Sorry that I haven't blogged for a while. I moved out my beloved co-op a couple of weeks ago. I was house-sitting for ten days afterwards. I stayed with the depressed wife for a couple of days before she also took off. They had a dog called "Ringo". It was a very stupid and spoiled dog. One day I had to prepared some chicken and rice for the dog because he went on a hunger strike. I was tough, but he had to take one medicine with stomach full. As much as I wanted to teach him a lesson, I did not want him to die in my hand.
Now I live in a graduate apartment. The summer institute at b-school kept me busy day in and day out. I learned quite a lot about business and whatnot. I also started to EA in Chi Theta Chi, my summer residence last year. I just had a delicious fish dinner half an hour ago.
Some more twists about my future plan. I finally decided to be on F-1 status for one more year. Switching visa is much much a hassle, and using OPT time is not only time-consuming but also wasteful, because I might need it in the future if things do not work out. I am heading to Montreal Canada for an academic conference. This will be my second foreign country that I ever visit.
I have some graduation photos on my laptop. I will upload one or two very soon.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
Life is a baseball game?
People like to use metopher to talk about life. Sometimes you hear too much about it, it becomes criche. For example, life is a river, life is a box of chocolate, life is a struggle, etc.. But sometimes you have to wonder: who was the first person to come up with the metopher and how did he/she feel when he/she came up with that? It probably was based on real experiences, with which I believe that the metopher cannot fit better.
So this is how I feel right now: Life is a baseball game. You have to go up and keep swinging. You are lucky if you get a single once a while. Sometimes you hit a homerun. Congratulation. And most of the time you will just be struck out. Big deal. When you are out in the field, you have a chance. When you sit on the bench, you are just safe. So which one do you want to be?
I guess I was out on the field swinging this year. Some major disappointments, and i do not want to hide how disappointed I am. However, small good news also accumulating, makes me hopefully of what is going to happy next year, or even in two months. I am not in the mood of summarize all these here for the time being, because I am very busy and will be so for the next two months. But be patient, readers. While being struck out was part of life, I will let you know if I am lucky to steal a base some day. I will describe to you all the cracks of the bat, all the pops of the grove, and all the whooshing sound of the wind.
So this is how I feel right now: Life is a baseball game. You have to go up and keep swinging. You are lucky if you get a single once a while. Sometimes you hit a homerun. Congratulation. And most of the time you will just be struck out. Big deal. When you are out in the field, you have a chance. When you sit on the bench, you are just safe. So which one do you want to be?
I guess I was out on the field swinging this year. Some major disappointments, and i do not want to hide how disappointed I am. However, small good news also accumulating, makes me hopefully of what is going to happy next year, or even in two months. I am not in the mood of summarize all these here for the time being, because I am very busy and will be so for the next two months. But be patient, readers. While being struck out was part of life, I will let you know if I am lucky to steal a base some day. I will describe to you all the cracks of the bat, all the pops of the grove, and all the whooshing sound of the wind.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
My dad is going for visa!
It is 8am in China, June 5. My dad is going to apply for his visa. Good luck!
Friday, June 02, 2006
My friend (Yuphen)
Yes, I have not forgot my promise of finishing all the 26 friends. Now only Wondra and Yuphen left. Let me have a try on Yuphen. I always worry about whether I can give Yuphen a fair assessment at all. Too many things are too personal. Hiding them would hurt the blog, and disclosing them would infringe on privacy with a biased perspective. Well, let me at least try....
Yuphen was my girlfriend. My love interest in my only serious relationship up to day. It happened 8 years ago, and I called it off eventually. Relationship turned out to be too taxing for my young mind. To be honest, courtship was a mating game that people (animals) have been playing for thousands of year, or now I know. However, while I was in the relationship, I was caught in surprise by how much attention and devotion I had to commit, and I burned out. I burned out so badly that even to today I cannot emotionally relate to her. No anger, no regret, no love, no pity. Two days ago, she emailed me that she resigtered for a marriage. I felt nothing, nothing at all, not even a pinch of "what if", but a shit load of half-assed "I wish you happy".
It is sad that our relationship collapsed after 6 months, and it is even sadder that it still gives me lingering bad taste. For this, I have no one to blame but myself, so I take pity on myself for still being in the singletown and being an emotionless asshole. But deep-down, I know I used to be passionate, romantic, caring and brave to expose my own vulnerability. And I also know that Yuphen used to see the best side of me.
It started quite accidental. In sophomore year, we were studying for the finals in the same radio station studio. We took study breaks together, seemingly enjoying ourselves to be study buddies. Not too many similarities to pull use together, but two things stand out: working in the radio station and a shared aspiration of being a great journalist. I still remember one day we were study in two rooms only seperated by a glass wall. During the study break, we began to draw cartoon pictures and funny comments with inks on the glass. The other side could see through but could not erase. So a war of cartoon drawing erupted on the glass wall. We surely shared a good laughter together.
Some time during the winter break, I decided to pursue her. I want to emphasized the "decide" here, because it really came up as a decision to me when I lied on my bed one night, thinking and analyzing. I could not remember what exactly went through my mind, but it was mainly about the thought that I needed to have a girlfriend. Subcounsciously to me that time, however, I first discovered the enjoyment of connecting with a girl. Human females were wonderful species: they are soft, they are kind, they are less judgmental. By the way, I was also biologically programmed to like their body shape, their scent, their pitch, everything. Hey, why I need guy friends at all if I could be with Yuphen?
Well, I started this blog two weeks ago, but I did not come back until now. As if I tried to avoid writing it. When it started, Yuphen told me that she had registered for a marriage. A couple of days ago, I got her wedding photos. Time flies, scenes change, only I still stay in the same place, as if a sudden and short starvation stopped my growth forever. Well, let me continue the story with Yuphen....
So the winter break was over. I went back in Beijing on Feb 13. I planned to give her a surprise by visiting her home on Valentine's day. After I arrived nearby, I tried to give her a call. Her mom picked up the phone, saying Yuphen was out with a friend, presumably a guy. I was quite disappointed.
