Hi, I guess the dance performance must keep me excited, so I want to write down how I felt in the past 24 hours. Last night it was very exciting. In the bed, my brain ran through almost the whole piece. Surprised by how clear my memory is. I seemed to be able to remember every small details of it. That was my best performance ever, I think.
When I got up this morning, Hope's flowers are still in the vase (actually, a beer pitcher), blossoming like wanting to show the world how brilliant the color of blue could be like. The flower really had a strange shape, having three padels and three other small padels. I imagine the flower as Hope herself, seeing me to manage a new bright day. Strange enough, I am so easy to be attached to female teacher, director or choreographer. In high school it is Gu Yuebo, and in college it is Gao Shen, and now it is Hope. I still not be able to figure that part of me out. Maybe I felt all the male mentor is too threatening, so that I never admitted they were my mentors. For females, it is easier for me to cave in and say, you've really helped me.
Anyway, come back to my day. I guess I said good morning Hope. I felt very exhausted. I am happy I felt that way, because Gao Shen used to tell that if you have a brilliant performance, the exhaustion is the prove. She predicted that I will fell that one day. See, history will come together eventually, and I am happy about the cohesiveness of my story, as the old ghost will come back to remind what a good life I will be leading to.
I went to dance class, and felt my body was free. I had a very nice conversation with paul, and I think I am a very good friend of him now. I feel I can pass the good energy to him, especailly when he is down. We jogged to the Dish and back. I then jogged more, felt much energy.
I then tried to start my dissertation proposal, but procrastination creeped in (See, I am writing blogs). But you know what, I can handle that, because I eblieve I am able to manage my life expert from now on.
By the way, I saw the girl again today. I included her email address in my mass-email invitation. I hope she would come, but she did not. Well, not so surprising. I stared at her and waved my hand, smiling. I guess I made a good gesture, and I feel I am fine right now. So many good things happening in my life right now, so that I can tolerate the only imperfection. i do not know what she is thinking, but I guess that's her problem now. I hope she will try to talk to me soon. I guess my last thought is quite shameful, as if that is my triumph. But I did think that way, so I am not going to erase it.
Some days passed by just like today, and I hope it is every day.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
performance night
It is the performance night. I have a great time. I think I danced the peice beautifully, and now I am still in the "high" brought by the performance. I had a hugging record tonight, because I hugged at least 10 people. Human contact really works wonders, because it is good for your soul.
The only regret is that I did not write too much on Hope card. I guess I should. She is a wonderful dancer and choreographer. In her card to me, she said we are friends now. I definitely want to agree, because she is great. I do not want to bother her too much, but I will definitely talk to her once more before I leave Stanford. Yes, Hope, we are friends now. Good night, and have a safe trip to New York tomorrow.
And all the friends keep me going on my journey. And with them, the journey is more enjoyable.
The only regret is that I did not write too much on Hope card. I guess I should. She is a wonderful dancer and choreographer. In her card to me, she said we are friends now. I definitely want to agree, because she is great. I do not want to bother her too much, but I will definitely talk to her once more before I leave Stanford. Yes, Hope, we are friends now. Good night, and have a safe trip to New York tomorrow.
And all the friends keep me going on my journey. And with them, the journey is more enjoyable.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Also
We had a great special dinner tonight. I dressed in my Hawaii shirt, and just fit in. We might got more drinks tonight, although I think I wouldn't overdrink since I am performing tomorrow.
I believe I had a system to cope with issues now. I remember this morning is so so. Then I took a walk, drank tea, talked to people, went to gym and then went to shopping. Now I feel great. I am heading out to the dance studio for the tech tonight.
Hooray!
I believe I had a system to cope with issues now. I remember this morning is so so. Then I took a walk, drank tea, talked to people, went to gym and then went to shopping. Now I feel great. I am heading out to the dance studio for the tech tonight.
Hooray!
A new blog
Since now I am updating the blog so infrequently, I guess I can call each new post as "a new blog" without boring my readers to death.
Yesterday I crashed my bike into a curb, which started off my great day. I walked to school, very pleasant. I sang along with Counting Crows from my ipod on the way, believing that's one of my best days. I head cooked for the co-op, with a chinese-style menu. It is a blast, or so I believe. I invited a couple of friends over, but then I left most of them and talked to my friend CM. Somehow, I found her very attractive, especially the string hair of hair hanging from her forehead. We had a very nice conversation.
