write something

Well, I have to say I am uninspired to write my blogs recently. There are just not enough twists and turns recently to grant an interesting blog entry.

I have a performance coming up tomorrow evening. My swan song at Stanford. I have a piece called "beans on the floor", my tribune to my dear grandma before she would pass away. I really think it is a good piece.

Still not hear from the consulting firm yet. Get a little restless, even though I did not intend to go consulting to begin with. I guess it is my self-esteem that is at fault. I always think that if I try, I should succeed. It is all about what I can do, and I want to show the world of my ability. I want to be able to say, "see, I am capable of all these things, but I choose to do XXX, so please respect my choice!"

One of my high school friend is visiting me in the past several days. It is sorta awkward, because I do not have a lot of time for him. Well, I guess he still has some fun and gets to know my life in the US as it is.

Busy, busy, busy, that is the theme of the year so far. I have a very busy Saturday today, and now my eyes just want to shut, so go to bed.

a first job interview

Well, life is a box of chocolate, and you never know what's going to happen next. I have been doing well for a while. The most drastic change is that I force myself to go to bed before or around 12am and get up around 8am. It has been helping lift my daily mood tremendously. Last night was one small exception, because my downstairs neighbor has a sharp laughing sound that is able to penetrate my floor. So I got up late.

I went to spanish class first. I have been studying spanish a lot recently, and think that I have begun to get the trick rolling. Now when I try to read spanish aloud, I feel like I am reading in spanish rather than faking some weird sound. Then I went to the dance class. I had a good workout there. When I looked at myself in the mirrow of the studio, I really saw a dancer, confident and calm, focused and smiling. Tomorrow Martha Graham company has a master class and I think I am going to take it.

Then I did some boring work in the library, mostly photocopying. I did a run after. It is rare that I run in two consecutive days. It means I am in a very good shape these days. Couldn't feel better. Then I went to a dinner. I think they invited me by mistake. But hey, the food is nice, and I just sit in the corner, smiling all the time when listening to other people's conversation. Mmmmm, Jamaican chicken....

Then I got an email, inviting me to my first job talk interview in hongkong. Well, I am not really excited about that job, but I am excited about the fact that it is my first job talk. It is part of the game of being in academia. I am a good sport and will play it to my best. Besides, I get a chance to be back in China again. Maybe I will finally finish up my 26 blogs about friends (still need W, X and Y) in China. In another note, I have an interview with a consulting company too. Next Tuesday. It just makes me happy because I have many options now. It feels like a king.

Ok, it is 11:50pm. And I need to obey my own rules to go to bed now. Maybe tomorrow morning I should practice some piano. Ha.

A dump day

Today is one of the crappiest day in a while. Here is how it went. I thought I would get up around 8am, but I slept until 10am. Then wasted some time online. Came down for breakfast and then came back to my room. Read some magazines. It was lunch time, so I ate some leftover. Kept wasting time after lunch. Until 3pm. Went to a friend's place to get a video camera. Went to the gym to choreograph my dance piece, which is due tomorrow 6pm. I found I was in a historical low in dancing, and my creativity was totally clogged. When I watched the video of last quarter, I was quite good. But I am no good any more. Very frustrated.
On the way back, I began to yell at myself (it helped that the homework for the voice class is to yell at something. So you can say that I am doing my homework. But I think I was really yelling at myself). Now there are still 5 hours to go before today is over, and I just took a nice shower. I hope that the rest of the day will be better. I guess I will call Zexum in an hour.

A short one (What's the point?)

I do not know how typical it is for human beings. But for me, once a while, I would ask myself, what's the point of studying spanish, what's the point of taking dance classes, what's the point of managing this co-op house, what's the point of blogging about the friends and rediscovering all those amazing memories, what's the point of trying to have a long-distant relationship, what's the point of loving some music while dislike others? The list could go on and on, and I often find myself being trapped in this line of travial questioning without a clear answer.

I think I need to believe something that is outside of rational deduction realm. Otherwise, i would be without an exception depressed by the prospect of human life. Everything is in vain, and it is great if you never realize that, but it is depressing if you do. And this depression would never go away if you are already a thinker. You just keep fighting with it, and hopefully you will get yourself on top on some days. But then again, what's the point?

Well, I do not know. I feel I have some problems in adapting myself back to the life in school after I had a great vacation in China, and I will get through this one, I believe, soon.

My friend (Alphabbq)

I have to write this one down for now, because if I wait until tomorrow (well, it is actually today, because It has passed midnight) to read Alphabbq’s blog, it is definitely going to change what I want to say about her.

How should I start? I do not know. Meeting her in this city is so random. I went to Tianjin to her Talldeep, and then got a phone number of a friend, and then I called the friend and got Alphabbq’s phone number. Then I came to this city and now saw her for the first time in 5 and a half years. It is quite amazing that we still meet each other after such a long time. Thinking back, I was never a good friend of her before, except that we were in the drama club together, and except that she helped me land a part-time job in CCTV.