Several days later, school restarted. We met each other again in the radio station. Still hanging out like friends, although both she and I knew something else were going on. One night we took a long walk together. I planned to confess, but I just did not have enough courage. So I asked her to walk a circle and circle again around the dorm areas. It got really late, and it was now or never. So I did it. My heart beat got so fast that it almost blocked my breathing rhythm. She calmed me down. We sat on the steps. Now I felt the freezing temporature that conducted itself through the cement of the steps, through my pants and all the way to my butt and the rest. I believe I shivered somewhat. She then told me how it was impossible. She was not ready, blah, blah, blah. It was like the TV talk from romantic drama, and I was crushed.
It was probably my first encounter with depression, only that I did not realize it then. I felt the life in general was quite meaningless. I drank much more. I hid myself in the basement and smoke one cigarette after another. I even once called the "help hotline" of China Youth Daily, although I am still not sure up to today whether it was necessity or it was I that wanted to act up. Anyway, things actually turned out brighter than I could expected. I was persistent in pursuing her. I do not know why I did not take "no" as "no": either I really cared for her, or I believed that persistence was how you get a girl. That's the first bomb in our short relationship, because later I was not sure whether she cared for me or she was just moved by my persistence.
We still remained friends. That period was very strange, because I kept bumping into her randomly. Twice, we were seated together in big classrooms by the most random assignment. If you believed in fate, where else you should look for it. I was not superstitious, but we was quite perplexed. This actually became our continuous conversation topic, better than any ice-breakers.
(To be continued..)
Yuphen was my girlfriend. My love interest in my only serious relationship up to day. It happened 8 years ago, and I called it off eventually. Relationship turned out to be too taxing for my young mind. To be honest, courtship was a mating game that people (animals) have been playing for thousands of year, or now I know. However, while I was in the relationship, I was caught in surprise by how much attention and devotion I had to commit, and I burned out. I burned out so badly that even to today I cannot emotionally relate to her. No anger, no regret, no love, no pity. Two days ago, she emailed me that she resigtered for a marriage. I felt nothing, nothing at all, not even a pinch of "what if", but a shit load of half-assed "I wish you happy".
It is sad that our relationship collapsed after 6 months, and it is even sadder that it still gives me lingering bad taste. For this, I have no one to blame but myself, so I take pity on myself for still being in the singletown and being an emotionless asshole. But deep-down, I know I used to be passionate, romantic, caring and brave to expose my own vulnerability. And I also know that Yuphen used to see the best side of me.
It started quite accidental. In sophomore year, we were studying for the finals in the same radio station studio. We took study breaks together, seemingly enjoying ourselves to be study buddies. Not too many similarities to pull use together, but two things stand out: working in the radio station and a shared aspiration of being a great journalist. I still remember one day we were study in two rooms only seperated by a glass wall. During the study break, we began to draw cartoon pictures and funny comments with inks on the glass. The other side could see through but could not erase. So a war of cartoon drawing erupted on the glass wall. We surely shared a good laughter together.
Some time during the winter break, I decided to pursue her. I want to emphasized the "decide" here, because it really came up as a decision to me when I lied on my bed one night, thinking and analyzing. I could not remember what exactly went through my mind, but it was mainly about the thought that I needed to have a girlfriend. Subcounsciously to me that time, however, I first discovered the enjoyment of connecting with a girl. Human females were wonderful species: they are soft, they are kind, they are less judgmental. By the way, I was also biologically programmed to like their body shape, their scent, their pitch, everything. Hey, why I need guy friends at all if I could be with Yuphen?
Well, I started this blog two weeks ago, but I did not come back until now. As if I tried to avoid writing it. When it started, Yuphen told me that she had registered for a marriage. A couple of days ago, I got her wedding photos. Time flies, scenes change, only I still stay in the same place, as if a sudden and short starvation stopped my growth forever. Well, let me continue the story with Yuphen....
So the winter break was over. I went back in Beijing on Feb 13. I planned to give her a surprise by visiting her home on Valentine's day. After I arrived nearby, I tried to give her a call. Her mom picked up the phone, saying Yuphen was out with a friend, presumably a guy. I was quite disappointed.
Several days later, school restarted. We met each other again in the radio station. Still hanging out like friends, although both she and I knew something else were going on. One night we took a long walk together. I planned to confess, but I just did not have enough courage. So I asked her to walk a circle and circle again around the dorm areas. It got really late, and it was now or never. So I did it. My heart beat got so fast that it almost blocked my breathing rhythm. She calmed me down. We sat on the steps. Now I felt the freezing temporature that conducted itself through the cement of the steps, through my pants and all the way to my butt and the rest. I believe I shivered somewhat. She then told me how it was impossible. She was not ready, blah, blah, blah. It was like the TV talk from romantic drama, and I was crushed.
It was probably my first encounter with depression, only that I did not realize it then. I felt the life in general was quite meaningless. I drank much more. I hid myself in the basement and smoke one cigarette after another. I even once called the "help hotline" of China Youth Daily, although I am still not sure up to today whether it was necessity or it was I that wanted to act up. Anyway, things actually turned out brighter than I could expected. I was persistent in pursuing her. I do not know why I did not take "no" as "no": either I really cared for her, or I believed that persistence was how you get a girl. That's the first bomb in our short relationship, because later I was not sure whether she cared for me or she was just moved by my persistence.
We still remained friends. That period was very strange, because I kept bumping into her randomly. Twice, we were seated together in big classrooms by the most random assignment. If you believed in fate, where else you should look for it. I was not superstitious, but we was quite perplexed. This actually became our continuous conversation topic, better than any ice-breakers.
(To be continued..)
Friday, May 26, 2006
what's worth blogging
Once in a while, it will come through my mind: What's actually worth blogging? Well, that is a rhetorical question. The whole point of blogging is to get rid of the judgment, so everything I think is worth blogging is wroth blogging.
I guess it takes stupidity in order to enjoy the life. I was stupid to think that I should double my running milage today, so I ran the campus loop twice. It turned out to be a better experience. In the first loop, I paced myself better; and then when the second loop hit, I was in a runner's high. Time and road scenery went by in a different pace. The rhythem of my breath was in a flow that I did not need to manage it. My leg muscle was more relaxed, while the frictions with my shoes made my foot bottom a little hurt. After the run, I was calm. I look out of the window. The wind is blowing through the leaves of trees outside. Leaves swing like the notes on a music sheets. The sun light casts different shadows on different leaves. The leaves grow out of the branch in a beautiful fractal (a word relevant to chaos theory) way, random but in a unnamed order. I haven't been in such a peaceful mind for a while.
