Decide to take a break

Too many posts during the spring break, and I decide to take a break at least for a week. I suspect that blogging has become my new way of procrastination. But do not worry, the blog on "my friends" will match on, and I promise it will hit Z. Sometimes I am wondering who i should put into X,Y,Z. They should be the most important ones in my life, and with the most exotic fake names, I promise too:-) Bye for now.

My Friends (6): Glip

It is weird feeling now. I am in 24-hour library room, doing some readings. It is quite empty here, five persons in total: 3 Chinese, 1 Indian, and one black. It is a guetto, I believe, a very cold guetto because of the ratio of people against space. Also, other personal thoughts went through my mind, making me a little restless. So I am like, what the heck, just post one more blog before the spring break is over.
Just bump into some insightful argument, and I feel like I have a good idea of writing a paper. If my advisor does not write me back on my proposal soon, I will just make a start on this seperate paper then.
Funny thing, because I am ready to blog about my advisor now. Let's call him Glip. I am not sure whether I can do him just, but I will try.
Glip is probably one of the most intelligently cynical human beings I've ever met. I came to Stanford without any idea about him, only to find out how lucky that I've picked the right school. In our quarter workshop, when the discussion went to nowhere, I would shout with my silent internal voice:"shut up, everybody. Just let Glip talk!" I do not care if the workshop becomes Glip's solo lecture, because that's when the workshop provides me with the best stuff. With him, I find that studying sociology is bearable, intellectually challenging, and sometimes fun, although I am still struggling with the idea whether I would devote my career in sociology eventually. But that's another stody.
He is nice to students. Every spring festival we will be invited to his house to have new year dinner. He is well-versed in Chinese culture, so people feel comfortable. Other indidents involves confidential events of my friends, and I am not disclosing anything here. But needless to say, he has his own professional way to help out.
He has a dream-walking style. I believe that he is so deep in his thoughts that he would be surprised if I say hello to him in the middle of his path from home to school. But I never am able to decode his thoughts, because he is very impersonal. He cracks jokes, gives advise, and even selectively tells him own story, but you never know him. Maybe as his students, we are never supposed to, but somehow I wish I could, and somehow I take some efforts in guessing.
He never shows anger or frustration, makes self-depreciating jokes if facing personal questions. One time students asked a question about "Asian Fadish", and somehow he managed to answer the question without giving any information. I feel like he can be a perfect politician.
But he won't. His cynicism set him apart from all the other people. I believe, from small hints, he is frustrated by the recent American politics and department politics, but he never lets it shown. In academic conferences, I believe he hates his mediocre colleagues with only nonsense to say. It must be boring for him sitting through most conference, because his intelligence is rarely matched by others. But he never shows too. Sometimes I have an image of him like that: A soldier in the frontline taking all the shots, but telling his comrades behind that everything is all right.
Maybe I am trying too hard to find a hero in my life, so Glip just slips in as a substitute. But even that's just an illusion, so what? Though I only hope I can know him better.

My friends (5): Friggy

After a while, you know you begin to run out of friends to blog about. For me, the writing block might be approaching right now, although sometimes someone just came through my mind, and I would say "bingo!" and blog on.
Friggy was my roommate last year. An Asian American, he fit the stereotype perfectly: playing musical instrument (piano) and major in double-E. But he is cooler than most. I do not think he is ever happy with his major, because he is more into doing random things rather than focusing on a career after EE. He likes birds, so he put a feeding thing outside of the window and let the bird come and eat. Every morning, therefore, I can hear birds' very loud chirping. Friggy graduated last year from the university, and he is more proud of his kitchen inspection certificate (for a co-op) than the real diploma. So I guess he is one of the cool kids, don't you agree?
For one thing, I am not a cool kid. So it is quite hard for me or him to initiate a conversation with each other. It seems that we live in two different worlds although we actually lived one wall apart. Well, if you use "wall" metapherically, it all makes sense, right? Anyway, respect is plenty, but I never actually knew him. But I wish him good luck in the real world now. He will be quite vulnerable in the real world, accroding to my impression, but I wish he will have good friends to help him out, friends that are much cooler than his old roommate.
I just checked his blog, which I haven't opened for months. The old blog archives are gone, and new one started from last month. It might indicate that he want to start over? I do not know, but the old blog of his is pretty dark. He is either in Japan or Taiwan now, probably for a real job. He is not happy, obviously, but he will be all right.

