I am finally leaving for Boston tomorrow. These days it feels weird. Sometimes I am in a high, which makes feel that I can do everything just right. However, sometimes I feel in a low, which pretty much mimic my feeling when I just first started the blogging three years ago, when I moved out my beloved co-op house.
Time passes, and things move on. I still remember a famous long poem called "Fu Shi De". In that one, the main character signed a contract with the devil. According to the contract, the character will have the super power to do everything. But if he says, "It is so beautiful. Time, please stop." Then the devil will take his heart away. I think now I would rather like to have time to stop, then I can just see the familiar people, eat the familiar food, no fear about the future (since there is no future if the time stops). However, I have to move on, with great expectations from myself and from my friends and family.
Really think about it, this move is as significant as the move I made when I first came to the united states. It was almost surreal to me -- a dream turned to a reality only when my feet finally touched the soil of the states. Now it is the time again to feel nostalgia, feel that the things I have now are, and will always be, better than anything I am going to encounter in the future.
I have also decided to let my friends to know this blog. This way, if they are interested in what's happening to me, they can always just check this one out. Since I am leaving, I will not feel embarrassed to let them know my deepest fear, my unexpected vulnerability and my rather complicated personality. The only thing I request is: please do not link to my blog, because I would hate to see my blog site got pushed up in Google search. Thanks.
Well, it is time to say good bye. I rarely quote other peoples, but I cannot resist to put Madonna's "Take a Bow" here, since it is rather fitting (By the way, Madonna is one of the pop stars I highly respect. She is a great person):
Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]
Friday, June 29, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
My Crushes (III)
Of course I have not forgot that. Here is the third installment.
Right after I broke up with my girlfriend back in college, it felt quite weird. One minute you had someone special to share your fear and vulnerability, and a minute later you had to face the harsh world on your own. Unconsciously seeking the conform and care from another human being, I began my third crush.
She was in the acting group with me. Let me call her Benty here. Benty struck me as very professional from th every beginning. She was from Beijing, always a student cadre. She was short, but was able to lead people effortlessly. She had a great personality, always happy. She acted always in a socially appropriate way. In a word, she had all the qualities that I admired and secretly hoped that I had them all.
There is one thing I have never understood. After I broke up with my girlfriend, I became obsessed with Benty. Things began to escalate, all in my mind of course, all the way to the point that I had to confess my feeling to her. Obviously, she sensed my obsession at some point. I could not remember exactly, but I must have made some annoying phone calls to her. One night I called her again, asking whether she would like to talk (liao liao). She told me that she was out, so she could not talk to me. I said okey. A minute later I saw her right in my dorm building, preparing with her debate team. (Actually, I did not see her exactly, but I saw her back with the shiny hair clipper. Until today, if you line up 1000 hair clippers in front of me, I can still recognize THAT hair clipper in one second.) I got quite furious. I called her room, and asked her roommate to tell her to give me a call no matter how later she came back.
She finally called later that night and asked what's up. I was like, "not much, would you like to talk?" "I am tired," she said. I insisted, so she finally agreed to come down. We walked around the dorm building a couple of time. I did not confess, of course, since I was too coward in front of a super-capable girl. I think I just talked random stuff, to kill the time. Finally, she said she needed to go sleep. I said okey. She extended her hand to me, "We are still friends, right?" I shook her hand, "of course.... Oh, wait, one more thing." I searched in my pocket and took out a pile of used phone cards. I had been collecting those for a while, because once she told me that she was collecting those. It was a big pile for me, as I begged my friends to give me their used phone cards for three months. She took them and left. I went back to my dorm. I climbed all the way to the roof and cried very hard, so hard that I had some trouble breathing, so hard that it reminded me my childhood, when I was named "crying king" by my dear Niangniang and surrounding neighbors.