Tonight is my house's special dinner. During lunch, people were talking about what to wear. How stupid! However, really think about it, how else you can enjoy a special dinner. Not everyday is a groundbreaking enlightment, not everyday is you conquer Mt. Everest, not everyday you earn your first million dollars. Life is full of mediocrity with sparcles of excitements here and there. So what's wrong with doing something stupid to enjoy the life? Moreover, dressing nice isn't that stupid, is it? Let me look over my wardrobe now...
I guess it takes stupidity in order to enjoy the life. I was stupid to think that I should double my running milage today, so I ran the campus loop twice. It turned out to be a better experience. In the first loop, I paced myself better; and then when the second loop hit, I was in a runner's high. Time and road scenery went by in a different pace. The rhythem of my breath was in a flow that I did not need to manage it. My leg muscle was more relaxed, while the frictions with my shoes made my foot bottom a little hurt. After the run, I was calm. I look out of the window. The wind is blowing through the leaves of trees outside. Leaves swing like the notes on a music sheets. The sun light casts different shadows on different leaves. The leaves grow out of the branch in a beautiful fractal (a word relevant to chaos theory) way, random but in a unnamed order. I haven't been in such a peaceful mind for a while.
Tonight is my house's special dinner. During lunch, people were talking about what to wear. How stupid! However, really think about it, how else you can enjoy a special dinner. Not everyday is a groundbreaking enlightment, not everyday is you conquer Mt. Everest, not everyday you earn your first million dollars. Life is full of mediocrity with sparcles of excitements here and there. So what's wrong with doing something stupid to enjoy the life? Moreover, dressing nice isn't that stupid, is it? Let me look over my wardrobe now...
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Every day a struggle, every day a triumph
I really suspect that I have some chemical inbalance in my body. That makes my morning quite miserable. My solution is to work out on a bicycle machine for 40 minutes every morning. People might think I am addicted to workout. To some sense, I am. But to a broad sense, I deny it. I care less about building the body or make myself more physically fit. Rather, it is really about how I am going to make my day. It is a struggle that people with a peaceful mind rarely understand.
I am now in a spurt of productivity. I just finished a third chapter of my thesis tonight. Also last night, I got a good idea of a journal paper. I am going to finish that paper in two weeks, I think.
I started my second to last entry of my 26-friend series (Yuphen) last Tuesday. I haven't been working on it since. But when it comes out, it will be a good one, I promise.
Other news: 1. I got admitted into a summer institute conducted by Stanford Business School. I guess I am going to learn something about business this summer. This could potentially diversify my appealing when I look for a job in the future. 2. I had my fMRI study today. It was a follow-up of my hypnosis study. I got an image of my brain as a momento. Pretty cool.
I am now in a spurt of productivity. I just finished a third chapter of my thesis tonight. Also last night, I got a good idea of a journal paper. I am going to finish that paper in two weeks, I think.
I started my second to last entry of my 26-friend series (Yuphen) last Tuesday. I haven't been working on it since. But when it comes out, it will be a good one, I promise.
Other news: 1. I got admitted into a summer institute conducted by Stanford Business School. I guess I am going to learn something about business this summer. This could potentially diversify my appealing when I look for a job in the future. 2. I had my fMRI study today. It was a follow-up of my hypnosis study. I got an image of my brain as a momento. Pretty cool.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
200th entry
Last Mother's day, I blogged about my mom. And again, happy mother's day. I will not call you, as it will feel pretentious on your part. Besides, I do not have much to say anyway. I would rather be a bad son than living in an awkward moment. After the biology class, I begin to understand my pre-natal environment (a.k.a. my mom's stomach) determined who I am. Quite scary, as if the worst curse for a bad son is: to allow the time reverse, the mom stressed herself out during pregnancy, so that to guarantee the bad son would suffer from depression. That's the darkest implication of what I've learned this quarter.
Some small summeries about my life. Since this is my 200th entries, I deserve to have a summary, don't you think? My dad will be coming to visit. I know it is probably his most glorious moment in his retirement, I want him to get visa and plan travels smoothly. On the other hand, I do not think I would enjoy too much the time when my dad is visiting. Just do not have too much to talk to my dad. I do not think he would ever understand me and vice versa. But, if I can pretend to be enjoying the time throughout, then he will be happy and I will be happy eventually, knowing he is easily deceived. Anyway, complicated feelings.
I think I have found my identity. Cannot name my idnetity for sure, but I know I get more comfortable with my body, my thoughts, my logic, my feelings and the world around me. Sometimes, I lip-synched outloud, sometimes I moved my body with the music, I told people my so-called secrets, I said "hi" to people without being too shy, I talked about myself without judging before-hand-"how other people gonna react to this." These might be nothing to a lot of people, but for me, they are great leap forward. I've fought my own demons all the time, and I begin to see the chance of winning.
On another hand, my personal relationship takes another dip. Nothing major, but it just gets a little bit annoying. Why me again?
Run No. 129 this afternoon. I think I am physically ready for tomorrow's performance, during which I might be honored because I am graduating this year.
Some small summeries about my life. Since this is my 200th entries, I deserve to have a summary, don't you think? My dad will be coming to visit. I know it is probably his most glorious moment in his retirement, I want him to get visa and plan travels smoothly. On the other hand, I do not think I would enjoy too much the time when my dad is visiting. Just do not have too much to talk to my dad. I do not think he would ever understand me and vice versa. But, if I can pretend to be enjoying the time throughout, then he will be happy and I will be happy eventually, knowing he is easily deceived. Anyway, complicated feelings.
I think I have found my identity. Cannot name my idnetity for sure, but I know I get more comfortable with my body, my thoughts, my logic, my feelings and the world around me. Sometimes, I lip-synched outloud, sometimes I moved my body with the music, I told people my so-called secrets, I said "hi" to people without being too shy, I talked about myself without judging before-hand-"how other people gonna react to this." These might be nothing to a lot of people, but for me, they are great leap forward. I've fought my own demons all the time, and I begin to see the chance of winning.
On another hand, my personal relationship takes another dip. Nothing major, but it just gets a little bit annoying. Why me again?
Run No. 129 this afternoon. I think I am physically ready for tomorrow's performance, during which I might be honored because I am graduating this year.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Start a day with a hug
Over last weekend, I was talking to a girl in my dorm in the morning. She told me that she broke up with her boyfriend because she found out that she was lesbian and sort of cheated on him. Then two morning later she saw me in breakfest and gave me a huge hug. So here it is. Letting another person know a big secret is building an intimate relationship.