If everyone can be described as an object, her object will be a piece of crystal glass. For three reasons. One, glass is transparent. Second, glass reflects whatever it takes in and is not judgmental. And third, crystal glass is fragile.

I hung out with her for two days in the city with her. I had a lot of fun, and never felt bored when we were together. And I also realized that I have known so much of her already in these two days. Sometimes I feel I had a hard time to communicate with people. One type of people do not like to talk at all, so what can I do? The other type like to talk a lot, but they are talking about their theories, their ideas, their rational thoughts about the world. And I hate this kind of boring conversation very much.

Alphabbq is different. She would think of some random experiences and then just say it out. She never judged whatever I say or whatever I do, so I feel liberated to tell her everything. For example, she is the first person to whom I talked about my two failed pursuit of Asian-American girls and my recent love interest of Zexum (Of course, through emails I have told a couple of my good friends. But in person-to-person interactions, Alphabbq really put me at ease). I also told her my past confusion about whether I am homosexual and showed her how I turned 360 degrees around the pole on the train, and I did not feel embarrassed. Being with her reminded me that I was such a kid indeed. In fact, these two days reminded me the time I spent with my one and only girlfriend 7 years ago (In Beijing, when I met with that girl, even she could not remind me the past golden time, because both she and I have changed so much). I was about to tell Alphabbq that, but when I asked her about her boyfriend problem, she seemed to be a little defensive. So I just let it pass to avoid any misunderstandings. But in case she will read my blog, then she will know, and I believe that she will just take it as its face value and do not judge what I mean here.

When we entered a music store tonight, I immediately realized that she loves music. She could stay in front of one CD station for a long time, just to sample different music. So I got a gift idea for her. I bought her a CD of “X&Y” by Coldplay. I never really liked Coldplay’s this third album. But these two days, when I took the train to meet her, my ipod without an exception played the band’s first two albums, which I liked very much. So I know the gift has to be Coldplay’s. But the music store does not seem to have these two albums, so I got “X&Y”. I think she was happy when she got my gift. After hugging her goodbye in the train station, I played “X&Y” all the way back. Actually, it IS a decent album. Well, I guess sometimes I like things not just because these things are of the highest artistic quality, but also because these items represent a connection to my friends.

Fragile? What do I mean here? Well, I am not really sure myself. I told her that I liked to learn to tell fates by looking at people’s faces. Most of times, I would be quite sure what kind of life people would lead, even if later my judgment turned out to be wrong. But Alphabbq’s fate seems to be a big “Depends”. Her personality is very precious and very utopian. When I talked to her, I felt that I am beyond the secular life and I enjoyed the feeling very much. But at the same time, I also understand that this personality is not very adaptable to the real world. I guess that’s what I mean by fragile. If she has a large group of friends that appreciated her style as a supportive network, she will be doing great in the future. Still idealistic, never compromise and making great documentaries. However, if the people around her turned out to be some stupid secular persons (I hate these people, as these people make me feel inadequate while wasting my time to adjust according to them), then she would have a hard time too.

Well, these two days are amazing. Alphabbq and I definitely had a connection, because we could understand each other just like two friends who have already known each other for a long long time. Sometimes I feel the connection got a little bit intimate. And I guess I really want to be part of her supportive network, and she will be mine too. And I guess I will put her blog under my bookmark link so that I can get her updates once a while.

And besides, crystal glass is the best metaphor I had for my friends. Nothing could fit her any better. And now, when I am ready to sleep, I cannot wait until tomorrow to read how she described our meetings in her blog. Good night.

My friend (Zexum)

Zexum is a name I made up in 30 seconds, and I immediately liked it. It has less to do with the name, I guess. It has more to do with the person I want to blog about now. After I finished “Urby” blog, I skipped a little all the way to “Z”. I know this blog will take me some time, so I should start right now. It is Jan 5^th, 2006, three days after a fateful day in Hangzhou. Now I am in Hongkong, and I think of Zexum. I hope she is here with me right now, in this lonely hotel room, writing my blog and preparing my presentation for tomorrow. Different from all the blogs before, I am going to try my best to just tell the facts and let my readers to judge how I feel about her in this blog.

I got to know Zexum back in high school, when I was “Gao Er” and she was “Gao Yi”. We were both in Literature Club. She was the president and I was the vice president. That time, I was very good in maths, physics and chemistry, and was confident enough to take on a new thing: literature. For her, literature came naturally, as she was sympathetic, intuitive and outspoken. Both of us were model students and did not make mistakes in our studies.

Quite some stories in the Literature Club. We had a small office, and I often liked to study there. We tried to organize “Literature Salon”, but it went nowhere. I carved a stamp for the club, just for fun. Through this club, I met another good friend, Wondre, appearing in another blog. One day I put a fake “Reader’s Letter” in the mailbox with the signed name “Xiao Wang”. Zexum thought it was real for a long time until one day I told her the truth. I guess I liked to see her puzzled or surprised, because her innocence struck me as something very pure.

