My friend (Yuphen)

Yes, I have not forgot my promise of finishing all the 26 friends. Now only Wondra and Yuphen left. Let me have a try on Yuphen. I always worry about whether I can give Yuphen a fair assessment at all. Too many things are too personal. Hiding them would hurt the blog, and disclosing them would infringe on privacy with a biased perspective. Well, let me at least try....

Yuphen was my girlfriend. My love interest in my only serious relationship up to day. It happened 8 years ago, and I called it off eventually. Relationship turned out to be too taxing for my young mind. To be honest, courtship was a mating game that people (animals) have been playing for thousands of year, or now I know. However, while I was in the relationship, I was caught in surprise by how much attention and devotion I had to commit, and I burned out. I burned out so badly that even to today I cannot emotionally relate to her. No anger, no regret, no love, no pity. Two days ago, she emailed me that she resigtered for a marriage. I felt nothing, nothing at all, not even a pinch of "what if", but a shit load of half-assed "I wish you happy".

It is sad that our relationship collapsed after 6 months, and it is even sadder that it still gives me lingering bad taste. For this, I have no one to blame but myself, so I take pity on myself for still being in the singletown and being an emotionless asshole. But deep-down, I know I used to be passionate, romantic, caring and brave to expose my own vulnerability. And I also know that Yuphen used to see the best side of me.

It started quite accidental. In sophomore year, we were studying for the finals in the same radio station studio. We took study breaks together, seemingly enjoying ourselves to be study buddies. Not too many similarities to pull use together, but two things stand out: working in the radio station and a shared aspiration of being a great journalist. I still remember one day we were study in two rooms only seperated by a glass wall. During the study break, we began to draw cartoon pictures and funny comments with inks on the glass. The other side could see through but could not erase. So a war of cartoon drawing erupted on the glass wall. We surely shared a good laughter together.

Some time during the winter break, I decided to pursue her. I want to emphasized the "decide" here, because it really came up as a decision to me when I lied on my bed one night, thinking and analyzing. I could not remember what exactly went through my mind, but it was mainly about the thought that I needed to have a girlfriend. Subcounsciously to me that time, however, I first discovered the enjoyment of connecting with a girl. Human females were wonderful species: they are soft, they are kind, they are less judgmental. By the way, I was also biologically programmed to like their body shape, their scent, their pitch, everything. Hey, why I need guy friends at all if I could be with Yuphen?

Well, I started this blog two weeks ago, but I did not come back until now. As if I tried to avoid writing it. When it started, Yuphen told me that she had registered for a marriage. A couple of days ago, I got her wedding photos. Time flies, scenes change, only I still stay in the same place, as if a sudden and short starvation stopped my growth forever. Well, let me continue the story with Yuphen....

So the winter break was over. I went back in Beijing on Feb 13. I planned to give her a surprise by visiting her home on Valentine's day. After I arrived nearby, I tried to give her a call. Her mom picked up the phone, saying Yuphen was out with a friend, presumably a guy. I was quite disappointed.

Several days later, school restarted. We met each other again in the radio station. Still hanging out like friends, although both she and I knew something else were going on. One night we took a long walk together. I planned to confess, but I just did not have enough courage. So I asked her to walk a circle and circle again around the dorm areas. It got really late, and it was now or never. So I did it. My heart beat got so fast that it almost blocked my breathing rhythm. She calmed me down. We sat on the steps. Now I felt the freezing temporature that conducted itself through the cement of the steps, through my pants and all the way to my butt and the rest. I believe I shivered somewhat. She then told me how it was impossible. She was not ready, blah, blah, blah. It was like the TV talk from romantic drama, and I was crushed.

It was probably my first encounter with depression, only that I did not realize it then. I felt the life in general was quite meaningless. I drank much more. I hid myself in the basement and smoke one cigarette after another. I even once called the "help hotline" of China Youth Daily, although I am still not sure up to today whether it was necessity or it was I that wanted to act up. Anyway, things actually turned out brighter than I could expected. I was persistent in pursuing her. I do not know why I did not take "no" as "no": either I really cared for her, or I believed that persistence was how you get a girl. That's the first bomb in our short relationship, because later I was not sure whether she cared for me or she was just moved by my persistence.

We still remained friends. That period was very strange, because I kept bumping into her randomly. Twice, we were seated together in big classrooms by the most random assignment. If you believed in fate, where else you should look for it. I was not superstitious, but we was quite perplexed. This actually became our continuous conversation topic, better than any ice-breakers.

(To be continued..)