Hey, do not tell any one, but I did something bad yesterday. When I had the meeting with my advisor, we began to go beyond the usual business and had this casual conversation. Somehow I began to show him how facebook worked. Then I logged in with my account so that my advisor checked out his son who is in college now. My advisor was quite blown away by the share power of facebook. Some "incriminating" photos indeed (taa-daa, underage drinking).
This made me wonder whether my advisor was a good dad. It is totally speculative, but he was a stereotypical "distant dad". Always deep in his own thoughts, too smart to show emotions, I wonder how much his son felt his dad was "unavailable". (I had this stereotype because of my experience with my own dad). I met his son twice I think, seemingly cool and distant to his parents. Overwhelmed by both of his parents' intellectual power, he rebelled in the opposite way. I have no idea what's their relationship is, but telling from my advisor's intrigue in the facebook, I guess that he probably did not know too much about his son.
Anyway, today when I checked on the facebook again, his son had changed the privacy setting so I could no longer access his profile. I think my advisor must had teased his son last night's dinner. The tease was of course conducted with his usual charms, but his son definitely took it more seriously.
Shit, Hussein was hanged. I had this mixed feeling. Of course he deserved it, but I was afraid that it was propelled more by US's desperation to find some victory in Iraq. Come on, crime against humanity? Humanity my ass. People argue that there are natural moral laws that everyone agree upon. It is hard to argue against it, but look at the history: 200 hundred years ago, people thought slavery was the nature's rule. 50 years ago, blacks and whites could not marry. 20 years ago, AIDS was an evil disease. Even today, people treated illegal immigrants below the level of treating their pets. So what make people so sure that their current moral codes on gay marriage, abortion, religion, democracy, human nature could withstand the time test? Hussein is a criminal for sure, but there are more criminals unpunished because they were still on the winner side, unlike Hussein.
For some reason, I cannot stop writing blogs when I am writing this dissertation. My brain hasn't been so active for a while. As I thought through tens of regression tables and tried to come up with cohesive stories, my brain also fired up and had reactions to all the news and collected all my scattered thoughts into cohesive pieces. I think writing this dissertation really made me being more reflective and angry and radical. I know I am right, but I do not like the fact that I have to worry about these big problems. Fortunately, the dissertation will be soon over. I am on Chapter 5 now, and 4 days later I will be on the final chapter. And after a final sweep, I will be done in 10 days. After that, I will just think about oil, salt, soy, and vinegar, not worry too much about world peace and social inequality.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Da blog
Did you notice that I used "da" rather than "the", to pretend that I am a gandster?
This morning I surely got up early. Watched more Sutton Foster musical clips on youtube and joined a facebook group called "I wish one day I was SUTTON FOSTER". I am not surprised that she had a strong following on college campus.
I finished my breakfast, and began to do so morning readings (I am reading Bee Season, babe!), which I hadn't done for a while. The sun just rose. Since it was low on the horizon, it spit some lights through my windows and touched my socks. That, along with unnamed happiness, warmed me. I walked out to my daily destination, the corner table in Starbucks. With the touch of winter cold air and with the warm brace of sun light, I felt like a person on a mission: Just finish this f&^*& dissertation and move on.
In fact, my dissertation went well. After that one day when I was ahead of schedule, I wasted some time and now I was half day behind the schedule. But it is all right. Life is a process of chasing deadlines, and the best mode is when you always chase and never catch. Plan to meet my advisor tomorrow to report what's going on. Pretty sweet.
Right now, in front of me were two Chinese graduate students talking. They probably did not realize that I can understand their conversation. And I pretend to have my earplugs on. Nice
Camouflage!
They are talking about what "pursue a girl" means. It is an interesting topic, but their conversation made it more fun. They were talking at a abstract level, almost like two philosophers debating. No real life examples so far. Then one guy said in English, "Next quarter I am going to date a couple of girls." For some reasons, I feel it very funny.
These two guys are interesting. One kept throwing out silly topics to keep the conversation going. I guess this silly conversation is at least better than the book he planned to finish tonight. The other guy pretended to be the wiser person between the two, answering all the silly questions with all the sincerity in the world. Even funnier is that he likes very much to throw out English here and there.
Oh, they are talking about their glory days in high school now. The wise guy told a heroic story about how he battled his addiction of video game in high school. Then he claimed that he could finish the sample national college examination in math (or physics, I do not remember) in 40 minutes, and get the full score. Holy shit. As much as I want to believe genius, I just do not believe this guy, the guy who want to "date a couple of girls" next quarter.
On the other hand, I found an eerie resemblance with this guy. I also like to put down things on the schedule and then strive for it. I like to dramatize my past, as if that way, my life could escape its inherent insignificance. I like to act to be know-it-all too. Maybe other people see me just the way as I see that guy. That is the most scary thought I have had for a while.
This morning I surely got up early. Watched more Sutton Foster musical clips on youtube and joined a facebook group called "I wish one day I was SUTTON FOSTER". I am not surprised that she had a strong following on college campus.
I finished my breakfast, and began to do so morning readings (I am reading Bee Season, babe!), which I hadn't done for a while. The sun just rose. Since it was low on the horizon, it spit some lights through my windows and touched my socks. That, along with unnamed happiness, warmed me. I walked out to my daily destination, the corner table in Starbucks. With the touch of winter cold air and with the warm brace of sun light, I felt like a person on a mission: Just finish this f&^*& dissertation and move on.
In fact, my dissertation went well. After that one day when I was ahead of schedule, I wasted some time and now I was half day behind the schedule. But it is all right. Life is a process of chasing deadlines, and the best mode is when you always chase and never catch. Plan to meet my advisor tomorrow to report what's going on. Pretty sweet.
Right now, in front of me were two Chinese graduate students talking. They probably did not realize that I can understand their conversation. And I pretend to have my earplugs on. Nice
Camouflage!
They are talking about what "pursue a girl" means. It is an interesting topic, but their conversation made it more fun. They were talking at a abstract level, almost like two philosophers debating. No real life examples so far. Then one guy said in English, "Next quarter I am going to date a couple of girls." For some reasons, I feel it very funny.
These two guys are interesting. One kept throwing out silly topics to keep the conversation going. I guess this silly conversation is at least better than the book he planned to finish tonight. The other guy pretended to be the wiser person between the two, answering all the silly questions with all the sincerity in the world. Even funnier is that he likes very much to throw out English here and there.
Oh, they are talking about their glory days in high school now. The wise guy told a heroic story about how he battled his addiction of video game in high school. Then he claimed that he could finish the sample national college examination in math (or physics, I do not remember) in 40 minutes, and get the full score. Holy shit. As much as I want to believe genius, I just do not believe this guy, the guy who want to "date a couple of girls" next quarter.
On the other hand, I found an eerie resemblance with this guy. I also like to put down things on the schedule and then strive for it. I like to dramatize my past, as if that way, my life could escape its inherent insignificance. I like to act to be know-it-all too. Maybe other people see me just the way as I see that guy. That is the most scary thought I have had for a while.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Social Inequality
I think I ran out of topic to discuss about. Okey, just kidding. I think I am a rather opinionated person, so I always have my two cents on almost everything. Not surprisingly, I think I am correct and insightful most of the time. So what’s the lecture today, you might ask.
Well, settle down, kids. Today is about social inequality (It is good to get all the heavy topic down so that I do not need to worry about it in the future). Why social inequality? Well, remember that I am writing my dissertation these days? My damn dissertation happens to be about inequality in China. All the elite families seemed to monopolize the educational and occupational opportunities, leaving very little to have-not families. "Oh, how horrible is that!" "Socialist system is horrible." blah, blah, blah…. I, for one, always firmly defended China, because if everyone looked at their own backyard carefully, they could dig up so much dirt underneath. China's system is not good, but so are other systems.
I am always surprised by people's ignorance about history or reality. I guess it is human nature to learn things to make them feel good or superior. To me, China's history book about the Cultural Revolution is a joke, but the history of American's Constitution, Civil War, Adventures of Columbus? Are you kidding me that's how it happened? It only made me feel soon enough we will have a revisionist history about War against Terror. Taking about brainwash. Gerald Ford just died, but how many people knew that he and Kissinger permitted Indonisia's invasion of East Timor, which killed 1/3 of the population on the island? In comparison, Saddam Hossein is not so bad after all. Now Ford had this honorable national funeral, and Saddam will be hanged in 30 days. And then what about 9/11 terrorists? How many people they killed?
Winners always write history. The more you know what really happened, you began to be a cynic. Social inequality happened peacefully, but it still counted as an act of violence (Remember the Weatherman Underground Movement?). I just takes some hard learning to discover it, not like religion, very democratic for its easy accessibility and very stupid for the underclass to think their life is a suffering with a higher purpose. People died every day without knowing who was the perpetrator, but then those high-class people worried more about the rights of an unborn baby or a dog puppy (My biggest laughing material is all the money, media attention and sympathy towards Barbaro the racing horse. Come on, people, tell me it is not serious. It is only a horse!).
All the complaints aside, however, I am not the savior for the world. What I am planning to do is to get ahead to be an elite myself. That will make sure nobody can step on me, and my best hope is that I will do my best not to step on somebody else. That's the biggest irony of all.
Well, settle down, kids. Today is about social inequality (It is good to get all the heavy topic down so that I do not need to worry about it in the future). Why social inequality? Well, remember that I am writing my dissertation these days? My damn dissertation happens to be about inequality in China. All the elite families seemed to monopolize the educational and occupational opportunities, leaving very little to have-not families. "Oh, how horrible is that!" "Socialist system is horrible." blah, blah, blah…. I, for one, always firmly defended China, because if everyone looked at their own backyard carefully, they could dig up so much dirt underneath. China's system is not good, but so are other systems.
I am always surprised by people's ignorance about history or reality. I guess it is human nature to learn things to make them feel good or superior. To me, China's history book about the Cultural Revolution is a joke, but the history of American's Constitution, Civil War, Adventures of Columbus? Are you kidding me that's how it happened? It only made me feel soon enough we will have a revisionist history about War against Terror. Taking about brainwash. Gerald Ford just died, but how many people knew that he and Kissinger permitted Indonisia's invasion of East Timor, which killed 1/3 of the population on the island? In comparison, Saddam Hossein is not so bad after all. Now Ford had this honorable national funeral, and Saddam will be hanged in 30 days. And then what about 9/11 terrorists? How many people they killed?
Winners always write history. The more you know what really happened, you began to be a cynic. Social inequality happened peacefully, but it still counted as an act of violence (Remember the Weatherman Underground Movement?). I just takes some hard learning to discover it, not like religion, very democratic for its easy accessibility and very stupid for the underclass to think their life is a suffering with a higher purpose. People died every day without knowing who was the perpetrator, but then those high-class people worried more about the rights of an unborn baby or a dog puppy (My biggest laughing material is all the money, media attention and sympathy towards Barbaro the racing horse. Come on, people, tell me it is not serious. It is only a horse!).
All the complaints aside, however, I am not the savior for the world. What I am planning to do is to get ahead to be an elite myself. That will make sure nobody can step on me, and my best hope is that I will do my best not to step on somebody else. That's the biggest irony of all.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Racism
Okay, this blog is not supposed to give sociological lectures, but here you go. Racism never bothers me too much, as I am a firm believer of individual hard work. The belief goes: Even if there is racism, if you work hard, you can still get on top. Maybe a little more work here and there, but so what?
Well, I was recently listening to a lot of podcast. When I eat, cook or walk. One good one is "This American Life" by NPR, and a story of a Muslim family really touched me. Racism is a strange thing. If you think it does not exist, then it does not exist, because you can explain away everything with a non-racism explanation. But if you believe it is there, then it is everywhere wherever you look. Now here is the tricky part: when you do so, you yourself become a racist because you look at everything through a lens of race. See, you cannot win!
That's not bad, though, considering I am a racist myself. I did the "implicit" test, and got a "mildly racial bias" result. I used stereotypes all the time, because it was a shortcut to add certainty into chaotic life. The other day I was flipping a high-class magazine or checking out a luxury ski resort website, and you bet that all the smiling faces were white. Well, I would be hypocritical if I wanted to judge them, because I also think whites, male or female, are more attractive and classy than blacks and asians, or whatever. I speak more confidently in front of asians than in front of whites, as if I unconsciously surrender my confidence to a more superior race. I also tend to think Chinese are very racist, although I think I am better than the rest.
That's how racism persists. If you are for it, you are a bastard, but if you are against it, you are a hypocrite, because you have been tainted on the way you get to know racism. So there is no point to pick a side between "for" or "against". Really, I am not personally for or against racism. I think biologically we are wired to be discriminative against something that looks different, and we should live with some versions of it just like we live with the rule of gravity (Of course, in an evolutionary point of view, I hope, rather hopelessly, that it is going away over generations). But people, please just admit it. And I damn you if you self-righteously claim you are color-blind.
Indeed, I have profitted from American racism. Remember the mid-term election? Our department had this prediction pool. Everyone contributed 5 dollars and the winner took all. Initially I picked all democrats on swing states. Then the infamous Harold Ford ad came out (The one that subliminally suggested that black mens are after white daughters). I was like "shit", and changed that one to a red state. Boy, was I correct! Ford lost by a wide margin.
Well, I was recently listening to a lot of podcast. When I eat, cook or walk. One good one is "This American Life" by NPR, and a story of a Muslim family really touched me. Racism is a strange thing. If you think it does not exist, then it does not exist, because you can explain away everything with a non-racism explanation. But if you believe it is there, then it is everywhere wherever you look. Now here is the tricky part: when you do so, you yourself become a racist because you look at everything through a lens of race. See, you cannot win!
That's not bad, though, considering I am a racist myself. I did the "implicit" test, and got a "mildly racial bias" result. I used stereotypes all the time, because it was a shortcut to add certainty into chaotic life. The other day I was flipping a high-class magazine or checking out a luxury ski resort website, and you bet that all the smiling faces were white. Well, I would be hypocritical if I wanted to judge them, because I also think whites, male or female, are more attractive and classy than blacks and asians, or whatever. I speak more confidently in front of asians than in front of whites, as if I unconsciously surrender my confidence to a more superior race. I also tend to think Chinese are very racist, although I think I am better than the rest.
That's how racism persists. If you are for it, you are a bastard, but if you are against it, you are a hypocrite, because you have been tainted on the way you get to know racism. So there is no point to pick a side between "for" or "against". Really, I am not personally for or against racism. I think biologically we are wired to be discriminative against something that looks different, and we should live with some versions of it just like we live with the rule of gravity (Of course, in an evolutionary point of view, I hope, rather hopelessly, that it is going away over generations). But people, please just admit it. And I damn you if you self-righteously claim you are color-blind.
Indeed, I have profitted from American racism. Remember the mid-term election? Our department had this prediction pool. Everyone contributed 5 dollars and the winner took all. Initially I picked all democrats on swing states. Then the infamous Harold Ford ad came out (The one that subliminally suggested that black mens are after white daughters). I was like "shit", and changed that one to a red state. Boy, was I correct! Ford lost by a wide margin.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Sutton Foster
I was flipping through youtube for broadway musical videos, to kill some time on Christmas day. I found a broadway darling: Sutton Foster. She impresses me quite a bit. Her "little women" rehearsal clip is brilliant. I also spent some time online trying to find out her bio. Her upbringing was relatively humble and got into broadway almost by accident. A true star indeed. Oh, by the way, she looks like Angela Chase (Claire Danes), my favorite TV character, in the tv series My So-Called Life. I wish I can see Sutton Foster live on Broadway some day. I am a big fan now.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Christmas eve
I was in my host family's place tonight. It was pretty fun, as I get to talk to a lot of people. These days I do not have too many social events, so this one is good for my mental health. Besides, I get a whole Fondue set (plus chocolate and strawberry) as gift, and I give them a CD of Les Miserable. I guess that's when you call it a fair trade.
Just like in previous years, we talked around the neighborhood and sang Christmas Carols to strangers. Kids all had wide eyes when they saw Ed in Santa Clause's dress. I had the leash with dog, which also had a stupid Santa hat and beard. I think she hated it a lot.
I can be pretty charming in conversations. I usually do not take risks in initiating a new topic, but I can ride on an old topic almost forever. I think I have a lot of knowledge of everything (Thanks, TIME magazine and a variety of lectures). Sometimes I intentionally put up smart but probably psuedo-scientific explanations of things, but never insist upon them. Always seem to be energetic and positive, interesting and interested. The fun thing is, however, that I always regard this as a public performance. That's why I always did well in job interviews, but my personal life sucked.
Merry Christmas.
Just like in previous years, we talked around the neighborhood and sang Christmas Carols to strangers. Kids all had wide eyes when they saw Ed in Santa Clause's dress. I had the leash with dog, which also had a stupid Santa hat and beard. I think she hated it a lot.
I can be pretty charming in conversations. I usually do not take risks in initiating a new topic, but I can ride on an old topic almost forever. I think I have a lot of knowledge of everything (Thanks, TIME magazine and a variety of lectures). Sometimes I intentionally put up smart but probably psuedo-scientific explanations of things, but never insist upon them. Always seem to be energetic and positive, interesting and interested. The fun thing is, however, that I always regard this as a public performance. That's why I always did well in job interviews, but my personal life sucked.
Merry Christmas.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Ahead of my plan
Hehe, I am a little ahead of my writing plan, so I deserve a moment of reflection. I have tried to get back to running, so I ran in the past three days, a little under 2 miles a day. I can finish it in three Enimen songs: "Like toy soldiers", "lose yourself", and "8 mile". It was accidentally arranged that way so the tempo is faster one after another. So in the end I was almost sprinting back to my apartment. On campus there is almost nobody, so I barely see any other runners.
