My Crushes (I)

When we talk about the first crush, we tend to go all the way back to when we were little. It is like an arms competition during the cold war, and everyone wants to claim they are the first to land on the moon. Well, if you think I am the exception, you are wrong. I do not even know whether the crush in my fifth grade in elementary should count as a crush, but one incident makes it very memorable. So nowadays when I think of "crush", this one will jump into my mind.

In third grade, a new transfer came to my classroom. She was transferred from a nearby rural school, where she mom used to teach. As her mom got a teaching position (music) in my school, the girl came along. At the very beginning, I noticed that she was different from most urban girls in the class. She had dark skin complexion, probably due to the exposure to the sun while playing outside. When she smiled, she showed her teeth with the mouth widened. She was not shy at all. In fact, she stood out as a wild kid in the class, running around all the time, waving her long hair in the air. To me, a shy and timid kid, her presence was quite refreshing. Let me call her May here. Oh, why the way, her mom was not a good music teacher. She is partly to blame if you hate to go karaoke with me.

Now introduce another figure in my elementary school. Let me call him Seeth here. Seeth was a natural leader in the class. He was tall and smart, full of ideas (sometimes great, sometimes dumb). For example, he began to collect other students' parents' names. When he learnt it, he began to use "XXX's son" as an insult. It resulted in some sort of escalation, as we all ended up collecting these names of parents, just in case, for assault or for defense. We also collected teachers' names (We usually do not know teachers' name. Teachers are referred as Teacher Zhang or Teach Wang, etc.). We used to badmouth teachers on their backs, and using their full names added to our satisfaction. Not surprisingly, I was one of Seeth's follower.

Seeth, May and I were among student committee, which means we were the teachers' helping hands (I was actually on the verge of being a teacher's pet). One of our duties was to come to school over the nap break, to make sure that no other students lingered around the school when they were supposed to take a nap (Until this day, I still do not get the point why we had to force students to take a nap).

One day Seeth and I (and a third guy) were in a shift together during the nap break. The campus was quiet, and we were probably the only persons there. We obviously got bored. Seeth asked whether I had a girl I liked at school. I reluctantly said yes. And how about you, I asked. He said yes too. So we tried to interrogate each other in an attempt to get the girl's name, with no avail. So Seeth said, "We can both write the name on a piece of paper at the same time and then exchange." But what if someone cheated. Well, Seeth pointed out that third guy could be the eye witness. Sounds good to me. So we got a piece of page, and I wrote down May's name, and with my peripheral sights, I saw Seeth dribbled down something too.

You can imagine what happened next. We exchanged the paper, and I realized I was cheated because his sheet had nothing on it. I began to chase after him and caught him, and he quickly put the piece of paper in his mouth and then showed me, "see, I swallowed it." Later I realized he did not. I was told that he retrieved the paper under his tongue and learned my secret crush. Since then I lived under the constant terror that one day he would disclose that to the whole world.

Eventually, I do not think Seeth did. He probably forgot about it, or thought that was really no big deal. For me, however, it was an experience that I felt shameful for liking someone, for no obvious reasons. Seeth later was my classmate in both junior and senior high. Of course, I grew up and no longer his follower. He grew even taller and more handsome. Eventually, he went to a medical university and now probably is serving as a doctor in the military. He had a kid a year ago and now a proud father. If I get a chance to meet him again, I promise myself to bring up this episode and hear his version of the story (unless he has forgotten about it).

After elementary school, May moved on to a technical junior high, and I heard of her only once after that when one of my high school friend told me that her best friend dated May in the technical junior high and later broke up. For me, that was nothing. Crushes come and go, leaving no apparent traces. Only that incident really registered in my memory, making this crush to be the obvious candidate as my first crush ever.

My bittersweet goodbye to sociology

I submitted my dissertation three days ago. Officially, I am a doctor starting from April 8th. The whole dissertation is posted at http://www.songhuaweb.com/SonghuaDissertation.pdf. It is password protected. Yes, upon request, I am emailing one of my readers the password.

