Narrative lost. Blog ends.

It is time, I think, to end this blog for now. It is not that I run out of stuff to blog about. You know, life goes on, fun or boring, and I have always been able to put a spin or psychoanalysis on even the most mundane happening, squeezing a bit of significance to my own biography. So why now?

I think I've lost my narrative. The blog starts out as a self-confession of a typical, and maybe struggling, graduate student. It was quite amazing to discover a different voice, a voice that I had never uttered a word before, but it felt so uniquely my own at the very first moment. So I blogged on, with the series of my friends, my family and crushes as high watermarks. Writing them down made me re-experience the blogged episodes in a more real fashion, making me cry and laugh once a while, sometimes bringing back some memories that had long lost in the creek called time. But no more. I think I have changed, so I cannot pretend that I am still able to blog in the same narrative. Just look at some of my recent entries, which have lost the edge that I was most proud of this blog.
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In some way, blog (or social networking) is about self-branding. You start with a narrative and stick with it. Somehow, you will be lost in the margin of sincerity and pretension. Somehow, you get lost on whether it is you who define the blog or it is the blog that defines you. I obviously feel the pressure from the latter. With the burdens of all the previous entries, to keep blogging in a different voice, or as a different person, is alien to me.

Well, it is a good 3-year run, and it has shaped my thoughts and way of living in at least some subtle way. Would I have come out a different person without the blog? Probably not. But I am sure that I would have lost one important flavor in the plate of life experience. So bye to my blog, and bye to my rather limited reader pool. If you have been getting quick updates about my life from this blog, feel free to check in with me with quick emails. If I decide to start blogging again, it will be at husonghua.blogspot.com, which is currently empty!

Way to go in consulting

It is my second consulting gigs, and I have begun to identify the areas where I am lacking skills. The realization comes as a mixed blessing. It is depressing because I have a long way to go before assembling the whole skill kit, but it is liberating because it excites me to move forward with a fighting spirit.

If my personal history is any indication, this is very good. I have a tendency to get complacent without pressure. When I went to college, I faced a cultural shock: the communication in mandarin, the communal living with 5 other people, the sudden change of expectation from a child to an adult, the beginning of counting romantic relationship not as a damaging evil, but as some trophy you brag about... For the first two years, I felt I never really fit in. But you know what, looking back, I made great effort in trying to fit in, and I was okay in the end. The same process happened in my first two years of overseas experiences. Then I spent the next five years without too much pressure (or with insignificant pressure that I thought was a big deal at that time). It is deceiving to live in the bubble of an ivory tower. Looking out, you feel you are above it all, but real life takes more stamina than finishing a dissertation, which I was whining about for little reason(see my previous blogs for apparent evidence). I think now it is time again to strive to learn new stuff rather than sitting on my old cultural capital.

Before I started working, I thought I had all the skills in the world to be successful in the real world. I took pride of my sociological learning and tried to stick with it whenever I could. However, the past half a year taught me something else. I have realized two important things. 1) I am usually not the smartest kid in the room. 2) If I stick with my current job, I will be able to learn my way to be as smart as I want to be. While I still takes pride of my academic soul, I think it is time for it to take a back seat and give more open-mindedness to all the other "cheaper" and "shallower" knowledge.

So what is the moral of story? Well, in the end, it is not really about work, it is able to be better than an old me. Work skills eventually translates into life experiences, and I want to be a better person. To my readers, this conclusion looks eerily similar to my last post's punch line. My hat off to this. It is not an intelligent design. It just happens this way.

Cercil (continued)

Remember My Crush IV? I bet you do, right? It was a surprise for me last month through a mutual friend to find out that Cercil resides in the city with me now. Yesterday I went up town to meet her on her campus. We have not seen each other for 18 months, so there was a lot to catch up.

We met in a coffee shop at 3pm. Since the weather was nice, we walked along Charles River and chatted as any other long-time friends. She told me that she had some retina problem in her left eye about 1 year ago, so she had to go through a surgery. While recovering from it, she decided to apply for graduate schools, putting the dream of a dancer aside for now. Of course she got into some top programs, and here she is, in the same city with me. I was thrilled to see her, as you can imagine. We are two long-lost friends who are separated and reunited by fate, and I felt such ease just talking to her, finding out what she went through, imaging her new life in a new city, and of course, fantasizing the chance that the fate has so favorably bestowed on me.

we finished walking along the river and then she showed me her office. It was cool to revisit a graduate student life, from which I just escaped happily but for which I inevitably missed from time to time. She was in an art program, so there was designs, models, drawings, portfolios and junks all over the place. We chatted about the past, our dancing career, whereabouts of our favorite persons we both know, facebook, travel plan, anything. Once a while, her classmates (it was a giant open space and everything sees everyone from a distance) would stop by and have the most random conversation. Two of her classmates show obvious affection towards her. Not a surprise to me.