Then that is it. I emerged from it quickly, seemingly unscratched but probably hurt deeply. In retrospect, I began to show less emotion and exert more self-control, right from that point on. The only time that I allowed my feeling towards her to take over is when we finished a drama project and all went out drinking. I got very drunk, and so did she. On our way back, I shouted, "I want to walk with XXXX (XXXX is the name of Benty's character in the drama)." So Benty and I got side by side, our arms around each other's should or waist, walking back to the dorm, very drunken. I kid you not, that night I saw a bike on a tree, probably someone's practical joke. The whole group walked from this side of the campus to the other side, and nobody wanted to go back to sleep. So we walked out of the campus and marched on the street. It was that time that alcohol overwhelmed me, and the following was the recount by my friends (I was blacked out): we walked further. We sang loudly. We got on each other's back and one carried each other. I do not know whether I got a chance to carry Benty. I was to shy to ask my friends about that. But chances are that I did. According to my friends, I did not do anything silly.
Benty and I were in the same acting group for the remainder of our college years. I acted as if this episode never had happened. We treated each other with respect and care. We were indeed good friends. Pure friendship, I would say. We were in the senior project together. I played one of the main male character, and Benty played the mom of the other main male character. I had the videotape of the play (Unfortunately, I accidentally threw that away two months ago when I moved apartment. Regret).
Several years after I came to the states, I heard that she got married to a Chinese student in the US. They met online. I actually looked at his webpage and saw their wedding photos. Talk about stalking. Later the rumor is that she started an undergraduate program in that university. Soon the webpage was pulled off, and I lost her info ever since.
To my surprise, writing this entry is quite a pleasant experience for me (I thought it would be otherwise, which is why I have been delaying this writing). I think I learned quite a bit about myself, the self that I have long forgotten. I actually rediscovered that I was such an obsessive and unreasonable person back then. Also, selfish. Now I am heading to yet the very opposite: Extremely reasonable, rational, not care to much about everything. I do not know which one is actually a better version of me.
Right after I broke up with my girlfriend back in college, it felt quite weird. One minute you had someone special to share your fear and vulnerability, and a minute later you had to face the harsh world on your own. Unconsciously seeking the conform and care from another human being, I began my third crush.
She was in the acting group with me. Let me call her Benty here. Benty struck me as very professional from th every beginning. She was from Beijing, always a student cadre. She was short, but was able to lead people effortlessly. She had a great personality, always happy. She acted always in a socially appropriate way. In a word, she had all the qualities that I admired and secretly hoped that I had them all.
There is one thing I have never understood. After I broke up with my girlfriend, I became obsessed with Benty. Things began to escalate, all in my mind of course, all the way to the point that I had to confess my feeling to her. Obviously, she sensed my obsession at some point. I could not remember exactly, but I must have made some annoying phone calls to her. One night I called her again, asking whether she would like to talk (liao liao). She told me that she was out, so she could not talk to me. I said okey. A minute later I saw her right in my dorm building, preparing with her debate team. (Actually, I did not see her exactly, but I saw her back with the shiny hair clipper. Until today, if you line up 1000 hair clippers in front of me, I can still recognize THAT hair clipper in one second.) I got quite furious. I called her room, and asked her roommate to tell her to give me a call no matter how later she came back.
She finally called later that night and asked what's up. I was like, "not much, would you like to talk?" "I am tired," she said. I insisted, so she finally agreed to come down. We walked around the dorm building a couple of time. I did not confess, of course, since I was too coward in front of a super-capable girl. I think I just talked random stuff, to kill the time. Finally, she said she needed to go sleep. I said okey. She extended her hand to me, "We are still friends, right?" I shook her hand, "of course.... Oh, wait, one more thing." I searched in my pocket and took out a pile of used phone cards. I had been collecting those for a while, because once she told me that she was collecting those. It was a big pile for me, as I begged my friends to give me their used phone cards for three months. She took them and left. I went back to my dorm. I climbed all the way to the roof and cried very hard, so hard that I had some trouble breathing, so hard that it reminded me my childhood, when I was named "crying king" by my dear Niangniang and surrounding neighbors.