When she hugged me from the behind with her right arm, I felt the female's soft body, surrounding me like a warm scarf in a cold winter. Couldn't smell too much, but if there is a smell, I must've liked it. I lowered my head, trying to rest my head on her hand, as if resisting the gravity was making me tired and I just wanted to let it go and flow. My neck touched gently with her breasts and my backhead was with her face. If there is a snapshop taken that moment, I can tell you why it is the most beautiful photo that human beings can ever produce.
The hug really made my day. I was all happy and full of energy. Subcontiously, I know I liked the hug a lot, but got them too rarely. Thanks, XXXX. Do not want to name you, just in case people want to track you down.
This is my 199 entries in my blog. I am quite surprised that I have kept blogging for such a long time. Some of the entries are great, and others must be crap. But I try not to be sudgmental. Do not expect appauses from my readers, and do not care if people read wrong meanings into my blogs. That's what keeps me going and going, eventually will leave a precious time capsule for an older me.
When she hugged me from the behind with her right arm, I felt the female's soft body, surrounding me like a warm scarf in a cold winter. Couldn't smell too much, but if there is a smell, I must've liked it. I lowered my head, trying to rest my head on her hand, as if resisting the gravity was making me tired and I just wanted to let it go and flow. My neck touched gently with her breasts and my backhead was with her face. If there is a snapshop taken that moment, I can tell you why it is the most beautiful photo that human beings can ever produce.
The hug really made my day. I was all happy and full of energy. Subcontiously, I know I liked the hug a lot, but got them too rarely. Thanks, XXXX. Do not want to name you, just in case people want to track you down.
This is my 199 entries in my blog. I am quite surprised that I have kept blogging for such a long time. Some of the entries are great, and others must be crap. But I try not to be sudgmental. Do not expect appauses from my readers, and do not care if people read wrong meanings into my blogs. That's what keeps me going and going, eventually will leave a precious time capsule for an older me.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
These are days
"These are days" is one of my favorite songs by "10,000 maniacs".
These days I live happily. With one small imperfection though. When it first emerged last Friday, I thought it was no big deal. Actually, I thought it was part of my plan anyway. However, it annoyed me in minutes, hours and days, just randomly creeping into my mind, unannounced. Before I realized it, it already pissed me off a bit, like water sunk into a sponge, little by little, until it got all heavy and dripping.
Other than that, it is perfect. Tomorrow I am going to give two workshops. My boss finally wrote a recommendation letter for me. She is very willing, but she is a big procrastinator. So it took me 1 months and maybe 5 emails to get it nailed. Talking about American inefficiency! I will perform dance one more time this Sunday. It will not be my best show, as I know that my physical capabilities are going downhill fast in the past year or so (not to help is my ankle injury). But it will be my fanale, my swan song, something I can feel happy and sad at the same time, something that I do not want to get a video tape of but always remember.
These days I live happily. With one small imperfection though. When it first emerged last Friday, I thought it was no big deal. Actually, I thought it was part of my plan anyway. However, it annoyed me in minutes, hours and days, just randomly creeping into my mind, unannounced. Before I realized it, it already pissed me off a bit, like water sunk into a sponge, little by little, until it got all heavy and dripping.
Other than that, it is perfect. Tomorrow I am going to give two workshops. My boss finally wrote a recommendation letter for me. She is very willing, but she is a big procrastinator. So it took me 1 months and maybe 5 emails to get it nailed. Talking about American inefficiency! I will perform dance one more time this Sunday. It will not be my best show, as I know that my physical capabilities are going downhill fast in the past year or so (not to help is my ankle injury). But it will be my fanale, my swan song, something I can feel happy and sad at the same time, something that I do not want to get a video tape of but always remember.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
SF and Spring MIgration
Today I biked all the way to SF with Victor. It is about 45 miles. I got a flat tire in the middle, and Victor helped fix it. I only had my T-shirt and my short, so I was freezing after 10 miles or so because it was so cloudy and windy. At one point, I had to jog with my bike to keep myself warm. But nice experience over all. I am very happy that I did it today, although my legs feel like full of mercury right now.
I went to watch the Spring Migration show today. I was in the same show in the past two years. This year decided not to do too much dancing, so I did not audition for a piece that I was likely to get in. Now this piece turned out to be my favorite tonight, and I am little regretful that I was not in it. I said to myself,"If I just strech myself a little bit, maybe I could've put that off, dancing while finishing all other shit." Well, too late, dude. My decision is mine to regret, and I know I cannot have it all, as life is full of imprefection.
I sent an email to Hope, my favorite dancer, choreographer and person:)
Hi Hope:
I watched spring migration tonight. I love your piece! It was mesmerizing that I lost track of time. (Just so you know, the other day I got a hypnosis test, and my hypnosis score is 8 out 10!)
Your dad was actually 2 seats away from me. He was saying, "That's my daughter! Why the program booklet does not include the Columbia Law School thing?" He must be proud of you.
Anyway, I waited in the reception place for maybe 15 minutes and did not have a chance to see you there. Just wanted to say hello and tell you how much I enjoyed the piece. Hope everything else is well too. For me, I have got a post-doc position at Stanford for next year. I am
also on the waiting list of three law schools. I hope one of them will work out eventually and then I will make a decision of whether I will take it. Life is well for me, though less about dancing and more about dissertation recently.
I will come to see your show with Margaret Jenkins, although I am not sure which day.
I do not know I want to publish this email. I just want to, because I know I will sleep better tonight if I do.
I went to watch the Spring Migration show today. I was in the same show in the past two years. This year decided not to do too much dancing, so I did not audition for a piece that I was likely to get in. Now this piece turned out to be my favorite tonight, and I am little regretful that I was not in it. I said to myself,"If I just strech myself a little bit, maybe I could've put that off, dancing while finishing all other shit." Well, too late, dude. My decision is mine to regret, and I know I cannot have it all, as life is full of imprefection.
I sent an email to Hope, my favorite dancer, choreographer and person:)
Hi Hope:
I watched spring migration tonight. I love your piece! It was mesmerizing that I lost track of time. (Just so you know, the other day I got a hypnosis test, and my hypnosis score is 8 out 10!)
Your dad was actually 2 seats away from me. He was saying, "That's my daughter! Why the program booklet does not include the Columbia Law School thing?" He must be proud of you.