We chatted about 2 and a half hours. It feels short, and I really want to see her again some time soon. Needless to say, my feeling towards her is rather complicated. On the one hand, we are still very good friends, and I hope this friendship will last forever. On the other hand, I cannot stop thinking about asking her out for a date soon. But regardless, meeting with her today yesterday instilled me with a purpose, big or small. I remember a line from a movie and here is the paraphrase, "knowing you makes me want to be a better person." That is exactly how I feel today.

Sick finally

Maybe it IS the cold weather. I finally got sick, coughing with mucus (Mucus, a nice word that sounds almost delicious). I thought I was going to hang on for a day or two, but I gave up and went to pharmacy to get some OTC medicine. I am completely functional otherwise, but coughing makes my throat ache and feels bad. I should go to bed early today.

But perfect, since I lost interest in doing other things, I finally sit down yesterday and today and revised the paper I am writing with my adviser. Two hours ago, it was done on my part and I am kicking the paper to his corner. I think that my new tables are going to address most of the R&R comments, but I am not sure how my adviser thinks yet. You know, being a freelance academic writer is more fun than being a professor, and I wouldn't mind writing papers under no pressure of going for tenure.

I also lost some money in stock market today. It is paper loss though, and I hope it is going to recover. I have also built a DCF model on a stock I am interested in investing (My first real DCF model!). My model indicates that, after today's drop, it is a good time to buy. No cash in hand yet, but I will wait and see.

Two hours later.....

Just sent out the email to my adviser, feeling like a victory lap. Also, just took a shower, and felt much better. The throat was less clogged now, thank to Robitussin. Still a little light-headed. I was rather drowsy down, probably a side effect of Robitussin. I am going to put on the second half of Chinese version of Infernal Affairs (I finished the first half in China three weeks ago). I think this DVD requires no brain to watch, so perfect.

A long road home: the book

I have been watching ABC World New podcast for at least a year. This is one foreign correspondent, Martha Raddatz, who never failed to impress me. She was very articulate and level-headed. But most important, I liked her because I could sense she was a kind person, and I do not know how I got this impression. She liked to use "You bet" when Charlie Gibson said, "Thanks, Martha." And I thought that was smart too.

Anyway, one day I listened to Newshour podcast (another of my favorite) while I was biking to a bike shop, Martha was reading excerpts from her new book. It was a book about war and family, and I was instantaneously hooked by the humanities shining through the pages, well, ipod. I sought for the book, but the hardcover was sold out. So I had to wait until last week and got a paperback version.

There is no surprise that I would like this book. If you know me, you probably know my favorite movies, such as Forrest Gump, Cider House Rules, Cinema Paradise, etc, that put the main characters against a historical backdrop. The storytelling has to be good as if I know the people in the movie for a long time. If it is a good guy, I need to know the weaknesses and mistakes; if it is a bad guy, I need to track down the family background to understand the way he/she is. Anyway, that is the kind of movie I like, and it applies to books as well.

Martha's book really brought me to the battleground of April 4, 2004, and the army post 8000 miles away. I see heroic acts, strong families, gruesome battles, and I also sense the battlefield mistakes, flawed policies, battle dilemmas and troubled soldiers and family members. Through its superb story telling, I think I have a close encounter with war and its aftermath, all thanks for Martha.

I have not read through the whole books yet. I finished the first 100 pages or so, and some soldiers began to die. I knew there would be eight deaths in total, and reading the book linearly would unveil one death after the other. So I decided to spoil the ending, skipping to the final chapters so that I would know who died and who lived, so that I did not need to invest much emotional attachment to the soldiers about to die when I read through the battle sequence in the next several days.

This is a three-day weekend. Sometimes I got really bored and I read the book out loud. Reading out loud was quite different from silent reading, because it involved for senses so the scenes feels more real. I was especially touched by the end, when death messages were delivered, families shocked, and dead soldiers remembered. That is the book at its best. When I read it out loud, I felt touched and overwhelmed, and my voice sometimes got choked a little, and I am very proud of it.