Tomorrow is Christmas eve, so let me talk about holidays. Why holiday? I always have this conspiracy theory that all holidays are a combination of scams. For example, hollaween is pushed by candy industry and pumpkin farmers, vanlentine's is advocated by chocolate factories, Chinese new year is backed by all the firework shops, and Christmas, of course, is the grandest scam of all. Christmas, according to my alternative history, is promoted by all the people who want to feel good about themselves. So that stringy person can feel good because they at least give gift once a year, rich hypocrites feel good because they care about homeless people once a year, old pediphile feel good because they got dressed up like kind men to hug the kids, kids feel good because they got gifts, bosses feel good because they gave employees days off. Employees feel good because they feel they cheated the system by getting paid without working, malls feel good because they made half of the sales in the end of the year, trees feel good because they got chop down to light up the human world, credit cards feel good because they got wiped more often, Santa Clause feels good because he gets a chance to travel out of freaking cold north pole and climb some chimneys, Nutcrackers feel good because good dancers play them in theater.....
All the forces, human and non-human, seem to conspire together to make this holiday happen. It in turns makes me feel good because I get a chance to attend a free dinner tomorrow as well as write this stupid blog.
Tomorrow is Christmas eve, so let me talk about holidays. Why holiday? I always have this conspiracy theory that all holidays are a combination of scams. For example, hollaween is pushed by candy industry and pumpkin farmers, vanlentine's is advocated by chocolate factories, Chinese new year is backed by all the firework shops, and Christmas, of course, is the grandest scam of all. Christmas, according to my alternative history, is promoted by all the people who want to feel good about themselves. So that stringy person can feel good because they at least give gift once a year, rich hypocrites feel good because they care about homeless people once a year, old pediphile feel good because they got dressed up like kind men to hug the kids, kids feel good because they got gifts, bosses feel good because they gave employees days off. Employees feel good because they feel they cheated the system by getting paid without working, malls feel good because they made half of the sales in the end of the year, trees feel good because they got chop down to light up the human world, credit cards feel good because they got wiped more often, Santa Clause feels good because he gets a chance to travel out of freaking cold north pole and climb some chimneys, Nutcrackers feel good because good dancers play them in theater.....
All the forces, human and non-human, seem to conspire together to make this holiday happen. It in turns makes me feel good because I get a chance to attend a free dinner tomorrow as well as write this stupid blog.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Advisor
Sometimes I wonder whether writing this blog is beneficial for my dissertation. On one hand, it definitely takes time away from my real work. On the other hand, writing craps build up my confidence in writing, thus subversively speeding up my dissertation progress. One of the reasoning has to be false, I guess, but I am too nice to figure out which is which.
Just as I am writing now, I get the news that my advisor and his wife have decided to stay rather than leaving for an ivy league university in the east coast. I am happy about it, but really think about, for what reason? Nothing. I guess since I had such a good time here, I assume that it is a better place for everyone. Whatever. Do you know I am a big fan of my advisor? If not, now you know. I always look up to him. Last June in my blurb on the graduation program, I wrote, "Thanks my advisor, who has taught me that a great scholar is first and foremost a great person." I really meant it, just like how I meant it in every entry of this blog. That's why leaving academia seems to be a shameful decision for me, and I hope that would not hurt his enthusiasm in advising future students. Hey, what if I can make a name in industry?
I have liked to reflect on my life. In my high school, it was that Chinese teacher who inspired my love of literature. In college, it was that drama teacher who opened my eyes to performing arts and human free spirits. In my graduate school? Maybe it is still too early for a summary, but my advisor definitely stands as a tall figure in my path. He gives me so much space to improvise on my own, but he is always there whenever I need an exemplary model to imitate in order to do good. One month before my work life, can I write enough to express how thankful I am to be one of his students?
Just as I am writing now, I get the news that my advisor and his wife have decided to stay rather than leaving for an ivy league university in the east coast. I am happy about it, but really think about, for what reason? Nothing. I guess since I had such a good time here, I assume that it is a better place for everyone. Whatever. Do you know I am a big fan of my advisor? If not, now you know. I always look up to him. Last June in my blurb on the graduation program, I wrote, "Thanks my advisor, who has taught me that a great scholar is first and foremost a great person." I really meant it, just like how I meant it in every entry of this blog. That's why leaving academia seems to be a shameful decision for me, and I hope that would not hurt his enthusiasm in advising future students. Hey, what if I can make a name in industry?
I have liked to reflect on my life. In my high school, it was that Chinese teacher who inspired my love of literature. In college, it was that drama teacher who opened my eyes to performing arts and human free spirits. In my graduate school? Maybe it is still too early for a summary, but my advisor definitely stands as a tall figure in my path. He gives me so much space to improvise on my own, but he is always there whenever I need an exemplary model to imitate in order to do good. One month before my work life, can I write enough to express how thankful I am to be one of his students?
my bday
Okey, the title might read like "my baby", but it is actually my birthday. Did the visual trick you? Well, obviously not, because my readers are too smart for that. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder.
Yesterday was my birthday. It was quite fun. We watched Nutcracker and then went shopping for a while. For a while desperately looked for ice-cream in vain. Missed some trains so stuck in a Millbrae coffee shop playing scrabbles. In comparison, Nutcracker is nothing, as those unplanned adventures were the highlights of the day.
Now I am back in Starbucks. Man, how many times I have mentioned Starbucks in my blog?! If someone tries to google starbucks, my blog will probably come on the first page. Maybe I should just buy some starbucks stocks, just in case my blog became famous in the near future. Anyway, I am almost down revising another paper, and tonight I will really begin to revise the dissertation.
Oh, the last harry potter book is "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". Remember I made some predictions in this blog earlier? I will see how many of my predictions are actually true.
Yesterday was my birthday. It was quite fun. We watched Nutcracker and then went shopping for a while. For a while desperately looked for ice-cream in vain. Missed some trains so stuck in a Millbrae coffee shop playing scrabbles. In comparison, Nutcracker is nothing, as those unplanned adventures were the highlights of the day.
Now I am back in Starbucks. Man, how many times I have mentioned Starbucks in my blog?! If someone tries to google starbucks, my blog will probably come on the first page. Maybe I should just buy some starbucks stocks, just in case my blog became famous in the near future. Anyway, I am almost down revising another paper, and tonight I will really begin to revise the dissertation.
Oh, the last harry potter book is "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". Remember I made some predictions in this blog earlier? I will see how many of my predictions are actually true.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Love these two musicals
These days when I am working on my diss… (Let's say it is You-Know-Who for fear of a heart attack. For those of you who get it, congratulation on your knowledge of children lit), I just let my ipod play. When I got totally absorbed, I usually realize the music is on after the albums have been played twice already. That's why these days I cannot get two musicals out of my mind: Aspects of Love and Les Miserables. The silly "do you hear the people sing" almost causes me some sleeping problem last night.
Let me name a couple of my favorite songs:
Aspects of Love: Love changes everything, At the stage door, George's House at Pau, Seeing is believing, She will be better off with you. (The story plot of this musical is so complicated. So wonder it was a success in London and a flop in Broadway!)
Les Miserable: I dreamed a dream (My favorite!), Who am I?, Master of the house, Little people, do you hear the people sing, On my own (Remmeber Katie Holmes in Dawson's Creek singing this song?), Castle on a cloud. (After study the musical plot, I realized that I actually read the novel by Victor Hugo before. The music just made the story much better).
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!
Let me name a couple of my favorite songs:
Aspects of Love: Love changes everything, At the stage door, George's House at Pau, Seeing is believing, She will be better off with you. (The story plot of this musical is so complicated. So wonder it was a success in London and a flop in Broadway!)
Les Miserable: I dreamed a dream (My favorite!), Who am I?, Master of the house, Little people, do you hear the people sing, On my own (Remmeber Katie Holmes in Dawson's Creek singing this song?), Castle on a cloud. (After study the musical plot, I realized that I actually read the novel by Victor Hugo before. The music just made the story much better).
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Just follow up
Hi, just want to follow up on the previous entry. I hate the thought of working on my papers and dissertation. But when I sit down like a nerd, choosing between two words or trying to find a perfect metapher, I actually like the process of writing. I only hope that one day I will enjoy writing academic stuff as much as I write craps on this blog. Oh, crap, it is time to go home. The dude just announced that "the Starbucks will be closed in ten minutes." Bye for now.
Day II at Starbucks
To be honest, I actually enjoyed my solitary time at Starbucks writing my paper. It is as if that I am doing something important that really matters. You know, sometimes you just come to the terms with yourself to enjoy the best thing you can find for
now. I wrote the following this morning while I procrastinated from writing my paper. I made some minor revisions.
There is a couple next to me in Starbucks now. I found the lady extremely attractive. Let me analyze why (so that I can waste more time). Fist of all, she had this great voice. The voice was soft but asserting. Somehow, it was almost like singing. The voice does not have angles. It is smooth and curved. It is like a Jackson Pollack painting: The curves bounced off from each other and from the edge of canvass. Soon enough, you just got lost in the maze from the echos of the voice.
Her hair curved artificially, but not in a way that involved a lot of work. I do not think she wore a lot of make-up, which was quite refreshing. She shone with an aura of confidence. Her face was sculpture-like, and the only soft part on the face was probably her eyes, which shines a light of kindness. The skin is smooth and definitely well-toned. Probably an athlete in her high school year or college year (she is definitely college educated, I swear). She smiled a lot. Her eyes were actually not big, so smiling makes two perfect crescents.
She was not very young. She is at least 30 years old. My intuition is that she is a mother. That could explain why I immidiately felt she is nice and kind (Who can reject the notion that mother is not nice and kind?).
I do not sure the point of this blog. But since I wrote it, let me publish it.
now. I wrote the following this morning while I procrastinated from writing my paper. I made some minor revisions.
There is a couple next to me in Starbucks now. I found the lady extremely attractive. Let me analyze why (so that I can waste more time). Fist of all, she had this great voice. The voice was soft but asserting. Somehow, it was almost like singing. The voice does not have angles. It is smooth and curved. It is like a Jackson Pollack painting: The curves bounced off from each other and from the edge of canvass. Soon enough, you just got lost in the maze from the echos of the voice.
Her hair curved artificially, but not in a way that involved a lot of work. I do not think she wore a lot of make-up, which was quite refreshing. She shone with an aura of confidence. Her face was sculpture-like, and the only soft part on the face was probably her eyes, which shines a light of kindness. The skin is smooth and definitely well-toned. Probably an athlete in her high school year or college year (she is definitely college educated, I swear). She smiled a lot. Her eyes were actually not big, so smiling makes two perfect crescents.
She was not very young. She is at least 30 years old. My intuition is that she is a mother. That could explain why I immidiately felt she is nice and kind (Who can reject the notion that mother is not nice and kind?).
I do not sure the point of this blog. But since I wrote it, let me publish it.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Back to my bitching mode
Okey, since I need to finish off my dissertation soon, I have to work very hard at Starbucks this Winter break. This actually gives me more opportunities to write my blogs. The random writing serves to relieve my nerves and distract me from the real work. Of course, I will be bitching about the hard work ahead. You know, bitching is always bittersweet, both at the moment of writing and at the moment of later reading.
I went out for a grocery shopping today. My co-op closed over the winter break, so I need to find food myself. I went to a Chinese food store. I got very excited and got a bunch of my favorite food. For dinner, I cooked rice, half a fish and some vegetable. It went well, but it also made me to be nostalgic. I like these dishes because they gave me a comfort derived from familiarity. I used to eat them a lot when I was a kid because Niangniang cooked them all the time. But I do not feel I liked them tonight. The cat fish even made me a little sick. Because when I was eating it, I all of a sudden felt so lonely, so lonely. It was like an invisible hand that grabbed my heart mercilessly. I turned to a bottle of yogurt to fill my still half-empty stomach.
Well, I have been making all the choices myself ever since I discovered my own decision-making ability around high school time. Since then I have never relinguished this power to anyone else. Good decisions or bad decisions I do not care, as I am determined not to regret any decisions. Now at 29 years old and still as lonely as a solitary cat fish, am I in some sort of trouble? My best time might has passed, or it is still to come in the future, I do not know. What I do know is that I do not want to entertain the thought that I will be stuck in the current state for quite a long time. But rationally, I think I probably will. So if thinking about it is more depressing that writing the dissertation, why not go back to the writing?
I went out for a grocery shopping today. My co-op closed over the winter break, so I need to find food myself. I went to a Chinese food store. I got very excited and got a bunch of my favorite food. For dinner, I cooked rice, half a fish and some vegetable. It went well, but it also made me to be nostalgic. I like these dishes because they gave me a comfort derived from familiarity. I used to eat them a lot when I was a kid because Niangniang cooked them all the time. But I do not feel I liked them tonight. The cat fish even made me a little sick. Because when I was eating it, I all of a sudden felt so lonely, so lonely. It was like an invisible hand that grabbed my heart mercilessly. I turned to a bottle of yogurt to fill my still half-empty stomach.
Well, I have been making all the choices myself ever since I discovered my own decision-making ability around high school time. Since then I have never relinguished this power to anyone else. Good decisions or bad decisions I do not care, as I am determined not to regret any decisions. Now at 29 years old and still as lonely as a solitary cat fish, am I in some sort of trouble? My best time might has passed, or it is still to come in the future, I do not know. What I do know is that I do not want to entertain the thought that I will be stuck in the current state for quite a long time. But rationally, I think I probably will. So if thinking about it is more depressing that writing the dissertation, why not go back to the writing?
Saturday, November 25, 2006
My friend (Yuphen) (Part III)
Let me finish it off today. I have been delaying and delaying this post for no reason. Right now I am very tired, but I am determined to not go to sleep until 10pm (to get over the jet lag). So let me just write a little bit.
Every time I travelled back home, I would be touched by people and events. Besides, I had time to think, to reflect, to self-analyze, not like when I am in states where everything is in fast tempo and I tried to convince myself not to overthinking. Some people might call it inspiration. I tend not to think that way.
Yuphen and I began to fight over small things soon after our best time. I still did not figure out why. It was as if both of us wanted the relationship to be somewhat dramatic so that we refused the life's inherited mediocrity. Fighting seemed to spice things up, getting both of us emotionally attached, happy and sorrow, like roller-coaster. What can beat the sweetness of make-up after a big fight?
However, at least for me, the fightings were chipping away the foundation of our relationship. I got very exhausted. I expected relationship to be epically exciting, but soon I realized it was too much for me. Besides, my self-insecurity got the best of me.
I all along knew Yuphen was almost as tall as me. One day I was sorting through party membership application or something and found Yuphen's application. It turned out that she was 4-5 cm taller than me. I did not feel that when we walked together, but in retrospect, she probably wore flat-shoes and slumped her back, as she liked to do. It was a big deal for me then, because all of a sudden I felt I lost the relationship already. I was quite depressed. You know I used to have this habit: when I stressed out, I would write trash on a piece of scrap paper. Yuphen happened to see some of them (as a young couple in love, we shared almost anything). So I confessed. I think she understood me, but she did not think that was a big deal. I, as silly as I was, began to exercise jumps, because urban legend has it that jumping makes a taller person. Accidentally, my physical fitness started from there. I am still a very good jumper in my beloved modern dance. Even when I jog, I tend to jump quite high, not because it is efficient, but just because I can.
That was a small incident, but you can see that my immaturity and self-doubt isn't made for a stable relationship. And finally, we seemed to run out of topics. As all the small jokes and smart talks ran out, we (at least I) realized that the relationship did not really have a good foundation to begin with. I admired her for her elegance, for her hard-working, for her kindness, and she probably like some of my traits. But is that enough? I did not think so then. For a while, I was very annoyed by her obsessiveness, as if it reminded me my worst time with my parents and my Niangniang. My longing for freedom just could not take a back seat, and I thought that might be enough.
The turning point was really around summer, as I realized that I did not think of her as much as the past winter when I was pursuing her liek crasy. Five of my friends visited Beijing with me, and Yuphen and us hanged out a little bit. Our relationship recovered a bit, because now we had a new set of common friends, which meaned some new topics. But it did not last long. On September, I told her I wanted to break up with her. Three days later, I registered for GRE, and the rest is history.
I think the breaking-up was a big shock for her. Since I was quite an introvert person, she probably did not see any signs of its coming. It probably hurt her more than it did to me. But to be honest, it also deeply cut into my self-righteousness. For a while, I had doubt whether I was a good person. That year, when I watched the movie "Saving Private Ryan", when Tom Hanks' charactor stood in front of tombs and asked, "Am I a good person?" my tears were almost non-stoppable in the darkness. I think I related to the movie in a really strange way: when either option is bad, does choosing the more intuitive way makes you a bad person? Since that day, whenever I do something, I have never escaped from asking myself, "Am I a good person?" This question is especially troublesome when I realize what's best for me is not necessarily best for my family. Usually I will just do whatever is best for me, always leaving me with this moral burden to carry.
After the break-up, we promised to still remain friends. But it was harder than we hoped. Today, 8 years after, me still single, she just married. I think we are friends now. Coincidentally, when I peeked at her blog written a couple of days ago, she had a similar sentence "Yes! We are friends!" Just to make it even, I hope she would also some day read this blog of mine. This is my side of story, and I hope very much it is fair for her too.
Of course, I cannot do a full disclosure of the complete chronicles. Some of the events are too small, some of the events are silly and some of them are even embarrassing for me or for her. Just in case Yuphen will be reading this blog, however, I want to make an appointment with her. Some day we should share both sides of the story as much as possible, because I still have some silly things to tell. They are so silly that you will have to laugh at, have to puzzle over, and have to admire what a beautiful thing the young love is.
Every time I travelled back home, I would be touched by people and events. Besides, I had time to think, to reflect, to self-analyze, not like when I am in states where everything is in fast tempo and I tried to convince myself not to overthinking. Some people might call it inspiration. I tend not to think that way.