Anyway, I waited in the reception place for maybe 15 minutes and did not have a chance to see you there. Just wanted to say hello and tell you how much I enjoyed the piece. Hope everything else is well too. For me, I have got a post-doc position at Stanford for next year. I am
also on the waiting list of three law schools. I hope one of them will work out eventually and then I will make a decision of whether I will take it. Life is well for me, though less about dancing and more about dissertation recently.
I will come to see your show with Margaret Jenkins, although I am not sure which day.
I do not know I want to publish this email. I just want to, because I know I will sleep better tonight if I do.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Brain wiring
I am about to study in Stabucks, but my ipod need recharge. So it gives me some time to write this short.
I just called my dad to make sure he is on track to get his passport and visa. He is not a good listener, and I am not sure I get my point across. He also does not seem to ask questions, so I am not really sure whether he gets it. Of course, my Ningbonese gets pretty bad, so if he did not get it, it is partly my fault. But all in all, I just have problems in general to communicate with my family, before and now. Nothing changes.
I finally got a check-up on my ankle and it turned out to be okey. But I was afraid that doctor would tell me something was wrong. Overall, fear is one of my major weaknesses. I fear a lot of things: being wrong in answering questions, standing out in a crowd, social dancing, being rejected, making a potential wrong decision, wasting time, or nothing. In elementary school, I cried when the teacher caught me red-handed for some insignificant wrong-doings. Fear got me away from a lot of troubles, and that why I can blog about it rather than working at a night-shift in a fast-food factory today. However, these fearful experiences take a toll on my even today, makes me a tentative, reluctant, over-cautious social coward. I really do not know I can ever reconcile with those early experiences.
The other day, I was listening to a biology class. The teacher said that there is one important area in limbic system that manages fear, sexual behavior, aggression, depression and punish and reward reinforcement. I guess that's the part of the brain that really messes me up sometimes. Somehow in the early childhood, the wiring of this part of brain took a self-protective route. It helped me manage my early life, but now all of a sudden I find myself so different from most of people in the united states.
I guess my ipod is done, but I am about to leave. This blog is another self-over-analysis, my signature way of blogging. Somehow, knowing all the truth is not fun, but I cannot resist but writing them all out. The knowledge was gained by learning new insights into familiar words. For example, I have very different understanding about self-esteem, fear, abuse, depression, anxiety, spiritual etc. than before. I hope I am getting wiser.
I just called my dad to make sure he is on track to get his passport and visa. He is not a good listener, and I am not sure I get my point across. He also does not seem to ask questions, so I am not really sure whether he gets it. Of course, my Ningbonese gets pretty bad, so if he did not get it, it is partly my fault. But all in all, I just have problems in general to communicate with my family, before and now. Nothing changes.
I finally got a check-up on my ankle and it turned out to be okey. But I was afraid that doctor would tell me something was wrong. Overall, fear is one of my major weaknesses. I fear a lot of things: being wrong in answering questions, standing out in a crowd, social dancing, being rejected, making a potential wrong decision, wasting time, or nothing. In elementary school, I cried when the teacher caught me red-handed for some insignificant wrong-doings. Fear got me away from a lot of troubles, and that why I can blog about it rather than working at a night-shift in a fast-food factory today. However, these fearful experiences take a toll on my even today, makes me a tentative, reluctant, over-cautious social coward. I really do not know I can ever reconcile with those early experiences.
The other day, I was listening to a biology class. The teacher said that there is one important area in limbic system that manages fear, sexual behavior, aggression, depression and punish and reward reinforcement. I guess that's the part of the brain that really messes me up sometimes. Somehow in the early childhood, the wiring of this part of brain took a self-protective route. It helped me manage my early life, but now all of a sudden I find myself so different from most of people in the united states.
I guess my ipod is done, but I am about to leave. This blog is another self-over-analysis, my signature way of blogging. Somehow, knowing all the truth is not fun, but I cannot resist but writing them all out. The knowledge was gained by learning new insights into familiar words. For example, I have very different understanding about self-esteem, fear, abuse, depression, anxiety, spiritual etc. than before. I hope I am getting wiser.
Monday, May 01, 2006
blood donation
The past two weeks I am trying to stick to my schedule. Work during the weekdays and relax dueing the weekends. It works out quite well. On work, I had a draft on my chapter two last tuesday. On relaxing, here is my last weekend. On satureday morning, I went for a bike ride: 14 miles of Portola Valley. Returned to my dorm, and found out a vomit mass in one of the bathrooms from last night's party. Cleaned it with Yani. Unintentionally clogged the sink because we used absorbant powder which dropped into the pipes. After it was done, I went for a blood donation. Felt like Comrade Lei Feng! A little tired afterwards, normal for blood donation. Had a good 10-hour sleep.
On Sunday, I chatted up with my friend Victor in a coffee shop. We planned to ride 35 miles all the way to San Francisco next weekend. Sneaked into the second half of a Gilbert and Sullivan musical. On the way out, I saw Marshal and Maimi, so I chatted again. At night, I watched the movie: Good Morning, Vietman.
It is Monday, and I plan to recover from blood donation. Ran about 1 mile. Felt a little tired still, but I know I am still in a weak but good shape. Now I am typing up a blog before I head out to get some dissertation work done. Isn't life sweet?
What else did I do? Well, I have been reading some good books: Kite Runner and The Miracle Life of Edgar Mint. I am on the waiting list of three law schools. Try to keep my hope alive. My dad is getting his passport on May 20th, and I hope he will get visa in time. I am going to watch the dog and the house for a professor. I guess my dad could stay in the house too. My dissertation is going well. I can almost see the end of it. I realize that the management team began to fall apart, but just hang on for 5 more weeks and then we can say we had a fantastic year. What can beat that? The spring migration dance concert is coming. In the past two years I am a dancer, and this year I will be among the audience. Pitiful and content. I got a score of 8 (0-10) on my hypnosis test. Last night when I was on the bed, I tried to hypnotize myself. Small tricks, such as I can concentrate on my arms so that they rise or they attract to each other. It is the power of belief. Since I believe in hypnosis now, the belief makes it all possible.
On Sunday, I chatted up with my friend Victor in a coffee shop. We planned to ride 35 miles all the way to San Francisco next weekend. Sneaked into the second half of a Gilbert and Sullivan musical. On the way out, I saw Marshal and Maimi, so I chatted again. At night, I watched the movie: Good Morning, Vietman.
