foremost a good person. This lesson is going to benefit me way beyond the finishing of this dissertation. I also want to thank other faculty members on my dissertation committee: XXXXXX. They have all provided insightful comments, constructive guidance and warm encouragement on earlier versions of this dissertation. My appreciation goes to all participants of the XXXX Workshop. Regular student members of the workshop include XXXXX. They have not only provided feedbacks on my research, but also formed a supportive community beyond the academic realm. I want to thank XXXX for their editorial help on some parts of this dissertation. They made this dissertation less daunting a project for a non-native speaker like me. I also thank the support of sociology department in the past six and half years. I am forever indebted for the intellectual challenges and collegial friendships that I have faced every day in this esteemed program. Of course, despite all the support I have received on this research project, I am solely responsible for any remaining errors.
I also want to take this moment to say “thank you” to people who have made a big impact in my life and who would be thrilled to know that I have finally achieved this life milestone to become a Ph.D. Special thanks to my beloved co-op house Terra. The three years at Terra House were unforgettable, as we shared meals, house chores, and life experiences with a sense of humor and charm. I want to thank many friends who have offered support when I was down and helped me emerge from distress stronger than ever. Thanks to the family of Victor, Rachel and Justice: you mean a lot to me. Thanks to Connie and Ed, who hosted me on the Thanksgiving Day when I freshly arrived in the States and have been treating me like part of their family ever since. Thanks to three influential teachers in my life: XXXXX. XXX has ignited my love of writing, XXX opened my heart to the arts, and XXX made me believe that I could accomplish everything, including becoming …… a modern dancer. Finally, a big thank-you to my family. In my rebellious years, my family was a place to run away from, as I was eager to establish my own place in the world. Now, thousands of miles away, every day passing by is a time when I realize more and more of their unconditional love that has shaped me all along. I dedicate this dissertation to all of you, and I know that you will be proud.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Keep going
I discover this website by accident. It turns out she was giving the Broadway videos away for the share love of arts. I got my favorite one: Little Woman. And I promised her to spread the word. SO check out Amy's site. I hope you will enjoy it, and I hope my link here will bump the site a little higher in search ranking, so Amy will get more clicks on her online ads to make some money.
I just realized that my Darwin's Day blog has been linked by a master blogger about Darwin's Day. I was quite surprised, because I do not fully understand how he/she found my blog. Maybe a search of "Darwin's Day" on blogger.com. I am also a little embarrassed because at the end of that entry I digressed into some personal psycho-analysis. I only hope that kind of blabbing is actually intended by evolutionary force, so eventually I will get more copies of genes than otherwise.
I ran 5K the other day. 24'43". Not bad, is it? I have been working happily. It was amazed to find our the inefficiency in work places, so when I just put in mediocre effort I will pretty much stand out in the end. I also realize how much time could be wasted if the general managers lacked the expertise in talking with engineers. So I try to become the broker between these two groups, and I found that was a superb position to have in an high-tech organization.
About a while ago I had a meeting with my adviser. We were talking about the job I was about to start. He said, "I do not understand what it is, but there is something in you that stands you out." (Not exact, as I am only paraphrasing here) I was quite touched, because that was how I felt about myself all the time, but it was the first time that it was confirmed by someone I highly respected. If I have to explain why I am always able to stand out, my adviser, here is my preliminary self-analysis.
Four traits: 1. I am smart. 2. I am hard-working. 3. I have a good judgment about people. This makes me quickly figure out what's going on in an office, who to trust and who to not, and act accordingly so that I do not waste too much time in some nonsense 4. Finally, I think I am kind and humble. I usually do not abuse my talents in the previous three fields. I tried hard to make other people look good and feel comfortable. I hope nobody regards me as a threat, so I would be involved with intra-office politics. So really, I have a master strategy here, but it is subtle enough so I hope nobody will notice that.