We also put on a show “Venice’s Merchant” by Shakespeare. I forgot most of it, but believed it was fun for putting up the show. I am still struck by how brave I was back then. I think I still had the pictures somewhere. Probably my grandma or my parents are keeping them right now.

Sports meeting. Zexum was, and probably still is, a good long-distance runner. She stayed on campus because her home was quite far away. After getting up, she sometimes ran with the athletes. I am still impressed by her well-round development (For me, I can barely make the passing grade in P.E. classes). In my “Gao San” year, she finished first or second in woman 800-metre event. I went to the vender to buy some flower. I intended to get some carnation, but since that was the last of the sports meeting, it sold out. So I got three red roses. I was shy back then, so I asked a young kid to deliver the flower for me. I could not remember whether I was secretly happy to know that rose was my only option.

Some time during my “Gao San” year, my mom had a stroke (See my previous blog about my parents). I decided to do something meaningful for her. Because she could not talk then, I wanted her to listen to good stories. So I picked up two or three short stories I liked, and then I asked Zexum to record her stories on the tape. She did it. My mom later never mentioned the tape. Maybe she just threw away the tape because the stories were quite bullshit. I was very happy that Zexum recorded the stories without asking me too many “whys”. Maybe I just wanted to bring back a young and healthy mom, and asking Zexum was a natural choice, as I was not embarrassed to let her know my love-and-hate relationship with my parents.

The high school period was ending. During the summer vacation, I invited Zexum to watch a movie together: Forrest Gump. I wrote an essay afterward as a weekly writing assignment. And Forrest Gump is still one of my favorite movies. She also seemed to like it. I still remember that we biked back from “Ying Du” to her mom’s shop. It was a sunny day, and I was in a high spirit.

During college, I often dropped by her mom’s shop in vacations back home. Zexum was a good daughter, so she watched the shop for her mom. Sometimes I would bike through the shop unannounced to see whether she was there. If her mom was there and she was not, I would just fade away without being noticed.

One summer or winter night (I forgot which year), I asked her out to McDonald’s. We finished the food and walked back. I was pretty sure that the following exchange happened. When we walked through the intersession of Zhong Shan Lu and Kai Ming Jie, I told her, “If I was as grown-up in high school as I am now, I would have pursued you.” And she replied with something equivalent to “Me too.” (Okey, now I am sure it is after I broke up with my girlfriend, otherwise I would not say things like that. It is very possible that it is the summer of 2000, just before I took off for the United States). Then we laughed, as if it was an indication about our trusting friendship. I walked her all the way home, and did not remember any other things.

She finished college and then went to Beida for master’s degree in 2001. I saw her three times afterwards.

1 (summer 2002). I saw Zexum and her mom together in Beida. Forgot most of it, but remember vividly that we had dinner upstairs of a place whether students watched videos. The food is “Bao Zi’, as I can remember. Wind blew away our napkins at one point.

2 (winter 2004). I was teaching in Renda then. I saw her and Wondre together in Beida. They treated me with some coffee in some basement coffee shop. That day, Zexum had a boyfriend, tall and shy, probably not as smart as me (sorry, unknown guy, but I did make the comparison that day). I went back. My roommate in Renda also wanted to talk, because a little girl was pursuing him rigorously although he did not like her at all. So we turned on the TV and took the Channel V. We talked and talked. He talked mostly about that little girl and how to get rid of her without hurting her. I talked about all the missed opportunities of having a girlfriend and all I did was running away and running away, from home to Beijing and from China to the States. I did tell him that I had the feeling of “Chi Cu” when I saw Zexum’s boyfriend. I am still surprised by my wording, but “Chi Cu” was the exact word I described my feeling to him. We talked until 4am.

3 (Jan 2^nd, 2006).

At the night of Dec 29^th, I had the realization that I have already liked Zexum. The reasons for the realization are probably the following two: 1. I finally had a complete ending with my one and only girlfriend; and 2. I realized that I had been running away from my feelings all the time. If I ran again this time, that is it. Before, I could always regret and come back. However, this time is different. Now I am graduating and the visa issue would probably prevent me from coming back easily for a while. I could still try, but without a legit reason, I do not believe I would try at all. That night, I was very excited and had some trouble sleeping.

Dec 30^th night, keep thinking of it.

Dec 31^st, I decided to test myself. I told myself, if I could run the loop in my city, I should be able to have the courage to give it a try. I ran it, passed all the passengers like a breeze, surprised most with my sports shorts. I did it.

Jan 1^st, I got the disappointing news that Zexum could not come to my hometown for a meeting. All my planning was ready to fall apart. I met Wondre and her husband at night. Right before the meeting, I made up my mind to go to Hangzhou the next day.