A trip to Salem and Portsmouth

It was cool that Amsol visited me last week. He had this workshop in MIT on complex system. I think he hated it, but hey, we got a chance to hang out for a week, and the weather is awesome by Boston-winter standard.

I got a playstation II as the default entertainment for the week. I got a shooting game and thought I would like it, but actually he hated it because it made me dizzy. Amsol seemed enjoying it and was smart enough to figure out small tricks (I was frustrated to death to find the "stone bridge," but he figured it out pretty fast). One game both of us enjoyed is NFL 2008. Both of us were not very good, but we liked to take risks to have 4th down throw, on-site kicks, or two-point conversion (If you do not know these terms, it is alright. I did not either before playing the game). This really adds color to our plays, as we finished one thriller 42-41 in the last second (I lost for being greed to take 2-point).

We had a nasty debate one night about Myer-Biggs types. Amsol was from a race/ethnicity study background, and was repulsed by the categorization. How can you put people neatly into 16 categories?! What about self-fulfilling prophesy?! Has consulting brainwashed you?! In retrospect, I should have conceded a little bit. However, in another retrospect, I enjoyed the debate, and my only complain is that it last a bit too long.

Amsol left from Portsmouth, so we had a rental car one day before and stayed in Portsmouth for a night. On the way there, I stopped by Salem and checked out the famous witch-hunting history. I hated the witch stuff, because the town of Salem was capitalizing the tragedy. It was all about cheap merchandises made in China, little about a reflection about the past shame. The highlight of the day was in an Origami exhibition. I followed the instruction and folded a bird with one-dollar bill. I put it in the museum, hoping some kids will pick it up and shout, "Look mom, I found a dollar bird!" We also saw a lady with explosive breasts that tried to peek out from her low dress, and how can we miss it? Amsol got a picture of it, with my camera.

We spent the night in Portsmouth. I later knew that Hillary Clinton's tear moment was in a diner in this town. That probably saved her NH primary. We tried to find a lobster place. We walked over a bridge and found ourselves in Maine. This reminded me the lines from one of my favorite movie, Cider House Rules, "Good night, you Princes of Maine, you Kings of New England!" Maine, I am here to eat your lobster! We found a perfect place. Each of us got a two-lobster meal. This was Amsol's first time eating lobster, and I was honor to be the witness. To be honest, lobster is very tough, and I had a hard time chewing the second, and swore that I would never eat two lobsters for one meal in the future.

I felt good by visiting two states in one day. Amsol told me that there is a place in the upper-right conner of Arizona where you can step on four states at the same time. I should go there some day.

A blog from home

I wrote the following blog while I was at home in China:

It is always like that. Every time I come back to China, I have strange feelings, the feelings that have not blessed me for a long time. But all of a suddenly, I walked on the sidewalk, memory of a high school day would emerged, appearing more real than the current life I am living. I walk on the street, seeing the people around me, gray faces with rough skins on young persons like me. That could be me, I thought, that could be me.

That is the weirdest part. When I look at the people around me and my life behind me, I could no longer figure out how I get to the life I am in today. It is just so impossible that took myself by surprise, and I feel it very strongly when I am back. So many things to write about, not only about facts I see on the road, but about the feelings that swell my heart like a river run through a delta. With all the soil subsidies to the bottom, I hope I can still look at the water and see my reflection and tell myself, "I am still the person my folks have been knowing for a long time, with good heart and humble upbringing, patient and kind."

But who knows, every time I am back, it feels different, a difference that I cannot exactly describe with words, no matter spoken or written. Tomorrow I will meet a lot of high school friends, and I bet it will be very strange indeed. Sometimes you have to struggle to believe, with life so distant apart, is it still fair to call us friends, a perfect cover-up for a relationship that will go nowhere. Sigh, I do not know why I tend to be very sad when I am back. I think I am born to be pessimistic, but I have trained myself to be cheerful as a survival strategy. But when I am back, my guard is so low that it just gets the best of me.

I went to the nursing center to see my grandma today. She is very ill, but I am still happy to see her alive. I thought last time was indeed the last time, but I am lucky to see her one more time. She has been in the bed for over a year. When I walked to her bed, she could barely open her eyes. When she saw me, her eyes lit up with surprise, as if she were young all over again. The energy would not last long. She returned to her normal status and can barely think of something to talk about with me. I put my hand near her face, something that I always liked to do when I was a kid. She was just resting, and I was fighting away tears. I sit for about 20 minutes, asking stupid questions like, "how do you feel?" and "how is your life here" here and there, but mostly we were just silent. Her brain is all messed up, so she does not have very coherent thoughts. Throughout, she asked me one question, "do you come back one-person or two-person?" That made me want to cry… In the end, I stood up, and told her that I would be back the next day. I bent myself and kissed her on the cheek and then left.