Then that is it. I emerged from it quickly, seemingly unscratched but probably hurt deeply. In retrospect, I began to show less emotion and exert more self-control, right from that point on. The only time that I allowed my feeling towards her to take over is when we finished a drama project and all went out drinking. I got very drunk, and so did she. On our way back, I shouted, "I want to walk with XXXX (XXXX is the name of Benty's character in the drama)." So Benty and I got side by side, our arms around each other's should or waist, walking back to the dorm, very drunken. I kid you not, that night I saw a bike on a tree, probably someone's practical joke. The whole group walked from this side of the campus to the other side, and nobody wanted to go back to sleep. So we walked out of the campus and marched on the street. It was that time that alcohol overwhelmed me, and the following was the recount by my friends (I was blacked out): we walked further. We sang loudly. We got on each other's back and one carried each other. I do not know whether I got a chance to carry Benty. I was to shy to ask my friends about that. But chances are that I did. According to my friends, I did not do anything silly.
Benty and I were in the same acting group for the remainder of our college years. I acted as if this episode never had happened. We treated each other with respect and care. We were indeed good friends. Pure friendship, I would say. We were in the senior project together. I played one of the main male character, and Benty played the mom of the other main male character. I had the videotape of the play (Unfortunately, I accidentally threw that away two months ago when I moved apartment. Regret).
Several years after I came to the states, I heard that she got married to a Chinese student in the US. They met online. I actually looked at his webpage and saw their wedding photos. Talk about stalking. Later the rumor is that she started an undergraduate program in that university. Soon the webpage was pulled off, and I lost her info ever since.
To my surprise, writing this entry is quite a pleasant experience for me (I thought it would be otherwise, which is why I have been delaying this writing). I think I learned quite a bit about myself, the self that I have long forgotten. I actually rediscovered that I was such an obsessive and unreasonable person back then. Also, selfish. Now I am heading to yet the very opposite: Extremely reasonable, rational, not care to much about everything. I do not know which one is actually a better version of me.
Aymin (Restart my friend series)
I shipped ten boxes to Boston today. Ten boxes only. It was quite surprised to see how few items I have. Yesterday was my last day in the previous job. It felt a little nostalgia. I think I did a good job in wrapping things up and transfer my duties to my teammates.
As I got out of school and somehow managed to hop from job to job, I have realized that I need to restart my friend series. So here is a new one, starting all the way from A. Of course, all fake names.
Aymin is my colleague in my last job. He joined the team about 1 and a half month ago. Somehow, we got along very well. He was a typical jewish guy, a little nerdier than usual (no offense here, because I use "nerdy" all the time, mostly to myself). He had a bad first job in investment banking, and this job, in comparison, became his heaven. He was very well trained in statistics. He could picked up anything quite easy. He likes to learn things the hard way. (The following sentence needs some CS training to understand) For example, if you gave him a C++ library to use, he would dig up how some of the library functions are implemented, rather than just using them, like most people would do. He used to like Asian girls. Yellow fetish, if you have to put a label. He learned a hard lesson from a mean Hongkong girl. Now I do not think he dares to touch my race:-) Well, that is a joke, and all my best wishes to Aymin. I have to make the joke here because of the way he described that girl -- "soooooo meeeeean!"
So I guess I gave him a helpful hand after he joined in. At the very beginning when he started, I knew I would be leaving, so I just tried to familiarize with what I do, so he could take over it I leave. In the end, he does take over half of my tasks.
My fond memory of Aymin comes from our goofing around. Two days ago, both of us were in a video conference call. It turned out the other side did not show up, so we had half an hour to kill. We began to play with the video. First, we called into a random room, joking that we might get the CEO on the other side. Then we looked at ourselves from the video playback, and soon realized that there was a delay in the video. So I tried to turn my head real quick, and was able to see the back of the neck (and then saw a quick turn). Aymin tried to roll his eyes and then was able to see of white part of his eyes from the video. We alternated to do all weird things that we usually could not see ourselves doing from a mirror. But with the delayed video playback, we felt like we were catching a glimpse of ghosts.