Yuphen and I began to fight over small things soon after our best time. I still did not figure out why. It was as if both of us wanted the relationship to be somewhat dramatic so that we refused the life's inherited mediocrity. Fighting seemed to spice things up, getting both of us emotionally attached, happy and sorrow, like roller-coaster. What can beat the sweetness of make-up after a big fight?
However, at least for me, the fightings were chipping away the foundation of our relationship. I got very exhausted. I expected relationship to be epically exciting, but soon I realized it was too much for me. Besides, my self-insecurity got the best of me.
I all along knew Yuphen was almost as tall as me. One day I was sorting through party membership application or something and found Yuphen's application. It turned out that she was 4-5 cm taller than me. I did not feel that when we walked together, but in retrospect, she probably wore flat-shoes and slumped her back, as she liked to do. It was a big deal for me then, because all of a sudden I felt I lost the relationship already. I was quite depressed. You know I used to have this habit: when I stressed out, I would write trash on a piece of scrap paper. Yuphen happened to see some of them (as a young couple in love, we shared almost anything). So I confessed. I think she understood me, but she did not think that was a big deal. I, as silly as I was, began to exercise jumps, because urban legend has it that jumping makes a taller person. Accidentally, my physical fitness started from there. I am still a very good jumper in my beloved modern dance. Even when I jog, I tend to jump quite high, not because it is efficient, but just because I can.
That was a small incident, but you can see that my immaturity and self-doubt isn't made for a stable relationship. And finally, we seemed to run out of topics. As all the small jokes and smart talks ran out, we (at least I) realized that the relationship did not really have a good foundation to begin with. I admired her for her elegance, for her hard-working, for her kindness, and she probably like some of my traits. But is that enough? I did not think so then. For a while, I was very annoyed by her obsessiveness, as if it reminded me my worst time with my parents and my Niangniang. My longing for freedom just could not take a back seat, and I thought that might be enough.
The turning point was really around summer, as I realized that I did not think of her as much as the past winter when I was pursuing her liek crasy. Five of my friends visited Beijing with me, and Yuphen and us hanged out a little bit. Our relationship recovered a bit, because now we had a new set of common friends, which meaned some new topics. But it did not last long. On September, I told her I wanted to break up with her. Three days later, I registered for GRE, and the rest is history.
I think the breaking-up was a big shock for her. Since I was quite an introvert person, she probably did not see any signs of its coming. It probably hurt her more than it did to me. But to be honest, it also deeply cut into my self-righteousness. For a while, I had doubt whether I was a good person. That year, when I watched the movie "Saving Private Ryan", when Tom Hanks' charactor stood in front of tombs and asked, "Am I a good person?" my tears were almost non-stoppable in the darkness. I think I related to the movie in a really strange way: when either option is bad, does choosing the more intuitive way makes you a bad person? Since that day, whenever I do something, I have never escaped from asking myself, "Am I a good person?" This question is especially troublesome when I realize what's best for me is not necessarily best for my family. Usually I will just do whatever is best for me, always leaving me with this moral burden to carry.
After the break-up, we promised to still remain friends. But it was harder than we hoped. Today, 8 years after, me still single, she just married. I think we are friends now. Coincidentally, when I peeked at her blog written a couple of days ago, she had a similar sentence "Yes! We are friends!" Just to make it even, I hope she would also some day read this blog of mine. This is my side of story, and I hope very much it is fair for her too.
Of course, I cannot do a full disclosure of the complete chronicles. Some of the events are too small, some of the events are silly and some of them are even embarrassing for me or for her. Just in case Yuphen will be reading this blog, however, I want to make an appointment with her. Some day we should share both sides of the story as much as possible, because I still have some silly things to tell. They are so silly that you will have to laugh at, have to puzzle over, and have to admire what a beautiful thing the young love is.
My parents
I think I know my parents very little, because I did not live with them too much. I probably put most I knew in my previous blog entries about them already. However, the good thing is that I am knowing them more and more. As I gained the financial indepednence and called my own shots all the time, they began to let down their guard and allowed me to peek into their psychology. Also, as I understand human relationship better than before, they can barely escape my scrutiny. By the way, this blog is in no way to criticize or evaluate them. Rather, I try to describe who they are.
First of all, my parents like to save money. It made evolutionary sense, because the past always left traits on you, genetically or mentally. My parents used to be quite poor. After the reform, they were not able to take new economic opportunities and were further left behind. They just purchased an apartment with all their savings, so they felt even poorer. If I gave them some money, they would just save it, feeling happy and peaceful with the money in the bank. I sometimes felt bad for them, but well, the life style could not be changed over night. It actually took me a while to feel comfortable spending money beyond necessities. Like father, like son.
My parents are not good at parenting (according to US standards, of course). Now my sister has this daughter, and it kept my parents occupied. I think my parents must be very lonely before. The little girl really could cheer them up. However, my parents often like to yell at the girl, or do things against her will (I still remember that my dad used to like wipe my face with a hot towel after meal. I did not hate the hot towel, but I hated to allow other people to dictate my schedule and habits). My mom barely smiled at her (to be fair, after the stroke, my mom rarely smiled at all), and my dad was always impatient. When the little girl cried, my dad would tune himself out by murmuring words to himself, as if by talking to himself, the crying no longer bothered him. Fortunately, my brother-in-law is a great father, so the little girl actually is doing quite well. One day last week, my mom commented on my dad, "you are more patient to her than to Songhua before." My dad said, "yeah, that's because I was not retired that time." I said to myself silent, oh my god, I was lucky that I did not grew up with you two. Hey, no hard feeling.
I can tell my parents are getting older. My dad gained some weight, and my mom walked even slower. The new apartment is on the first floor, and it gave my mom a very hard time. I feel bad for that. My dad did not get the visa earlier this year, and that might be a downer for him. But overall, my going abroad worked out great for them. Hear me out, because I do not believe that is my self-rationalization. At least for my dad, now he had a lot of events to attend and also was learning English. He had a lot of "mianzi" because I am earning dollars. And some bastards who would otherwise never give a shit to a nobody like my dad now tried to maintain good relationship with him, just in case that their children need to go to the States and need me to take care of them a bit. For my mom, she would otherwise worried me so much if I was around (jobs, money, girfriend, marriage, children), but now she only need to worry maybe once a while, as her target son is so far away as if the worry no longer felt real any more.
My parents are very responsible and not very selfish at all. They take care of Niangniang very well (though sometimes they do not want to spend too much money). They have a great attitude towards life and death. I was surprised to hear that they can discuss their parents' death with great ease, as if they were talking about a TV pregram. it could be their emotional detachment, but it also could be that they tried to desensitize me with the topic so that a possible Niangniang passing away would not be a big blow to me. I would like to thank them if their intention is the latter.
As I know better, I try harder to keep them happy. For example, this time I made an effort to stay at home for meals as much as possible. That makes them happy. But overall, I viewed them as distant, and they viewed me as distant too. One night, they came in my room and asked about my new job. I was not very interested in talking about it, so I just kept doing my work and whatever. They ended up talking between themselves for twenty minutes and then left. I think I am a bad son.
Two final thoughts:
1. When I was in Shanghai yesterday, my friend tried to analyze my personality. I think he is right by saying that I have a combination of liberal individualism and moral self-righturousness (I summarized it with my own words). I think the individualism is because I grew up with my grandparents, but the morality, honesty, responsibleness are probably from my parents. If that is true, I really get the best of both worlds.
2. For some reasons, I really want to have a boy myself now. It is difficult to be a parent. I do not think my parents are good at parenting, but maybe I am just being hypocritical here. Though I do not know when I can prove it one way or another.
First of all, my parents like to save money. It made evolutionary sense, because the past always left traits on you, genetically or mentally. My parents used to be quite poor. After the reform, they were not able to take new economic opportunities and were further left behind. They just purchased an apartment with all their savings, so they felt even poorer. If I gave them some money, they would just save it, feeling happy and peaceful with the money in the bank. I sometimes felt bad for them, but well, the life style could not be changed over night. It actually took me a while to feel comfortable spending money beyond necessities. Like father, like son.
My parents are not good at parenting (according to US standards, of course). Now my sister has this daughter, and it kept my parents occupied. I think my parents must be very lonely before. The little girl really could cheer them up. However, my parents often like to yell at the girl, or do things against her will (I still remember that my dad used to like wipe my face with a hot towel after meal. I did not hate the hot towel, but I hated to allow other people to dictate my schedule and habits). My mom barely smiled at her (to be fair, after the stroke, my mom rarely smiled at all), and my dad was always impatient. When the little girl cried, my dad would tune himself out by murmuring words to himself, as if by talking to himself, the crying no longer bothered him. Fortunately, my brother-in-law is a great father, so the little girl actually is doing quite well. One day last week, my mom commented on my dad, "you are more patient to her than to Songhua before." My dad said, "yeah, that's because I was not retired that time." I said to myself silent, oh my god, I was lucky that I did not grew up with you two. Hey, no hard feeling.
I can tell my parents are getting older. My dad gained some weight, and my mom walked even slower. The new apartment is on the first floor, and it gave my mom a very hard time. I feel bad for that. My dad did not get the visa earlier this year, and that might be a downer for him. But overall, my going abroad worked out great for them. Hear me out, because I do not believe that is my self-rationalization. At least for my dad, now he had a lot of events to attend and also was learning English. He had a lot of "mianzi" because I am earning dollars. And some bastards who would otherwise never give a shit to a nobody like my dad now tried to maintain good relationship with him, just in case that their children need to go to the States and need me to take care of them a bit. For my mom, she would otherwise worried me so much if I was around (jobs, money, girfriend, marriage, children), but now she only need to worry maybe once a while, as her target son is so far away as if the worry no longer felt real any more.
My parents are very responsible and not very selfish at all. They take care of Niangniang very well (though sometimes they do not want to spend too much money). They have a great attitude towards life and death. I was surprised to hear that they can discuss their parents' death with great ease, as if they were talking about a TV pregram. it could be their emotional detachment, but it also could be that they tried to desensitize me with the topic so that a possible Niangniang passing away would not be a big blow to me. I would like to thank them if their intention is the latter.
As I know better, I try harder to keep them happy. For example, this time I made an effort to stay at home for meals as much as possible. That makes them happy. But overall, I viewed them as distant, and they viewed me as distant too. One night, they came in my room and asked about my new job. I was not very interested in talking about it, so I just kept doing my work and whatever. They ended up talking between themselves for twenty minutes and then left. I think I am a bad son.
Two final thoughts:
1. When I was in Shanghai yesterday, my friend tried to analyze my personality. I think he is right by saying that I have a combination of liberal individualism and moral self-righturousness (I summarized it with my own words). I think the individualism is because I grew up with my grandparents, but the morality, honesty, responsibleness are probably from my parents. If that is true, I really get the best of both worlds.
2. For some reasons, I really want to have a boy myself now. It is difficult to be a parent. I do not think my parents are good at parenting, but maybe I am just being hypocritical here. Though I do not know when I can prove it one way or another.
Niangniang (II)
The whole purpose of this trip was really to see Niangniang for the last time. Though I do not like to admit that to my family, as if saying that would make it real. Niangniang is in a bad shape. She does not have any serious disease, but the body of 86 years old is just like an old machine produce by a state-owned enterprise: once it began to break down, it usually was beyond repair.
Over fives days in my hometown, I went to see her 4 times in the nursing home. Her hair all grey. She had a hard time walking around. She was cold all the time. So skinny that her facial skin barely covered her skull. I had a hard time to holding back my tears. Just imagine that she used to be my greatest protector, but now she will sway in a breeze. But I did not cry. I do not know the reason, but I just did not want to cry in front of her.
I only cried in the darkness in bed during the night before my last visit to her. My mind was like a theatre and my past ran on the stage, every scene with my Niangniang in her younger age. Sometimes she went to the farmer's market for a day's dish, sometimes she help me to fend off school bullies, sometimes she game me money to buy comic books...... I think I got a little sick the second day: my throat felt like burning. Well, maybe it was not because of my cry (I took a run around the town the same night and then took a cold shower). But whatever. Hey, It is my blog, and I make causal connections.
Niangniang now have very bad memories. She will forget things she did a minute ago. I feel very sorry about it, because she has been very proud of her independence all along. Now this pride is eroding, and I can see her giving up to the fate. She knows that her memory is bad, and still struggle to get an up-hand. For example, she wrote a note of "take medicine". Before she has meal, she will ritually take a bowl with bottles of medicine and then cover them with the note. That way, after she finishes the meal, she will be notified that she needs to take the medicine. However, what if she memory goes further downhill so that she would forget the note itself? I feel the day is coming, and I hope my Niangniang will not suffer too much.
She can hardly read the clock any more. She will try to look at the watch, and count the number from one to twelve. If the time is around 11 or 12, she might get a chance to tell the time. Otherwise, she would try to count again, knowing that it is not around 11 or 12, but just cannot tell what time it is.
I also noticed that her watch looked familiar. It turned out that she old watch went bad, and my parents gave her my old watch, the watch that accompanied me throughout high school and college. It still worked fine on her wrist, except that her wrist is so skinny now that the watch hung like a big necklace from her wrist. Before I hopped on bus out of my hometown on Friday, I told my parents, "If my Niangniang passes away, please leave the watch for me, as a memory." I intentionally told them that one second before I checked into the bus station, so that they could not scrutinize my face for any signs of pessimism. I just hopped on the bus. I could not have any conversations about the topic of Niangniang passing away. Rationally, I know it is coming, but mentally, I am still in denial.
One day when I was in her place, I noticed that one type of her medicine ran out. I asked her whether she had supplies somewhere, she said yes, but could not find it. I told her that I would get some for her in the in-house pharmacy. She tried to stop me, but I insisted. She gave up easily (she would've struggled more before), as if the weakened body also diminished her determination. I took her card, and ready to get some medicine. All of a suddenly, I experienced the strongest urge of dropping tears. I quickly walked out and rushed to the pharmacy. My thoughts were all about my childhood, when was sick all the time, and it was Niangniang who always accompanied me. When I was checked into hospital for my bloody dump, my Niangniang literally lived in the hospital as well. When I broke my arm bones, Niangniang walked me all around the town in the middle of the night and eventually went to a doctor's home and waked her up to fix my arm. And now it was my turn to get medicine for her, just for one day, because I would be gone in a week...... I think I am very easy to feel guilty. I think I should, but Niangniang (also my parents, my sister, etc.) often thought I already did a lot for her. That's only add to my guilt, as if I am taking those cheap shots to filfill my moral ego, only leaving old folks at home to run for their own life.
In the morning of the last day, I needed to get some software for my old laptop that I left for my brother-in-law. Out of the store, I saw the famous cathlic church in my hometown. Though an athiest, I walked in. It was an okey church, but it had an ugly Juses sculpture in the front: Two angeles descented from the heaven, holding a crown to put on the head of Jesus. I do not know why, but I just thought it was silly. I was the only one in the church hall. I picked a front seat, sat down, held my hands together to touch my jaw, and said probably the first prayer of my whole life. It was about my family. Of course, nothing changed afterwords. No enlightment, so spiritual connections, just like what I expected. I told myself, "That's great. If I had've felt releaved, what a selfish bastard I am to use religion to serve my own well-being?!" However, there might be a slightest spark of thought that I do not want to write off here: If there is some advanced being who wants to go against all my disbelief and want to filfill my wishes, that's not bad as well. With that, I head to visit Niangniang for the last time.
I was afraid that I would eventually snap during my last visit, but to my surprise, I was extremely calm. I planned it all along. I got a nice blanket and some health products. I understood that, even though she might not need to want them, it is important to pile up stuff for her. If I understood correctly, nursing home was just like a kindergarden. Everyone had their territory and property. Although no one admits, they are comparing with each other all the time. I need to buy things just so she can brag about her "overseas grandson". That's few things she has now, and that's few things that I can do. I got there with my gifts, and she was quite receptive. She then compainted about a winter clothes, because she could not operate a zipper consistently. I told her that I would bring it back home so my mom could get a tailor to change it into buttoms. I asked her to take several pictures with her roommate and the nurse. I also shot some video of her without her notice. I guess that way I would also have her voice and movement. It was time to go. She insisted to walk me in the aisle. I stopped her in the end and hugged her. Her voice got cranky, and I held her hand, "good bye, and take care." Then I walked away. After she turned back, I walked back too, taking the last video shot of her back slowing walking away, stopped several times to take a breath, and finally disappeared into her little room. I felt this last shot was a little cruel. She did not know I was there, so she did not take out her best effort walking. In fact, she looked even older, her back slumped as if there was unbearable weight over her. That is a video shot that I doubt I would ever want to watch. I just want to keep it in my archive, because metaphorically, it is very important to me, because Niangniang soon will walk out of my life, just like she slowly walked out of the video frames.
That's almost all I want to say about Niangniang for now. However, please do not take away the point that she was a perfect grandma. No, she was not. She was sometimes overreaching into other people's business, liked gossiping, sometimes selfish (at least selfish for her loved ones), stubborn, did not get along well with other people, picky, etc. Not surprisingly, I shared very similar flaws with hers, as 18 years living together really molded my personality.
However, that's not the point. The point is: just like every kid knows, a gift does not need to be perfect in order to be a great gift. Niangniang is probably the greatest gift I have had so far in my life: it is a package of love and flaws, a combo of repressive experience and sweet memory, a lifetime of struggling with me and caring for me. It is a gift that I am almost too late to say "thank you" before I have to say "good bye"......
Over fives days in my hometown, I went to see her 4 times in the nursing home. Her hair all grey. She had a hard time walking around. She was cold all the time. So skinny that her facial skin barely covered her skull. I had a hard time to holding back my tears. Just imagine that she used to be my greatest protector, but now she will sway in a breeze. But I did not cry. I do not know the reason, but I just did not want to cry in front of her.