It is Monday, and I plan to recover from blood donation. Ran about 1 mile. Felt a little tired still, but I know I am still in a weak but good shape. Now I am typing up a blog before I head out to get some dissertation work done. Isn't life sweet?
What else did I do? Well, I have been reading some good books: Kite Runner and The Miracle Life of Edgar Mint. I am on the waiting list of three law schools. Try to keep my hope alive. My dad is getting his passport on May 20th, and I hope he will get visa in time. I am going to watch the dog and the house for a professor. I guess my dad could stay in the house too. My dissertation is going well. I can almost see the end of it. I realize that the management team began to fall apart, but just hang on for 5 more weeks and then we can say we had a fantastic year. What can beat that? The spring migration dance concert is coming. In the past two years I am a dancer, and this year I will be among the audience. Pitiful and content. I got a score of 8 (0-10) on my hypnosis test. Last night when I was on the bed, I tried to hypnotize myself. Small tricks, such as I can concentrate on my arms so that they rise or they attract to each other. It is the power of belief. Since I believe in hypnosis now, the belief makes it all possible.
Friday, April 14, 2006
OMG, it is real! (II)
Remember the 3D photos we used to stare at. It is a great analogy to hypnosis. With the help of two dots, our eyes can be locked into another stage where the 3D images begin to present themselves out of ulterly random chaos. Same with hypnosis. With the help of a hypnosis master, the mind switches to another stage. While I was hypnotized yesterday, I was highly aware I was hypnotized and I knew that if I just shook my head, I could get out of it. But why should I? The 3D images are so beautiful and amazing that they eyes are willingly to be locked. My mind kept exploring the sensation that I never experienced before, and my curiosity finished off the loop that the hypnosis master's master plan. Awesome!
I had a run a minute ago. According to my running log, the first time in 10 days due to the rainy whether. I intentionally used some hypnosis technique: focusing on something other than my exhaustion. It worked! It felt like a really good run. And the more I think about it, the more it began to make sense. For example, I always feel less exhausted when I run a new route, because I am easily distracted (or focused) on the new scenary. What's why I can hit 7-8 miles when I ran the West Lake. I do not think I can do it by running campus loop twice. Cheering also works. When people cheer for you, you are so focused on not letting them down, and your body just stretches itself to it ultimate edge without you even realizing it.
On the dark side, I also realized that it could be used to make people stupid. Now I am ulterly convinced that religion takes advanatge of it to convince people that when they concentrate, they will feel an unworldly sensation, because of god or whatever. Nonsense. People's mind is amazing because it could be shaped into different sensations (probably due to evolutionary advanatge), and contributing it to another person, god or whatever, just belittles human spirit. Well, it is not my fault. Maybe some day I should find an evolutionary advantage for believing in god, then I will be ulterly speechless, as if I picked up a stone to hit my toes.
I had a run a minute ago. According to my running log, the first time in 10 days due to the rainy whether. I intentionally used some hypnosis technique: focusing on something other than my exhaustion. It worked! It felt like a really good run. And the more I think about it, the more it began to make sense. For example, I always feel less exhausted when I run a new route, because I am easily distracted (or focused) on the new scenary. What's why I can hit 7-8 miles when I ran the West Lake. I do not think I can do it by running campus loop twice. Cheering also works. When people cheer for you, you are so focused on not letting them down, and your body just stretches itself to it ultimate edge without you even realizing it.
On the dark side, I also realized that it could be used to make people stupid. Now I am ulterly convinced that religion takes advanatge of it to convince people that when they concentrate, they will feel an unworldly sensation, because of god or whatever. Nonsense. People's mind is amazing because it could be shaped into different sensations (probably due to evolutionary advanatge), and contributing it to another person, god or whatever, just belittles human spirit. Well, it is not my fault. Maybe some day I should find an evolutionary advantage for believing in god, then I will be ulterly speechless, as if I picked up a stone to hit my toes.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
OMG, it is real!
I am talking about hypnosis. Yes, I was hypnotized for half an hour this afternoon. Amazing. I thought I was not the type easily to be hypnotized, but I guess I am after all. It is quite an experience, but hard to describe. Moreover, the guy, david spiegel, is a M.D., and he explained the hypnosis phenomenon to us pretty well.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Tin y Dancer, Almost Famous and Da Vince Code
No matter how old I grow into, I always find myself being silly in retrospect. (Well, you can say it is quite silly to retrospect at all).
Anyway, I am listening to the mixed CD D. made for me last year. It is all smiling, as if to celebrate my life wasn't that boring after all last year. I was pursuing her as my love interest, but I also knew her imperfection from the day I knew her. I have no way to judge whether all those were rational or reasonable. I just did what I felt right at that moment. And now I can relax and smile at my own sillyness, only to hope the episode would not diminish my tendency to be silly again. And of course, I no longer feel awkward to wore the "I Heart NY" T-shirt. When people asked whether I had been to New York, I said that my friend gave the t-shirt to me. It is amazing how I once assumed that these artifacts were as dead as tombstone, only to find they got back to life with the passage of time, presenting a new layer of meaning to me. Now it is the track 03, Tiny Dancer by Elton John, that is dancing through my ears. Studies showed that ipod is destorying the ears of the young people. And I say, bring it on. Indeed, there are some brilliant songs there.
I have been keeping up the schedule with myself. Up early and down early. Now I have the whole morning back, and also began my morning work-out plan. So far so good. I think I can do with 7 hours of sleep again, when I have this neat schedule.
Classes are all going well. I wasted less time on line, and spent more time reading. I just finished a book "The Da Vinci Code". It is quite an amazing book. Besides being really enjoyable, it confirmed one of my thoughts: "religion is all about limiting human's interpretation of the real history". But it went beyond that, "religion is actually fun. All the amazing stories and symbols, songs and texts. What makes it amazing is the fact that it is shared by so many people. Not the opposite, that people believed it because it is amazing." A really fun read. I could not put it down for a while. Now I am picking up another book, Kite Runner.
The class I am supposed to teach this quarter will be cancelled, I am quite sure, due to the low enrollment. Several reasons: 1. the class did not make the Time Schedule, 2) the title turned people away. Anyway, bad lucky, but I am still a good teacher.