Then I discovered something better. I tilted my head to one side. The video playback showed the opposite direction with half-a-second delay. Then I tilted my head quickly from this side to that, back and forth. Soon enough I figured out the timing to make the video in sync with the real me. That created an illusion of immediate video playback. Then I would suddenly stop moving, observing me in the video screen magically tilted my head once more. We giggled like two teenage California girls.
I know I know. It does not sound too fun when I wrote it out, but we were so cracked up for doing those silly things right at the moment. Soon we found that there was one guy from that random room who was staring at the screen too. Realization: Our silly videos were transmitted to the other side. We cut off the video, a little embarrassed but mostly empowered by our goofiness. Walking out of the video conference room, one guy was staring at us from a cubicle nearby. Our silly laugh must be that loud.
As I wrapped up my last day, I could sense that some of my co-workers will miss me (I will miss them too), and others probably would not give a shit. Aymin is in the former category. As most people in work place are way too pretentiously serious, I hope Aymin will soon find another goofy buddy to share a moment here and there. For me, my new job will be full of sleazy business type too. Probably no more goofing around. In some way, writing this entry is my homage to the good old time that will never come back again.
As I got out of school and somehow managed to hop from job to job, I have realized that I need to restart my friend series. So here is a new one, starting all the way from A. Of course, all fake names.
Aymin is my colleague in my last job. He joined the team about 1 and a half month ago. Somehow, we got along very well. He was a typical jewish guy, a little nerdier than usual (no offense here, because I use "nerdy" all the time, mostly to myself). He had a bad first job in investment banking, and this job, in comparison, became his heaven. He was very well trained in statistics. He could picked up anything quite easy. He likes to learn things the hard way. (The following sentence needs some CS training to understand) For example, if you gave him a C++ library to use, he would dig up how some of the library functions are implemented, rather than just using them, like most people would do. He used to like Asian girls. Yellow fetish, if you have to put a label. He learned a hard lesson from a mean Hongkong girl. Now I do not think he dares to touch my race:-) Well, that is a joke, and all my best wishes to Aymin. I have to make the joke here because of the way he described that girl -- "soooooo meeeeean!"
So I guess I gave him a helpful hand after he joined in. At the very beginning when he started, I knew I would be leaving, so I just tried to familiarize with what I do, so he could take over it I leave. In the end, he does take over half of my tasks.
My fond memory of Aymin comes from our goofing around. Two days ago, both of us were in a video conference call. It turned out the other side did not show up, so we had half an hour to kill. We began to play with the video. First, we called into a random room, joking that we might get the CEO on the other side. Then we looked at ourselves from the video playback, and soon realized that there was a delay in the video. So I tried to turn my head real quick, and was able to see the back of the neck (and then saw a quick turn). Aymin tried to roll his eyes and then was able to see of white part of his eyes from the video. We alternated to do all weird things that we usually could not see ourselves doing from a mirror. But with the delayed video playback, we felt like we were catching a glimpse of ghosts.
Then I discovered something better. I tilted my head to one side. The video playback showed the opposite direction with half-a-second delay. Then I tilted my head quickly from this side to that, back and forth. Soon enough I figured out the timing to make the video in sync with the real me. That created an illusion of immediate video playback. Then I would suddenly stop moving, observing me in the video screen magically tilted my head once more. We giggled like two teenage California girls.
I know I know. It does not sound too fun when I wrote it out, but we were so cracked up for doing those silly things right at the moment. Soon we found that there was one guy from that random room who was staring at the screen too. Realization: Our silly videos were transmitted to the other side. We cut off the video, a little embarrassed but mostly empowered by our goofiness. Walking out of the video conference room, one guy was staring at us from a cubicle nearby. Our silly laugh must be that loud.
As I wrapped up my last day, I could sense that some of my co-workers will miss me (I will miss them too), and others probably would not give a shit. Aymin is in the former category. As most people in work place are way too pretentiously serious, I hope Aymin will soon find another goofy buddy to share a moment here and there. For me, my new job will be full of sleazy business type too. Probably no more goofing around. In some way, writing this entry is my homage to the good old time that will never come back again.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Moving on
It is a time of life again. After seven years in California, I am ready to move on to the east coast. It was a wonderful half a year. I finished my dissertation, started a new job, will quit this job in one week, then take some time off, go to Austria for some training, and then start a new job. How can I hope for a better experience?