My friends (IV): Elpen

Elpen is a crazy guy. Not because he is truly crazy, but because he is so opposite of me that I found some of his decisions incomprehensible. He would impulsively decide to buy something expensive or go somewhere without a small hint beforehand. Every movie he saw is a great movie, and he truly believes that. Hate most apartment he lived in for small flaws, "why the manager does not fixed the water tap in one day?". That's why he moved three or four times in a short span last year, and he thinks it all worth the hassle. If we go out to eat, chances are that he would pick up the tab, thinking that his money should do rather than sitting quietly in the banks.
Elpen is a straight talker though, and do not afraid of talking about gossips. So he is the last one you should trust with your secret, but on the other hand, he is the first one you should contact if you want to know what's going on of the people around you if you share the same social network with Elpen. He does bring a lot of fun into the conversation, but I can get irritated if I hang out with him for longer than half-day, by his non-stop talking style and "irrational" complaints.
The above is not about negative, it is about who he really is. I appreciate that he dear to show who is really is and be non-apologatic about it. His sincerity can be ranked as 12 in a scale from 1 to 10, and I am actually not exaggurating here. If you can be his best friend, you are lucky. Although I am not sure I will ever be. You know, I just called him "crazy" in the beginning. Sign.... But jokes aside, here is how I exactly feel: His life is so out of my comprehension that it sometimes fucking blows my mind. I will not imitate him, but I am in awe all the time. Salute, Elpen!

My friends (III)

I think I must be very happy about the blogging-friend things, so it should last a while. My plan is to go from A all the way to Z. Guess whether I can think of 26 friends to fill it up!

I still do not know why I picked Amsol, Brey and Chastina as my first three friends. Am I going down the list by the degree of how I like them? Probably, but that's definitely not what went through my mind. I wrote them first because they were the ones that went through my mind first. Maybe they are just the people who cared the most right now. And also, I know they are not the readers of my blog, so I am writing without inhibition.

Now I am going to tell something about one of my Chinese-speaking friends. To be honest, native Chinese-speaking friends are never my favorites. They are sorta back-up friends that I have to turn to when I run out of options. They are too uptight, stingy, and no fun. But this friend of mine is different: Dermon.

He came to the campus with me the same year. He is generous and very socialable. In comparison, I am the king of all nerds. He have many many friends. A kind of friendship that I never envy of, because it is very shallow. But he seems to enjoy it. Sometimes I even feel that he likes to show off with his broad network, like the ones that like to boast the number of their thefacebook friends. In that sense, we are very different, and that why the distance between us has been widening after a first-year "honeymoon" period. Now I have the co-op thing and begant to have other friends, and he also had his own family, so we barely talked any more.
I have no regrets about that. People just have different destinations in life. I think he is wasting too much time and not ambitious enough to come out on top, and he might be laughing at me for all the struggles I've been through with no foreseeable returns. "What's the point of life?" I guess we will have complete opposite answers.

Nonetheless, I am happy that I befriend with him. We are definitely not really caring or sharing or what conventional friendship is about. I see him more like a reference point to see myself: Am I taking the right path? His existence keeps me in check and prevents me from going to extreme. I want to lead a non-clique life, but not a weird life. Keeping a SHORT distance with Dermon reaffirms both.

