My current favorite CD. It is so witty and sleasy. There is one song called "it sucks to be me". I love it.
So it sucks to be me right now, or to be a single international during Thanksgiving holiday in the US. Everybody is leaving, so the campus is left behind to face the cold weather alone. I am doing some work tonight at the department. Tomorrow I might do nothing, or do some work too. I might hang out with the dormmates who are left behind too. I am also heading to Victor's place tomorrow, with Edward.
I hope I can roughly finish the paper by next week. So, buddy, go back to work.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
So after a good weekend
When my schedule is packed, I am agonizing before the work and feeling happy afterwards. Weird.
I cut my hair almost by myself yesterday. it is actually quite easy. Now I have the tool in my room, so I can cut my hair three times a day!
I know what I will eat for lunch tomorrow. Looking forward.
I cut my hair almost by myself yesterday. it is actually quite easy. Now I have the tool in my room, so I can cut my hair three times a day!
I know what I will eat for lunch tomorrow. Looking forward.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
big game and closer
As if I really care, Stanford lost the Big Game this year.
I watched a great show tonight: "closer". This means I did not do my work tonight. Did not feel guilty at all. The show is THAT good!
I watched a great show tonight: "closer". This means I did not do my work tonight. Did not feel guilty at all. The show is THAT good!
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Why should I care?
Hi, if you are still reading my blog, it means you are my good friend. I took down the link towards my blog a while ago. So you can no longer randomly get to my homepage and click to the blog. Even if you search on google "songhua's blog", you can no longer find it. Sign, as if anyone cares anyway......
I was upset a little bid today. Thank you, Emily and Victor, to be always so supportive. But it doesn not seem anything can beat me down for long. Today I did my best work in Coho. Actually, there was a free rock concert going on when I did my work. It is a good event. The sound from the speakers almost made the table shaking. And I love it. It does not hurt, of course, the band sang good songs.
An event-hitory model really gave me great results. I think I am going to propos a new theory of what communist party is about. Not a party of worker or a party of intellectual, but a party of powerful that used it as a tool to maintain the control. I have quantitative results to back my argument. I think this paper could be path-breaking. Hehe.
Of course, it does not hurt that I overheard that my advisor is quite satisfied with my progress in Ph.D. degree study. A big boost to my ego too.
I have to admit that this year is my most eventual year at Stanford.
I was upset a little bid today. Thank you, Emily and Victor, to be always so supportive. But it doesn not seem anything can beat me down for long. Today I did my best work in Coho. Actually, there was a free rock concert going on when I did my work. It is a good event. The sound from the speakers almost made the table shaking. And I love it. It does not hurt, of course, the band sang good songs.
An event-hitory model really gave me great results. I think I am going to propos a new theory of what communist party is about. Not a party of worker or a party of intellectual, but a party of powerful that used it as a tool to maintain the control. I have quantitative results to back my argument. I think this paper could be path-breaking. Hehe.
Of course, it does not hurt that I overheard that my advisor is quite satisfied with my progress in Ph.D. degree study. A big boost to my ego too.
I have to admit that this year is my most eventual year at Stanford.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Ups and Downs
You know, it might just be ok to go ups and downs. I should have therapy today, but she is sick. Sort of upset, but not really. I mean, I do not have too much to tell about my week anyway.
This afternoon I got the letter from my home. Normal things, like how proud they are with me, new events happening in the household, warning of over physical exercise, looking for a girl for me, stuff like that. I do not really care what is in the letter. They do not understand anyway. But isn't it neat to get a letter from home. When Victor asked whose letter is it, I felt proud. It is MY MOM!
I think my awareness of self-esteem is working. For example, I had several bad rehearsal recently. I attempted to blame me. But in a rational thinking, why should it be my fault?
And I win Cilker Teaching Award this year! Such a ego booster. I thought I would get it last year since I TAed for so many classes and really felt I did a great job, at least most of the time. But I was not awarded. This year I do not even think about the award except the moment when I nominated Victor, but then I got it. I am excited. Not for the financial aid, but for a benchmark that I have right now to say,"Hey, I am doing pretty good"!
That's it for today. These days the only concern I have is that my dissertation is sorta go slow. Otherwise, life is perfect. Oh, and tomorrow!
This afternoon I got the letter from my home. Normal things, like how proud they are with me, new events happening in the household, warning of over physical exercise, looking for a girl for me, stuff like that. I do not really care what is in the letter. They do not understand anyway. But isn't it neat to get a letter from home. When Victor asked whose letter is it, I felt proud. It is MY MOM!