When you grow older, life has become much more fragile. Every time I come back, I have heard of stories of people passing away due to various natural diseases or unnatural causes. Just think of 10 years ago, life is very hopeful for most of my classmates, now everyone has a very narrow goal to pursue, including myself, as if life is closing the doors it has opened when we were all students.

Amsterdam and London, Take two

I was in Amsterdam and London again the past two weeks. Last week I took the initiative to come to UK to work with clients. It turn out to be a great trip. Not only I got more work done, but I worked less hours. During the weekend, I got a chance to walk around London and attended two shows: Mary Poppins and Fiddler on the Roof. Mary Poppins show was like a magic dream, great music and great acting. I was in a shock when Mary Poppins took out a shit load of stuff from her carpet bag. And what about flying over the stage? "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" was a fun song, and "Feed the birds" was touching, during which I wiped off some tears.

Last Saturday I was jogging in Hyde Park. The first time I heard of Hyde Park it was during the history class during high school. Carl Marx used to be there debating, as I was told. Obviously, the tradition still lives, as every Sunday noon people could freely debate. I did not get a chance to be there on Sunday, but I was told that it was nowadays dominated by middle-easterners and Africans. Probably white people are too content not to really care about debating. Okey, back to Saturday, and Hype Park was full of people. Obviously, there was a carnival sort of thing going on. Adults and kids all together, with tokens of 2 pounds, took part in a massive demonstration of a good time. Jumping castle, haunted house, fake snow gliding, skating ring etc. You know people in UK are quite lazy, but they know how to have fun. Another example is that the same time, while I was near a subway station, all of a sudden about 200 people, all in Santa Claus dress, emerged from the subway, some with beer bottle in hands, and started singing Christmas songs at the fountain next to the street.

Then I went to Amsterdam. It was a tough week, and we slept 4 hours a day on average for four days. On the fifth day, I began to develop a headache, and I fell asleep right away on the plane without noticing the tremble in taking off. I slept the whole way back to Boston, only waking up in time for some meal and half a cartoon movie in the very end. My headache went away afterwards.

Two more weeks on the current project, and then I am heading to California and China. There does not seem to have too much work left, so I do not think I will be super busy. In the meanwhile, I am counting my hotel points. Just in case my friends cannot host me in Beijing or Shanghai, I will just use these points on a hotel.

Amsterdam!

So I am in Amsterdam this week. I just love this city. Somehow Amsterdam reminds me of my hometown Ningbo. It has the same small-town feeling. Everybody minds their own business, and nobody is pretentious. There are many bikes on the street. The style of the bikes looks like the one you will normally see in China. Steady structure, a back seat to carry bag or a person, a ring to warn pedestrians, no speed change. A lot of beautiful people in the city, but they are so nice and humble that I fit right in. Sometimes I walk on the Amsterdam street, and small traces of childhood memory will float by, reminding me of an innocent age with no worries of work, no stresses of travel, and no pressures of being alone.

My passport was held by US embassy for one extra day, and it totally destroyed my travel plan. However, I am very happy about it. I was supposed to leave last night, but now I had the chance to visit my former roommate, Marty. Marty was in my co-op dorm for a quarter only as a visiting student. A total dude. He always get 8 hours of sleep a night. His life and his room is super organized. He uses him time at school just to relax, and that is why it takes him 6 years to finish a master. And he told me that in his Dutch program, he is the first one to graduate. Slackers! He is a very typical dutch. Pale, tale, blonde, and can pass as a movie star. I used to think he is lazy, but I changed my mind after I experienced Amsterdam. That is just the way they are.

I met Marty in his bank. He showed me about the trading floor and his office. Very impressive stuff there. He then carried me with his bike all across the town with rather flat tires. We first went to a bar to get some beer and snacks. We got this Belgium beer (La Schoffe?). The legend is that it used to be made by midgets. We then went to a Turkish restaurant. According to my Turkish taxi driver, it is not good at all. For Marty and me, it is good enough. At 9pm, we returned to his apartment, which reminds me of his room in my co-op, very clean and stylishly decorated. His girlfriend finished Italian lesson, and we all went out for more drinks. I like his girlfriend a lot. She is tall, pretty but down-to-earth. Her English is not good, but she has this natural charm and bravery to speak a foreign language. We spent most of the time in the bar talking about gambling and beer commercials.