I just realized that my Darwin's Day blog has been linked by a master blogger about Darwin's Day. I was quite surprised, because I do not fully understand how he/she found my blog. Maybe a search of "Darwin's Day" on blogger.com. I am also a little embarrassed because at the end of that entry I digressed into some personal psycho-analysis. I only hope that kind of blabbing is actually intended by evolutionary force, so eventually I will get more copies of genes than otherwise.
I ran 5K the other day. 24'43". Not bad, is it? I have been working happily. It was amazed to find our the inefficiency in work places, so when I just put in mediocre effort I will pretty much stand out in the end. I also realize how much time could be wasted if the general managers lacked the expertise in talking with engineers. So I try to become the broker between these two groups, and I found that was a superb position to have in an high-tech organization.
About a while ago I had a meeting with my adviser. We were talking about the job I was about to start. He said, "I do not understand what it is, but there is something in you that stands you out." (Not exact, as I am only paraphrasing here) I was quite touched, because that was how I felt about myself all the time, but it was the first time that it was confirmed by someone I highly respected. If I have to explain why I am always able to stand out, my adviser, here is my preliminary self-analysis.
Four traits: 1. I am smart. 2. I am hard-working. 3. I have a good judgment about people. This makes me quickly figure out what's going on in an office, who to trust and who to not, and act accordingly so that I do not waste too much time in some nonsense 4. Finally, I think I am kind and humble. I usually do not abuse my talents in the previous three fields. I tried hard to make other people look good and feel comfortable. I hope nobody regards me as a threat, so I would be involved with intra-office politics. So really, I have a master strategy here, but it is subtle enough so I hope nobody will notice that.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
My teeth
I haven't been very good in blogging recently. Hope I haven't lose readers at a speed I am losing teeth.
I just got one tooth (actually, some tiny root of a tooth) extracted. It all started with my new dental insurance plan (I never had dental plan before). Since now I am cover, I decided to give dental care a shot, first time in ten years.
My teeth have been a big problem since I was a kid. When I was little, I liked to eat candy and hated to brush my teeth. Got lots lots of cavities. My Niangniang used to bring me to the dentists quite often, fixing this and that. I think I had a bad memory about dentists, because they brought unbearable pains and some shame onto me. During and after college, some fillings began to wear out, and I was stubborn and scared enough not to see a dentist. As time passes by, one tooth on each side began to go bad. Initially, I still could feel the pain, but eventually I felt nothing. The pain nerve must have been dead.
So I went to see a dentist two weeks ago. Diagnosis: Most of my teeth were okey (except two, of course), but my gums are heavily infected. Last Friday, I went through a painful 2-hour deep cleaning. They used laser to burn off some infected gums, and I could smell it, like burned plastics. My gums bled badly. That night, I bled more, and I think now I need to change my pillow sheet and bed sheet.... (I could've describe it in a more gross manner to make it more realistic, but I refrained myself). And then two days ago I visited the dentist again and got one bad tooth extracted.
Overall, I have very good experience with dentists this time, though it cost me a fortune even with the insurance. I plan to fix all my dental problems this year. Maybe good teeth could help me in dating somehow. I got a new road bike too. I put the old one in my working place, and use the new one to cruise around the campus. I was running around the bay today, as my office building is less one mile from the bay. I have a 5K run in my company tomorrow, and it should be a breeze.
By the way, check out Lily Allen's album. It is surprisingly good. Leave a comment here if you want it from me (Also, once a while I talked about the music I was listening at the moment. If you would like to get these music, just let me know. I promise that I have a good taste of music).
Two good movies: The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine. Must-see movies of the year. Also watched a play: Peach Blossom Land. If you were in the same college with me, you probably remember that play. Now at my university, the play was translated into English by the author himself, Stan Lai. So many fond memories in drama club. When I watched the play, the Chinese version came through my eyes. A lot of my drama group friends were in it. How are you all doing now?
I just got one tooth (actually, some tiny root of a tooth) extracted. It all started with my new dental insurance plan (I never had dental plan before). Since now I am cover, I decided to give dental care a shot, first time in ten years.