I think my awareness of self-esteem is working. For example, I had several bad rehearsal recently. I attempted to blame me. But in a rational thinking, why should it be my fault?
And I win Cilker Teaching Award this year! Such a ego booster. I thought I would get it last year since I TAed for so many classes and really felt I did a great job, at least most of the time. But I was not awarded. This year I do not even think about the award except the moment when I nominated Victor, but then I got it. I am excited. Not for the financial aid, but for a benchmark that I have right now to say,"Hey, I am doing pretty good"!
That's it for today. These days the only concern I have is that my dissertation is sorta go slow. Otherwise, life is perfect. Oh, and tomorrow!
Monday, November 15, 2004
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Half Moon Bay
I was at the beach today. A great day indeed. I did some readings at the beach, overseeing the sea wave pumping the shore and birds flying over my head. People walked through the sand, matched by the outlaying of one and one more footprint that created strange but beautiful lines on the sand. A picture indeed, and I finished listening to Caroline Myss' audio book on self-esteem. Some of her comments and answers really annoyed me, but the questions raised by her is much legit and apply to me somewhat.
I ran on the beach and then got some blackberry as the reward of the day. Feeling invigorated, I went to the FARM meeting and I felt I am much alive in the meeting too. You know, self-perception has an importance that I finally realized to face bravely.
And now I only worry about how efficient I could do my work after this personal growth. By the way, I am going to have lunch with the girl next Thursday (Finally!). I do not know what to say, so I just do not plan fo ranything. I hope the conversation will turn out to ok, though I doubt a bad conversation would have much impact on me right now any way. I think I still like her, but if she is not available, there is nothing I can do about it. Let it be, then.
By the way, I had a really productive night at Coho. Sometimes having a day free recharges my biological battery.
I ran on the beach and then got some blackberry as the reward of the day. Feeling invigorated, I went to the FARM meeting and I felt I am much alive in the meeting too. You know, self-perception has an importance that I finally realized to face bravely.
And now I only worry about how efficient I could do my work after this personal growth. By the way, I am going to have lunch with the girl next Thursday (Finally!). I do not know what to say, so I just do not plan fo ranything. I hope the conversation will turn out to ok, though I doubt a bad conversation would have much impact on me right now any way. I think I still like her, but if she is not available, there is nothing I can do about it. Let it be, then.
By the way, I had a really productive night at Coho. Sometimes having a day free recharges my biological battery.
Friday, November 12, 2004
sharing
I share my piece on my family (see my last post) during the dance rehearsal tonight. Life is taking risks. and I am happy I am sharing it. It is not at all embarrassing. It is just my self saying who I am.
Then I took part of the happy hour. The whole hour. It is not hard to talk to people either. I am enjoying myself today.
Then I took part of the happy hour. The whole hour. It is not hard to talk to people either. I am enjoying myself today.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
What's new?
Not much new.
But I wrote a piece for the homework for Hope's dance. I do not know why she wanted us to write something that we always wanted, or did not want, or wanted but found useless after getting it. But I trust her. And I wrote the piece about my family.
It is attached.
I’ve always wanted to run far away from my family. I could not remember when the whole thoughts started, but very early I guess, even before I could systematically put it into clear thoughts in words like this.
How do I describe my family? It is hard to use English to describe my Chinese family. It is unfair for them, but now I have the pen. So I am going to have a try anyway. The closest words I can get is “depressive” and “negative”, of course, without the stigma usually attached to these words. I had constant urges to argue with my parents and grandparents, but I felt I was powerless in the family hierarchy transitional to Chinese family. So most time I would keep silent, pretend to be cool, not care, and sink myself into my own imaginary world that I wouldn’t be hurt by those feelings. Sometimes I would wander on the street on my bicycle aimlessly rather than staying at home, since home is not only a boring place, but also alienating. I wanted to hide from them, being invisible so that I could be free to do all the things without their scrutiny. In terms of what I really want to do? I do not know, but I firmly believed it would be a better world then the one I currently attempted to hide from.
However, since it is a small town, my parents tried to know how I am doing in schools. Hiding from them becomes my games. It is burdensome, but I was happy whenever I achieved to hide some insignificant events from them, such as like a trip with my friends, some pen pals I have, or so-called “secret girlfriend”. I even wrote a letter addressed to my parents to address these issues, only to toss it in the end, thinking it ridiculously stupid.