Jan 2^nd, Hangzhou. I saw her….. I am not ready to describe the meeting in details for now, as I consider it to be private. For example, if she eventually says no, I do not want this blog to remind me about my failure for the rest of my life, and I do not want other people, even my dear readers, to show pity for me, even it is sincere. I will write about it if she says, “Yes, please. Come back in March and let’s give a try!”

That’s my story with Zexum. I have been describing facts all along, and now I am ready to present some subjective views, thoughts, feelings and hopes. Please bear with me if they are highly biased.

I’ve tried my best to reconstruct my story with Zexum. These interactions are mostly short but memorable. The memories are bits and pieces, but putting together, I believe that Zexum is the best girl I know of right now. Really think about it, our story has all the ingredients of a great love story (Yes, I am biased, but I still want to say that). I am quite puzzled by why I finally admitted my feeling towards her and why now. Is it because I am more mature now? Or am I tired of being lonely? Am I tired of pursuing some idealistic love? Or do I finally look deep into myself and find out that I have already met the best girl? These are all tough questions, and I am not able to answer any of them for now. All I know is that I want to give two of us a chance to start and to see how it goes. For that, I am willing to sacrifice or compromise my stubborn self.

This is the last post of my blogs about 26 friends. I will keep putting in new friends as I see fit. They will probably follow greek letters. Looking back, I am quite satisfied with all 26, or to be precise, 27. This last friend is myself. In all these blogs, I never detached myself. Rather, I want myself to there in each single one. As I described my friends, I knew myself much better. I make friends and peace with myself in the process. I know I care about the people around me even though I do not want to admit it sometimes. I also know I am deeply flawed myself, in ways that have not been realized by even my dearest friends.

It is the first month of 2006, and I still do not know what is my future and what will make me the happiest person in the world. But believe me or not, I am getting closer to figure them out, day by day, blog by blog. Thanks all my friends, whether they have appeared in my blog or not. You are my heroes, and thanks for having entered in my world, touched my heart, noticed my vulnerability, made me think and write, and taught me love and care. Happy 2006.

Writing plan

I want to skip a little bit on the friend blog. The plan is: W is Wondre, X is Xxyy, and Y is Yuphen. I thought I would blog them when I was in China, and at that time, I was, fresh off meeting them. However, now the time is a little passed, I am a little unsure about when I am going to do that. For one thing, I want to put their name down here, so they will eventually be blogged. At the same time, I want to skip them now into Z and Alpha.

My friend (Vetline)

Vetline is very defensive. That’s pretty much summarize Vetline. That’s the blog.

Okey, okey, I am just kidding. How can I only use three sentences to be done with Vetline? True, there are no memorable stories about him (since he was very cautious and defensive, so he was never controversial enough to make good stories). However, nothing can stop me from making judgments about a person by connecting small dots. As you all know, I am super judgmental, and put everyone under my microscope without mercy.

Vetline is a great person, but he does not want to admit it. That’s how defensive he can get. I was in the same dorm with him. He was handsome and kind. He had his strong beliefs towards almost everything, but he tried very hard to hide his core beliefs. He was smart enough to put up some peripheral stuff on the surface, so when people attacked, he was safe (For example, I regard his strong “nationalism” sentiment as such a peripheral belief). I never figured out why he grew up to be like that, with such a strong ironic combination of ambition and caution. One thing for sure, he used this strategy only for self-protection. He never used it as a weapon against other people. In fact, he tried hard to feed you what you wanted to hear and what you wanted him to do, and sometimes you began to neglect that small portion of insincerity.

I know this above paragraph is rather harsh. I am sorry that I felt that way, because I am one of his good friends. He is a great person, so great that a small imperfection like that really stands out to bother me. So I have to get it out before I write about his greatness.

I still remembered that I had some long conversation with him in the dark of the night. I can no longer remember the contents, but I am sure these conversations were not very personal. Both of us tried to hide our personal problems, but talked about things on a higher level, like national education, the meaning of life, the way politics should work, stuff like that. These conversations never made me a better person, but rather, they made me a smarter person. To some extent, he and I were quite the same. We were not personal, we hid our emotions, we put up masks to protect our self-esteems, we always meant good to other people, thinking of other people’s reactions all the time. That’s how we got attracted to each other to be friends, but that’s also the reasons why our friendship never took off to be one of the greatest.

I visited his city during my stay in China. In fact, he is the reason why I took the trip to Shanghai in the first place, because he told me that he got married and he got a new apartment. I got there and was welcome warmly. As usual, I paid special attention to their interactions to figure out what is going on. The amazing part is how the girl is able to poke fun of Vetline’s defensiveness and still make him comfortable. Now here is the more amazing part: Vetline actually liked it when he was made fun by the girl. Why? Well, here is my understanding. Think of a kid. He would normally avoid a hug from a stranger, but he would allow his dad to throwing him around. Rationally thinking, he would more likely to be harmed by his dad’s throw than a stranger’s hug. However, the trust makes the kid to fall for his dad. In fact, he even gets a thrill from being threatened but being safe. I regard Vetline’s relationship with the girl as the same. Feeling safe, Vetline could finally relax to forget about all the defensive strategies and enjoy personal interactions in their natural state. I am happy for him, and I hope he is enjoying these relaxed interactions much better than those philosophical, political, sociological and personal conversations that we all said we enjoyed (I lied if I used to say so).