My teeth have been a big problem since I was a kid. When I was little, I liked to eat candy and hated to brush my teeth. Got lots lots of cavities. My Niangniang used to bring me to the dentists quite often, fixing this and that. I think I had a bad memory about dentists, because they brought unbearable pains and some shame onto me. During and after college, some fillings began to wear out, and I was stubborn and scared enough not to see a dentist. As time passes by, one tooth on each side began to go bad. Initially, I still could feel the pain, but eventually I felt nothing. The pain nerve must have been dead.
So I went to see a dentist two weeks ago. Diagnosis: Most of my teeth were okey (except two, of course), but my gums are heavily infected. Last Friday, I went through a painful 2-hour deep cleaning. They used laser to burn off some infected gums, and I could smell it, like burned plastics. My gums bled badly. That night, I bled more, and I think now I need to change my pillow sheet and bed sheet.... (I could've describe it in a more gross manner to make it more realistic, but I refrained myself). And then two days ago I visited the dentist again and got one bad tooth extracted.
Overall, I have very good experience with dentists this time, though it cost me a fortune even with the insurance. I plan to fix all my dental problems this year. Maybe good teeth could help me in dating somehow. I got a new road bike too. I put the old one in my working place, and use the new one to cruise around the campus. I was running around the bay today, as my office building is less one mile from the bay. I have a 5K run in my company tomorrow, and it should be a breeze.
By the way, check out Lily Allen's album. It is surprisingly good. Leave a comment here if you want it from me (Also, once a while I talked about the music I was listening at the moment. If you would like to get these music, just let me know. I promise that I have a good taste of music).
Two good movies: The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine. Must-see movies of the year. Also watched a play: Peach Blossom Land. If you were in the same college with me, you probably remember that play. Now at my university, the play was translated into English by the author himself, Stan Lai. So many fond memories in drama club. When I watched the play, the Chinese version came through my eyes. A lot of my drama group friends were in it. How are you all doing now?
Sunday, February 11, 2007
5K
I sign up for a 5K run on March, so I have started training last week. One hour in the gym every weekday, and whatever I can afford on weekends. My physical ability has plateaued, I think. I was skiing the whole day on Monday, and then it took me a whole week to recover. That is quite ridiculous, because my recovery time used to be very short. But somehow, I also feel there is no big deal. All these years of my fear of aging have translated into a very good habit of physical activities. Now I only need to keep the momentum and still beat the people in my same age bracket and same physical size! Way to go.
Darwin Day
Today I was attending a symposium called Darwin Day. It is a collection of talks about evolutionary theory. I spent about 1 and half hours there, and learned: 1. string theory, 2. biography of Charles Darwin and 3) there are great people pursuing knowledge tirelessly. Interestingly, there is another event called "evolution day" on campus, organized by religious group to promote "the biblical truth and coexistence with evolution theory". F^&&*'em. Anyway, tomorrow is Darwin's birthday. My hat off to you, Mr. Darwin.
If I step back, I have to wonder why I want to spend certain portions of my life to attend these science lectures. For example, now I have a great understanding about the universe with the help of string theory, but what good does that do for me? If anything, it makes me a more stubborn and unapologetic defender of atheism, an unpopular position to take in the states right now. Moreover, why not just take an hour off watching some TV? I guess somehow, I must have got a pure joy from learning scientific thinkings. I will black out to the questions of "what's the meaning of life?" or "who am I?" For me, these are just stupid questions, and you will be a stupid person if you ask them. However, I would be intrigued if you could propose different ways strings can knot themselves to create alternative universes.
I am a shy person in general. For example, I can barely make eye contact with girls in bars, not mentioning starting a conversion with any of them. But somehow I am a bold person, with a firm belief that how much struggle I have right now, I will turn out to be okey. Science is not easy, living your own life style is not easy either, especially it does not confirm the mainstream. Really think about it, I am almost 30 years old, still living in a college apartment, single, rarely going out, love science and hate religious discussion, love great stories and hate special effects, love genius minds and hate the stupidity of the mass. As if I have to be so rational that it will squeeze all the fun out of my life. But somehow, I persist, believing "some day, you will be cool (from "Almost Famous)". Or to borrow a great poem, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. (Robert Frost)" It has been lonely journey so far, but hey, just imagine it is like the voyage of the Beagle, five years in the making but eventually everything going to pay off. At least that's my hope.