I only cried in the darkness in bed during the night before my last visit to her. My mind was like a theatre and my past ran on the stage, every scene with my Niangniang in her younger age. Sometimes she went to the farmer's market for a day's dish, sometimes she help me to fend off school bullies, sometimes she game me money to buy comic books...... I think I got a little sick the second day: my throat felt like burning. Well, maybe it was not because of my cry (I took a run around the town the same night and then took a cold shower). But whatever. Hey, It is my blog, and I make causal connections.
Niangniang now have very bad memories. She will forget things she did a minute ago. I feel very sorry about it, because she has been very proud of her independence all along. Now this pride is eroding, and I can see her giving up to the fate. She knows that her memory is bad, and still struggle to get an up-hand. For example, she wrote a note of "take medicine". Before she has meal, she will ritually take a bowl with bottles of medicine and then cover them with the note. That way, after she finishes the meal, she will be notified that she needs to take the medicine. However, what if she memory goes further downhill so that she would forget the note itself? I feel the day is coming, and I hope my Niangniang will not suffer too much.
She can hardly read the clock any more. She will try to look at the watch, and count the number from one to twelve. If the time is around 11 or 12, she might get a chance to tell the time. Otherwise, she would try to count again, knowing that it is not around 11 or 12, but just cannot tell what time it is.
I also noticed that her watch looked familiar. It turned out that she old watch went bad, and my parents gave her my old watch, the watch that accompanied me throughout high school and college. It still worked fine on her wrist, except that her wrist is so skinny now that the watch hung like a big necklace from her wrist. Before I hopped on bus out of my hometown on Friday, I told my parents, "If my Niangniang passes away, please leave the watch for me, as a memory." I intentionally told them that one second before I checked into the bus station, so that they could not scrutinize my face for any signs of pessimism. I just hopped on the bus. I could not have any conversations about the topic of Niangniang passing away. Rationally, I know it is coming, but mentally, I am still in denial.
One day when I was in her place, I noticed that one type of her medicine ran out. I asked her whether she had supplies somewhere, she said yes, but could not find it. I told her that I would get some for her in the in-house pharmacy. She tried to stop me, but I insisted. She gave up easily (she would've struggled more before), as if the weakened body also diminished her determination. I took her card, and ready to get some medicine. All of a suddenly, I experienced the strongest urge of dropping tears. I quickly walked out and rushed to the pharmacy. My thoughts were all about my childhood, when was sick all the time, and it was Niangniang who always accompanied me. When I was checked into hospital for my bloody dump, my Niangniang literally lived in the hospital as well. When I broke my arm bones, Niangniang walked me all around the town in the middle of the night and eventually went to a doctor's home and waked her up to fix my arm. And now it was my turn to get medicine for her, just for one day, because I would be gone in a week...... I think I am very easy to feel guilty. I think I should, but Niangniang (also my parents, my sister, etc.) often thought I already did a lot for her. That's only add to my guilt, as if I am taking those cheap shots to filfill my moral ego, only leaving old folks at home to run for their own life.
In the morning of the last day, I needed to get some software for my old laptop that I left for my brother-in-law. Out of the store, I saw the famous cathlic church in my hometown. Though an athiest, I walked in. It was an okey church, but it had an ugly Juses sculpture in the front: Two angeles descented from the heaven, holding a crown to put on the head of Jesus. I do not know why, but I just thought it was silly. I was the only one in the church hall. I picked a front seat, sat down, held my hands together to touch my jaw, and said probably the first prayer of my whole life. It was about my family. Of course, nothing changed afterwords. No enlightment, so spiritual connections, just like what I expected. I told myself, "That's great. If I had've felt releaved, what a selfish bastard I am to use religion to serve my own well-being?!" However, there might be a slightest spark of thought that I do not want to write off here: If there is some advanced being who wants to go against all my disbelief and want to filfill my wishes, that's not bad as well. With that, I head to visit Niangniang for the last time.
I was afraid that I would eventually snap during my last visit, but to my surprise, I was extremely calm. I planned it all along. I got a nice blanket and some health products. I understood that, even though she might not need to want them, it is important to pile up stuff for her. If I understood correctly, nursing home was just like a kindergarden. Everyone had their territory and property. Although no one admits, they are comparing with each other all the time. I need to buy things just so she can brag about her "overseas grandson". That's few things she has now, and that's few things that I can do. I got there with my gifts, and she was quite receptive. She then compainted about a winter clothes, because she could not operate a zipper consistently. I told her that I would bring it back home so my mom could get a tailor to change it into buttoms. I asked her to take several pictures with her roommate and the nurse. I also shot some video of her without her notice. I guess that way I would also have her voice and movement. It was time to go. She insisted to walk me in the aisle. I stopped her in the end and hugged her. Her voice got cranky, and I held her hand, "good bye, and take care." Then I walked away. After she turned back, I walked back too, taking the last video shot of her back slowing walking away, stopped several times to take a breath, and finally disappeared into her little room. I felt this last shot was a little cruel. She did not know I was there, so she did not take out her best effort walking. In fact, she looked even older, her back slumped as if there was unbearable weight over her. That is a video shot that I doubt I would ever want to watch. I just want to keep it in my archive, because metaphorically, it is very important to me, because Niangniang soon will walk out of my life, just like she slowly walked out of the video frames.
That's almost all I want to say about Niangniang for now. However, please do not take away the point that she was a perfect grandma. No, she was not. She was sometimes overreaching into other people's business, liked gossiping, sometimes selfish (at least selfish for her loved ones), stubborn, did not get along well with other people, picky, etc. Not surprisingly, I shared very similar flaws with hers, as 18 years living together really molded my personality.
However, that's not the point. The point is: just like every kid knows, a gift does not need to be perfect in order to be a great gift. Niangniang is probably the greatest gift I have had so far in my life: it is a package of love and flaws, a combo of repressive experience and sweet memory, a lifetime of struggling with me and caring for me. It is a gift that I am almost too late to say "thank you" before I have to say "good bye"......
I am back!
I came back from China this morning. Still felt a little jet-lagged, but I am going to hang on until 10pm tonight before I hit the sack. It was a great trip back home. I think I have a couple of great blog entries in my sleeves. The plan: 1. an entry about my Niangniang. 2) finish off the third part of my friend Yuphen. 3) my family. 4) Maybe a couple of my friends.
But before I go on, I want to acknowledge one of my recent readers. I used Google Analytics to keep track on the readership. Since this blog is all about full disclosure, I want to let you know that I know you are from Cambridge, MA and you are reading a lot in the past week. That's all I know. All I hope for is that my life sounds interesting in this blog to make your time worthwhile.
But before I go on, I want to acknowledge one of my recent readers. I used Google Analytics to keep track on the readership. Since this blog is all about full disclosure, I want to let you know that I know you are from Cambridge, MA and you are reading a lot in the past week. That's all I know. All I hope for is that my life sounds interesting in this blog to make your time worthwhile.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Heading to China
So I will leave for China in two days. I think I need to bring quite some work with me in this trip.
So I finally let the rat go. I put it in a plastic drawer. Had to change water and food at least once a day. It was too much work for me already. Bisides, it made my room smell pretty bad. So I put it in the backyard and let it go. I believe it have been the dinner of a wild cat already. The law of nature, I think.
I commute to SF once every week to consult with that company that sells dog accessary. It is not a bad job at all. They actually are willing to counter-offer me a job, probably with a base salary higher than the one I have got. I will not take it. Maybe one day I will regret if it becomes the microsoft of the dog world one day.
My teaching is almost winding down. I have one last lecture on Nov 27, and then I have student presentations in the last three sessions. It was a fun experience. However, I do feel that social science majors attract some lazy-ass students who regard a techie major too harsh a reality. Also there are some kiss-ups.
And finally, the election. My department has a game of election prediction. Amazingly, I picked the whole senate correctly and bet that democrats will take 230 house seats (right now, democrats have 230, and still 9 undecided). So I easily win the pool, a total of 25 dollars. I guess I know American politics pretty well, plus some damn luck.
So I finally let the rat go. I put it in a plastic drawer. Had to change water and food at least once a day. It was too much work for me already. Bisides, it made my room smell pretty bad. So I put it in the backyard and let it go. I believe it have been the dinner of a wild cat already. The law of nature, I think.
I commute to SF once every week to consult with that company that sells dog accessary. It is not a bad job at all. They actually are willing to counter-offer me a job, probably with a base salary higher than the one I have got. I will not take it. Maybe one day I will regret if it becomes the microsoft of the dog world one day.
My teaching is almost winding down. I have one last lecture on Nov 27, and then I have student presentations in the last three sessions. It was a fun experience. However, I do feel that social science majors attract some lazy-ass students who regard a techie major too harsh a reality. Also there are some kiss-ups.
And finally, the election. My department has a game of election prediction. Amazingly, I picked the whole senate correctly and bet that democrats will take 230 house seats (right now, democrats have 230, and still 9 undecided). So I easily win the pool, a total of 25 dollars. I guess I know American politics pretty well, plus some damn luck.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
A rat!
I found a rat in front of Green Library tonight. I caught it and now it was in my plastic drawer (My rationale is, if I do not get it, it will be eaten by a cat on a Halloween night anyway). I made my ipod box as its bed, some tree branches and landscaping wood as its toy, some water, some pretzel. I hope it will survive.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Iron man
Hi I am officially an iron man now. I still cannot imagine how some people can do it in one day. I finished it in 4 weeks. To really push it, I probably will be able to finish it in a week. But one day? No way! One reason is that running became harder for me. Now I weigh about 10 pounds more than last year. Those body weight makes quite a difference, as if you are running with a ten-pound dumbbell on the waist. On a second thought, I guess that is why I should keep running, to control my weight so that it would not crush myself into a couch potato.
I was in a bike trip with Julia, whom I know during the business summer program. She is very talkative and positive, so I enjoyed the ride with her. Then I went to the city with my best friend (Well, I forgot his psuedo name in my blog entry, so let me just call him the real name here) Victor. We went to a boring Africa America Disapora Musuem and then went to a Chinese restaurant. His son is also my best friend, and he calls me as "soma". I think that's because his home has a cat named "soma", so he took the short-cut. Victor's wife has a job in the city, cataloging some anthropological antique. She is one of the nicest woman I've ever met. She just took her GRE test yesterday. Because after Victor is done with her Ph.D., she is going to take on a Ph.D. degree as well. Their son will must have a hard time to match parental education in the future.
I need to go to bed now. I got up early this morning for the bike ride (6am). When I walked out of the apartment, what did I discover? The amazing morning smell! It's nature's breath that has not been contaminated. I think some how my memory is very much linked to my sense of smell. It brought back some memories about my past, although I do not exactly know what is the memory. I just loved the smell. I will hit the bed now, and try to get up early again.
I was in a bike trip with Julia, whom I know during the business summer program. She is very talkative and positive, so I enjoyed the ride with her. Then I went to the city with my best friend (Well, I forgot his psuedo name in my blog entry, so let me just call him the real name here) Victor. We went to a boring Africa America Disapora Musuem and then went to a Chinese restaurant. His son is also my best friend, and he calls me as "soma". I think that's because his home has a cat named "soma", so he took the short-cut. Victor's wife has a job in the city, cataloging some anthropological antique. She is one of the nicest woman I've ever met. She just took her GRE test yesterday. Because after Victor is done with her Ph.D., she is going to take on a Ph.D. degree as well. Their son will must have a hard time to match parental education in the future.
I need to go to bed now. I got up early this morning for the bike ride (6am). When I walked out of the apartment, what did I discover? The amazing morning smell! It's nature's breath that has not been contaminated. I think some how my memory is very much linked to my sense of smell. It brought back some memories about my past, although I do not exactly know what is the memory. I just loved the smell. I will hit the bed now, and try to get up early again.
Friday, October 27, 2006
So close
3.1 miles run, 0.8 miles swim, 1 mile bike. 2 days to go. So close.
Ready to go home Nov 17-25.
Ready to go home Nov 17-25.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Almost a cardinal iron man
Hi, I am doing the cardinal iron man thing. It is not a intense competition. You sign up, and then just accummulate miles for biking, running and swimming. In the course of 4 weeks, we will self-monitor to finish the whole iron man race: 26.2 miles of running, 112 miles of biking and 2.4 miles of swimming. There are still 3 days to go, and I still need 6.3 miles of running, 1 mile of biking and 1.6 miles of swimming. Statistically, I am a little behind the schedule on running and swimming, but I am on my way to finish it off on Sunday.
What else? Oh, I've started a consulting gig for a SF company, 1-2 days a week. It is a friend's friend. It is a company of pet accessaries, like collars, tees and belts for tiny dogs, stuff that I will never buy myself. They have this massive sales data that they do not know how to analyze. I started the work last week, and tonight I just estimated the sales rates for their 36 products. It can be interpreted like that: If you put the product in 100 retail stores, what precentage of the stores will make a sale on the first day, blah blah, blah. I am quite empowered by my superb skills in Stata and analytical skills in figuring out the algorithms. You better have both.
Oh, finally, who is my computer science class going? Well, I begin to relive my life of feeling like a good student. I haven't had that feeling for almost ten years, as the college classes in social science are always too fuzzy for me to conclude whethere I am doing well. CS class is different, either you get the code right, or you do not. And I have to belong to the crowd that are able to figure out the code. Though time-consuming initially, I think I am absorbing the material really well. A or A+, I would imagine.
What else? Oh, I've started a consulting gig for a SF company, 1-2 days a week. It is a friend's friend. It is a company of pet accessaries, like collars, tees and belts for tiny dogs, stuff that I will never buy myself. They have this massive sales data that they do not know how to analyze. I started the work last week, and tonight I just estimated the sales rates for their 36 products. It can be interpreted like that: If you put the product in 100 retail stores, what precentage of the stores will make a sale on the first day, blah blah, blah. I am quite empowered by my superb skills in Stata and analytical skills in figuring out the algorithms. You better have both.
Oh, finally, who is my computer science class going? Well, I begin to relive my life of feeling like a good student. I haven't had that feeling for almost ten years, as the college classes in social science are always too fuzzy for me to conclude whethere I am doing well. CS class is different, either you get the code right, or you do not. And I have to belong to the crowd that are able to figure out the code. Though time-consuming initially, I think I am absorbing the material really well. A or A+, I would imagine.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Feeling pretty good
Yeah, I know. My recent blogs have been boring. I sorta block my feelings out of the blog and only talk about what I have done in daily life. But who care those things? I guess my readers are more interested in whether my inner-life still experiences turmoil as before, whether I am still the old sensitive self.
To some extent, I still am. No day passes by without me questioning myself, "What's the point?" But then my busy schedule just carried those fleeting thoughts away. I feel lucky that I am surrounded by a bunch of supporting friends. These are the friends to whom I told about my depression about two years ago. It is a little eerie. What if I did not have that episode of depression? Does it mean that I will be friendless now? Seriously, revealing my vulnerability two years ago is still paying dividends. I trust them much, and vice versa (3 of them actually made my friends blog list). A good analogy is gambling. You have to put the ante on the table. If you do not, you are not to win. I was pushed to join the game, and now I see the benefit of being open to friends.
Still no girl in my life. It came so odd. When I break up with Yuphen, I thought the sky was so open that I could meet great girls. Now eight years have passed, and I am still as sexually-deprived as ever. The other day I was attending (actually observing) a campus event called "Full Moon" for the first time (The event is for senior males to kiss freshman girls. But hey, a lot of sketchy graduate student observers). Feel pretty horny (Congressionman Mark Foley, thanks for the term in your scandel. I have to look up the dictionary to know what I mean). It is good to have a girlfriend. I think I am lonely, no matter how much I want to deny it.
Another thing bothering me recently is the health of my Niangniang. I really really want to go back to China this November (I am going to make a decision by this Friday). Think about what she has done for me, there is just nothing I can do to repay that. Yes, my family produced my flaws, but they also prepared myself in facing those flaws and striving ahead. I almost feel that they are a constellation of stars, far away but always watching over my shoulder, emotionally distant but also give me unmatched blessings. What if I lose one of the stars? Well, my life won't change at all. I won't even be emotionally depressed for too long. But I know, once a while, especially when I am lonely, if I look up to the dark sky, I know something is missing. Everything is stil the same, but everything will be different at the same time. That's the irony. So I want to see her before you pass away.
My sensation sometimes will tangle with the past. The other day I saw a butterfly on campus, and I told myself, "It is a deja vu. I saw this before!" I think hard, and then everything is back. I was a kid, with Yaya and Niangniang. We had a garden. In the summer, the small white butterflies were everywhere. And dragonflies too. Yaya planted all sorts of flowers. They were all blossoming. I even saw a humming bird once, I swear. The grape was also growing, and sometimes I found snakes. As Yaya said, snakes liked the the shadow of grape ivies. I took of my sweater and chased the butterflies. When getting close, I wiped it at the butterflies. Their wings would be damaged. I tried to kept them alive in small jars, but they would be all dead within one day. I sometimes also got dragonflies, but they were much harder to catch, as they changed directions rather unpredictably. Sometimes when the butterflies were parking on a flower, I would sneak by and catch it by the wings with my two fingers. My fingers would have those white powders from the wings, and Yaya said it was poisonous....
Damn it! Sometimes I feel that my memory was my burden. I could remember things so vividly that invoking my memory was too costly in my busy schedule. But I know they are always there. My past is my present, and my memory is my treasure. Whenever I feel so out of touch with my folks back at home, one small dose of memory usually is enough to warm my heart and wet my eyes. It reminds that I have been there, lived a life, passed through those amazing people, but never formally said "Thank you". I know, some day, I will shoot a documentary (Have you seen "7 up"? I want to make one like that), or write a book, and I know to whom they will be dedicated.