Of course I can. Somehow my first job does not work out as well as I have hoped. I can say it is actually for the good, because it became painless for me to quit this one and start a new one. However, I cannot fight off the doubt: Is it because of me, or because of the people around me? I guess one job is too small a sample to give a definitive answer, so let me try another to find it out.
So I need to move again. I need to get out of my current apartment in 2 days. My roommate gave me his spare key, so that I plan to sneak back in once a while to sleep in the living room for two weeks. In return, I am going to leave him with TV, stereo, and vacuum cleaner, maybe more stuff. Hopefully, no one from my university housing office is reading my blog, as this one is self-incriminating myself for illegal occupancy.
Busy busy busy. The training for my new job has already started. I needed to finish the online modules. They are actually quite consuming, especially those accounting sheets. But I guess it is all worth it in the end. I got another tooth extracted two days ago. Now my teeth are either good or gone, nothing in between. Doing dental flossing daily now, a price I need to pay to prevent future extractions or deep cleaning. I might need to get implants some day, because I have two missing teeth now.
So I am going to Austria next month for job training. It almost feels surreal to me, just like seven years ago when I planned to come to the states. In the process of applying for a visa, I lost my passport in a parking lot for four hours. I was quite freaked out. Fortunately, someone found it and returned to me. Americans, I love you all!
Tomorrow is the graduation day again. Last year I fake walked, and this year I could not be more different, as if the life was swirling away from its predestined path, heading towards unknown territory with a sense of awe and fear. A lot of my friends are graduating this year. This will be the last time I can see so many of my dear friends, walking onto stage to celebrate their life milestones. I do not know when I will see them again in the future. Take lots of pictures, handshakes and hugs. Everyone of us have different plan: my best friend is heading to Ohio, as his wife will start her Ph.D. OSU. Among my cohort, one heads to Portland, one heads to Missouri, both of whom have a great academic job waiting for them. I am also heading in my direction. Bye.
Of course I can. Somehow my first job does not work out as well as I have hoped. I can say it is actually for the good, because it became painless for me to quit this one and start a new one. However, I cannot fight off the doubt: Is it because of me, or because of the people around me? I guess one job is too small a sample to give a definitive answer, so let me try another to find it out.
So I need to move again. I need to get out of my current apartment in 2 days. My roommate gave me his spare key, so that I plan to sneak back in once a while to sleep in the living room for two weeks. In return, I am going to leave him with TV, stereo, and vacuum cleaner, maybe more stuff. Hopefully, no one from my university housing office is reading my blog, as this one is self-incriminating myself for illegal occupancy.
Busy busy busy. The training for my new job has already started. I needed to finish the online modules. They are actually quite consuming, especially those accounting sheets. But I guess it is all worth it in the end. I got another tooth extracted two days ago. Now my teeth are either good or gone, nothing in between. Doing dental flossing daily now, a price I need to pay to prevent future extractions or deep cleaning. I might need to get implants some day, because I have two missing teeth now.
So I am going to Austria next month for job training. It almost feels surreal to me, just like seven years ago when I planned to come to the states. In the process of applying for a visa, I lost my passport in a parking lot for four hours. I was quite freaked out. Fortunately, someone found it and returned to me. Americans, I love you all!
Tomorrow is the graduation day again. Last year I fake walked, and this year I could not be more different, as if the life was swirling away from its predestined path, heading towards unknown territory with a sense of awe and fear. A lot of my friends are graduating this year. This will be the last time I can see so many of my dear friends, walking onto stage to celebrate their life milestones. I do not know when I will see them again in the future. Take lots of pictures, handshakes and hugs. Everyone of us have different plan: my best friend is heading to Ohio, as his wife will start her Ph.D. OSU. Among my cohort, one heads to Portland, one heads to Missouri, both of whom have a great academic job waiting for them. I am also heading in my direction. Bye.
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