Now I am back to starbucks, working on my chapter 5. Why? Well, my adviser suggested that we develop this chapter into a journal paper, and I completely agree with his assessment. I will give him a manuscript some time next week, and we will go from there. After finishing dissertation, my next goal in sociology is to put my name on one of the motherf*&ker journals. And when sociology transforms itself into my hobby by default, writing seems to be easier. The I-don't-care attitude is liberating to me, and I think I will write better this way. And this coming Thursday, I will going to present my paper about China's socialist revolution in a sociological conference in Oakland. That probably will be my sweet goodbye to academic conferences, which I hate very much.

Ironically, that sums up my problems (if I have any:-): the lack of commitment. Throughout my life, I do things mostly out of a motivation to prove that I can be good at anything if I want to. Writing in high school is the start, as I was tired of being labeled as math genius. Joining drama club followed, as I wanted to escape the stereotype of book-smart. Modern dance and exercising were two more, as I wanted to shake off my self-insecurity of physical attractiveness. Pursuing a job is yet another, just so to prove to everyone that I can get a high-paid job wanted by anyone. I have a stubborn tendency not to commit, not to specialize, and to explore everything and say, "look, ma, I can do this!" (From an evolutionary point of view, being a generalist will better weather environmental changes than being a specialist. That partly explains why I have adapted so well from high school to college, from my hometown to California).

These days I try to bike to my company every day. My company will donate 5 dollars to a charity of my choice every time I bike to work. It is easy to be a good person this way. My company also give 50 dollars for cubicle decoration. Look what I get: a dartboard, a hola loop, and a kid's shooting gun. And that's only 25 dollars.

College basketball: Right now I am number 1 in my office pool. Believe it or not, I get all final four right. Now I have a good chance to get some money out of my lucky guesses.

In the next couple of weeks, I am going to start and finish one new series called "My Crush," which will chronicle my various crushes on girls since I was a kid. That will be fun, and now my skin is thick enough to toss it all out.

Lost cellphone and finished dissertation

So I lost my cellphone last Friday. At the beginning, I sorta panicked, as I cannot imagine a life without a cellphone. However, as it turns out, it does not make a big difference. I guess I do not have too many calls to begin with. On the other hand, anything can be achieved without cellphones (email, anyone?). Of course, I need to get an unlocked one on ebay or something soon, but again, what's the rush?

I got all the signatures for my dissertation today and it is ready to be submitted this Thursday. My favorite part of the dissertation is its preface, where I can basically say whatever I want to say. So here it is:

Special thanks to my advisor, whose comments in individual meetings have helped me to carry this project forward with lasting enthusiasm. The most important lesson that I have learned from Andy is that a good scholar is first and foremost a good person. This lesson is going to benefit me way beyond the finishing of this dissertation. I also want to thank other faculty members on my dissertation committee: XXXXXX. They have all provided insightful comments, constructive guidance and warm encouragement on earlier versions of this dissertation. My appreciation goes to all participants of the XXXX Workshop. Regular student members of the workshop include XXXXX. They have not only provided feedbacks on my research, but also formed a supportive community beyond the academic realm. I want to thank XXXX for their editorial help on some parts of this dissertation. They made this dissertation less daunting a project for a non-native speaker like me. I also thank the support of sociology department in the past six and half years. I am forever indebted for the intellectual challenges and collegial friendships that I have faced every day in this esteemed program. Of course, despite all the support I have received on this research project, I am solely responsible for any remaining errors.

I also want to take this moment to say “thank you” to people who have made a big impact in my life and who would be thrilled to know that I have finally achieved this life milestone to become a Ph.D. Special thanks to my beloved co-op house Terra. The three years at Terra House were unforgettable, as we shared meals, house chores, and life experiences with a sense of humor and charm. I want to thank many friends who have offered support when I was down and helped me emerge from distress stronger than ever. Thanks to the family of Victor, Rachel and Justice: you mean a lot to me. Thanks to Connie and Ed, who hosted me on the Thanksgiving Day when I freshly arrived in the States and have been treating me like part of their family ever since. Thanks to three influential teachers in my life: XXXXX. XXX has ignited my love of writing, XXX opened my heart to the arts, and XXX made me believe that I could accomplish everything, including becoming …… a modern dancer. Finally, a big thank-you to my family. In my rebellious years, my family was a place to run away from, as I was eager to establish my own place in the world. Now, thousands of miles away, every day passing by is a time when I realize more and more of their unconditional love that has shaped me all along. I dedicate this dissertation to all of you, and I know that you will be proud.