If I step back, I have to wonder why I want to spend certain portions of my life to attend these science lectures. For example, now I have a great understanding about the universe with the help of string theory, but what good does that do for me? If anything, it makes me a more stubborn and unapologetic defender of atheism, an unpopular position to take in the states right now. Moreover, why not just take an hour off watching some TV? I guess somehow, I must have got a pure joy from learning scientific thinkings. I will black out to the questions of "what's the meaning of life?" or "who am I?" For me, these are just stupid questions, and you will be a stupid person if you ask them. However, I would be intrigued if you could propose different ways strings can knot themselves to create alternative universes.
I am a shy person in general. For example, I can barely make eye contact with girls in bars, not mentioning starting a conversion with any of them. But somehow I am a bold person, with a firm belief that how much struggle I have right now, I will turn out to be okey. Science is not easy, living your own life style is not easy either, especially it does not confirm the mainstream. Really think about it, I am almost 30 years old, still living in a college apartment, single, rarely going out, love science and hate religious discussion, love great stories and hate special effects, love genius minds and hate the stupidity of the mass. As if I have to be so rational that it will squeeze all the fun out of my life. But somehow, I persist, believing "some day, you will be cool (from "Almost Famous)". Or to borrow a great poem, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. (Robert Frost)" It has been lonely journey so far, but hey, just imagine it is like the voyage of the Beagle, five years in the making but eventually everything going to pay off. At least that's my hope.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
My friend (Gamma)
My last blog seems to spin out my control and became a self-promoting piece. It is as if I am shouting, "look at me! Ain't I great?" Well, forgive my indulgence.
So it is time for another blog on my friends. I believe that is my 29th entry, so her name will be Gamma. Gamma is my co-worker. She is taking maternity leave next week, so it is a perfect time to talk about her now.
Gamma is a trained engineer. If I have to summarize her in one word, it has to be "kind". Maybe because she will soon become a mother of two, she like to take care of the two nerds in the office: me and another Chinese guy. Why "taking care"? Well, you will have to understand the dynamics in the team first. My manager is not well-organized, and most of the time stressed out. I suspect family issues. She is a little arrogant and like to micromanage and enjoy the power. Two of my co-workers, white, obviously sense this and try to appease the manager by asking for her permissions for everything. Kiss-up, if I may. Gamma does not care to play that game, and I am too proud to play that game, and the other Chinese guy probably does not have a clue.
I figured that out pretty quickly. You know, judging people really is my strong suit. However, Gamma think we Chinese guys do not have a clue. She will try to subtly distill some information to me about the politics in the office (of course, not in a way that I just described, but the essence is the same) and give me suggestions about how to appease the managers and co-workers. For that, I am very thankful. In a worldful of assholes, it is quite rare to find someone thinking of other people all the time.
So why she is so nice? Well, she is very religious. Yesterday, she mentioned that religion changed her life. Upon knowing that I am a stubborn atheist, she said, "we should talk some time." I think religion really gives her a peaceful mind. For her, it is okey to pass up promotions or good assignments, because at the end of day, we will be judged by Him anyway. That's why she could enjoy small tasks like coding excel sheets or managing a small project. For her, being ambitious competitive does not make any sense.
Now she is taking maternity leave, I am picking up most of her tasks. Professionally, it is a good sign. As a one-month long new hire, I am able to quickly pick up some projects to pad my resume. But I also vow to pass along Gamma's spirit. The source will be different: for Gamma, it is the religion. For me, it is the believe that if you work hard, try to make other people look good, and stay positive, you can always get ahead, sooner or later (and no kiss-up). Besides, I also vow to take care of people who are social ill-adapted in my group. Please, I am not condescending here. I say this out of admiration: In the end of the day, they are the people who create the wealth (only to see it hijacked by the BS of the sales-person type), and you learn more by hanging out with them.