Well, this blog is my most unsatisfied blog of my friends so. Vetline is one of my good friends, but Vetline was a person who provided me with few stories to tell (Cautious and guarded, he probably hardly makes the main actor of any people’s memories. In fact, without my last visit to him, I would never imagine). I tried my best, only finding that I over-used my rational analysis. Who knows? Maybe it is my defensiveness that puts him on the same gear, or maybe I am totally wrong about him, or maybe he acted very differently to different people, so what I got here is a very small glimpse of his personality. I want to finish this blog with a last story. When I arrived at Shanghai, I was read to tell Vetline a personal event which happened one day before to me. But eventually, I did not. I guess I was not at ease, and I did not understand why. As friends, we share a lot, everything but personal events. It is fortunate that our friendship would be always stable and rational, but it is also sad that we probably realized the masks between us, but never able to take them down.

My friend (Urby)

Urby is again one of my college friends. He has curly hair and positive energy. He is smart but low-key, has an appropriate manner in social interaction, always have more friends than you can imagine. He does not seem to be selective in making friends, but strangely, after a while, only honest ones stayed friends with him, while others left. I do know why, maybe charisma?

I was definitely not a friend of Urby back in college. In fact, I barely knew him. The only incident I still remember is as following. In senior year, he posted some ads for buying a second-hand bike around the campus. One day his room phone rang and I picked up. It was a potential seller. I came down and was ready for doing the transaction for Urby. God damn it! The campus security guards were following the seller. When the bike was about to change hands, we were caught. Both the bike and my money were confiscated. Worse, I had to wait in the campus security for an hour and then was shipped to Hai Dian Security Bureau. Nobody cared to talk to me there, so I left after a while. That’s what happened. Not exactly about Urby, right? Yep, that is to show you how little I actually know Urby back then so that I have to use this filler materials.

Things changed after college graduation. I still needed to work in CCTV and Clady after graduation, so I needed a temp housing. Mr. Q and Urby were living in a shabby place around Beida then. Mr. Q. was going back home, so I took his place (or something like that). Now Urby and I were stuck in Beijing together in the cheap place. Then, I did not know that I was about to start my best time in four years of college.

Life was hard back then. I had day shift and night shift unpredictably. Once I had about 40 hours non-sleep: a day shift in Clady and a night shift in CCTV, followed by going to the US embassy for visa the next day! I forgot what Urby was doing then. Probably also earning some money. Despite harsh life, we still had quite some spare time. I think I went through all the books by Jin Yong, one by one, rent from a place within Beida. We also bought eggs and Man Tou every day, cheap, but tasty back then. We had a rice cooker, and we used it to cook everything: vegetable, egg, corn, and even hot pot. We also had a rabbit, inherited from a friend who stayed in Beijing for a short period (I remember I blogged about that friend in a previous blog). We were talking about killing and eating the rabbits in the end of our stay, but eventually, I let the rabbits go in a residential area in Renda.

Urby was a great conversational partner. He still is. Some people (for example, me) were picky in conversation topics and easily got impatient if the conversation did not go the way I wanted it to be. For Urby, anything goes. One night, we debated a very stupid topic: In order to get the most out of a electric fan in the summer, shall the fan face inward or outward, stand on the table or put on the ground? (Until today, I still think it is one of the most stupid debates I have ever engaged. But hey, it is really fun!) I forget what’s my view and what’s his view on the debate. Maybe we just tried to disagree to make the fun conversation going on. The conversation soon went louder. I used a lot of knowledge from physics, and he used his everyday experiences. We could not convince each other. Then followed the best part. Our landlord came and knocked our door like a monster. We were very scared and shut up immediately.

Well, when I wrote the story out here, it does not sound as good. But it is indeed one of my best memories in college. Now every time when I met Urby, we would digest this episode again and had a good laugh. Laughing at the stupid landlord? Laughing about our poor but happy life? Laughing that the college life had finished? Laughing at this last episode of our soon-to-be-lost innocence? Maybe all of them, I guess. Maybe Urby and I were meant to be friends. But in college, we missed the chance. After college, I went away to another country. The two months in transition, living together, is the only memory that we can grab on to make a statement, “Look, world, we are friends!” Poor landlord, who lad her day that night, became our laughing materials for ever. Without her, Urby and I wouldn’t be as close as we are now.