To some extent, I still am. No day passes by without me questioning myself, "What's the point?" But then my busy schedule just carried those fleeting thoughts away. I feel lucky that I am surrounded by a bunch of supporting friends. These are the friends to whom I told about my depression about two years ago. It is a little eerie. What if I did not have that episode of depression? Does it mean that I will be friendless now? Seriously, revealing my vulnerability two years ago is still paying dividends. I trust them much, and vice versa (3 of them actually made my friends blog list). A good analogy is gambling. You have to put the ante on the table. If you do not, you are not to win. I was pushed to join the game, and now I see the benefit of being open to friends.
Still no girl in my life. It came so odd. When I break up with Yuphen, I thought the sky was so open that I could meet great girls. Now eight years have passed, and I am still as sexually-deprived as ever. The other day I was attending (actually observing) a campus event called "Full Moon" for the first time (The event is for senior males to kiss freshman girls. But hey, a lot of sketchy graduate student observers). Feel pretty horny (Congressionman Mark Foley, thanks for the term in your scandel. I have to look up the dictionary to know what I mean). It is good to have a girlfriend. I think I am lonely, no matter how much I want to deny it.
Another thing bothering me recently is the health of my Niangniang. I really really want to go back to China this November (I am going to make a decision by this Friday). Think about what she has done for me, there is just nothing I can do to repay that. Yes, my family produced my flaws, but they also prepared myself in facing those flaws and striving ahead. I almost feel that they are a constellation of stars, far away but always watching over my shoulder, emotionally distant but also give me unmatched blessings. What if I lose one of the stars? Well, my life won't change at all. I won't even be emotionally depressed for too long. But I know, once a while, especially when I am lonely, if I look up to the dark sky, I know something is missing. Everything is stil the same, but everything will be different at the same time. That's the irony. So I want to see her before you pass away.
My sensation sometimes will tangle with the past. The other day I saw a butterfly on campus, and I told myself, "It is a deja vu. I saw this before!" I think hard, and then everything is back. I was a kid, with Yaya and Niangniang. We had a garden. In the summer, the small white butterflies were everywhere. And dragonflies too. Yaya planted all sorts of flowers. They were all blossoming. I even saw a humming bird once, I swear. The grape was also growing, and sometimes I found snakes. As Yaya said, snakes liked the the shadow of grape ivies. I took of my sweater and chased the butterflies. When getting close, I wiped it at the butterflies. Their wings would be damaged. I tried to kept them alive in small jars, but they would be all dead within one day. I sometimes also got dragonflies, but they were much harder to catch, as they changed directions rather unpredictably. Sometimes when the butterflies were parking on a flower, I would sneak by and catch it by the wings with my two fingers. My fingers would have those white powders from the wings, and Yaya said it was poisonous....
Damn it! Sometimes I feel that my memory was my burden. I could remember things so vividly that invoking my memory was too costly in my busy schedule. But I know they are always there. My past is my present, and my memory is my treasure. Whenever I feel so out of touch with my folks back at home, one small dose of memory usually is enough to warm my heart and wet my eyes. It reminds that I have been there, lived a life, passed through those amazing people, but never formally said "Thank you". I know, some day, I will shoot a documentary (Have you seen "7 up"? I want to make one like that), or write a book, and I know to whom they will be dedicated.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Update
I'd love to give you an update here. Nothing exciting happens though.
Remember that I told you that I had a very bad interview a couple of weeks ago? Well, it turned out to be not bad, as I was invited for an onsite interview scheduled for next week. I am also planning to go back to China during my Thanksgivings holiday. Probably I will be able to see my Niangniang for the last time. Her health is deteriorating very quickly. She does not hear well, and she cannot speak well any more, and she begin to lose track of days. I hope she can hang on for one more months so that I can say good-bye in person.
My class has been well. I had a bad lecture on Monday. I prepared too much materials, so I got nervous. As spoke faster and faster, my English could not catch my thoughts, and my breath could not catch my English. It was pretty aweful. Fortunately, on Wednesday I revamped my approach of the lecture, preparing a little less materials and increased the classroom interaction. I think I did quite well yesterday.
US stock markets are doing very well, so are my mutual funds and my stocks. What stocks I have? I have five: AET, COH, MRH, WMT, MOT. I used to have FDX, AEOS, and XOM, SBL. I got out early with a profit, but I could profit more if I had held on them longer. It is very unpredictable.
I began to take a computer science class this quarter (because I thought I might work for this high-tech company soon). It was very time-consuming, but I think I was born as a natural coder. I think I will eventually excel in that class. Sociology might be the long detour between my career as a techie.
I am going to get my eye examined next week. I am also going to see a dentist very soon. I ate well and slept well. And I know I am going to get quite a few jobs offers by the end of the year.
Remember that I told you that I had a very bad interview a couple of weeks ago? Well, it turned out to be not bad, as I was invited for an onsite interview scheduled for next week. I am also planning to go back to China during my Thanksgivings holiday. Probably I will be able to see my Niangniang for the last time. Her health is deteriorating very quickly. She does not hear well, and she cannot speak well any more, and she begin to lose track of days. I hope she can hang on for one more months so that I can say good-bye in person.
My class has been well. I had a bad lecture on Monday. I prepared too much materials, so I got nervous. As spoke faster and faster, my English could not catch my thoughts, and my breath could not catch my English. It was pretty aweful. Fortunately, on Wednesday I revamped my approach of the lecture, preparing a little less materials and increased the classroom interaction. I think I did quite well yesterday.
US stock markets are doing very well, so are my mutual funds and my stocks. What stocks I have? I have five: AET, COH, MRH, WMT, MOT. I used to have FDX, AEOS, and XOM, SBL. I got out early with a profit, but I could profit more if I had held on them longer. It is very unpredictable.
I began to take a computer science class this quarter (because I thought I might work for this high-tech company soon). It was very time-consuming, but I think I was born as a natural coder. I think I will eventually excel in that class. Sociology might be the long detour between my career as a techie.
I am going to get my eye examined next week. I am also going to see a dentist very soon. I ate well and slept well. And I know I am going to get quite a few jobs offers by the end of the year.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I cannot do it
Ok, I thought I will do blogs about people I hate, so I started with the first one. Then I realized that I cannot do it. First of all, I do not really hate people. It is just sometimes I have a stronger feeling, "I would never want to befriend with this guy (girl)." That's all.
Second, I have to admit that writing about a non-friend is no fun. I started with one paragraph, but reliving bad memory is nothing like a peice of pie. So I stopped, and want to forget about the whole idea of blogging about my non-friends.
My class is going well. I have about 10-12 students in my class. I want to give these students the best education i can offer.
I mailed out 26 job academic job applications this morning. I think I am done with academic job searching. Either they like me or not, I no longer care. I still believe that not retaining me in sociology is probably a big loss for them, but not for me.
Second, I have to admit that writing about a non-friend is no fun. I started with one paragraph, but reliving bad memory is nothing like a peice of pie. So I stopped, and want to forget about the whole idea of blogging about my non-friends.
My class is going well. I have about 10-12 students in my class. I want to give these students the best education i can offer.
I mailed out 26 job academic job applications this morning. I think I am done with academic job searching. Either they like me or not, I no longer care. I still believe that not retaining me in sociology is probably a big loss for them, but not for me.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Don't be ridiculous
So that company asked me what was my ranking of college entrance examination. Man, that was my glory days! I guess they are trying to find an appropriate salary for me by factoring everything in. But com'on, I do not think my scores in that exam no longer say much about me now.
I have 12 students in my class. I think I really like teaching. Last night I was in a presentation of an investment banking firm. It was so boring. I think all the stereotypes of investment bankers are indeed true. I think I will not get into investment banking at all. I hate those assholes.
But the more presentation of consulting industry I go to, the more those jobs are attractive to me. SO I will apply, just in case THAT job eventually fell apart.
Hey, I have an idea. After I finish the blogging about my friends, why do not I start blogs about "people who I hate"? I guess I will start soon. It seems such a great idea to me now. Stay tuned!
I have 12 students in my class. I think I really like teaching. Last night I was in a presentation of an investment banking firm. It was so boring. I think all the stereotypes of investment bankers are indeed true. I think I will not get into investment banking at all. I hate those assholes.
But the more presentation of consulting industry I go to, the more those jobs are attractive to me. SO I will apply, just in case THAT job eventually fell apart.
Hey, I have an idea. After I finish the blogging about my friends, why do not I start blogs about "people who I hate"? I guess I will start soon. It seems such a great idea to me now. Stay tuned!
Monday, September 25, 2006
I am a genius
Yes, I am. I got a call this morning from the company. I was told that I did very well in the interview (I told you!). Now they are checking my references (my references like me) and also ask me for copies of transcripts. So I am pretty sure I will get this job. But again, I am casting my net also on others. This week I am going to attend a bunch of informational sessions. Yes, I think I am a genius. I am probably going to take a computer science class this quarter to prepare for this job.
Okey, let me be more humble here. I also know that I will teach a class this quarter. I enjoy teaching a lot. The same class that got cancelled last spring (damn you, low enrollment!). Hehe.
Okey, let me be more humble here. I also know that I will teach a class this quarter. I enjoy teaching a lot. The same class that got cancelled last spring (damn you, low enrollment!). Hehe.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
A stressful weekend
I just moved to a new apartment, on the edge of the campus. I was the first one to get there, so I got to pick my bedroom among three. So I got this big master's bedroom with a queen size bed. Pretty awesome.
This week was quite stressful. I found myself very very busy, maybe until tomorrow. Job applications, teaching a class, leading workshops, doing research with Betalian, learning HTML and Photoshop, going to the company for my marketing intern. Besides, my car needs a smog check, I need a haircut, I need to buy things for the empty apartment, still wait for the university to deliver my desk and chair and bookshelf. If I do not suffer a heart attack this week, I think I am healthy enough to live until 100.
Two events ruined my self-confidence though. One is that I had a very very bad phone interview for a job. I was asked some trick questions, and I stumbled on almost all of them. One answer I provided was "I guess I do not know." Honest but disastrous. It is probably no big deal, but it hurts my feeling of invincibility. Seocnd, only one student signed up for my class so far. I was not the one to be blamed, as they forgot to put time and location on the time schedule until last week and I was recruited as the instructor only 2 days ago. But still, I am taking it upon myself, as if I am a big failure, and this class is only one little manifestation.
On the bright sight, however, I find myself to be a perfect candidate for consulting jobs now. I just filled out an application for a big consulting company. I applied for the same company last year, and I find that I had so much more BS to talk about than last year. Not bad at all.
I am now still the only person in the three bedroom apartment. I hope my roommate will never move in, so I can enjoy it all to myself!! mmmmmmmmhahahaha.
This week was quite stressful. I found myself very very busy, maybe until tomorrow. Job applications, teaching a class, leading workshops, doing research with Betalian, learning HTML and Photoshop, going to the company for my marketing intern. Besides, my car needs a smog check, I need a haircut, I need to buy things for the empty apartment, still wait for the university to deliver my desk and chair and bookshelf. If I do not suffer a heart attack this week, I think I am healthy enough to live until 100.
Two events ruined my self-confidence though. One is that I had a very very bad phone interview for a job. I was asked some trick questions, and I stumbled on almost all of them. One answer I provided was "I guess I do not know." Honest but disastrous. It is probably no big deal, but it hurts my feeling of invincibility. Seocnd, only one student signed up for my class so far. I was not the one to be blamed, as they forgot to put time and location on the time schedule until last week and I was recruited as the instructor only 2 days ago. But still, I am taking it upon myself, as if I am a big failure, and this class is only one little manifestation.
On the bright sight, however, I find myself to be a perfect candidate for consulting jobs now. I just filled out an application for a big consulting company. I applied for the same company last year, and I find that I had so much more BS to talk about than last year. Not bad at all.
I am now still the only person in the three bedroom apartment. I hope my roommate will never move in, so I can enjoy it all to myself!! mmmmmmmmhahahaha.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The big interview is over
I think I did well on three of the interviewers, but the second one was a little bit intense and hostile. I hope he does not have the final say on my future.
I have been feeling great in the past week or so. I got so much done. Way to go.
I have been feeling great in the past week or so. I got so much done. Way to go.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
procrastination
Holy cow, I was supposed to do something productive tonight. Now I had this long blog entry about Wondre. Well, it works out better this way. As the blog entry began to form in my brain, I had to get it out on the keyboard. Now I still have one hour before sleep, so do something that will make it a productive day.
Oh, by the way, tomorrow is a big day for me, as I will be interviewing for a job I really want to have.
Oh, by the way, tomorrow is a big day for me, as I will be interviewing for a job I really want to have.
My friend (Wondre)
If you still remember my "writing plan" blog, you know I still own you this one: my friend Wondre (of course, as well as the last part of Yuphen. Sorry that my writing was sort of slow recently). I have been holding this spot for Wondre for a long long time. I know she is special, but as the time passing by, I unconsciously blocked the memory about her. As the life goes forward, I do not dear to look back, as if it would dig out some of my flaws that I had been tried to forget. And besides, we haven't contacted each other for a long time. So I am not the only one to be blamed.
All of a suddenly, she re-emerged with an email. For certain reasons, it reminded me how important my past was to me, and how great a friend she was, and how many memories we had shared (I know she will be reading this blog some time. But I promise, this blog is not intended to use these cheesy words to please her. It is just how I would have written without knowing she would be reading. Okey, stop over-analyzing. Just go to the facts).
Oh, one more thing before I get into the real meet. You know Gmail tried to match the ads (showing up on the right side of screen) with the content of email, right? For some reasons, one of the matching ads for Wondre's email is called "Device to beat kids". I do not know how that happened: She just innocently mentioned something about children. Get serious please, Google!
I met Wondre for the first time in high school during a gathering organized by the Literature Club (I, Wondre and Zexum were all part of it. Until today, Wondre and Zexum are still best friends, as far as I know). There were some silly activities during the gathering in a classroom. I think Zexum made a speech or something, since she was the leader. Wondre and I happened to live in the neighborhood close-by, so I was responsible to escort her home (I remember in high school, boys need to escort girls back home if there are evening activities. I do not know whether it is required by the school or it is just a made-up rule by boys). Anyway, we had a very interesting conversation on the bike for about half an hour. For some reasons, we promised to write letters to each other. It might started as a joke or something, but it turned out that we really took it seriously.
Before I go on, here is some background information. Wondre wrote beautiful essays (of course, great hand-writing too, always in blue ink and semi-transparent sheets, as I later found out). In the Literature Club, I was the fake one. I did not write well. Even I tried hard, I paid a lot of attention to the structure, the logic, and hidden meanings, the moral lessons. After I finished a "masterpiece", I bearly could read it myself. It was like looking at myself in the mirror in the early morning with sleepy eyes: it does not look like me. The same for my essay: it does not look like mine, as so many things were hidden or got over-analyzed. Wondre's essay was different: very visual, always creating an atmosphere with few strokes, almost like a master painter who can always get to the essenses of the nature, or the people, or the spirits that might be floating around.
So for me, Literature Club was a cover that I could divert the spot light of "math nerd" away from me. Also, it was awe-struck by the fact that people of my same age and similar experience could creat something so beautiful, and I just cannot (well, English, my second language, have gave me a greater freedom to create, as I do in this blog. Thank you very much, English). For that reason, I admired her, as writing came so natural, as she breathing in thoughts and breathing out words like a fish in the water.
So get back to track. We began to write to each other. It was our secret communication. One morning, when I arrived school, I would found a letter sitting neatly on the teacher's big desk in the front of classroom. Then she would got one. And then it was my turn. During some period, the exchange was so frequent that we wrote every day. Two reasons kept me going with the letter exchange.
One, it was a joy to write, especially to Wondre. I was a sensitive boy, and I often suspect whether or not I was normal at all, so I tended to suppress my sensibility. Writing to her made me feel free. She was not in my same grade, we did not really know each other well, and even better, she was younger than me, so I felt very secure to write to her. By convincing myself that it was to give Wondre some advice and guidence in school as an older brother, I really acted selfishly so that i had a chance to discover myself.
Second, it felt great if you had a secret friend that you can always talk to but nobody else can. Every morning, when I got the letter from Wondre, I acted like no big deal, calmly passing the rows of seats, put the letter in my backpack, waiting for a quiet moment to read it. But what really went through my mind was something less noble: I peeked at other people, noticing that they were guessing how my secret friend was? was it he or she? if she, was she my girlfriend? What were we writing about? How came we had so many things to write about? Let me tell you, it felt great to be the center of the attention and gossip, especially it had nothing to do with my academic achievement and had every ingredient of something romantic.
You may ask, was Wondre my girlfriend? Well, it was complicated. No, I did not have any intention to have a girlfriend then (To be honest, I was not mature enough then to understand the meaning of relationship then. I thought that 1) having a girlfriend was not good when you were a high school student, 2) but if you had one, everyone will envy about it. So it was a forbidden fruit. With my moral self-rightousness and the incredible lack of self-confidence. a girlfriend was out of the picture.) However, I had every intention to make it look like one. As I mentioned above, I liked the feeling when my classmates guessed or teased about who my secret pen pal was.
To make the deal sweeter, I kept my parents and my Niangniang guessing. Because during the school recess, we wrote to each other through snail mail. My Niangniang asked me a couple of times, and I refused to answer. Since I did not have mailbox key, I eventually figured a way to take out the mail using two small stickes. It felt great because I finally had my privacy. How pathetic, I might say now. However, back then, this kind of small things kept me together so that I did not snap and lived rather peacefully with the oppressive environment in my family. (Oh, please do not get me wrong. If you read my earlier blogs, you know I love my families as a fact. However, living in my family as a 15 years old kid was a miseable experience. I am happy I eventually have got out almost unscratched, but I do not blame them for everything they did, because they meant well).
