My family (II)

I think I have a lot more to say now. As I am spending the past several days in Ningbo, I picked up memory capsules here and there, trying my best to put together the way I grew up. How I become the person I am, and where I am going.

My real paternal grandpa passed away last month. His life is a tragedy (maybe he does not think so, and I hope he does not think so). He looked for freedom throughout his whole life, detaching himself from gossips, loving arts, and trying hard to be independent. He is stubborn too, just like me. His whole life is tangled up with all the trivial things, to the extend that he himself probably took it for granted that life sucks. To some extend, I grew up in his mode, only I have more opportunities to realize his dream. I do not really have too much emotion towards him, as I only visited him once a while. I just feel sad when people I know passed away, as if it reminded me that life could be so light that people just lived and died with no impacts in between whatsoever. I myself never believe there is another life after, and sometimes when people died I do not even hope they would have another life. Not because another life is not precious, but rather I feel their life would be pretty much the same given another chance. But for my grandpa, I hope there is another.

My sister’s baby is growing up. I feel sad, as I see the abusive treatment of little kids in real action, in my family. I really hated my parents for that, as they were the ones who are most abusive. I can do little. I am sorry to say that, but I do see a life is withering. Not physically, of course. But I bet the mind would be destroyed soon. I am really really sorry.

I know I am being critical here. To be honest, it is unfair for them, as I just show some pities towards their everyday life and then running away to a faraway country. But sometimes, I know I am born to be critical, never satisfied with the way that my loved ones are and hoped they could be perfect. I take the blame for being like that. Selfish indeed, as if by blaming them for the imperfect ways, I can contribute all my own failures to them while maintain my own inner-peace. What a fake!