I saw Urby two weeks ago in Beijing. He looked all right. Still happy and positive, laughing all the time, still acted like the Urby I used to know. He switched job from a famous company, and I believe that is good for him. For one thing, I would never question Urby’s judgment. Of course, we had a good laugh about the landlord again.

I guess I really miss the time then. Life was so simple. All the classmates just started a career, so no stupid comparison needed to be made. Everyone was poor and everyone was aimless. Now the class is stratified. I hate very much to be labeled as someone from overseas and already seeing the world. That’s why I made every effort to recall those stupid episodes and pretended that I am still one of them. And I believe other classmates are making the same effort. However, when time passes, we will soon be alone again. If I predict correctly, Urby will disappear from my life sooner or later, because the only things that connected us are just some fading memories of stupid events. This blog is to remember a perfect friendship that never existed and a golden time that would never come back again.

My friend (Talldeep)

Her Chinese name literally translates into Talldeep, so be it. I used to think she was the most influential person in my life so far. She probably still is, although I have passed the stage of officially ranking people around me.

I met her through drama club in Renda. She was from “director department” from Central Drama College. Then she was young and I was little. I forgot why I all of a suddenly liked her, since she and I was in two different short plays. One thing was sure. I was quite impressed by her free spirit, and I swear that I had never met a person like her in my life: talking loud, laughing loud, hugging you all the time, talking right to your face rather than reserved, walking like wind, big eyes, pretty, and smart. Most importantly, she paid attention to me, and believed that I had a potential to be great. Today, I feel my impression might just be false. However, the impression really gave me some motivation to be a person I thought she wanted me to be. And here I am, and I hope she have noticed by now.

In my sophomore year, I took a long road trip, biking all the way from Beijing to Tianjin. It took me 12 hours, almost non-stop. My skin took off due to the prolonged exposure to the sun, and my back hurt because keeping in a same position too long. I called Talldeep the same night I arrived. I felt I had achieved something: being somewhat impulsive, passionate, irrational, but happy. As if I had something to prove to her, as if she was my mom and old sister, although I never had such attachment to my real ones. In the following days, I just hung out in Tianjin for a week. I sold my good road bike there and took train back. In totally, I spent less than 100 yuan (plus the money from selling the bike).

Talldeep then disappeared from my life for a while. In my senior year, she was invited back. This time we planed to put on a graduation play: Awakening of Youth. Talldeep talked about this play before, and I was happy to be one of the main characters. In fact, I regard “awakening of youth” is the metaphor of my struggle, as I tried hard to open up myself, to be more intuitive, passionate, speaking of my feeling, be less judgmental and less rational. The battle is still going on, and the blog is also one of the ways I am dealing with it. Anyway, the play was shown one month before graduation. I still think I did not do a great job there. The regrets still haunted me sometimes, as I felt embarrassed every time she mentioned the play. That play became a pity that I could never make up.

I wrote to her once last year when I was in the worst stage of the small depression. My therapist suggested me to write letters to the people who mattered to me. I wrote two: one to my dear grandma and the other to her. In this writing, I suddenly have this crazy thought: maybe I have been in love with her all along. It is very possible, because my rationality could easily convince me that because it was impossible so that I did not love her. But in fact, I did. Complicated. She is exactly the type of woman I will fall in love. But what’s the point here, huh?

Anyway, I eventually took off for the united states, and she married and divorced several times. Last week, I came back from the states and went to Tianjin to see her. She was a little fat now. But she did not seem to be aging. Still laughing loud and happy, still a little self-centric. When we met, she held my hand and hug me. So natural that you couldn’t think of anything sexual. We talked about the past. She told me a lot of my old friends in drama club turned out to be gays. Big deal. I gave her a dvd of my dance. She did not seem to really get what dance meant to me, but she was the closest among all my Chinese friends.

However, the whole trip is not very memorable. Everything is just routine. Maybe I gave the meeting too big an expectation. I wished she would be doing great, having a great husband and have three happy kids. No, that’s not the case. She still stands out, but not the angel in my mind. I feel that Talldeep is now my good friend. I used to give her an aura, but when I grew up myself, the aura is fading and she turns to be not an angel, but just another person like you and me. I think I am in love with a person in mind, a person I made up to make myself a better person. I do not know. It is quite complicated. I think I should be less apologetic about myself being an imperfect actor. Rather, she is an imperfect director too. I still wish her a great life, and I also know that I have grown out of her aura.

My friend (Sabin)

Sabin is a nobody, living in a small town in my province and taking a job for the local government. He is my best friend in junior high school. I have not seen him for about 10 years and hadn’t talked to him on the phone for 10 years until a minute ago. I have to write about him. I started the friend blog to understand my present, but as I dig deep, I realize that something in my past needed to be unlocked before I could understand my present. The writing is no longer a therapy for me. After some time, I couldn’t be healthier as I can tell. However, I also know some stories need to be told before they get lost in the river called memory. I should be the one to write them up.