One more week

This weekend sucks. I thought I had things planned out, but it all fell apart in the end, so I spent two days on my own. Watching some DVDs, catching up with some work, reading some magazines, etc. I am hoping next weekend will be better.

The work is still the good old work. I am definitely getting more comfortable with the types of work we do: a lot of estimates and thinking on the feet. Good-bye, my 95% confidence interval, I do not expect to meet you any time soon again. On the other hand, as the problem-solving on the project gets more and more to the end, I find my way of thinking fits better and better. That's something to feel good about.

Talking about confidence interval, I got an R&R for my paper from Social Forces. Now I have two single-authored R&R in pockets, and I just do not bother to do it any more. Just want to put it out here, in case my readers want to jump on my bandwagon and do the rest of shitty work and co-author these two papers. One about educational stratification 1949-1978, and the other about elite competition 1949-1996.

As you may already know, I am quite narcissistic. I Google myself once a while, So I typed in "Songhua Hu" today and found that I am beating out the lake of "Songhua Hu" as well as a "Dr. Songhua Hu," Chair of Animal Sciences from Zhejiang University. Pretty cool to stay ahead of animal researchers. Of course, the one that followed is my "pimp my date" site. Here is the whole thing why I Googled myself. I got an email today from a friend, asking whether the website was a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a joke. It is also my problem, because I can never say it is NOT a joke. I am not sure how I am feeling about being single at the age of 30. I can see an irony here. I believe I am okay with it, but at the same time I suspect that it is a lie that I have rationally convinced myself to be okay with. For me being myself, I can never sort out this simple puzzle. I hope I am not confuse you here. Long story short, I am convinced that sometimes people Google my name (or that Dr. animal research). It makes me feel I am still relevant in some way.

There are two friends visiting me this week, one from William's College and one all the way from California. It is good to be with friends, and hey, thanks for visiting.

Work and life

Work is hard. In my last job, the work was so easy that I got restless. Now it is the opposite. For two weeks in the end of September, my time of sleep was an average of 5 hours a day, including one weekend. I was pretty burned out in the end. I thought that those scary stories of consulting was urban legend. How naive was I! On the bright side, however, I think I have adapted quite well. As a person born to work rather than live a full life, I did not feel I lost too much.

But it is educational. Now I see my leisure time in different light. I am no longer satisfied wasting my weekends watching TV or surfing internet. I feel my time deserves better things. So I reach out, trying not to be left alone (being alone is my natural tendency). So yesterday I was volunteering in Rosie's place, a shelter for homeless women. To be honest, it is totally out of selfish reason. Just try to be with people, and they think I was a giving guy. How nice. I then went to lunch with some of my co-workers and talked about some office politics. I went back home and watched some football. Then I went out with my neighbor and his friend for dinner. That was my perfect Saturday.

Today is a little less impressive. I was working in Starbucks in the morning. In the afternoon, I went out for a run. I broke my running record. I was planning for 8 miles initially. Then I felt good, so I kept going. Somehow I got lost, so I ran even more to get back. The final mileage is 11.3 miles. In the end, my heart and lungs were just fine, but my leg muscles gave up in the end. I am recovering now. The thing is, when the job is stressful, the pain from running becomes relatively dull. If I can get out for a run to wipe out all the stress, the pain becomes a small price to pay. Quite a good deal in the end. Not only I got some exercise, but I also got the glory of being a record-breaker.

It is getting cold here. Today the heat was turned on, so I know the winter is coming soon. This coming weekend I plan to have meal with my good friend and her boyfriend. Also, I might go drive out with my friends to see the leaves turning colors. As I grow up, I finally begin to understand the small joy, like enjoying the nature. On the flip side, however, what happens to life's big dreams?

Hub on wheels and oxford university

I have not posted photos for a while. Here are some.
I did a bike ride as part of Hub on Wheels. I am in the starting line.



I went to Oxford last week and took some pictures in my morning run and in the training station.

My friend: Callow

I started this entry on my laptop on Sept 3, but my crazy work schedule caught up and I did not have much since. We just finished a workshop and now it is time to take a breath. Let me finish this one first and then I will talk about my work and my travel.