My friends (II)

Now I have to admit that bloggin about my friends is a great idea, so I will have one more entry here. By the way, making up those non-existing name is fun: Amsol and Brey, what the heck are these names:-) Anyway, my next name is Chestina.
Chestina is a nice girl. She is smart, pretty, and sometimes flirtatious. She likes to act like the Dr. Phil, or so I feel that way. So I have few secrets to hide from her. In fact, sometimes I feel bad when I dump all my bad experiences on her, afraid that would ruin her day. I still regret that one day I debated with her on religions. As an atheist, I shouldn't argue about faith to my friends. It does no good to either of us.
She looks sad and stressed out sometimes, but I do not really know why. She looks fragile and easily get sick. Must be too much stress. She just told me a career choice last week. I am not disclose the choice here, but I support it fully. Not half-assed support as a friend, but I really feel it is for her own good. She like to ask questions, usually following the obsession for logics and reasonings. That's probably why she does not really fit with most social circles. Sometimes I feel I am the only one who understand her outcoming questions: where do they come from, and what logics they follow along from the last questions.
Since I have talked to her quite a lot this and the last quarter, "Amsol" sometimes teased about it. For him, no men need a Dr. Phil. but I guess I might be different. I am way too sensitive that I feel myself as a Dr. Phil. In this sense, Chestina and I befriend because of our sharing mentality. Oh, do not mistake. She is married for years, so never think about whether she should be my soul mate. Maybe she is, but then I am still lucky.
So much for Chestina. Next one will be Dermon. Until next time....

By the way, I am reading "In America" by Jon Stewart. I feel I get most of the jokes. This means two things: 1) I am quite knowledgeble about American politics and 2) I am cynical.

My friends

How many blogs you can write before you run out of ideas? I am so tired of blabbing about my personal issues that I have to find other sources to blog. So I decide to open an alternative thread to blog about my friend. All the names will be fake, as I create new names as I like, in an alphabetic order. So let me start with Amsol.
Amsol is one of my best friends. He is humorous and laid-back. He is one of the people I can easily talk to and never run out of topics and points. A total liberal himself, he transformed my worldview a lot in the past several years from a semi-conservative to a die-hard liberal. In my mind, he is a perfect dad type, adventurous and kind, open-minded and full of love. Looking at his son growing up to be a great kid, I am happy. Just like a magic, you see his family thriving, not in a way free of problem, but in a way that they are high-spirited and deal with everything with a smile. In comparison to those other couples in the department, who were most uptight and tried hard to fit into the stereotype of being a good husband and wife, I see Amsol and his wife as the model family I am striving to live in in the future. Too bad that I do not have their optimistic way facing the life, and I have admiration for them.
Brey is a very different type in comparison. He is still single, and still try to find ways to navigate through the river called life. Recently he got into some long-distance relationship that tired him out. I wonder it really worths the effort to begin with. But hey, who can blame the passion, which I lack due to too much rational calculation. He is a good cook, and often inviting me for dinner or lunch with luxurious ingredents, like New York Steak. When he paid for that, he never blinked eyes, even when he was in deep debt. Depressive sometime, but cheerful at others. If I have to use one word to describe him, I will say "good-natured". I say it in a value-neutral way, but I have to admit that his good nature sometimes put himself in a bad position because people would take advantage of it without him realizing it. Am I one of those? I tried not to be and always conscious about it, but I will let the time to judge.
One last thing I want to say before I close this blog and wait for another day to continue blogging about my friends. The difference between Amsol and Brey. If I told tham that i am depressed or had a bad experience, Amsol will give me some suggestions on how to deal with it or put it into perspective, but Brey would start blabbing his own problems, sometimes even worse than mine. Strange enough, both of them will put me at ease and go on to have a good day. My problem? What problem?

Honesty

I haven't blogged for a while. But each time I blog, I have to ask myself a tough question: Do I need to be all honest, especially now I know I have readers? The question tears me apart, because it is not good timing right now to disclose some of my secrets. Of course, I never lied on this blog, but I just do not mention certain things. At least two things in my mind right now fall into this category. They sorta bother me once a while. I will try to make an effort to say them out loud in the forum in the near future. But now I am not ready yet.

