a small lapse

In retrospect, I think I had a small depression in the past week. I did not really know how I got into it, and did not realize how I got out of it. But I just know it happened, by comparing the mood and my work productivity. Well, whatever. It troubles me too much just to think about it, so stop intellectualizing!

Yes, II rejected the CUHK offer

After ten days of nursing my left foot, I am back running. It feels a little uncomfortable in the first 500 hundred meters, but after that, it feels normal. In the future, I wish I will be more careful.

Procrastination on my thesis is a big theme for me this quarter. I am busy in thousands of things, and they give me perfect excuse to not looking at my crappy thesis at all. Now things are winding down, and I hope I will be break enough to open these files over this spring break. Also, my paper is rejected from Social Forces, and now I need to revise this paper too so that I can submit it to other journals. Still not much information about law schools and post-docs. I just hope I will not be stuck with a worst case scenario.

I am going to teach a class this spring quarter. This will make a good quarter for me, and also add a nice item to my resume.

Spanish final exam is coming. I am review the book one chapter after another. I think I have a very good sense of the language now. I can read well, with the assistence of online dictionary. If people slowed their speaking enough, I can catch a phrase or two. Just finish the piano class. I can play some simple scores after several practices. My music reading is bad, but my muscle memory is pretty good, thanks probably to my dance training. I think I should play several pieces really well, so that I can show off once a while.

rejection of an offer

I turned down a great job offer in the past several hours. Haven't regretted it, and maybe I never will. It just feels right to do so, even though I cannot see its immediate effect yet. I need to see my advisor on Saturday. I guess I have a lot to explain, and I still do not know how.

my left foot

I almost felt that my left foot cracked last night. Last night is the last perforamance of "Urban Nights". We had small glitches several times. Then in the free improvising mode, I jumped high and then someone pushed me. I landed on the upper-surface of my left-foot, and I heared three distinct sounds of "cracks". a lot of thoughts went through my mind that time, "oh, my gosh, fractures". I played on the ground for a while, until the acute pain was gone. And then got up to finish the piece.

After I came back, I was very worried about the foot. I hope this is not the end of the physical activity. The foot is fine in any normal activities, but I feel some pains when I pressure it inwards. I hope it will going to heal. I have never been so scared about my injury. Before I would just laugh it off, believing it is going to be fine. Not this time. I was lying in bed thinking about it for a long time before I fell asleep.

I bought some flowers for my dance group last night. It was a hit. I feel you can make people happy by justing doing small little things. Besides, since there are other dance groups also, my group members now felt they were special because they could hold a flower back to the dorm as their trophy. Of course, I went back home empty handed. I just could not resist the temptation to give away as many flowers as possible, so I left none for myself.

In general, life treats me well (if my foot will be okey). I lowered my expectation about my future, so it felt better. I did not call Zexum yesterday, because it was Sunday in China. I felt very awkward when I called her on weekends, and could imaging her mom eardropping (I know her mom actually quite well). So I will call her tonight. I am going to visit my friend's place tonight, maybe catching some glamorous moment of Oscar. And then back to the management selection meeting, which is quite stupid to begin with. I have helped to set up a compost plot for my house, and felt like a big achievement. I finished the chair painting, and I hope I will upload a picture of that soon. California keeps raining, and I hope the weather next week will be good. If my foot heals, I should resume running at time soon.

unfair

Last post is a little bit unfair in describing my current life. In actuality, I quite enjoyed it. Both positive and negative feelings existed, but I do not know which one is the REAL reality. So just want to be fair and balanced, like fox news.

Losing control?

Although I am managing it well, I know I am not doing well recently. At 8pm tonight, I felt that I was so exhausted, an exhaustion from days of disappointment and crazy schedule. I lay down for a while, listening to some music. Phone rang, and a stupid conversation. Smiling faces on the surface, I know I am sinking pretty badly.

How so? Well, it is all stupid, because it is all about expectations. I thought I would have a lot of options for the next year, but it turned out not to be the case. The options I have right now it not bad, but I am just not satisfied because of the high hope. Most of the time I hide my ambition quite well, but once I strike, I want to hit the target. But this time, I might just miss it badly. Sigh....

So there is really no big deal. Working in hongkong, or stay in my school for one more year on post-dos. Either is not bad. But what really hits me is my growing doubts about the matching between my ambition and my ability. I have been cruising all the way until today, and now I face a first ever drawback in my whole life. Live with it, I tell myself. But another voice is always there, telling me all kinds of negative things about myself. So that's the state of my mind. I have been planning my game all along, but all of a sudden, I find myself not in the driver seat any more. So a little bit car-sick now.

Ok, let me describe my day today. This quarter is my busiest, and here is why. Last night, went to bed at 1am. Got up at 9am. Shower, eat, and went to class of spanish at 10am. 11am, meeting in the library. 12:00am, department talk. 1:15pm, voice class. 2:10, meeting with my tutee. 3-5pm library work. 5pm returned to my dorm. Played some piano. 6pm dinner. 7pm, spanish homework. 8pm lay down a bit, called Zexum. 9pm, dance rehearsal. 11pm, return. More spanish homework. Almost every single hour was occupied. Crazy day it is. Tomorrow will be similar. All the way until Saturday. Take a break on Sunday. Next week will be better, as I will finish off all the spanish homework and dance rehearsal. I think I am over-committed this quarter. Part of my problem is that I do not know how to throw away burdens as I walk along. Rubbish!