I am auditing a Human Biology class. It is fun class, as I began to understand the bahaviors of the people around me and, more importantly, myself. I probably would have more to say when the topic covers sexual behavior, mental health or spirituality. Indeed, the instructor is an atheist and teaches about evolution. He does not hide that he suffered from mental problems sometimes, and I think I understands him: the peril of being a thinker without the comfort of blind belief. However, when they shine, they shine through. His class has 500 people. Yesterday I arrived at the classroom 10 minutes before the lecture and I got the third to the last row. I guess I can use this to comfort myself, using a sentence from the movie Almost Famous (co-incidently, it's theme song is no other than Tiny Dancer): "Some day, you will be cool," the sister told the narrator of the movie.
Also, I have a swimming class and a weigth training class. I am not really taking them. I just want to convince myself so that I will take my work-out schedule seriously. Tomorrow will be a busy day, and I accept.
Anyway, I am listening to the mixed CD D. made for me last year. It is all smiling, as if to celebrate my life wasn't that boring after all last year. I was pursuing her as my love interest, but I also knew her imperfection from the day I knew her. I have no way to judge whether all those were rational or reasonable. I just did what I felt right at that moment. And now I can relax and smile at my own sillyness, only to hope the episode would not diminish my tendency to be silly again. And of course, I no longer feel awkward to wore the "I Heart NY" T-shirt. When people asked whether I had been to New York, I said that my friend gave the t-shirt to me. It is amazing how I once assumed that these artifacts were as dead as tombstone, only to find they got back to life with the passage of time, presenting a new layer of meaning to me. Now it is the track 03, Tiny Dancer by Elton John, that is dancing through my ears. Studies showed that ipod is destorying the ears of the young people. And I say, bring it on. Indeed, there are some brilliant songs there.
I have been keeping up the schedule with myself. Up early and down early. Now I have the whole morning back, and also began my morning work-out plan. So far so good. I think I can do with 7 hours of sleep again, when I have this neat schedule.
Classes are all going well. I wasted less time on line, and spent more time reading. I just finished a book "The Da Vinci Code". It is quite an amazing book. Besides being really enjoyable, it confirmed one of my thoughts: "religion is all about limiting human's interpretation of the real history". But it went beyond that, "religion is actually fun. All the amazing stories and symbols, songs and texts. What makes it amazing is the fact that it is shared by so many people. Not the opposite, that people believed it because it is amazing." A really fun read. I could not put it down for a while. Now I am picking up another book, Kite Runner.
The class I am supposed to teach this quarter will be cancelled, I am quite sure, due to the low enrollment. Several reasons: 1. the class did not make the Time Schedule, 2) the title turned people away. Anyway, bad lucky, but I am still a good teacher.
I am auditing a Human Biology class. It is fun class, as I began to understand the bahaviors of the people around me and, more importantly, myself. I probably would have more to say when the topic covers sexual behavior, mental health or spirituality. Indeed, the instructor is an atheist and teaches about evolution. He does not hide that he suffered from mental problems sometimes, and I think I understands him: the peril of being a thinker without the comfort of blind belief. However, when they shine, they shine through. His class has 500 people. Yesterday I arrived at the classroom 10 minutes before the lecture and I got the third to the last row. I guess I can use this to comfort myself, using a sentence from the movie Almost Famous (co-incidently, it's theme song is no other than Tiny Dancer): "Some day, you will be cool," the sister told the narrator of the movie.
Also, I have a swimming class and a weigth training class. I am not really taking them. I just want to convince myself so that I will take my work-out schedule seriously. Tomorrow will be a busy day, and I accept.
Friday, April 07, 2006
up early
I have been getting up early before 8am and sleeping before 1am for two days. That's very promising. By 10:30am, my usually time to step out of my dorm, I already get qiute a lot work done.
Sad thing is that the class I am teaching now does not have any enrolled students, although I have a bunch of auditors. I suspect the title of class might turn undergrads away: "data analysis and management in social science". I should've come up with a more sexy title. Now it is too late. Hopefuly they wouldn't cancel my class.
Sad thing is that the class I am teaching now does not have any enrolled students, although I have a bunch of auditors. I suspect the title of class might turn undergrads away: "data analysis and management in social science". I should've come up with a more sexy title. Now it is too late. Hopefuly they wouldn't cancel my class.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Update
I guess I really own readers some updates of what's happening in my life. It is quite uneventful recently, but I definitely have something to report.
Spring is coming, and I might take a swimming class this quarter. I am also teaching a class this quarter on SPSS. Today I had the first session. I was nervous about how many students gonna show up and how it would go, but afterwards I found I was quite a good teacher.
My life priority is change, I figure. I got out of a dance piece today. I felt bad to abandon the group, but I did it. It is hard to give up things. That's why I accumulate so many burdens on my shoulder. I guess I am learning to give up things. One quote from the Time Magazine struck me: Life is not about what we can do, but about what is worth doing. I got a video ipod recently. My old one died. I am quite happy with the new one, because it is COOL!
I got quite a lot done on my chapter 2 of the dissertation over the break. I think I am over the most recent writer's block and back in my swing. I guess I should ride on the momentum and do more of it. I have applied to graduate with Ph.D. this summer, so I have to finish the whole thing by September.
I got a letter saying that I was waitlist by a law school. I am quite hopeful about the chance, but I am not sure. In the meanwhile, I need to talk with my boss about the post-doc position at my school on Thursday. All of a sudden, I feel good hope for next year.
I try to come up with a good daily schedule. I am writing it out as a psychological reinforcement for myself.
7am: Get up
8-10am: Readings
Then get some workout or go swimming
After lunch: I will either teach my class, or prepare my class, or take dance class, or do my work in the lirary.
5pm: Running? I am not sure. If i have morning workout, then I do not need this one. By the way, I ran again today, the whole 4 miles, the first time in two weeks I think.
6pm: Dinner
7-11: Study. Whatever. Be productive.
11: Return to dorm. Play some piano, chatting with people, calm down, sleep at midnight. or 12:15pm latest. By the way, now I can play most parts of "Fur Elise" or "For Alice", the famous piano music.
I hope I can stick with it, because it will be good for me. Starting from today.
Spring is coming, and I might take a swimming class this quarter. I am also teaching a class this quarter on SPSS. Today I had the first session. I was nervous about how many students gonna show up and how it would go, but afterwards I found I was quite a good teacher.