I finally had my chance. My parents wanted me to go to a college near home, but I went to a far away place instead. Freedom! I acclaimed it all the way, all the way then to a country across the Pacific Ocean. I tried hard to discard my past but focus on the future, as if it was a happy past and as if I had a happy family.
All the way, until I hit a bottom. I got into some trouble with anxiety and low self-esteem. I sought professional help. With my therapist, I talked about my family, probably the first time in an unbiased way. No longer running away from this touchy topic, no longer hiding under a constructed past that I put a bunch of happy spice. For reasons unexplainable to my logic, I reached a compromise with my family. They are not perfect, but they are MINE. I do not want to blame them for anything, and I do not want to hide any more.
So I called them. I called them every week, but for the first time, I felt happiness for hearing their voice. For a millisecond, I also felt my eyes were a little wet. They are imperfect human beings, just like me. Besides, they are my parents. They have their own problems, but that’s no reason for me to hide from. I also wrote them a letter, my first hand-written letter after I was hooked with the convenience of emails. I told them my life, even the smallest details, like how much I jog and what dance piece I was rehearsing, along with a bunch of photos recording my happy moments at Stanford.
They must be surprised. My letter probably brought even happiness to their post-retirement life since they would be able to show off a letter from their son who is currently in the US to their neighbors. They told me they also sent me a letter, which is still on the way towards my mailbox.
When I started this writing, I thought I would have a stronger ending. An ending where all issues would have a solution, just like a typical Hollywood movie. But I simply couldn’t. I am still not close to my family, physically or emotionally. I do not believe I will be in the near future. We just have too much difference. But one thing for sure: I am not running away and hiding any more. I want them to know me. They may be proud of some part of me, or disagree with other parts. But if it is the real me, I could see their happiness.
But I wrote a piece for the homework for Hope's dance. I do not know why she wanted us to write something that we always wanted, or did not want, or wanted but found useless after getting it. But I trust her. And I wrote the piece about my family.
It is attached.
Hiding and running away from my family
I’ve always wanted to run far away from my family. I could not remember when the whole thoughts started, but very early I guess, even before I could systematically put it into clear thoughts in words like this.
How do I describe my family? It is hard to use English to describe my Chinese family. It is unfair for them, but now I have the pen. So I am going to have a try anyway. The closest words I can get is “depressive” and “negative”, of course, without the stigma usually attached to these words. I had constant urges to argue with my parents and grandparents, but I felt I was powerless in the family hierarchy transitional to Chinese family. So most time I would keep silent, pretend to be cool, not care, and sink myself into my own imaginary world that I wouldn’t be hurt by those feelings. Sometimes I would wander on the street on my bicycle aimlessly rather than staying at home, since home is not only a boring place, but also alienating. I wanted to hide from them, being invisible so that I could be free to do all the things without their scrutiny. In terms of what I really want to do? I do not know, but I firmly believed it would be a better world then the one I currently attempted to hide from.
However, since it is a small town, my parents tried to know how I am doing in schools. Hiding from them becomes my games. It is burdensome, but I was happy whenever I achieved to hide some insignificant events from them, such as like a trip with my friends, some pen pals I have, or so-called “secret girlfriend”. I even wrote a letter addressed to my parents to address these issues, only to toss it in the end, thinking it ridiculously stupid.
I finally had my chance. My parents wanted me to go to a college near home, but I went to a far away place instead. Freedom! I acclaimed it all the way, all the way then to a country across the Pacific Ocean. I tried hard to discard my past but focus on the future, as if it was a happy past and as if I had a happy family.
All the way, until I hit a bottom. I got into some trouble with anxiety and low self-esteem. I sought professional help. With my therapist, I talked about my family, probably the first time in an unbiased way. No longer running away from this touchy topic, no longer hiding under a constructed past that I put a bunch of happy spice. For reasons unexplainable to my logic, I reached a compromise with my family. They are not perfect, but they are MINE. I do not want to blame them for anything, and I do not want to hide any more.
So I called them. I called them every week, but for the first time, I felt happiness for hearing their voice. For a millisecond, I also felt my eyes were a little wet. They are imperfect human beings, just like me. Besides, they are my parents. They have their own problems, but that’s no reason for me to hide from. I also wrote them a letter, my first hand-written letter after I was hooked with the convenience of emails. I told them my life, even the smallest details, like how much I jog and what dance piece I was rehearsing, along with a bunch of photos recording my happy moments at Stanford.
They must be surprised. My letter probably brought even happiness to their post-retirement life since they would be able to show off a letter from their son who is currently in the US to their neighbors. They told me they also sent me a letter, which is still on the way towards my mailbox.