Yesterday (Sept 2), I sent away my roommate (probably my last roommate in my whole life). We had a rental car (fricking big Ford Taurus), and we drove all the way to William’s college from Boston. Let me call him Callow.

Callow was born in China. His parents are both academics. His father is in US, and his mother stays in China. Talking about potential marital problems. Anyway, I am not gossipy enough to probe that. Who cares about his parents.

I met his dad once, when he flew from Florida to Boston to see his son. That day I was in kitchen cooking with only underwear. A little embarrassed to see a “Jia Zhang” like that. I put on my clothes and had a chat. The next morning, we had breakfast together. When his father was around, Callow did not talk too much. And his father still treats him like a little kid.

If I have to use one word to describe Callow, he is socially awkward (okey, two words). He does not have the mental readiness to chit-chat. A big nerd indeed. I think I have three majors in college, plus doing all the extracurricular activities. He worked in a hedge fund this summer in Boston, probably in an effort to confirm to the Asian stereotype: always shooting for the most respected and high-paid job. Obviously, that job does not work out too well for him. He did not tell too much about the job, but since he was paid by hours, he had a tendency to flake for one day or two each week. That's how I tell he does not like the work too much.

He is obsessed with Salsa. Twice a week, he would go to Salsa clubs. I am not sure why he liked it so much, but in a way, I can totally relate, as I probably had the same reason to get involved with drama and dance. Lack of artistic genes, we tried to stake it out and prove that we can indeed do it. For me, it was great memory, but never life-changing as I subconsciously expected. I am not so sure about Callow's expectation, but hey, good luck with it. He said he would like to teach Salsa classes in William's College, maybe even find a girlfriend there.

Callow was very good at computer programming. He coded a python script that connect several data sources so that he can listen to all GRE vocabulary on subway. He knows quite a bit about string theory. He will take GRE this year, and is ready for graduate school with his good grades and three majors. A total overachiever.

On Sept 2, we had this long road trip together. It was quite fun. We stopped by a Wal-mart to get some stuff. For me, a bunch of kitchen stuff. For him, it was to pick up a fan. I am not kidding, but it took him 45 minutes to pick a fan. Probably all the mathematical equations went through his mind in an effort to analyze the cost and benefit of each fan model (econ and math are two of his triple majors). After we checked out, he realized there was even a cheaper model displayed in the checkout aisle. He returned the one he picked and got the other way. That way he saved one more dollar. I am not writing this episode condescendingly. I am writing it because it is just like me, who will spend tons of time to make financially sound decision, even in retrospective to be not worth it.

A new blog is born

Okey, my best friend just put up his blog. I am betting 25 dollars that he will not post more than 50 entries before the end of this year. So hey, if you want to win the money, keep it up! (By the way, no lazy-ass entries. Have to be at least three lines each.)

I was in NYC again, this time for a project. I was spending 300 dollars a night in hotel and 40 dollars a dinner each day. Hey, not my money, who cares. Last night I worked until 1pm, and then slept 5 hours to get up for a conference. Strangely, I seem to enjoy it. Not necessarily for the hard work, but for the good ratio of effort and reward, reward not in a monetary sense, but in terms of feeling like a big shot.

I need to travel to Netherlands for this project in the coming weeks. My visa application was rejected because "your current photo does not match the photo on the passport. You have to get a new passport. Blah, blah." F^&, I guess my photo does not match his ass either. I want to see how his ass is going to get a new passport. Anyway, I went to Chinese consulate for a new passport, with a feeling that I do look much older than 7 years ago.

Nothing more to say. Just want to re-emphasize: Working for consulting or investment banking does make you feel like a big shot pretty fast. I am feeling that it is corrupting my perfect soul now. It probably take a couple more months before I will be arrogant enough to ask all my friends to make appointments with my beautiful secretary in order to have conference calls with me. Okey, you know I am kidding, right?

Delinquency. My bad. My friend Bertil.

So let me pick it up here. I've been busy, but that is no excusing not writing this blog. Besides, I have noticed that you, my readers, are still reading, so I guess I need to keep writing.

Life has been boring for me so far. Which is probably a good thing. I go to work, I dress up, I take subway, I travel to another city, I work with my teammates, I come back home, I watch some tv, I go to bed. It almost feel that life like a ticking clock, where every minute moves in exactly the same distance, no surprises.

