My Crushes (III)

Of course I have not forgot that. Here is the third installment.

Right after I broke up with my girlfriend back in college, it felt quite weird. One minute you had someone special to share your fear and vulnerability, and a minute later you had to face the harsh world on your own. Unconsciously seeking the conform and care from another human being, I began my third crush.

She was in the acting group with me. Let me call her Benty here. Benty struck me as very professional from th every beginning. She was from Beijing, always a student cadre. She was short, but was able to lead people effortlessly. She had a great personality, always happy. She acted always in a socially appropriate way. In a word, she had all the qualities that I admired and secretly hoped that I had them all.

There is one thing I have never understood. After I broke up with my girlfriend, I became obsessed with Benty. Things began to escalate, all in my mind of course, all the way to the point that I had to confess my feeling to her. Obviously, she sensed my obsession at some point. I could not remember exactly, but I must have made some annoying phone calls to her. One night I called her again, asking whether she would like to talk (liao liao). She told me that she was out, so she could not talk to me. I said okey. A minute later I saw her right in my dorm building, preparing with her debate team. (Actually, I did not see her exactly, but I saw her back with the shiny hair clipper. Until today, if you line up 1000 hair clippers in front of me, I can still recognize THAT hair clipper in one second.) I got quite furious. I called her room, and asked her roommate to tell her to give me a call no matter how later she came back.

She finally called later that night and asked what's up. I was like, "not much, would you like to talk?" "I am tired," she said. I insisted, so she finally agreed to come down. We walked around the dorm building a couple of time. I did not confess, of course, since I was too coward in front of a super-capable girl. I think I just talked random stuff, to kill the time. Finally, she said she needed to go sleep. I said okey. She extended her hand to me, "We are still friends, right?" I shook her hand, "of course.... Oh, wait, one more thing." I searched in my pocket and took out a pile of used phone cards. I had been collecting those for a while, because once she told me that she was collecting those. It was a big pile for me, as I begged my friends to give me their used phone cards for three months. She took them and left. I went back to my dorm. I climbed all the way to the roof and cried very hard, so hard that I had some trouble breathing, so hard that it reminded me my childhood, when I was named "crying king" by my dear Niangniang and surrounding neighbors.

Then that is it. I emerged from it quickly, seemingly unscratched but probably hurt deeply. In retrospect, I began to show less emotion and exert more self-control, right from that point on. The only time that I allowed my feeling towards her to take over is when we finished a drama project and all went out drinking. I got very drunk, and so did she. On our way back, I shouted, "I want to walk with XXXX (XXXX is the name of Benty's character in the drama)." So Benty and I got side by side, our arms around each other's should or waist, walking back to the dorm, very drunken. I kid you not, that night I saw a bike on a tree, probably someone's practical joke. The whole group walked from this side of the campus to the other side, and nobody wanted to go back to sleep. So we walked out of the campus and marched on the street. It was that time that alcohol overwhelmed me, and the following was the recount by my friends (I was blacked out): we walked further. We sang loudly. We got on each other's back and one carried each other. I do not know whether I got a chance to carry Benty. I was to shy to ask my friends about that. But chances are that I did. According to my friends, I did not do anything silly.

Benty and I were in the same acting group for the remainder of our college years. I acted as if this episode never had happened. We treated each other with respect and care. We were indeed good friends. Pure friendship, I would say. We were in the senior project together. I played one of the main male character, and Benty played the mom of the other main male character. I had the videotape of the play (Unfortunately, I accidentally threw that away two months ago when I moved apartment. Regret).

Several years after I came to the states, I heard that she got married to a Chinese student in the US. They met online. I actually looked at his webpage and saw their wedding photos. Talk about stalking. Later the rumor is that she started an undergraduate program in that university. Soon the webpage was pulled off, and I lost her info ever since.

To my surprise, writing this entry is quite a pleasant experience for me (I thought it would be otherwise, which is why I have been delaying this writing). I think I learned quite a bit about myself, the self that I have long forgotten. I actually rediscovered that I was such an obsessive and unreasonable person back then. Also, selfish. Now I am heading to yet the very opposite: Extremely reasonable, rational, not care to much about everything. I do not know which one is actually a better version of me.