As I have said, Sabin is my best friend in junior high school. I forget what exactly made us good friends, but here is my guess. I was a nerd back then: short, thin, nerdy, timid, conventional and never standing out. Girls probably never gave a peek to me unless they had some math questions to ask. Boys bullied me, not too much though. As my grades ranked on the top, I basically got my respect from there.

Sabin came from another town 8 hours away by bus. He came here because his dad ran a construction team that happened to have a project in my city. As an outsider, he is also not well received by students who could win popularity contest. More importantly, since he was from a small rural village, he did not seem to understand the politics among young students.

That’s partly the reason why we became best friends. It is mutually beneficial. For me, I got some sincere respect and full embracement of a friend. I got to blab that I had a friend back in school. For him, he got a crack on the network of city kids, and somehow he was also close to unlock a mind that was able to achieve on the top of the class rank. The above is the reconstruction of the history. I am not exactly sure how much of it is reality and how much by my making-up.

I almost forgot all the stories back in junior high school. Probably life was predictably boring back then. However, I remember one trip during my high school. Then he went back to his hometown with his dad. He stayed in the construction field. I took a longest trip in my life then. I remember that I got car-sick even after taking some car-sick pills. I tried my best to lie down, with a wet towel on my head. Every time we passed an inspection point, we had to hide our heads low. Obviously, the bus was overloaded, and keeping our head low helped the driver avoid some road hassles.

Finally, I arrived at the construction field. They treated me well. We did not do much, except just hanging out and playing with the kids there. One night, Sabin had a night shift (It seemed that his father ran out of people for shifts, so his son became a perfect candidate). I volunteered to take the shift too. They said no, but I managed to wake up around 2am and followed my friend. The sky was clear, full of stars. It was summer, so I did not feel too cold. Sabin knew a little bit of constellation, so we tried to recognize which stars belonged to which constellation. Sabin boasted about a telescope that his father’s team had. At night, the work never stopped. The building in construction had about 10 stories already. Workers made jokes, loud enough for people in the bottom and on the top to hear. We picked up some small pebbles from the field and threw them for fun. I could not remember whether I pissed on the field too.

That was a fun night. In the following days, we visited “Yandang” mountain. But I cannot remember much. The only thing is that we took a photo there, and I remember this because I had the photo in my possession.

That is the last time I saw Sabin. More than ten years passed. A minute ago, I called him. He was married last year, and would have a baby next year. His father is still working, but no longer has the amazing energy that used to impress me. His handsome little brother grew up too and graduated from college. His brother got into a car accident last year and hurt his legs. The legs almost recovered by now, but during the time of healing, he got quite fat. Sabin got a job in local tax bureau, and passed the civil-servant exam with a number one ranking in his town. He said he was impressed by how far I had gone after we departed: first a famous college in China, and then a famous university in the States. The praise was so sincere that I did not feel any embarrassment.

Anyway, that’s Sabin. Sometimes I tried to have a strong ending for my blog. But for him, I guess this simple finishing sentence is enough. Hope to see you again, my friend.

My friend (Rudlf)

By some strange rules that I made up right on this spot, one of his Chinese character in his name becomes Rgdlf. And I change the second letter, to make it Rudlf, and make it sounds like a good English name, although not exactly.

In age, Rudlf is smaller than all the classmates. But physically, he is large. He never got used to the dorm life. In my sense, he likes a place where power hierarchy is clear and people either give commands or receive commands. For this, dorm life is too much politics for his to handle (Did I mention that he always aspires to be in the army?). He got some trouble in junior year for sleeping trouble. He had to quit school for a while to put himself together. Maybe he is gay? (I do not know why I suddenly think of that, but just to make my blog more controversial, I want to announce here: I am quite sure that one of my dorm mate is gay. Just wait and see!)

Rudlf eventually finished college one year after us. He got a job in public security bureau. He seemed to enjoy it, as it gave his a lot of predictability that he could not receive from a dorm life full of politicking. For this, I am happy for him. In the big gathering, someone mentioned that we had some smaller gatherings on Sunday. Almost everyone knew that we just said so with no real actions intended. However, on Sunday, I got his call, when he got a car from his unit and waited for me and other friends in Renda. Other friends eventually did not show up, but I did. I want to meet friends, but more importantly, I know I have to. As he made such a good deals in trusting friends, I need to try my best to not make his trust to be disillusioned. I always say that friendship is really about showing up and being there. When I say that, I really mean it.

However, he is no longer a nice person any more. His work requires him to go down to different branches to inspect local operation. With the power, he got some habits that I hated the most. For example, when we went to eat, he treated the waiters and waitresses badly when the dish was a little bit late. Also, he likes to blab about his power of getting rid of traffic violation bills by “guanxi”. I can imagine that I would be treated badly if I weren’t his friend and had something to ask him.