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Keep going

I discover this website by accident. It turns out she was giving the Broadway videos away for the share love of arts. I got my favorite one: Little Woman. And I promised her to spread the word. SO check out Amy's site. I hope you will enjoy it, and I hope my link here will bump the site a little higher in search ranking, so Amy will get more clicks on her online ads to make some money.

I just realized that my Darwin's Day blog has been linked by a master blogger about Darwin's Day. I was quite surprised, because I do not fully understand how he/she found my blog. Maybe a search of "Darwin's Day" on blogger.com. I am also a little embarrassed because at the end of that entry I digressed into some personal psycho-analysis. I only hope that kind of blabbing is actually intended by evolutionary force, so eventually I will get more copies of genes than otherwise.

I ran 5K the other day. 24'43". Not bad, is it? I have been working happily. It was amazed to find our the inefficiency in work places, so when I just put in mediocre effort I will pretty much stand out in the end. I also realize how much time could be wasted if the general managers lacked the expertise in talking with engineers. So I try to become the broker between these two groups, and I found that was a superb position to have in an high-tech organization.

About a while ago I had a meeting with my adviser. We were talking about the job I was about to start. He said, "I do not understand what it is, but there is something in you that stands you out." (Not exact, as I am only paraphrasing here) I was quite touched, because that was how I felt about myself all the time, but it was the first time that it was confirmed by someone I highly respected. If I have to explain why I am always able to stand out, my adviser, here is my preliminary self-analysis.

Four traits: 1. I am smart. 2. I am hard-working. 3. I have a good judgment about people. This makes me quickly figure out what's going on in an office, who to trust and who to not, and act accordingly so that I do not waste too much time in some nonsense 4. Finally, I think I am kind and humble. I usually do not abuse my talents in the previous three fields. I tried hard to make other people look good and feel comfortable. I hope nobody regards me as a threat, so I would be involved with intra-office politics. So really, I have a master strategy here, but it is subtle enough so I hope nobody will notice that.

My teeth

I haven't been very good in blogging recently. Hope I haven't lose readers at a speed I am losing teeth.

I just got one tooth (actually, some tiny root of a tooth) extracted. It all started with my new dental insurance plan (I never had dental plan before). Since now I am cover, I decided to give dental care a shot, first time in ten years.

My teeth have been a big problem since I was a kid. When I was little, I liked to eat candy and hated to brush my teeth. Got lots lots of cavities. My Niangniang used to bring me to the dentists quite often, fixing this and that. I think I had a bad memory about dentists, because they brought unbearable pains and some shame onto me. During and after college, some fillings began to wear out, and I was stubborn and scared enough not to see a dentist. As time passes by, one tooth on each side began to go bad. Initially, I still could feel the pain, but eventually I felt nothing. The pain nerve must have been dead.

So I went to see a dentist two weeks ago. Diagnosis: Most of my teeth were okey (except two, of course), but my gums are heavily infected. Last Friday, I went through a painful 2-hour deep cleaning. They used laser to burn off some infected gums, and I could smell it, like burned plastics. My gums bled badly. That night, I bled more, and I think now I need to change my pillow sheet and bed sheet.... (I could've describe it in a more gross manner to make it more realistic, but I refrained myself). And then two days ago I visited the dentist again and got one bad tooth extracted.

Overall, I have very good experience with dentists this time, though it cost me a fortune even with the insurance. I plan to fix all my dental problems this year. Maybe good teeth could help me in dating somehow. I got a new road bike too. I put the old one in my working place, and use the new one to cruise around the campus. I was running around the bay today, as my office building is less one mile from the bay. I have a 5K run in my company tomorrow, and it should be a breeze.

By the way, check out Lily Allen's album. It is surprisingly good. Leave a comment here if you want it from me (Also, once a while I talked about the music I was listening at the moment. If you would like to get these music, just let me know. I promise that I have a good taste of music).

Two good movies: The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine. Must-see movies of the year. Also watched a play: Peach Blossom Land. If you were in the same college with me, you probably remember that play. Now at my university, the play was translated into English by the author himself, Stan Lai. So many fond memories in drama club. When I watched the play, the Chinese version came through my eyes. A lot of my drama group friends were in it. How are you all doing now?