So that will be my great social experiment. I will just hold on my idealism for a little bit longer, because hey, I have nothing to lose here (why? that's another story). Just be myself, and be like Gamma.
So it is time for another blog on my friends. I believe that is my 29th entry, so her name will be Gamma. Gamma is my co-worker. She is taking maternity leave next week, so it is a perfect time to talk about her now.
Gamma is a trained engineer. If I have to summarize her in one word, it has to be "kind". Maybe because she will soon become a mother of two, she like to take care of the two nerds in the office: me and another Chinese guy. Why "taking care"? Well, you will have to understand the dynamics in the team first. My manager is not well-organized, and most of the time stressed out. I suspect family issues. She is a little arrogant and like to micromanage and enjoy the power. Two of my co-workers, white, obviously sense this and try to appease the manager by asking for her permissions for everything. Kiss-up, if I may. Gamma does not care to play that game, and I am too proud to play that game, and the other Chinese guy probably does not have a clue.
I figured that out pretty quickly. You know, judging people really is my strong suit. However, Gamma think we Chinese guys do not have a clue. She will try to subtly distill some information to me about the politics in the office (of course, not in a way that I just described, but the essence is the same) and give me suggestions about how to appease the managers and co-workers. For that, I am very thankful. In a worldful of assholes, it is quite rare to find someone thinking of other people all the time.
So why she is so nice? Well, she is very religious. Yesterday, she mentioned that religion changed her life. Upon knowing that I am a stubborn atheist, she said, "we should talk some time." I think religion really gives her a peaceful mind. For her, it is okey to pass up promotions or good assignments, because at the end of day, we will be judged by Him anyway. That's why she could enjoy small tasks like coding excel sheets or managing a small project. For her, being ambitious competitive does not make any sense.
Now she is taking maternity leave, I am picking up most of her tasks. Professionally, it is a good sign. As a one-month long new hire, I am able to quickly pick up some projects to pad my resume. But I also vow to pass along Gamma's spirit. The source will be different: for Gamma, it is the religion. For me, it is the believe that if you work hard, try to make other people look good, and stay positive, you can always get ahead, sooner or later (and no kiss-up). Besides, I also vow to take care of people who are social ill-adapted in my group. Please, I am not condescending here. I say this out of admiration: In the end of the day, they are the people who create the wealth (only to see it hijacked by the BS of the sales-person type), and you learn more by hanging out with them.
So that will be my great social experiment. I will just hold on my idealism for a little bit longer, because hey, I have nothing to lose here (why? that's another story). Just be myself, and be like Gamma.
writer's block
I think I am losing the ability to write a cohesive blog recently. I have attempted to write some entries, but I lost my train of thoughts after several paragraphs, only to wonder what should be my punchline. Here are two that I have saved as drafts. The first one was written on Feb 1 titled "Amedeus":
Sometimes watching movies is very private and spiritual experiences for me. I will become very self-reflective, finding bits and pieces of my life living in the charactors. That's why all my favorite movies are about good stories. In the darkness of the theater, I lose myself in the storyline, completely safe and secure, watching some of my personal trains being amplified in the movie and living by themselves.
Here is one written two days ago titled "working life":
I then lost my words and could not proceed. I intended to say that I am a rebel, but am I sure? Even if I am sure, writing it down feels like self-promoting and self-doubting. But here is the thing. I hate any life experiences distorted by social class. Sounds like Marxism, isn't it? While I am eager to climb social ladder myself, I believe that is a thing that I have to do, rather than something I really enjoy in its core. I dressed in shirt at work, but I know that I am most comfortable with t-shirt. I put on public performance in networking with people professionally, but I know I really enjoy talking to nerds about some cs scripts. I went to ski trips, but the most memorable part is how I almost froze my fingertip off or how I fell so hard on the steep slope that I felt that my big toe was bleeding. I went to bars, and I enjoyed the most of people-watching. I went to massage, then I experienced listening to music, feeling music notes dancing around in repetitive circles but always with unexpected turns here and there. It is like what I experienced after a long-distance run, or (let's say hypothetically) after my only encounter with weed a couple of years ago.