When I started this writing, I thought I would have a stronger ending. An ending where all issues would have a solution, just like a typical Hollywood movie. But I simply couldn’t. I am still not close to my family, physically or emotionally. I do not believe I will be in the near future. We just have too much difference. But one thing for sure: I am not running away and hiding any more. I want them to know me. They may be proud of some part of me, or disagree with other parts. But if it is the real me, I could see their happiness.
Monday, November 08, 2004
My hair is now 1 centimeter long, and I went to a motorcycle show
Should've test-drive the Toyota Tacoma, since I am already a proud toyota owner:-)
I red a self-help book today. Quite cliche, but makes sense nonetheless. Especially for building self-esteem.
I red a self-help book today. Quite cliche, but makes sense nonetheless. Especially for building self-esteem.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
It is the beginning of something
Do you ever feel that you begin to put yourself together piece by piece? And isn't it great?
Today is my therapy day. I felt all great the whole week except last night and this morning when I cannot get over the election stuff. Anyway, I talked about my self-esteem issue. (You see, the whole therapy takes some surprising turns towards some long-term issues I have). And then tonight I went to Donovon's workshop on relationship.
It may sound stupid to my dear readers, but really, taking about these issues isn't that hard. I hate the days when I was in a shell, and love the highs those talkings get me. It is the beginning of something, I believe. More openness, and I hope I am as free as the one on the dance floor.
Anyway, today's new thing: the relationship workshop. Thank you, Donovon.
Today is my therapy day. I felt all great the whole week except last night and this morning when I cannot get over the election stuff. Anyway, I talked about my self-esteem issue. (You see, the whole therapy takes some surprising turns towards some long-term issues I have). And then tonight I went to Donovon's workshop on relationship.
It may sound stupid to my dear readers, but really, taking about these issues isn't that hard. I hate the days when I was in a shell, and love the highs those talkings get me. It is the beginning of something, I believe. More openness, and I hope I am as free as the one on the dance floor.
Anyway, today's new thing: the relationship workshop. Thank you, Donovon.
Watch TV the whole night: it's the fault of democracy
Here I want to propose a question: If 51% of the population is stupid, does the democratic country have an chance to avoid a potential stupid future? That is a fact I have to concede after watching TV the whole night, and that's why Bush won the election.
personally, I really do not care about the hot issues such as the economy, health care, education and war against terrarism. However, I care about gay rights and women's choice of having a children. I saw so many of my friends were disappointed and sad, and it made a sad day for me too. It is also sort of frustrating since I feel I have nothing to do with it.
Damn.
personally, I really do not care about the hot issues such as the economy, health care, education and war against terrarism. However, I care about gay rights and women's choice of having a children. I saw so many of my friends were disappointed and sad, and it made a sad day for me too. It is also sort of frustrating since I feel I have nothing to do with it.
Damn.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Does getting a cool sunglass count? I guess!
Ok, I have to confess that I have not much to say these days. Probably you've already noticed that if you paid attention to the length of my each post.
I have nothing to say because my mind is clear and focused. It is amazing that there is no down time in the past six days, and the only thing that keeps me on the edge is trying to figure out a new thing to do each day. but no pressure whatsoever, since buying a new sunglass counts according to my standard. Hehe.
I think I began to get the essence of dance these days. Clarity and internal feelings are more important than fanciness and exagguration. I used to feel free when I jump, and now I started to feel free even when I stand still. I think I am getting closer to the thing.
Today is the presidential election days. I feel that I am also emotionally invested in Kerry's bid in White House. Strange, since US politics does not matter too much to me rationally. But since a lot of my friends support him, it just draws me into it. Now I seem to be convinced by Victor that Kerry will win. Actually, in my last night dream, he did win. Oh, stupid political dreams!
I have nothing to say because my mind is clear and focused. It is amazing that there is no down time in the past six days, and the only thing that keeps me on the edge is trying to figure out a new thing to do each day. but no pressure whatsoever, since buying a new sunglass counts according to my standard. Hehe.
I think I began to get the essence of dance these days. Clarity and internal feelings are more important than fanciness and exagguration. I used to feel free when I jump, and now I started to feel free even when I stand still. I think I am getting closer to the thing.
Today is the presidential election days. I feel that I am also emotionally invested in Kerry's bid in White House. Strange, since US politics does not matter too much to me rationally. But since a lot of my friends support him, it just draws me into it. Now I seem to be convinced by Victor that Kerry will win. Actually, in my last night dream, he did win. Oh, stupid political dreams!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)