Luckily, I am his friend. Living overseas added some more auras on my head. He still showed off, but in a nice way. He sincerely asked me for information about living in another country. Obviously, he is proud of me, and proud of himself by the association. He drove his car from his unit, very proud of his power of getting a car for his private use. I am happy for him too. But deep now, I hope he could be the Rudlf I knew back in college. Societal experience made him growing up, but also taught him survival skills that benefited him by crushing others. Maybe he would never realize my worry. And he does not need too. As people take different paths, who am I to judge which path is the right one for him. On the other hand, I know I would never cherish my friendship with Rudlf as much as Mr. Q., even if I try hard, even if I have something to ask him for favors, even if life teaches me survival skills just like his.

My friends (Mr. Q.)

I have promised that I would continue to blog about my friends. I will.

During my stay in Beijing, I met so many old friends. It sounds cheesy, but I still want to say that I was touched every day. They treated me well, and I am going to write about them. I will not be very selective here. What I will do is to blog about my friends I met, no matter how much I already knew them before. I try to give a random sample here.

The more I came back to China, the more I realize that I am here for a mission. A mission to pull all the old friends together, to have a conversation not too related to money, not too much complains, and most importantly not too fake. The more I came back, the more I realized that the meeting is not for me any more. It is for everyone else, allowing them to have the blagging power of having a promising friend overseas. This is why my gathering is always well received by my friends. Please do not misunderstand me as saying I am myself selfless. No, I am very selfish, because it is one of the few times that I can feel I am bigger than myself. Not about “me, me, me”, but “we, we, we”.

The first friend I want to mention is Mr. Q. I guess I feel that he slightly resembled the famous character by “Lu Xun”. Mr. Q. is pursuing his Ph.D. degree in Beida. One of the few friends who are still in college. He is a great guy, because he is always honest and straightforward. And nerdy. Just think about it. He was a party member already when he came to college 10 years ago! Because of his nerdiness, he was always picked up on by his “bad” roommates.

I actually always have a good time talking to him. I still remember the time when he and I could recite the script of “Da Hua Xi You”. Not like a lot of “so-called” friends, he never gave me credits that I did not deserved and praises that makes me feel patronized. I guess it is hard for him to survive in China just because of that, and I feel sad for that.

During our lunch together, he complained a lot about his Ph.D. study, and told me a lot of his career aspirations. His honesty really struck me, as my other friends were barely that trusting. You know, when you put all out, you are vulnerable to be hit hard, especially by stupid jokes and insincere praise.

I think he is worried about his future. He talked about the uselessness of his study, and looked for a job that could match the pay and status with his peers. He admired my overseas experiences, thinking I am in a much better positions that he is. He is reluctant to let me see his room and his wife. He even skipped the gathering. I feel that he is very conscious about his self-esteem, and felt ashamed by standing side-by-side with me and other friends that used to give him a hard time. Not surprisingly, I totally understood his dilemma.

I really wish him to get a great job and earn a lot of money. Not only because he deserved it, but because he is the one who will not use that as a status card to exploit and patronize other people, to make other people feel small and sorry. Next time if we meet again, I hope he will have less complains, and we could try to recite the scripts of some stupid movies again. I enjoy that, and I know he will enjoy that too, because deep down, both of us are nerds and always longing to take a breath from harsh reality.

My family (II)

I think I have a lot more to say now. As I am spending the past several days in Ningbo, I picked up memory capsules here and there, trying my best to put together the way I grew up. How I become the person I am, and where I am going.

My real paternal grandpa passed away last month. His life is a tragedy (maybe he does not think so, and I hope he does not think so). He looked for freedom throughout his whole life, detaching himself from gossips, loving arts, and trying hard to be independent. He is stubborn too, just like me. His whole life is tangled up with all the trivial things, to the extend that he himself probably took it for granted that life sucks. To some extend, I grew up in his mode, only I have more opportunities to realize his dream. I do not really have too much emotion towards him, as I only visited him once a while. I just feel sad when people I know passed away, as if it reminded me that life could be so light that people just lived and died with no impacts in between whatsoever. I myself never believe there is another life after, and sometimes when people died I do not even hope they would have another life. Not because another life is not precious, but rather I feel their life would be pretty much the same given another chance. But for my grandpa, I hope there is another.

My sister’s baby is growing up. I feel sad, as I see the abusive treatment of little kids in real action, in my family. I really hated my parents for that, as they were the ones who are most abusive. I can do little. I am sorry to say that, but I do see a life is withering. Not physically, of course. But I bet the mind would be destroyed soon. I am really really sorry.

I know I am being critical here. To be honest, it is unfair for them, as I just show some pities towards their everyday life and then running away to a faraway country. But sometimes, I know I am born to be critical, never satisfied with the way that my loved ones are and hoped they could be perfect. I take the blame for being like that. Selfish indeed, as if by blaming them for the imperfect ways, I can contribute all my own failures to them while maintain my own inner-peace. What a fake!