So one day, I embarked on a journey to visited her in her hometown (2 and half hours by bus) in the summer. I did not even tell my family, as if that was as rebellious as I could go: a secret day trip to see a secret friend, maybe just to prove that I can do it. The bus was over-loaded, so when passing every checking point, we had to dodge, as if the bus was under a massive attack. When I arrived there, she and I climbed a small hill to have a nice view (or maybe there is a temple there or something). I forgot most of it, but a joke that I always remember. It is not even funny, but we had a good laugh then. Okey, okey, the joke is as following: When we walked on the trail, she said,"Xiaolu (little alley), Tongzhi (comrade)", but I thought she was calling me "Comrade Little Deer". Funny, huh? Anyway, we overplayed the joke again and again during our walk, as it was the funniest thing in the world.
Then I was about to head to college. One afternoon, we biked all the way to the suburban on a land-bridge. She told me that she liked to watch the train passing by under the feet. I was not sure why it was so enjoyable, but I wanted to see it too. The other side of the bridge was still under the construction, so there was virtually nobody on the bridge. We talked and talked until the train came, with the smoking flushing out of its industrial chimney. It came, it went. To this day, I still did not get it: why watching train was interesting? (Well, I guess people are different. Last year I had a housemate who can watch the fire burning for an eternity). Anyway, I think we talked a little about the future. I did not remember what I said about my future, but I know I felt then that college was the best thing to me: I could get away from my family, and besides, in college, all my dreams would come true, and besides, as I grew up, my hometown was now too small for me--I was going to fly far and high, leaving my old friends far behind.
Eventually, college turned out to be great, but not as great as I thought would be. We still communicated with letters. One way I got a letter from Wondre, with a 2-inch passport photo and a depressing letter. I was quite freaked out. I thought Wondre would do something stupid to herself. (To this day, I still do not know whether I was over-worrying). I think I immediately wrote a letter back, blah blah blah. I told it to my then girlfriend Yuphen. She was worried too. Just to comfort her, I promised her that Wondre was like a willow branch, wavering under strong wind but never would snap itself. I do not know whether I could convince myself with that, but that thought made me feel better.
Eventually Wondre went to a college next to mine. She did not change too much since high school. To me, she was still the little girl I knew, writing beautiful essays and suffering from being sensitive. How Zexum, Wondre and I were in the same city again, thousands of miles away from where we started. We had some gatherings to renew our friendship, but they were more like a formality that I neither loved or hated, so my memory there was all blured.
Later in college, one of my best friends (well, my friend "Jegal", if you still remember him) told me that one girl was calling into some radio show to confess the love for me. I do not know how he got the link, as I assumed that in radio shows everything was supposed to be anonymous (that's the whole point of those kinds of radio shows right?). However, I immediately thought of Wondre. It does not matter whether my guess was justified. It was probably false anyway. What really mattered here that that the thought came natutally to me. All those years our friendship was quite "aimei", tracking all the way to the letter-writing. I never denied to my friends or family whether she was indeed my secret girlfriend. Until today, I still believe that, besides the events I described in "Yuphen" blogs, it is the most romantic event of my entire life. I kept these letters until two years ago. (When I visited my home two years ago, my dad told me that he was selling my apartment. Then I burnt all the letters I have, including Wondre's. For me, that apartment was an era. It was the last thing that confined my freedom, but it was also whether I wrote these letters, whether my Yaya died, when my Niangniang made delicious meals, where I got up at 6am for a morning run, where I studied to nail the college extrance exam, where I sang aloud to disturb neighbors. I felt very very sad, so I burnt my memory. And now, I feel my eyes are all wet. I think of my Niangniang now. Last week when I called her, she was not well. I think she is losing it to the old age).
Anyway, back to Wondre. That's pretty much all the important events that I remember now. A couple of days ago, her email emerged, probably in a hope that Zexum and I can be together. I told her not to bother. I really appreciate all her effort. I still do not know what she did, but she mentioned something vaguely in the email, and saying sorry about them. Well, really, nothing to be sorry about. If sorry has to be said, then this blog will have too many "sorries": sorry to guess Wondre as the calling girl without a reason, sorry to burn Wondre's letter, etc... But I don't. They are all part of the whole story about Wondre and me, and it just happened this way. They are treasurous.
Finally, let me say this. The life is a circle in every possible way. We started writing secret letters to each other, now I share this rather "secret" blog to Wondre. From the blue ink on factory-titled sheets to the cyber-font on computer screens, something is unchanged. I am still honest as I was before, still struggling here and there, but still with great ambitions, still sensitive, but now with a better writing style. My mind could still overwhelm me, and my heart could still break once a while. However, in this blog, I am safe to speak, safe to stipulate that, on the receiving side, my friends are watching and caring, sometimes with me as the secret boyfriend. Oh, so nice to be young,pure and innocent.
All of a suddenly, she re-emerged with an email. For certain reasons, it reminded me how important my past was to me, and how great a friend she was, and how many memories we had shared (I know she will be reading this blog some time. But I promise, this blog is not intended to use these cheesy words to please her. It is just how I would have written without knowing she would be reading. Okey, stop over-analyzing. Just go to the facts).
Oh, one more thing before I get into the real meet. You know Gmail tried to match the ads (showing up on the right side of screen) with the content of email, right? For some reasons, one of the matching ads for Wondre's email is called "Device to beat kids". I do not know how that happened: She just innocently mentioned something about children. Get serious please, Google!
I met Wondre for the first time in high school during a gathering organized by the Literature Club (I, Wondre and Zexum were all part of it. Until today, Wondre and Zexum are still best friends, as far as I know). There were some silly activities during the gathering in a classroom. I think Zexum made a speech or something, since she was the leader. Wondre and I happened to live in the neighborhood close-by, so I was responsible to escort her home (I remember in high school, boys need to escort girls back home if there are evening activities. I do not know whether it is required by the school or it is just a made-up rule by boys). Anyway, we had a very interesting conversation on the bike for about half an hour. For some reasons, we promised to write letters to each other. It might started as a joke or something, but it turned out that we really took it seriously.
Before I go on, here is some background information. Wondre wrote beautiful essays (of course, great hand-writing too, always in blue ink and semi-transparent sheets, as I later found out). In the Literature Club, I was the fake one. I did not write well. Even I tried hard, I paid a lot of attention to the structure, the logic, and hidden meanings, the moral lessons. After I finished a "masterpiece", I bearly could read it myself. It was like looking at myself in the mirror in the early morning with sleepy eyes: it does not look like me. The same for my essay: it does not look like mine, as so many things were hidden or got over-analyzed. Wondre's essay was different: very visual, always creating an atmosphere with few strokes, almost like a master painter who can always get to the essenses of the nature, or the people, or the spirits that might be floating around.
So for me, Literature Club was a cover that I could divert the spot light of "math nerd" away from me. Also, it was awe-struck by the fact that people of my same age and similar experience could creat something so beautiful, and I just cannot (well, English, my second language, have gave me a greater freedom to create, as I do in this blog. Thank you very much, English). For that reason, I admired her, as writing came so natural, as she breathing in thoughts and breathing out words like a fish in the water.
So get back to track. We began to write to each other. It was our secret communication. One morning, when I arrived school, I would found a letter sitting neatly on the teacher's big desk in the front of classroom. Then she would got one. And then it was my turn. During some period, the exchange was so frequent that we wrote every day. Two reasons kept me going with the letter exchange.
One, it was a joy to write, especially to Wondre. I was a sensitive boy, and I often suspect whether or not I was normal at all, so I tended to suppress my sensibility. Writing to her made me feel free. She was not in my same grade, we did not really know each other well, and even better, she was younger than me, so I felt very secure to write to her. By convincing myself that it was to give Wondre some advice and guidence in school as an older brother, I really acted selfishly so that i had a chance to discover myself.
Second, it felt great if you had a secret friend that you can always talk to but nobody else can. Every morning, when I got the letter from Wondre, I acted like no big deal, calmly passing the rows of seats, put the letter in my backpack, waiting for a quiet moment to read it. But what really went through my mind was something less noble: I peeked at other people, noticing that they were guessing how my secret friend was? was it he or she? if she, was she my girlfriend? What were we writing about? How came we had so many things to write about? Let me tell you, it felt great to be the center of the attention and gossip, especially it had nothing to do with my academic achievement and had every ingredient of something romantic.
You may ask, was Wondre my girlfriend? Well, it was complicated. No, I did not have any intention to have a girlfriend then (To be honest, I was not mature enough then to understand the meaning of relationship then. I thought that 1) having a girlfriend was not good when you were a high school student, 2) but if you had one, everyone will envy about it. So it was a forbidden fruit. With my moral self-rightousness and the incredible lack of self-confidence. a girlfriend was out of the picture.) However, I had every intention to make it look like one. As I mentioned above, I liked the feeling when my classmates guessed or teased about who my secret pen pal was.
To make the deal sweeter, I kept my parents and my Niangniang guessing. Because during the school recess, we wrote to each other through snail mail. My Niangniang asked me a couple of times, and I refused to answer. Since I did not have mailbox key, I eventually figured a way to take out the mail using two small stickes. It felt great because I finally had my privacy. How pathetic, I might say now. However, back then, this kind of small things kept me together so that I did not snap and lived rather peacefully with the oppressive environment in my family. (Oh, please do not get me wrong. If you read my earlier blogs, you know I love my families as a fact. However, living in my family as a 15 years old kid was a miseable experience. I am happy I eventually have got out almost unscratched, but I do not blame them for everything they did, because they meant well).
So one day, I embarked on a journey to visited her in her hometown (2 and half hours by bus) in the summer. I did not even tell my family, as if that was as rebellious as I could go: a secret day trip to see a secret friend, maybe just to prove that I can do it. The bus was over-loaded, so when passing every checking point, we had to dodge, as if the bus was under a massive attack. When I arrived there, she and I climbed a small hill to have a nice view (or maybe there is a temple there or something). I forgot most of it, but a joke that I always remember. It is not even funny, but we had a good laugh then. Okey, okey, the joke is as following: When we walked on the trail, she said,"Xiaolu (little alley), Tongzhi (comrade)", but I thought she was calling me "Comrade Little Deer". Funny, huh? Anyway, we overplayed the joke again and again during our walk, as it was the funniest thing in the world.
Then I was about to head to college. One afternoon, we biked all the way to the suburban on a land-bridge. She told me that she liked to watch the train passing by under the feet. I was not sure why it was so enjoyable, but I wanted to see it too. The other side of the bridge was still under the construction, so there was virtually nobody on the bridge. We talked and talked until the train came, with the smoking flushing out of its industrial chimney. It came, it went. To this day, I still did not get it: why watching train was interesting? (Well, I guess people are different. Last year I had a housemate who can watch the fire burning for an eternity). Anyway, I think we talked a little about the future. I did not remember what I said about my future, but I know I felt then that college was the best thing to me: I could get away from my family, and besides, in college, all my dreams would come true, and besides, as I grew up, my hometown was now too small for me--I was going to fly far and high, leaving my old friends far behind.
Eventually, college turned out to be great, but not as great as I thought would be. We still communicated with letters. One way I got a letter from Wondre, with a 2-inch passport photo and a depressing letter. I was quite freaked out. I thought Wondre would do something stupid to herself. (To this day, I still do not know whether I was over-worrying). I think I immediately wrote a letter back, blah blah blah. I told it to my then girlfriend Yuphen. She was worried too. Just to comfort her, I promised her that Wondre was like a willow branch, wavering under strong wind but never would snap itself. I do not know whether I could convince myself with that, but that thought made me feel better.
Eventually Wondre went to a college next to mine. She did not change too much since high school. To me, she was still the little girl I knew, writing beautiful essays and suffering from being sensitive. How Zexum, Wondre and I were in the same city again, thousands of miles away from where we started. We had some gatherings to renew our friendship, but they were more like a formality that I neither loved or hated, so my memory there was all blured.
Later in college, one of my best friends (well, my friend "Jegal", if you still remember him) told me that one girl was calling into some radio show to confess the love for me. I do not know how he got the link, as I assumed that in radio shows everything was supposed to be anonymous (that's the whole point of those kinds of radio shows right?). However, I immediately thought of Wondre. It does not matter whether my guess was justified. It was probably false anyway. What really mattered here that that the thought came natutally to me. All those years our friendship was quite "aimei", tracking all the way to the letter-writing. I never denied to my friends or family whether she was indeed my secret girlfriend. Until today, I still believe that, besides the events I described in "Yuphen" blogs, it is the most romantic event of my entire life. I kept these letters until two years ago. (When I visited my home two years ago, my dad told me that he was selling my apartment. Then I burnt all the letters I have, including Wondre's. For me, that apartment was an era. It was the last thing that confined my freedom, but it was also whether I wrote these letters, whether my Yaya died, when my Niangniang made delicious meals, where I got up at 6am for a morning run, where I studied to nail the college extrance exam, where I sang aloud to disturb neighbors. I felt very very sad, so I burnt my memory. And now, I feel my eyes are all wet. I think of my Niangniang now. Last week when I called her, she was not well. I think she is losing it to the old age).
Anyway, back to Wondre. That's pretty much all the important events that I remember now. A couple of days ago, her email emerged, probably in a hope that Zexum and I can be together. I told her not to bother. I really appreciate all her effort. I still do not know what she did, but she mentioned something vaguely in the email, and saying sorry about them. Well, really, nothing to be sorry about. If sorry has to be said, then this blog will have too many "sorries": sorry to guess Wondre as the calling girl without a reason, sorry to burn Wondre's letter, etc... But I don't. They are all part of the whole story about Wondre and me, and it just happened this way. They are treasurous.
Finally, let me say this. The life is a circle in every possible way. We started writing secret letters to each other, now I share this rather "secret" blog to Wondre. From the blue ink on factory-titled sheets to the cyber-font on computer screens, something is unchanged. I am still honest as I was before, still struggling here and there, but still with great ambitions, still sensitive, but now with a better writing style. My mind could still overwhelm me, and my heart could still break once a while. However, in this blog, I am safe to speak, safe to stipulate that, on the receiving side, my friends are watching and caring, sometimes with me as the secret boyfriend. Oh, so nice to be young,pure and innocent.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Got an interview
Also, here is what I wrote yesterday when I was procrastinating.
After running out of laudable inspiration of blog topic, here I am to blog about the music I am listening.
My favorite music is stil belong to "10,000 maniacs", especially their albums in 1990s. I love Natalie Merchant so much that I can almost listen to her singing for eternaty. "Noah's Dove" and "Stockton Gala Days" are my all-time favorite.
But I have more. Recently I have been introduced to classical music, almost by accident. Vivaldi, Bach, Brahms... I know it is almost uncool to love classics, but it was good. I guess I will never be an real artist, but my whole life journal seems like a process of discovering the beauty of arts, first acting, then modern dance, no more and more music and design. One special album for me is "Vivaldi's Ring of Mystery". I stole this album from Phoebe without her knowing under the classic category on itunes. It was a fascinating story with great Vivaldi music. I guess deep-down I am fascinated by fairy tales full of imagination.
Antoher funny song was "The nights Santa Went Crazy" by "Weird Al". A good rap song is Jay-Z's "Big Pimping". Other music I listened to often: Counting Crows, Billy Joel, Stars, Belle and Sebastion, The Delgados, Amelie soundtrack, Missy Higgins, Sara and Tegan, etc.
The youtube channel I love to watch: Lucy in LA.
The online video clips I love to watch: Daily Show and Colbert Report.
The magazine and newspaper I read: Time, New York Times.
The books I am reading or has finished recently: Bee Season.
The movie I would like to watch: Little miss sunshine
The ipod TV I am watching: 24 (season 4) and development arrestment (season 2)
It sounds like my cultural life is pretty cool, right?
After running out of laudable inspiration of blog topic, here I am to blog about the music I am listening.
My favorite music is stil belong to "10,000 maniacs", especially their albums in 1990s. I love Natalie Merchant so much that I can almost listen to her singing for eternaty. "Noah's Dove" and "Stockton Gala Days" are my all-time favorite.
But I have more. Recently I have been introduced to classical music, almost by accident. Vivaldi, Bach, Brahms... I know it is almost uncool to love classics, but it was good. I guess I will never be an real artist, but my whole life journal seems like a process of discovering the beauty of arts, first acting, then modern dance, no more and more music and design. One special album for me is "Vivaldi's Ring of Mystery". I stole this album from Phoebe without her knowing under the classic category on itunes. It was a fascinating story with great Vivaldi music. I guess deep-down I am fascinated by fairy tales full of imagination.
Antoher funny song was "The nights Santa Went Crazy" by "Weird Al". A good rap song is Jay-Z's "Big Pimping". Other music I listened to often: Counting Crows, Billy Joel, Stars, Belle and Sebastion, The Delgados, Amelie soundtrack, Missy Higgins, Sara and Tegan, etc.
The youtube channel I love to watch: Lucy in LA.
The online video clips I love to watch: Daily Show and Colbert Report.
The magazine and newspaper I read: Time, New York Times.
The books I am reading or has finished recently: Bee Season.
The movie I would like to watch: Little miss sunshine
The ipod TV I am watching: 24 (season 4) and development arrestment (season 2)
It sounds like my cultural life is pretty cool, right?
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Interview
Yeah, just finished a 30-minute phone interview. I am not sure how I did this time. I think I did well, but according to my last year's experience, my own sense of how interviews went did not predict the outcome. So get my figure crossed.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
web tracking
Pretty cool, right? That's my newly-installed webpage tracking on my blog. Readers, now I know who you are, haha. Today, one from China and one from East Coast (I thought that my site is blocked in China). Maybe more though, as I still do not know how to read the report.