Just finish the last dance rehearsal this quarter. Now I am preparing for tomorrow's trip. Hoping that I am one of the people who actually make the world a better place. The above three thoughts are so not related, but they just got across my mind a minute before, so I have to write them down in their original piece. I watched the last piece of my public speeches. Some parts are quite amusing, and I think I could make some benign jokes about my public speech in the future. But for one thing, I seem to enjoy public speech now. I hope my personality will shine through my speech in the future, just like in my dance.

Got the House Manager job in terra next year. Quite excited. Partly by the job itself, but more importantly, I feel that I am getting a last piece of my youthful years. After that, I am leaving for the adult world for good. Being a professional, earning a living by myself or with somebody I love, no more stereotype of "sketchy graduate student", no more weekly dance rehearsal. Welcome to a more boring life though. To be honest, I am very much scared by the reality of leaving for the adult world. What would I do? How would I fit? Will I regret my past? Did I pick the right path? Will I go crazy by the pressures or by the feeling of non-achievements? Will my cynicism ruin all the funs in the life so that my future memoir will be full of internal struggle of thoughts but without real stories to tell (like I am doing in the blog most of the time). I do not know, for real. And I am scared.

Merce! Merce!

Ok, it is the same title with the last one. I have to admit that yesterday the title is for no good reasons, but today it is. Because I shaked Merce's hand twice!
It feels like I am touching the footprint of history. He is a dance legend, but it is so real in front of me, with the body bounded by a wheelchair. His hands are marked by deteriarating skin colors, his reactions to people's conversation was slow. I'm very sad for him, but at the same time I am proud for him, for doing something different, sometimes not understood by other people but still staying the course.
When the public speaking class planned the banquet, I really was hoping that I would get "testimonial" or "reading", so that I can pay some tribune to Merce. However, I got "speech of entertainment". Too bad. But blogger gives me another chance here. So this post.
And of course, I hope Merce to be healthy and happy. He probably would not remember me, but I will always remember that I have shaked hand with a giant.

Merce! Merce!

Merce Cummingham is one of my most respected choreographers. And I just got an email asking me to roll the dice on stage for their company's performance tomorrow night at stanford. Rolling dice? That does not make sense, you might say. Well, if you know Merce's work, it is no brainer. Anyway, I might see him in person tomorrow even, maybe get a signature or two, or a photo, or shake his hand before he dies. No ill meaning though. He is just VERY OLD.
It is sad for me to see those great dancers getting old. All the glamor surrendered to the natural rule of aging, making me wonder what life is all about. Do they have regret about a jump they missed or a turn they fumbled on stage? Now that they can no longer make those up because they can hardly standing up. What about my aging? It sounds like a very horrible idea to me. I do not care about winkles or other cosmatic things. But what if I can no longer dance, no longer run the campus loop, no longer swim, and even no longer walk from the one side to the other side of the campus. My current mentality would not be able to handle this nightmare. But you know what, time will change, and I will be fine.
I had a very busy day today, but happy day of course, after finishing the god-damn second draft. Working on a couple of different project for some extra cash, and I think I am over-stating the hours of work. But what the heck, bring down this evil capitalist empire is my duty as a communist party member.
I need to do tax tonight. I have put it off for a while.

new excitement

I am about to finish the second draft of dissertation proposal. So excited.

Sorry that I am still riding high in happiness

You must be bored about my recent threats all about my happiness. Sorry, here is one more. It only seems fair that I am going to exhaust it in multiple posts in order to make up the bad time last quarter. Don't you agree?
I wrote a letter to Gao Shen this morning. It is very awkward to write in Chinese all of a sudden, and a lot of my feelings are lost in the translation. But no shame about it. If she can get half of what I am trying to convey, that's good enough for me.
Talk about laugh. I was reading "the onions" online tonight. I was just a good night, as I was laughing loudly throughout. I do not think that this issue is much funnier than any others, it is just because I am more ready to laugh. the laugh reinforced my happiness, I guess.
Again, I stared at the flowers, and they are still blossoming. They are the witness of my life, the happier part.