I am a ISTJ (any Myer-Biggs fans out there). This means that I will struggle a little bit in my new job. Indeed, my first week was not easy, not for the work I was doing, but mostly for four days of exposure to the team. As an introvert, I felt exhausted after four days of team work. Of course, I know I am a long-distance runner, so it probably only takes a bit time for me to adopt.

I was in New York a couple of weeks ago. I stayed with my friend Bertil in a rectory school. Bertil is a friend I get to know from my co-op life, but this time I really got a chance to know him. I am going to take this chance to profile him.

Bertil is a cool kid. Back in college, he directed a bunch of absurd plays that not too many people appreciate. But he insisted that he knew the best of arts. He was one of the best foosball players in the dorm, and took great proud of constantly beating me. Once he started a "streak" board, in an attempt to humiliate my sub-par plays. Sometimes when I walked in the hallway, he would jump out from his room suddenly and knock me into the wall. Then I would wrestle him. He is about the same height as I am, so I could take him. He has an almost unnatural ability to un-selectively appreciate everybody, so we became friends.

After graduation, he took a job in a rectory school, almost teaching everything. At that time, I thought he was just a washed-up elite school graduate who sought meanings of life in doing good deeds. However, this visit changed my mind.

The night I arrived, we head out to a bar. On the subway train, we went through the girls in our co-op, playing a pseudo-hot-or-not game. It turns out that Bertil and I had very different tastes.... Stop digressing! Anyway, we got there, and he called up his girlfriend, a girl he slept with a couple of times but now was avoiding. We met at a loud bar. After a while, we took the subway back. That girl was one of the most self-centric person, but she was totally into Bertil. On the train, she began to subtly touch Bertil, but Bertil did not seem to react. Of course, they slept together that night, but then Bertil tried to avoid her calls the very next day. And that makes sense to me.

So we did not get a chance to chat the first night, but then we had quite long conversation the next two nights. I was surprised to see how mature Bertil is (I thought he was like a playboy, with a natural likability that even he himself did not fully realize). He talked about why he did not like that girl. He talked about the politics in the rectory school. He actually had a very sophisticated way of judging people, just like the way I am. In the middle of the night, we got into the church in front of school, and he began to play electric-simulating organ, with a long dedicated to an old woman, whom he claimed he was in love.

Besides these, we watched a skateboarding contest, watched a absurd play (which he liked a lot), and visited SoHo and time square. I got a chance to met with his cousin, who was totally as cool as Bertil. We got drunk that night, so we played "squeezing the other person into the wall" on the street, just like we did back in the co-op dorm. With fun time like that, I never managed to get up early to run in central park as I had planned. But what the heck, I had a good time.

So here is the thing. While I can be cool and fun once a while (possibly after a drink), Bertil is always cool and fun. Some times during my stay with Bertil, I got a feeling that I did not deserve a friend like Bertil. In heart, I want to be like Bertil. As an ISTJ, I want to be like Bertil, an ENTJ.

My Crushes (IV)

I think this is my last post of My Crush series. Seriously, it does not even count, because I just viewed her as a dream girl, but not really in a sexual way. Let me call her Cercil.

She was in the modern dance group I was in a couple of years ago. To be honest, the people in the group was one major reason why I joined the group. That year, she was one of the group leaders. In my mind, she was the one who really put the group together. She could radiate the energy that cheers everyone up. No doubt about it, she is one of the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. But you know what, personality and look usually work together in my judgment about beauty, so calling her beautiful may just be doing some injustice here.

The first time I met Cercil was three years ago, when we were redoing a big dance piece together. Because some dancers have graduated, she was one of the new girls who joined in. She is not as a good dancer as the one she replaced, but the piece is better off with her. She was very serious in learning the piece, but I like her the most in lighter moments. For example, she and another girl were the first to appear on the stage. For a while, they were always one or two steps behind the music. Cercil would take it easy, sometimes making a face, sometimes just starting to laugh. I think everyone likes her, including me of course.

Once we were preparing for another people right before performance. We were all stretching in the backstage. I took out my camera. She saw it, and began to goof around. For a moment, she got down to the floor, crawling like a cat, a scene you can only see from strip club or something. Seconds later, she realized that she got carried away and was too silly in front of me. She brushed a little then. For me, that image was still in my mind. I am sure that was quite sexy, but every time I think about it, I was laughing while shaking my head, "such a free spirit".