Well, I actually have no interest to see the stats on my blog. I do not really care who is reading and who is not. The real thing is that I need to learn webtracking skills for my internship, and my blog is the only site that I manage right now. (Well, let me take it back. I actually care about my readership, as I feel that is a great way that my friends and strangers know my life. However, I have no intension to change my way of writing just because of my blog traffic). Anyway, I think I need to let you know that I am tracking it. But you probably do not care anyway.
You may ask, why learning webtracking? Well, much is business secret and since I signed a confidential agreement, I do not think I can say too much. What I can say is that we are going to launch an advertisement campaign for some sort of online competition, and I am in charge of managing the whole campaign, especially buying ads from Google's Adwords. So I need to know how to track the clicks from the ads.
That's the perk of working in a start-up. Just think that I have only worked there on and off for 40 hours, and now I can be in charge of a project. Calling shots in a company. Isn't that cool? As I was interning in this start-up company, all of a sudden I found out that I really loved technology. Here, everything has, or will have, a technical solution. Among solutions, there are good ones and bad ones. It is very different from sociology, where everything is messy and sometimes politically charged and your intelligence sometimes is not respected simply because you will in a different sub-field. Well, I have a phone interview with a big-name company for a permenant position..... Well, you can see that I am steering away from sociology, even though I have two (actually three) single-authored paper for submission this month or next.
Betalian is as crazy as before. She will demand all kinds of statistical tests. Some of them are just trash, but she won't listen. I then just learn new things and log in hours. Not bad for me either. Do you know cluster analysis, contingency analysis, multidimentional something (I forget the name)? Now I do, thanks to Betalian for these stupid learnings. Now she is out for vacation, so my email box can be quiet for a while.
What else? Nothing too much. Well, I am also learning HTML code when I milk my time during the internship. I feel 10 or 20 years down the road, I might have my own business, and that is a good way to prepare.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
My friend (Betalion)
Let me sketch her real quick. Betalion is a law school professor. She is a straight talker. She say a lot of "F&*%" on the cellphone. She is demanding, as I can see from her interaction with her husband and RA. She just cannot shut up, not in a bad way though.
I work for her recently on a project she has to finish soon. In fact, I need to work on that tonight after the blogging. She is up for tenure review. A lot of stress, as you can imagine. She is lucky to have me, as I am commited to get it done. On my part, I get paid well, and now I have a good contact in law school.
Three examples of her straight talks.
1. She gave me the time sheet, and said, "Hey, I paid you with a good hourly rate, so do not screw me over with the number of hours. Okey?"
2. She was talking about something else, but somehow she segwayed into something like "my marriage is falling apart, but that's my problem to deal with."
3. "I hate ASA. It is too hieararchical." That's exactly what I feel. I never speak that out lout, but nothing can stop Betalion from saying that.
It is quick a shock to hear those initially. But on the second tought, why are not everything like her, to speak out honestly what they think? Now if you would excuse me, I can going to do some hard-shit work for her project now. F&*%.
I work for her recently on a project she has to finish soon. In fact, I need to work on that tonight after the blogging. She is up for tenure review. A lot of stress, as you can imagine. She is lucky to have me, as I am commited to get it done. On my part, I get paid well, and now I have a good contact in law school.
Three examples of her straight talks.
1. She gave me the time sheet, and said, "Hey, I paid you with a good hourly rate, so do not screw me over with the number of hours. Okey?"
2. She was talking about something else, but somehow she segwayed into something like "my marriage is falling apart, but that's my problem to deal with."
3. "I hate ASA. It is too hieararchical." That's exactly what I feel. I never speak that out lout, but nothing can stop Betalion from saying that.
It is quick a shock to hear those initially. But on the second tought, why are not everything like her, to speak out honestly what they think? Now if you would excuse me, I can going to do some hard-shit work for her project now. F&*%.
My friends updates
I have started my friends blog such a long time ago. When I decided to give an update today, I have to go back and create a spreadsheet to match the real names with the fakes one I created. "W" is still yet to be filled. Since that will be my last one in the 26 formal spots, I get overcautious, so nobody has be selected to fill the spot. I also know the last part of "Yuphen" is still pending for another day. But here are some updates.
Amsol still is my best friend. Somehow our friendship shifted. Before, it was I that hung on him to buffer the cultural shock. Now the relation is more equal. Rather than I asked questions all the time, it became information sharing. And I like that.
Brey went back to S. Karea this past year to do research. He finally had a girlfriend. She is an artist, Korean American. This one will last, I think. And I am happy for Brey.
Chestina is in trouble, as far as I can tell. She is depressed often, always stressed about work and obsessed with small issues. Maybe marriage problem. That's my best guess. Next year she will take a year off to be a clerk for a judge. Have I mentioned that she actually had a law degree before she came to the department?
Dermon got married two years ago and now even had a baby boy. He got a job in Texas. I wonder how he liked it there?
Elpen. I haven't seen him for a long time. He kinda quit school and worked in a start-up company now. still doing some obsessive shopping to have the best high-tech gears. He was in the same summer program with me.
Friggy: I saw him once this year when he returned to Stanford. He did not change a bit. For example, he came to the house for dinner one day, and immediately lost his hat. He is now in texas too, doing a ph.d. degree in engineering while working for some companies, maybe.
Glip: Well, he is my advisor. His life is not stable, as he moved back and forth between two top universities in the past year or two. This coming quarter he will teach in China. I do not think he is very productive recently, but he has a book about CR coming up.
Amsol still is my best friend. Somehow our friendship shifted. Before, it was I that hung on him to buffer the cultural shock. Now the relation is more equal. Rather than I asked questions all the time, it became information sharing. And I like that.
Brey went back to S. Karea this past year to do research. He finally had a girlfriend. She is an artist, Korean American. This one will last, I think. And I am happy for Brey.
Chestina is in trouble, as far as I can tell. She is depressed often, always stressed about work and obsessed with small issues. Maybe marriage problem. That's my best guess. Next year she will take a year off to be a clerk for a judge. Have I mentioned that she actually had a law degree before she came to the department?
Dermon got married two years ago and now even had a baby boy. He got a job in Texas. I wonder how he liked it there?
Elpen. I haven't seen him for a long time. He kinda quit school and worked in a start-up company now. still doing some obsessive shopping to have the best high-tech gears. He was in the same summer program with me.
Friggy: I saw him once this year when he returned to Stanford. He did not change a bit. For example, he came to the house for dinner one day, and immediately lost his hat. He is now in texas too, doing a ph.d. degree in engineering while working for some companies, maybe.
Glip: Well, he is my advisor. His life is not stable, as he moved back and forth between two top universities in the past year or two. This coming quarter he will teach in China. I do not think he is very productive recently, but he has a book about CR coming up.
Monday, August 14, 2006
A trip to Montreal
It was this year's ASA meeting. I came back today, with a great impression about Montreal.
I rented a bike for three days, and biked every single day. I think I covered almost every cover that three-day biking can cover. This place was very european. People looked relaxed, weekdays and weekends. A lot of Cafe, very few cellphones. Mostly white, especially blonde. People look slimmer than a generic American. Ladies are attractive and guys dress very well. Food are quite expensive, but my sample is only in tourist place. People bike in the city all the time. In fact, when I passed by apartments, a lot of families have bikes on their balcony. I guess that's keep them fit.
I biked in small streets with bricks paving the way. I tried it fast, so that my whole body was shaking violently along with my mountain bike. It might cause some brain damage already. It reminded me the movie "cinema paradise", my favorite non-English movie so far. I also biked far away along the bike trail. Once I saw a random fox, and once I saw handrens of people gathering in a park, dancing in uniform, just like you will see on TV of the group dance in Europe.
Once I was walking on the street and realized that the guy in front of me was smoking pot. I stayed in a shabby hotel with friend Brian. He had a hard time sleeping, probably due to the prolonged sunlight time. I hope it was not because of my snore (do I snore at all? I do not know.) One night he taught me how to play "risks" game, which he installed in his computer. He told me that was how he killed time when he drove up and down in Carlifornia prison system for his interview. I learned it quickly. Within two hours, I kicked asses of 7 computer-controlled players. I guess video game can always bring me joys, as if the success is too rare in real life, so I treasured every single opportunity to enjoy even I know it was sorta fake.
Overall, I attended maybe 3 sessions in total (including the one I presented a paper in a roundtable session), met with two universities through employment service, met a good future contact on the airplane, biked about 60km to cover the city, visited 3 museums, watched 1 3-D IMAX movie, passed numerous parks, saw the most romantic marriage propose in my life ( the guy contacted a street performer a month ago to make sure he and his girlfriend would be picked as "innocent" volunteers that day. After they suffered some fire and knife hazards, the guy got on his knees and proposed. The girl was in a shock, the guy was in a satisfying smile, and everyone else was sheering. Quite something, isn't it?)
See http://picasaweb.google.com/songhua/200608Montreal
I rented a bike for three days, and biked every single day. I think I covered almost every cover that three-day biking can cover. This place was very european. People looked relaxed, weekdays and weekends. A lot of Cafe, very few cellphones. Mostly white, especially blonde. People look slimmer than a generic American. Ladies are attractive and guys dress very well. Food are quite expensive, but my sample is only in tourist place. People bike in the city all the time. In fact, when I passed by apartments, a lot of families have bikes on their balcony. I guess that's keep them fit.
I biked in small streets with bricks paving the way. I tried it fast, so that my whole body was shaking violently along with my mountain bike. It might cause some brain damage already. It reminded me the movie "cinema paradise", my favorite non-English movie so far. I also biked far away along the bike trail. Once I saw a random fox, and once I saw handrens of people gathering in a park, dancing in uniform, just like you will see on TV of the group dance in Europe.
Once I was walking on the street and realized that the guy in front of me was smoking pot. I stayed in a shabby hotel with friend Brian. He had a hard time sleeping, probably due to the prolonged sunlight time. I hope it was not because of my snore (do I snore at all? I do not know.) One night he taught me how to play "risks" game, which he installed in his computer. He told me that was how he killed time when he drove up and down in Carlifornia prison system for his interview. I learned it quickly. Within two hours, I kicked asses of 7 computer-controlled players. I guess video game can always bring me joys, as if the success is too rare in real life, so I treasured every single opportunity to enjoy even I know it was sorta fake.
Overall, I attended maybe 3 sessions in total (including the one I presented a paper in a roundtable session), met with two universities through employment service, met a good future contact on the airplane, biked about 60km to cover the city, visited 3 museums, watched 1 3-D IMAX movie, passed numerous parks, saw the most romantic marriage propose in my life ( the guy contacted a street performer a month ago to make sure he and his girlfriend would be picked as "innocent" volunteers that day. After they suffered some fire and knife hazards, the guy got on his knees and proposed. The girl was in a shock, the guy was in a satisfying smile, and everyone else was sheering. Quite something, isn't it?)
See http://picasaweb.google.com/songhua/200608Montreal
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Special dinner
Today, Chi Theta Chi had a special dinner. I cooked a "killer shrimp soup", and got quite good reviews. Riding on my pride, I tasted all kinds of liquors, and now I think I am half-drunk. That's great. Because now I do not need to bike out to starbucks to continue my paper tonight. Rather, I had two hours to waste. Maybe I should watch "liar liar" again. But for now, let me see how much I can write for this blog entry. I sorta have the urge of finish off Yuphen entry today, but in a second thought, maybe I should leave it for a sober day.
My recent blog entries have been half-assed. Seriously, not too much going on anyway.
But more seriously, a lot have happened, and I was just not in the mood of blogging my desperation. Let me have a review. For a while, I have been desperate about my future. This past year not everything runs okey. I tried to get a job with full confidence, but results were rather mixed. It was hard to keep my cool in these situations. More often than not, I have doubts about myself, whether all the confidence was actually based on illusion rather than reality.
The summer was a turning point. At least I got my cool back. First it was the summer institute, through which I realized that I still had the potential to learn new things, and indeed I would be a good student if I eventually go to law school. Second, it was ALC program. I gave lectures there, and realized I was actually a good teacher. If I could work myself up to have a good five-minute start, the whole lecture would be a breeze. Then I got an unpaid internship in a start-up. Then I got hooked up with a law school professor. I am going to be her RA for a while. Not only it paid quite well, but also it could lead to a very good recommendation letter for my future use and abuse. Not to mention that I am write a very good paper. I've tricked myself into thinking next Tuesday is the deadline. This afternoon, before I was cooking, I was writing that paper, halfway through it already. It could be a home-run.
My recent blog entries have been half-assed. Seriously, not too much going on anyway.
But more seriously, a lot have happened, and I was just not in the mood of blogging my desperation. Let me have a review. For a while, I have been desperate about my future. This past year not everything runs okey. I tried to get a job with full confidence, but results were rather mixed. It was hard to keep my cool in these situations. More often than not, I have doubts about myself, whether all the confidence was actually based on illusion rather than reality.
The summer was a turning point. At least I got my cool back. First it was the summer institute, through which I realized that I still had the potential to learn new things, and indeed I would be a good student if I eventually go to law school. Second, it was ALC program. I gave lectures there, and realized I was actually a good teacher. If I could work myself up to have a good five-minute start, the whole lecture would be a breeze. Then I got an unpaid internship in a start-up. Then I got hooked up with a law school professor. I am going to be her RA for a while. Not only it paid quite well, but also it could lead to a very good recommendation letter for my future use and abuse. Not to mention that I am write a very good paper. I've tricked myself into thinking next Tuesday is the deadline. This afternoon, before I was cooking, I was writing that paper, halfway through it already. It could be a home-run.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
awesome trip
I was with my friend the whole day. We took caltrain all the way to SF. Lunch at fisherman's whalf. Then biked all the way to Sausalito. Took 1 and half hour kayaking. Back on bike, all the way to Tiburon. Took the ferry back. Took caltrain back. We both got sun-burned into raccoon faces.
I never expected that doing sports with a girl could be so much fun. But hey, she is gay, so what's so surprising?
I never expected that doing sports with a girl could be so much fun. But hey, she is gay, so what's so surprising?
Sunday, July 23, 2006
An album to admire
Of course, my album. It is my life since 2005
http://picasaweb.google.com/songhua
Here is the trick to do the photo album. 1. Download the newest version of picasa with web album function on google. 2) create an account on picasa web album. 3)organize you photo through picasa 4) everything else is streamlined.
http://picasaweb.google.com/songhua
Here is the trick to do the photo album. 1. Download the newest version of picasa with web album function on google. 2) create an account on picasa web album. 3)organize you photo through picasa 4) everything else is streamlined.
Friday, July 21, 2006
a video to view
So the business summer program is wrapping up. A lot has been learned, as it allows me to see a world never seen before from inside ivory tower. I wonder whether it is a career-changing event or just a blimp that falls along the roadside. Hey, check it out. I made this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhNGAY9WhvI for the summer program.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Continue: My friend (Yuphen)
It is easy to put off things and then just never look back. By escaping my best and worst memory, I maintain a sense of invincibility, pretending that I never cared to begin with. Yesterday we had a practice session of our final presentation for my summer school. I was video-taped again, and my teammates watched it and talked about it. It was quite a relief afterwards, because I could put this one behind. But more important, I think this time I got it, the secret of a nice presentation. The trick? Treating it as if you are talking to a friend. So here I go again, to continue my story with Yuphen. Like talking to a friend, I can forget that I am actually closely watched by my own consciousness.
So our streak of bumping into each other continues. It might be a little exaggurated by a love-struck me, forcefully interpreting random chances into pre-determined destiny. We kept studying together, and more importantly, taking study breaks together. McDonald's is our favorite place late night, because you can get unlimited refills for coffee. What can be more attractive than freebies for poor students like us? I would stare at her for long, and she would stare back. Usually I won the staring competition, and then she would ask, "what are you thinking?" For some people, it is easy question. But for me, everything has to be filtered through my rationality, I had a hard time to explain. She was not happy in some occations when I dodged the question by talking nonsense.
Once we had a compitition on how many cups of coffees we can drink. I do not remember who won, but I believe that I drank 6 cups. Back in my dorm, I had a hard to fall asleep, twisting and turning for 2 hours before a dream carried me away.
It was still Febuary. Winter in Beijing was cold and snow fell. Yuphen injured her feet when slipped on the way to get hot water for her dorm. We head out to the McDonald's again. The snow was still melting. It was freezing. I held Yuphen's hand for the first time, pretending that was for the sake of her injured feet. She did not refuse, and I did not back out. One old lady had a random conversation with us when we crossed the road. My face probably reddened for no reasons, like a kid joyful because he stole a cookie jar without being noticed. Yuphen seemed to be highly spirited, talking and smiling and laughing when the old lady asked about her injured feet.
So here I was. Being rejected a month before, I worked myself into being accepted. I still do not understand what went through her mind because she probably knew my little tricks along. However, on the flip side, I guess that's just the way people meet and have relationships. You have to take risks. Stupid things (what else?) can add up to show how you care.
Anyway, we did not declared that we were in a relationship, but both of us just accepted. I liked her ponytail a lot. It was straight and smooth. My finger went through it, or my head touched it. It is like when you go to a nice hotel and hit the premium mattress and swear that you just want to glue there forever. I gave her cheap flowers, picked fresh from the random school gardens. It might be offensive to my rural dormmates to claim that I was poor then, but I believed I was. Spending my parents's money from their meager salary was just not my style. So I had little tricks to entertain Yuphen, but never to outlandish. I think she enjoyed it.
We had long walks at night around the campus or outside of the campus when the weather got warmer. I saw love-struck young couples passing by, and felt lucky that I was one of them. Always holding hands, and eventually we had our first kiss. One night I recited a poem to her, "When I got old...", freshly learned from a literature class I was auditing that time. This seemed to leave a strong impression on her. Several years later she reminded me this event before I could remember myself.