What I want to say here is that: I love life so much that I pull my heart into experiencing it at its most private details. I believe most people are too easy to be co-opted into a mode that life becomes a process of accumulating points: visiting museums, 1 point, traveling to foreign countries, 3 points, a luxurious wedding, 5 points, a big house and 3 kids, 10 points, and so on...... I know I am always different. I also know that it will not necessarily lead to a happy life, but it is a life of my choice, not tainted by the mainstream, and not compromised by external pressure.
I finished watching the movie "Amedeus" in two nights. My second time watching it. I relate to this movie in several levels. First of all, I almost played Mozart back in college in my freshman year. Back then, I was brave enough to try everything, auditioning for that main part. Unfortunately, my talent did not live up to the part. Nonetheless, I am proud until today because I was even CONSIDERED for that part.
I like to think of myself as Mozart, not as talented as him, but with the attitude of being a genius. I hate to compromise to the mediocrity, so I never do. But at the same time, I can also identify myself as Salieri, because I get jealous very easily
Sometimes watching movies is very private and spiritual experiences for me. I will become very self-reflective, finding bits and pieces of my life living in the charactors. That's why all my favorite movies are about good stories. In the darkness of the theater, I lose myself in the storyline, completely safe and secure, watching some of my personal trains being amplified in the movie and living by themselves.
Here is one written two days ago titled "working life":
As my working life progressed, my thoughts sorta stagnated. What should I blog about now. In a way, my life experience became richer. For example, I have been to two fancy ski resorts in both west and east coast. I went to watch Sarah Chang's violin performance. Two days ago, I watched Super Bowl on TV for the first time. I will go watch Shark's game two weeks later. Tomorrow I am going to have my first-ever massage.
But what's the point? There is one kind of people I hate the most. These people hit all all the right spots of so-called life experiences. They plan for vacations, travel to Africa, hang famous paintings on the wall, read books on the best-seller list. They talk with a cup of red wine in hand, they dance only with a jazz band, they talk about weather, house, or kids. They are the cliche. They represent the mediocrity. They always feel comfortable, and feel good about themselves. These people are the worst enemies of nerds like me.
Maybe I am on my way to be one of them, but I try not to. Luckily, I believe I
I then lost my words and could not proceed. I intended to say that I am a rebel, but am I sure? Even if I am sure, writing it down feels like self-promoting and self-doubting. But here is the thing. I hate any life experiences distorted by social class. Sounds like Marxism, isn't it? While I am eager to climb social ladder myself, I believe that is a thing that I have to do, rather than something I really enjoy in its core. I dressed in shirt at work, but I know that I am most comfortable with t-shirt. I put on public performance in networking with people professionally, but I know I really enjoy talking to nerds about some cs scripts. I went to ski trips, but the most memorable part is how I almost froze my fingertip off or how I fell so hard on the steep slope that I felt that my big toe was bleeding. I went to bars, and I enjoyed the most of people-watching. I went to massage, then I experienced listening to music, feeling music notes dancing around in repetitive circles but always with unexpected turns here and there. It is like what I experienced after a long-distance run, or (let's say hypothetically) after my only encounter with weed a couple of years ago.
What I want to say here is that: I love life so much that I pull my heart into experiencing it at its most private details. I believe most people are too easy to be co-opted into a mode that life becomes a process of accumulating points: visiting museums, 1 point, traveling to foreign countries, 3 points, a luxurious wedding, 5 points, a big house and 3 kids, 10 points, and so on...... I know I am always different. I also know that it will not necessarily lead to a happy life, but it is a life of my choice, not tainted by the mainstream, and not compromised by external pressure.
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