To be sure, I haven't got too much chance talking to Cercil. However, when I talked to her, I realized how intelligent she is. While seemingly spontaneous as the dance group leader, she indicated that she actually thought through it quite carefully. She paid attention to every individual and tried to make everyone feel included. I am sure that my conversation with her was her way to make me part of the group. I really appreciated that. Without her, I do not think I would stayed in that group for three quarters.

She graduated one year ago and now back in Texas. I heard she had a surgery on her eyes, because something was detached or something like that. I thought that it was too stupid to call her for that. Luckily, once I was walking with a mutual friend, and Cercil called her. She handed me the phone. On the other side of the phone was again the familiar and cheerful voice. We promised to keep touch. Of course, we haven't since.

Once I Googled her name and found her portfolio online (she majored in architecture, urban design or engineer). It is full of sketches and paintings. Very beautiful. I never knew that she was such a good painter! Maybe in all our conversations I was always talking about me me me.

Anyway, as you can see, this one really does not count. I just feel that she is so perfect that it almost belittles me. I admire her more than I like her. In my widest dream, I should have a wife like Cercil. But in reality, I know I have been lucky enough to have danced with her.

Austria

 

That is the view from my hotel room. Isn't that amazing?

The first week is over. Overall, I think I am doing quite well. There are some moments when I feel like an idiot. For example, being very stiff when other people in the party mood, not able to get an interesting conversation going, too serious when other people are joking, or too light-hearted when other people are serious, etc. However, it is really due to my lack of exposure to this kind of situation in graduate school. One week later, I have found myself much better, as if I am going to give myself a higher grade each day.

Yesterday I was in Salzberg. I finally visited Mozart's birthplace. What a crap! I really think Mozart deserve a better museum than they had in Salzberg. Mozart's name has become a big selling point in Salzberg. Of course, I got a orange Mozart T-shirt too, just try to be cheesy. Ironically, some street musicians were play Vivaldi's Four Season, my favorite classical music piece.

Today I was hiking with two friends in the training program. It took us 4 hours to get all the way to the top. It was very exhausting, but I think I am doing okey. Afetr I came back, I swam a little and then enjoyed some sauna. Not a bad day, isn't it?

Europe (II)

I have been in this small town of Austria for three days. To be sure, small European town looks exactly like the one we see on the post card. Beautiful but fake. Right outside my balcony I can see mountains. Because of the high altitude, sometimes I see clouds flying by like the mountain is smoking cigarette.

Busy. I barely have time to do the readings and write the blogs. Right now I am delaying my dinner to write this entry. If I go to dinner right now, I will stick around until later tonight. Too many interesting people to have conversation with. However, I have set up a very good schedule for the past three days. Getting up at 6pm, go to the gym for half an hour and then swim for 20 minutes. Come back and have breakfast until 8am, that's when classes start. I will try to keep that up, even on weekends.

I think I really have made a good choice in taking this new job. I like most of the people around me. It seems that I would be expected to contribute more in my work than in my previous work. To be honest, I am a lazy person, but if the expectation is high, I tend to perform better. After three days here, I have a good sense of the people around me, and I feel that I can be at least above average in the new environment.

Maybe it is just me, but it only took me one or two days to sort through all the people in this training programs. Some are good talkers, some are deep thinkers, some are solid, some are showy, some are strong-willed, some go with flows. It is amazing how my judgmental abilities work through the crowd. For me, I am never a person who leaves a strong first impression, but I am damn sure that everything is going uphills ever since.

This weekend I might go to Salzberg. It is important to pay Mozart some respect to see his birth place. It was quite incredible to think that such a genies has lived on the land that we normal people can share. I hope that is not too much insult to Mozart.

Europe

I am in Europe now. The driver who picked me up does not speak any English, so the two hours and a half grand transportation was very boring. Plus the jet lag, I almost fell asleep. After arriving the place, I was quite impressed. It turned out that my company owned this place. It feels like a gated private resort.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. The company wants to impress the employees for two reasons. First, the employees will feel being in good hand. Second, the experiences will make employees to be comfortable if future clients offer such luxurious setting. For me, it is perfect. I just had a nice swimming and sauna. Tomorrow, I might take a run about this nice European town. On my back, it is a mountain, where we might be hiking as a weekend activity.

To be continued...

How I made up all the code names for friends?

For my new readers only:

(I had a series of "friends" blogs in the past. I basically went from A to Z, and made up names on the fly. For example, Amsol, Brey, Chestina, ....Zexum. Then I have this spreadsheet which keeps track of who is who. Now every time I refer to my friends, the names come handy.)