Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
So what's up today?
I actually recovered a little bit since yesterday. I now set up a light morning workout of 15 minutes in my bedroom. Just want to put myself together before I set out to see anyone. I mean, depression is now so real to me that I will have enough motivation to stick with it.
But I went to visit a professional anyway today. It was a great experience. I basically went through my feelings with the help of her (oh, let's call her "Marissa") questions. I realized that I am very angry about my family that raised me. I think they could do better. On the other hand, I also felt a little guilty since I did not do enough to help them.
We set up a weekly meeting, probably throughout this quarter. Some sort of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which I do not really understand, but will be more than happy to go for it.
The rest of the day, I am just doing great.
Moral lesson: depression is real. I am happy that I saught professional help before I sinked too deep into the hole. Be open. The therapy probably won't help much, I guess, but seeking for it will heal you half way.
But I went to visit a professional anyway today. It was a great experience. I basically went through my feelings with the help of her (oh, let's call her "Marissa") questions. I realized that I am very angry about my family that raised me. I think they could do better. On the other hand, I also felt a little guilty since I did not do enough to help them.
We set up a weekly meeting, probably throughout this quarter. Some sort of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which I do not really understand, but will be more than happy to go for it.
The rest of the day, I am just doing great.
Moral lesson: depression is real. I am happy that I saught professional help before I sinked too deep into the hole. Be open. The therapy probably won't help much, I guess, but seeking for it will heal you half way.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
oh no.......
I suspect I am suffering from a minor version of depression since I came back from China. I just realized it today. When I looked online about the sympton of depression, it fits quite well. What's more, I worried that the depression has been there for a while, only having got worse when I experienced a sudden change from China.
I may seek professional help tomorrow, but I will try to deal with it by myself today to see how it goes.
.....
A follow-up. I called medical center for an assessment appointment, and I am feeling better already. I guess I've denied the disorder for such a long time that just admitting it has a healing function. The appointment is tomorrow, and I will see how it goes.
By the way, the girl emailed me back today, and I feel a little happier.
......
Well, that is the third time I am updating this thread. And my mood swing like crazy in the meanwhile. The moment when "depression" came into my mind I hit the deep bottom, and now I am recovering. It does not mean it is a fake depression. No, it is as real as the keyboard in front of me. The difference is that now I know what I am up against.
I may seek professional help tomorrow, but I will try to deal with it by myself today to see how it goes.
.....
A follow-up. I called medical center for an assessment appointment, and I am feeling better already. I guess I've denied the disorder for such a long time that just admitting it has a healing function. The appointment is tomorrow, and I will see how it goes.
By the way, the girl emailed me back today, and I feel a little happier.
......
Well, that is the third time I am updating this thread. And my mood swing like crazy in the meanwhile. The moment when "depression" came into my mind I hit the deep bottom, and now I am recovering. It does not mean it is a fake depression. No, it is as real as the keyboard in front of me. The difference is that now I know what I am up against.
Monday, September 27, 2004
another blog
I thought I would put the following thoughts in the previous blog, but then I decided to create a new thread in case people do not have the patience to plough through a extremely long blog.
I feel a little bit down since I came back. Two things bother me:
1. I feel my dissertation can be easily assembled right now. I have the theme, and I have red a lot of relevant literature. But am I just lazy or something? I just do not put any effort to try to put them together. By October 1st, I have to have something, I promise.
2. Maybe I feel in love again these days, but why the thoughts of it are so depressive? I hope it is just because the current stage of uncertainty. This girl makes me feel so comfortable to talk about myself. So intention or motivation to impress. I just want to tell her my family, my experience, my feeling, my everything...... and listen to her stories (or maybe I am still a good listener yet). I am still a little confused of what it is and what I should do next, but I do not want to miss the chance of being with her, for a while or for the rest of my life. By the way, is she reading my blogs now? Just kidding:-)
Ok, dissertation time. I am in the library now. Why it is so cold here? I should put a jacket here in the futre.
I feel a little bit down since I came back. Two things bother me:
1. I feel my dissertation can be easily assembled right now. I have the theme, and I have red a lot of relevant literature. But am I just lazy or something? I just do not put any effort to try to put them together. By October 1st, I have to have something, I promise.
2. Maybe I feel in love again these days, but why the thoughts of it are so depressive? I hope it is just because the current stage of uncertainty. This girl makes me feel so comfortable to talk about myself. So intention or motivation to impress. I just want to tell her my family, my experience, my feeling, my everything...... and listen to her stories (or maybe I am still a good listener yet). I am still a little confused of what it is and what I should do next, but I do not want to miss the chance of being with her, for a while or for the rest of my life. By the way, is she reading my blogs now? Just kidding:-)
Ok, dissertation time. I am in the library now. Why it is so cold here? I should put a jacket here in the futre.
back from China
Hi, my friend. I have been back from China trip. It was a fun trip. I will load some pictures if I feel like it in the next several weeks, but uploading pictures or even blogging could not express half of my appreciation of this trip.
I definitely know Prof. Walder better now. A great person indeed.
I met four college friends I had seen for 4 years. None of their life stories surprised me. Some of them are still confused, but hey, who cares. I am confused too.
Of course, my family too. I finally have to admit that I have a quite dysfunctional family. Not that I will love them less because of that. But I am sad nonetheless and feel lucky that I am now thousands miles away. I tried to do my best to listen, to heal some accumulating wounds over the years, but I almost doubt my sincerity for doing that. It is very easy for me to escape from the mess (as I am doing right now) and say,"see, I did the best". But does that reduce my sense of guilt by leaving my family behind?
I definitely know Prof. Walder better now. A great person indeed.
I met four college friends I had seen for 4 years. None of their life stories surprised me. Some of them are still confused, but hey, who cares. I am confused too.
Of course, my family too. I finally have to admit that I have a quite dysfunctional family. Not that I will love them less because of that. But I am sad nonetheless and feel lucky that I am now thousands miles away. I tried to do my best to listen, to heal some accumulating wounds over the years, but I almost doubt my sincerity for doing that. It is very easy for me to escape from the mess (as I am doing right now) and say,"see, I did the best". But does that reduce my sense of guilt by leaving my family behind?
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