One day before her birthday, I got two bottle of birthday spray-string things from a store. As usually, we had a long walk to plan for the next day. It seemed that both of us had classes, so probably we wre going to be good students as usual. When we walk over the overpass of the main road, I took out the spray bottles, shouting "happy birthday" and spray all sorts of string on her. Of course, eventually I passed her one bottle so we could have a fight on the overpass. Afterwards (It might happen another day actually, but it seemed fit better here anyway), we lean against the fender of the overpass and stared the millions of cars passing under us. We had some discussion about something. I am pretty bad in remembering our conversations, because most of them are not important at all. They came up just so we could spend more time together. We decided to skips the class the next day. Instead we went to Heaven's Temple.
That's why I still believed that Heaven's Temple is the most beautiful place in Beijing. We arrived there in the early moring. Spring was coming, and greens were everywhere. It was still wet on the ground, recovering from the previous night's frost. We walked through the quiet alley between the trees. People were exercising TaiJi. It was nothing like the city I experienced on a daily basis. So peaceful and quiet.
It was a good time for maybe 2 or 3 months. We biked to difference places to take pictures for photography class. We even biked for an hour to watch "Titanic" with the free tickets from her parents. We also watched "Fall the the Legend" together in the library. I did not like it at all. I did discover one more thing. I did not enjoying watching movie with her. I guess I was a very private person. I would be completely absorbed and cry by touching dramas when I watched movie alone. But when with her, I felt very distracted, probably too aware of her presence and did not want to be judged. Years later, I watched "Fall the the Legend" again, and loved it so much that I purchased the video and soundtrack.
But good time did not last long, as things began to go downhills very soon and eventually fell apart.
(to be continued...)
So our streak of bumping into each other continues. It might be a little exaggurated by a love-struck me, forcefully interpreting random chances into pre-determined destiny. We kept studying together, and more importantly, taking study breaks together. McDonald's is our favorite place late night, because you can get unlimited refills for coffee. What can be more attractive than freebies for poor students like us? I would stare at her for long, and she would stare back. Usually I won the staring competition, and then she would ask, "what are you thinking?" For some people, it is easy question. But for me, everything has to be filtered through my rationality, I had a hard time to explain. She was not happy in some occations when I dodged the question by talking nonsense.
Once we had a compitition on how many cups of coffees we can drink. I do not remember who won, but I believe that I drank 6 cups. Back in my dorm, I had a hard to fall asleep, twisting and turning for 2 hours before a dream carried me away.
It was still Febuary. Winter in Beijing was cold and snow fell. Yuphen injured her feet when slipped on the way to get hot water for her dorm. We head out to the McDonald's again. The snow was still melting. It was freezing. I held Yuphen's hand for the first time, pretending that was for the sake of her injured feet. She did not refuse, and I did not back out. One old lady had a random conversation with us when we crossed the road. My face probably reddened for no reasons, like a kid joyful because he stole a cookie jar without being noticed. Yuphen seemed to be highly spirited, talking and smiling and laughing when the old lady asked about her injured feet.
So here I was. Being rejected a month before, I worked myself into being accepted. I still do not understand what went through her mind because she probably knew my little tricks along. However, on the flip side, I guess that's just the way people meet and have relationships. You have to take risks. Stupid things (what else?) can add up to show how you care.
Anyway, we did not declared that we were in a relationship, but both of us just accepted. I liked her ponytail a lot. It was straight and smooth. My finger went through it, or my head touched it. It is like when you go to a nice hotel and hit the premium mattress and swear that you just want to glue there forever. I gave her cheap flowers, picked fresh from the random school gardens. It might be offensive to my rural dormmates to claim that I was poor then, but I believed I was. Spending my parents's money from their meager salary was just not my style. So I had little tricks to entertain Yuphen, but never to outlandish. I think she enjoyed it.
We had long walks at night around the campus or outside of the campus when the weather got warmer. I saw love-struck young couples passing by, and felt lucky that I was one of them. Always holding hands, and eventually we had our first kiss. One night I recited a poem to her, "When I got old...", freshly learned from a literature class I was auditing that time. This seemed to leave a strong impression on her. Several years later she reminded me this event before I could remember myself.
One day before her birthday, I got two bottle of birthday spray-string things from a store. As usually, we had a long walk to plan for the next day. It seemed that both of us had classes, so probably we wre going to be good students as usual. When we walk over the overpass of the main road, I took out the spray bottles, shouting "happy birthday" and spray all sorts of string on her. Of course, eventually I passed her one bottle so we could have a fight on the overpass. Afterwards (It might happen another day actually, but it seemed fit better here anyway), we lean against the fender of the overpass and stared the millions of cars passing under us. We had some discussion about something. I am pretty bad in remembering our conversations, because most of them are not important at all. They came up just so we could spend more time together. We decided to skips the class the next day. Instead we went to Heaven's Temple.
That's why I still believed that Heaven's Temple is the most beautiful place in Beijing. We arrived there in the early moring. Spring was coming, and greens were everywhere. It was still wet on the ground, recovering from the previous night's frost. We walked through the quiet alley between the trees. People were exercising TaiJi. It was nothing like the city I experienced on a daily basis. So peaceful and quiet.
It was a good time for maybe 2 or 3 months. We biked to difference places to take pictures for photography class. We even biked for an hour to watch "Titanic" with the free tickets from her parents. We also watched "Fall the the Legend" together in the library. I did not like it at all. I did discover one more thing. I did not enjoying watching movie with her. I guess I was a very private person. I would be completely absorbed and cry by touching dramas when I watched movie alone. But when with her, I felt very distracted, probably too aware of her presence and did not want to be judged. Years later, I watched "Fall the the Legend" again, and loved it so much that I purchased the video and soundtrack.
But good time did not last long, as things began to go downhills very soon and eventually fell apart.
(to be continued...)
MobiTV Visit
That is my first time trying "blogthis" function. Just want to see how it works. By the way, can you find me here?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Move out of terra
Sorry that I haven't blogged for a while. I moved out my beloved co-op a couple of weeks ago. I was house-sitting for ten days afterwards. I stayed with the depressed wife for a couple of days before she also took off. They had a dog called "Ringo". It was a very stupid and spoiled dog. One day I had to prepared some chicken and rice for the dog because he went on a hunger strike. I was tough, but he had to take one medicine with stomach full. As much as I wanted to teach him a lesson, I did not want him to die in my hand.
Now I live in a graduate apartment. The summer institute at b-school kept me busy day in and day out. I learned quite a lot about business and whatnot. I also started to EA in Chi Theta Chi, my summer residence last year. I just had a delicious fish dinner half an hour ago.
Some more twists about my future plan. I finally decided to be on F-1 status for one more year. Switching visa is much much a hassle, and using OPT time is not only time-consuming but also wasteful, because I might need it in the future if things do not work out. I am heading to Montreal Canada for an academic conference. This will be my second foreign country that I ever visit.
I have some graduation photos on my laptop. I will upload one or two very soon.
Now I live in a graduate apartment. The summer institute at b-school kept me busy day in and day out. I learned quite a lot about business and whatnot. I also started to EA in Chi Theta Chi, my summer residence last year. I just had a delicious fish dinner half an hour ago.
Some more twists about my future plan. I finally decided to be on F-1 status for one more year. Switching visa is much much a hassle, and using OPT time is not only time-consuming but also wasteful, because I might need it in the future if things do not work out. I am heading to Montreal Canada for an academic conference. This will be my second foreign country that I ever visit.
I have some graduation photos on my laptop. I will upload one or two very soon.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Life is a baseball game?
People like to use metopher to talk about life. Sometimes you hear too much about it, it becomes criche. For example, life is a river, life is a box of chocolate, life is a struggle, etc.. But sometimes you have to wonder: who was the first person to come up with the metopher and how did he/she feel when he/she came up with that? It probably was based on real experiences, with which I believe that the metopher cannot fit better.
So this is how I feel right now: Life is a baseball game. You have to go up and keep swinging. You are lucky if you get a single once a while. Sometimes you hit a homerun. Congratulation. And most of the time you will just be struck out. Big deal. When you are out in the field, you have a chance. When you sit on the bench, you are just safe. So which one do you want to be?
I guess I was out on the field swinging this year. Some major disappointments, and i do not want to hide how disappointed I am. However, small good news also accumulating, makes me hopefully of what is going to happy next year, or even in two months. I am not in the mood of summarize all these here for the time being, because I am very busy and will be so for the next two months. But be patient, readers. While being struck out was part of life, I will let you know if I am lucky to steal a base some day. I will describe to you all the cracks of the bat, all the pops of the grove, and all the whooshing sound of the wind.
So this is how I feel right now: Life is a baseball game. You have to go up and keep swinging. You are lucky if you get a single once a while. Sometimes you hit a homerun. Congratulation. And most of the time you will just be struck out. Big deal. When you are out in the field, you have a chance. When you sit on the bench, you are just safe. So which one do you want to be?
I guess I was out on the field swinging this year. Some major disappointments, and i do not want to hide how disappointed I am. However, small good news also accumulating, makes me hopefully of what is going to happy next year, or even in two months. I am not in the mood of summarize all these here for the time being, because I am very busy and will be so for the next two months. But be patient, readers. While being struck out was part of life, I will let you know if I am lucky to steal a base some day. I will describe to you all the cracks of the bat, all the pops of the grove, and all the whooshing sound of the wind.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
My dad is going for visa!
It is 8am in China, June 5. My dad is going to apply for his visa. Good luck!
Friday, June 02, 2006
My friend (Yuphen)
Yes, I have not forgot my promise of finishing all the 26 friends. Now only Wondra and Yuphen left. Let me have a try on Yuphen. I always worry about whether I can give Yuphen a fair assessment at all. Too many things are too personal. Hiding them would hurt the blog, and disclosing them would infringe on privacy with a biased perspective. Well, let me at least try....
Yuphen was my girlfriend. My love interest in my only serious relationship up to day. It happened 8 years ago, and I called it off eventually. Relationship turned out to be too taxing for my young mind. To be honest, courtship was a mating game that people (animals) have been playing for thousands of year, or now I know. However, while I was in the relationship, I was caught in surprise by how much attention and devotion I had to commit, and I burned out. I burned out so badly that even to today I cannot emotionally relate to her. No anger, no regret, no love, no pity. Two days ago, she emailed me that she resigtered for a marriage. I felt nothing, nothing at all, not even a pinch of "what if", but a shit load of half-assed "I wish you happy".
It is sad that our relationship collapsed after 6 months, and it is even sadder that it still gives me lingering bad taste. For this, I have no one to blame but myself, so I take pity on myself for still being in the singletown and being an emotionless asshole. But deep-down, I know I used to be passionate, romantic, caring and brave to expose my own vulnerability. And I also know that Yuphen used to see the best side of me.
It started quite accidental. In sophomore year, we were studying for the finals in the same radio station studio. We took study breaks together, seemingly enjoying ourselves to be study buddies. Not too many similarities to pull use together, but two things stand out: working in the radio station and a shared aspiration of being a great journalist. I still remember one day we were study in two rooms only seperated by a glass wall. During the study break, we began to draw cartoon pictures and funny comments with inks on the glass. The other side could see through but could not erase. So a war of cartoon drawing erupted on the glass wall. We surely shared a good laughter together.
Some time during the winter break, I decided to pursue her. I want to emphasized the "decide" here, because it really came up as a decision to me when I lied on my bed one night, thinking and analyzing. I could not remember what exactly went through my mind, but it was mainly about the thought that I needed to have a girlfriend. Subcounsciously to me that time, however, I first discovered the enjoyment of connecting with a girl. Human females were wonderful species: they are soft, they are kind, they are less judgmental. By the way, I was also biologically programmed to like their body shape, their scent, their pitch, everything. Hey, why I need guy friends at all if I could be with Yuphen?
Well, I started this blog two weeks ago, but I did not come back until now. As if I tried to avoid writing it. When it started, Yuphen told me that she had registered for a marriage. A couple of days ago, I got her wedding photos. Time flies, scenes change, only I still stay in the same place, as if a sudden and short starvation stopped my growth forever. Well, let me continue the story with Yuphen....
So the winter break was over. I went back in Beijing on Feb 13. I planned to give her a surprise by visiting her home on Valentine's day. After I arrived nearby, I tried to give her a call. Her mom picked up the phone, saying Yuphen was out with a friend, presumably a guy. I was quite disappointed.
Several days later, school restarted. We met each other again in the radio station. Still hanging out like friends, although both she and I knew something else were going on. One night we took a long walk together. I planned to confess, but I just did not have enough courage. So I asked her to walk a circle and circle again around the dorm areas. It got really late, and it was now or never. So I did it. My heart beat got so fast that it almost blocked my breathing rhythm. She calmed me down. We sat on the steps. Now I felt the freezing temporature that conducted itself through the cement of the steps, through my pants and all the way to my butt and the rest. I believe I shivered somewhat. She then told me how it was impossible. She was not ready, blah, blah, blah. It was like the TV talk from romantic drama, and I was crushed.
It was probably my first encounter with depression, only that I did not realize it then. I felt the life in general was quite meaningless. I drank much more. I hid myself in the basement and smoke one cigarette after another. I even once called the "help hotline" of China Youth Daily, although I am still not sure up to today whether it was necessity or it was I that wanted to act up. Anyway, things actually turned out brighter than I could expected. I was persistent in pursuing her. I do not know why I did not take "no" as "no": either I really cared for her, or I believed that persistence was how you get a girl. That's the first bomb in our short relationship, because later I was not sure whether she cared for me or she was just moved by my persistence.
We still remained friends. That period was very strange, because I kept bumping into her randomly. Twice, we were seated together in big classrooms by the most random assignment. If you believed in fate, where else you should look for it. I was not superstitious, but we was quite perplexed. This actually became our continuous conversation topic, better than any ice-breakers.
(To be continued..)
Yuphen was my girlfriend. My love interest in my only serious relationship up to day. It happened 8 years ago, and I called it off eventually. Relationship turned out to be too taxing for my young mind. To be honest, courtship was a mating game that people (animals) have been playing for thousands of year, or now I know. However, while I was in the relationship, I was caught in surprise by how much attention and devotion I had to commit, and I burned out. I burned out so badly that even to today I cannot emotionally relate to her. No anger, no regret, no love, no pity. Two days ago, she emailed me that she resigtered for a marriage. I felt nothing, nothing at all, not even a pinch of "what if", but a shit load of half-assed "I wish you happy".
It is sad that our relationship collapsed after 6 months, and it is even sadder that it still gives me lingering bad taste. For this, I have no one to blame but myself, so I take pity on myself for still being in the singletown and being an emotionless asshole. But deep-down, I know I used to be passionate, romantic, caring and brave to expose my own vulnerability. And I also know that Yuphen used to see the best side of me.
It started quite accidental. In sophomore year, we were studying for the finals in the same radio station studio. We took study breaks together, seemingly enjoying ourselves to be study buddies. Not too many similarities to pull use together, but two things stand out: working in the radio station and a shared aspiration of being a great journalist. I still remember one day we were study in two rooms only seperated by a glass wall. During the study break, we began to draw cartoon pictures and funny comments with inks on the glass. The other side could see through but could not erase. So a war of cartoon drawing erupted on the glass wall. We surely shared a good laughter together.
Some time during the winter break, I decided to pursue her. I want to emphasized the "decide" here, because it really came up as a decision to me when I lied on my bed one night, thinking and analyzing. I could not remember what exactly went through my mind, but it was mainly about the thought that I needed to have a girlfriend. Subcounsciously to me that time, however, I first discovered the enjoyment of connecting with a girl. Human females were wonderful species: they are soft, they are kind, they are less judgmental. By the way, I was also biologically programmed to like their body shape, their scent, their pitch, everything. Hey, why I need guy friends at all if I could be with Yuphen?
Well, I started this blog two weeks ago, but I did not come back until now. As if I tried to avoid writing it. When it started, Yuphen told me that she had registered for a marriage. A couple of days ago, I got her wedding photos. Time flies, scenes change, only I still stay in the same place, as if a sudden and short starvation stopped my growth forever. Well, let me continue the story with Yuphen....
So the winter break was over. I went back in Beijing on Feb 13. I planned to give her a surprise by visiting her home on Valentine's day. After I arrived nearby, I tried to give her a call. Her mom picked up the phone, saying Yuphen was out with a friend, presumably a guy. I was quite disappointed.
Several days later, school restarted. We met each other again in the radio station. Still hanging out like friends, although both she and I knew something else were going on. One night we took a long walk together. I planned to confess, but I just did not have enough courage. So I asked her to walk a circle and circle again around the dorm areas. It got really late, and it was now or never. So I did it. My heart beat got so fast that it almost blocked my breathing rhythm. She calmed me down. We sat on the steps. Now I felt the freezing temporature that conducted itself through the cement of the steps, through my pants and all the way to my butt and the rest. I believe I shivered somewhat. She then told me how it was impossible. She was not ready, blah, blah, blah. It was like the TV talk from romantic drama, and I was crushed.
It was probably my first encounter with depression, only that I did not realize it then. I felt the life in general was quite meaningless. I drank much more. I hid myself in the basement and smoke one cigarette after another. I even once called the "help hotline" of China Youth Daily, although I am still not sure up to today whether it was necessity or it was I that wanted to act up. Anyway, things actually turned out brighter than I could expected. I was persistent in pursuing her. I do not know why I did not take "no" as "no": either I really cared for her, or I believed that persistence was how you get a girl. That's the first bomb in our short relationship, because later I was not sure whether she cared for me or she was just moved by my persistence.
We still remained friends. That period was very strange, because I kept bumping into her randomly. Twice, we were seated together in big classrooms by the most random assignment. If you believed in fate, where else you should look for it. I was not superstitious, but we was quite perplexed. This actually became our continuous conversation topic, better than any ice-breakers.
(To be continued..)
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