After she left, I joined my neighbor's conversion for a minute. They asked me about the girl, and I was a little flushed. I even asked them whether they think the girl likes me. You know, that's the first time I asked this kind of question (maybe I lied here, because I couldn't remember). I felt very open, and my attitude was well received by my neighbors, or so I believe.
I have a dance performance coming up. I feel I am so really. My body is loose and my heart is open. I am in my best dance mood now.
It is also possible I will get a date for watching merce cumminghan company performance next month. Look out.
Tomorrow, I am going to pick up Antony's bike from Victor's place. Should be another beautiful day.
Yesterday I crashed my bike into a curb, which started off my great day. I walked to school, very pleasant. I sang along with Counting Crows from my ipod on the way, believing that's one of my best days. I head cooked for the co-op, with a chinese-style menu. It is a blast, or so I believe. I invited a couple of friends over, but then I left most of them and talked to my friend CM. Somehow, I found her very attractive, especially the string hair of hair hanging from her forehead. We had a very nice conversation.
After she left, I joined my neighbor's conversion for a minute. They asked me about the girl, and I was a little flushed. I even asked them whether they think the girl likes me. You know, that's the first time I asked this kind of question (maybe I lied here, because I couldn't remember). I felt very open, and my attitude was well received by my neighbors, or so I believe.
I have a dance performance coming up. I feel I am so really. My body is loose and my heart is open. I am in my best dance mood now.
It is also possible I will get a date for watching merce cumminghan company performance next month. Look out.
Tomorrow, I am going to pick up Antony's bike from Victor's place. Should be another beautiful day.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
surplus of happines
What should I do with that? I am so happy these days that it runs a surplus recently. hehe!
questioning my sexuality
Ok, I wrote down the title two weeks ago, but the decided to save it as draft for later discussions. I guess today is today. And I also guess this post is one of the most provocative of all.
I wonder how many Chinese people ever did that. For me, I have to do it because of my chronical failture in getting a romantic relationship with girls. If you are 27 and have only one brief relationship which stopped at the level of kissing, you'd better think about it. At least I do, partly thanks to the gay & lesbian theme dorm I am living in.
So am I gay? No. For most people, it is out of the question, because they have the prove of a stable relationship. For me, it is not that simple. It is just like your self-confidence will be gone if you do not have any concrete achievements. So I searched the web to see how people found out they were gay. Nothing fit me. Besides, I know I am sexually aroused by females rather than males, if you know what I mean here.
After clarifying that, the rest of the discussion is easy. I guess my sexuality is highly oppressed by the formal education in China. For example, I feel I have internalized the norms that if you hit on a girl, you are a bad guy. If you dance like a sexual animal, you are a bad guy. Stuff like that. I believe I am a highly self-controling person, but I just cannot steering myself away from this early internalization.
But you know what, something is changing slowly, I believe. The dance class, it turns out. I begin to feel liberated to do all sorts of movements, feminine or masculine. I am no longer shamed to do feminine movements, which I felt would hurt my maleness before. I am also no longer ashamed to do masculine movements, which I felt before was a bad guy's way to attract females. So I guess I am on the way out of my cocoon. By the way, a girl in the dance class approached me asking my name today, and I was flattered. I mean, not that i will like her or she will like me, but it is nice to know that your sexual existence is noticed by people around.
I wonder how many Chinese people ever did that. For me, I have to do it because of my chronical failture in getting a romantic relationship with girls. If you are 27 and have only one brief relationship which stopped at the level of kissing, you'd better think about it. At least I do, partly thanks to the gay & lesbian theme dorm I am living in.
So am I gay? No. For most people, it is out of the question, because they have the prove of a stable relationship. For me, it is not that simple. It is just like your self-confidence will be gone if you do not have any concrete achievements. So I searched the web to see how people found out they were gay. Nothing fit me. Besides, I know I am sexually aroused by females rather than males, if you know what I mean here.