My life priority is change, I figure. I got out of a dance piece today. I felt bad to abandon the group, but I did it. It is hard to give up things. That's why I accumulate so many burdens on my shoulder. I guess I am learning to give up things. One quote from the Time Magazine struck me: Life is not about what we can do, but about what is worth doing. I got a video ipod recently. My old one died. I am quite happy with the new one, because it is COOL!
I got quite a lot done on my chapter 2 of the dissertation over the break. I think I am over the most recent writer's block and back in my swing. I guess I should ride on the momentum and do more of it. I have applied to graduate with Ph.D. this summer, so I have to finish the whole thing by September.
I got a letter saying that I was waitlist by a law school. I am quite hopeful about the chance, but I am not sure. In the meanwhile, I need to talk with my boss about the post-doc position at my school on Thursday. All of a sudden, I feel good hope for next year.
I try to come up with a good daily schedule. I am writing it out as a psychological reinforcement for myself.
7am: Get up
8-10am: Readings
Then get some workout or go swimming
After lunch: I will either teach my class, or prepare my class, or take dance class, or do my work in the lirary.
5pm: Running? I am not sure. If i have morning workout, then I do not need this one. By the way, I ran again today, the whole 4 miles, the first time in two weeks I think.
6pm: Dinner
7-11: Study. Whatever. Be productive.
11: Return to dorm. Play some piano, chatting with people, calm down, sleep at midnight. or 12:15pm latest. By the way, now I can play most parts of "Fur Elise" or "For Alice", the famous piano music.
I hope I can stick with it, because it will be good for me. Starting from today.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Wow, I haven't written a good blog for a while
And this one is not a good one either. Just want to catch up a little bit.
Spring break is almost over. Really nothing major happening in life. I am preparing to teach a class this quarter. They will pay me over the summer, during which I will take a grace quarter to finish my dissertation. Still do not know what I will do in a long run, but I am taking one day at a time.
Just back from a ski trip. I was with Victor's family. Victor is the real name of my Amsol in my first ever blog on friends. He has a loving wife and cute boy. We drove to the ski resort on Wed and ski for half a day. And then we stayed in Reno. Eating steaks and played video poker. The second day we went to ski again, and then retreated to Reno at night. The third day we were back.
The trip is relaxing. My spring break would otherwise be quite boring without it. I snowboarded both days. Once I took a wrong turn and got lost. It started to snow and I could not see anyone or lifting chairs. For a moment, I was quite pessimistic about maybe a snow mobile will come to rescue me. Well, I found a way to get back to track in 10 minutes, and Victor is now just laughing at me for being such a panic boy.
I also have a closer observation of their family in action. I really liked the relationship. Nothing seems to be fake. They love each other, but they also argue and fight. Even when I am present, they just act like themselves rather than putting up some bullshit cover to present the best part. They provided the best resources for their boy, but also discipled him well. I wouldn't be surprised if their kid grows up to be a great person.
Spring break is almost over. Really nothing major happening in life. I am preparing to teach a class this quarter. They will pay me over the summer, during which I will take a grace quarter to finish my dissertation. Still do not know what I will do in a long run, but I am taking one day at a time.
Just back from a ski trip. I was with Victor's family. Victor is the real name of my Amsol in my first ever blog on friends. He has a loving wife and cute boy. We drove to the ski resort on Wed and ski for half a day. And then we stayed in Reno. Eating steaks and played video poker. The second day we went to ski again, and then retreated to Reno at night. The third day we were back.
The trip is relaxing. My spring break would otherwise be quite boring without it. I snowboarded both days. Once I took a wrong turn and got lost. It started to snow and I could not see anyone or lifting chairs. For a moment, I was quite pessimistic about maybe a snow mobile will come to rescue me. Well, I found a way to get back to track in 10 minutes, and Victor is now just laughing at me for being such a panic boy.
I also have a closer observation of their family in action. I really liked the relationship. Nothing seems to be fake. They love each other, but they also argue and fight. Even when I am present, they just act like themselves rather than putting up some bullshit cover to present the best part. They provided the best resources for their boy, but also discipled him well. I wouldn't be surprised if their kid grows up to be a great person.
Monday, March 20, 2006
a small lapse
In retrospect, I think I had a small depression in the past week. I did not really know how I got into it, and did not realize how I got out of it. But I just know it happened, by comparing the mood and my work productivity. Well, whatever. It troubles me too much just to think about it, so stop intellectualizing!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Yes, II rejected the CUHK offer
After ten days of nursing my left foot, I am back running. It feels a little uncomfortable in the first 500 hundred meters, but after that, it feels normal. In the future, I wish I will be more careful.
Procrastination on my thesis is a big theme for me this quarter. I am busy in thousands of things, and they give me perfect excuse to not looking at my crappy thesis at all. Now things are winding down, and I hope I will be break enough to open these files over this spring break. Also, my paper is rejected from Social Forces, and now I need to revise this paper too so that I can submit it to other journals. Still not much information about law schools and post-docs. I just hope I will not be stuck with a worst case scenario.
I am going to teach a class this spring quarter. This will make a good quarter for me, and also add a nice item to my resume.
Spanish final exam is coming. I am review the book one chapter after another. I think I have a very good sense of the language now. I can read well, with the assistence of online dictionary. If people slowed their speaking enough, I can catch a phrase or two. Just finish the piano class. I can play some simple scores after several practices. My music reading is bad, but my muscle memory is pretty good, thanks probably to my dance training. I think I should play several pieces really well, so that I can show off once a while.
Procrastination on my thesis is a big theme for me this quarter. I am busy in thousands of things, and they give me perfect excuse to not looking at my crappy thesis at all. Now things are winding down, and I hope I will be break enough to open these files over this spring break. Also, my paper is rejected from Social Forces, and now I need to revise this paper too so that I can submit it to other journals. Still not much information about law schools and post-docs. I just hope I will not be stuck with a worst case scenario.
I am going to teach a class this spring quarter. This will make a good quarter for me, and also add a nice item to my resume.
Spanish final exam is coming. I am review the book one chapter after another. I think I have a very good sense of the language now. I can read well, with the assistence of online dictionary. If people slowed their speaking enough, I can catch a phrase or two. Just finish the piano class. I can play some simple scores after several practices. My music reading is bad, but my muscle memory is pretty good, thanks probably to my dance training. I think I should play several pieces really well, so that I can show off once a while.
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