After clarifying that, the rest of the discussion is easy. I guess my sexuality is highly oppressed by the formal education in China. For example, I feel I have internalized the norms that if you hit on a girl, you are a bad guy. If you dance like a sexual animal, you are a bad guy. Stuff like that. I believe I am a highly self-controling person, but I just cannot steering myself away from this early internalization.
But you know what, something is changing slowly, I believe. The dance class, it turns out. I begin to feel liberated to do all sorts of movements, feminine or masculine. I am no longer shamed to do feminine movements, which I felt would hurt my maleness before. I am also no longer ashamed to do masculine movements, which I felt before was a bad guy's way to attract females. So I guess I am on the way out of my cocoon. By the way, a girl in the dance class approached me asking my name today, and I was flattered. I mean, not that i will like her or she will like me, but it is nice to know that your sexual existence is noticed by people around.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
a summary
I am quite busy recently, so no time for blog. Here I post an email I sent to a friend. It is a summary of my life since last quarter. Nothing new if you have been following my blogs. Here you go.
A lot of my stories were described there, and I feel almost sorry to summerize themhere, because the summary will totally wipe out how I felt right at that moment and small details which probably would have lasting effects. Anyway, I will try to summarize to you anyway.
Last quarter was very difficult to me (I am still not sure how wellI've recovered since. Maybe 100%, maybe 50%, who knows). I ran into big troubles in writing dissertation, and then I found I really liked a girl who was my good friend that time. My impression was that she did not have a boyfriend, so I let her know. But it turned out her had one. This made me very embarrassed. At the same time, the trip last summer I saw some troubles back home that made me angry.... Things added up, and I began to find that I was losing control of my life. So I went to phychological counselling, for nine weeks. I am still not sure how much help it gave to me, but I surely began to reflect on the past 4 years andbegin to gain an objective view about myself and my expectations.
Anyway, back to the girl story. Not much happened after that. Both of us attempted to be good friends again, and things kept falling apart. We met once late last quarter and had a nice conversation over lunch, but I felt very bad afterwards. So I gave up on initiating any meetings in thef uture. I still ran into her once a while on campus now, but I do not think I like her any more. How can I keep liking her if she does not like back? But still, some barriers have been set between us, and we can no longer go back to the relationship we had before. I feel a little sad about it, but I decided to let it go.
So it seems that my life took a small splash and now is back to theground zero. But I tend to see it otherwise. I learn some strategies of coping stresses, and also better ideas of who I am. I also feel good that I let the girl know about my feeling. I am sad that things do not work out in the end as I would like to, but at least I've explore the possibilities. I believe I am a quite different person from the one before. But of course, time is the only one who can judge whether the last statement is true or not.
A lot of my stories were described there, and I feel almost sorry to summerize themhere, because the summary will totally wipe out how I felt right at that moment and small details which probably would have lasting effects. Anyway, I will try to summarize to you anyway.
Last quarter was very difficult to me (I am still not sure how wellI've recovered since. Maybe 100%, maybe 50%, who knows). I ran into big troubles in writing dissertation, and then I found I really liked a girl who was my good friend that time. My impression was that she did not have a boyfriend, so I let her know. But it turned out her had one. This made me very embarrassed. At the same time, the trip last summer I saw some troubles back home that made me angry.... Things added up, and I began to find that I was losing control of my life. So I went to phychological counselling, for nine weeks. I am still not sure how much help it gave to me, but I surely began to reflect on the past 4 years andbegin to gain an objective view about myself and my expectations.
Anyway, back to the girl story. Not much happened after that. Both of us attempted to be good friends again, and things kept falling apart. We met once late last quarter and had a nice conversation over lunch, but I felt very bad afterwards. So I gave up on initiating any meetings in thef uture. I still ran into her once a while on campus now, but I do not think I like her any more. How can I keep liking her if she does not like back? But still, some barriers have been set between us, and we can no longer go back to the relationship we had before. I feel a little sad about it, but I decided to let it go.
So it seems that my life took a small splash and now is back to theground zero. But I tend to see it otherwise. I learn some strategies of coping stresses, and also better ideas of who I am. I also feel good that I let the girl know about my feeling. I am sad that things do not work out in the end as I would like to, but at least I've explore the possibilities. I believe I am a quite different person from the one before. But of course, time is the only one who can judge whether the last statement is true or not.
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