Losing control?

Although I am managing it well, I know I am not doing well recently. At 8pm tonight, I felt that I was so exhausted, an exhaustion from days of disappointment and crazy schedule. I lay down for a while, listening to some music. Phone rang, and a stupid conversation. Smiling faces on the surface, I know I am sinking pretty badly.

How so? Well, it is all stupid, because it is all about expectations. I thought I would have a lot of options for the next year, but it turned out not to be the case. The options I have right now it not bad, but I am just not satisfied because of the high hope. Most of the time I hide my ambition quite well, but once I strike, I want to hit the target. But this time, I might just miss it badly. Sigh....

So there is really no big deal. Working in hongkong, or stay in my school for one more year on post-dos. Either is not bad. But what really hits me is my growing doubts about the matching between my ambition and my ability. I have been cruising all the way until today, and now I face a first ever drawback in my whole life. Live with it, I tell myself. But another voice is always there, telling me all kinds of negative things about myself. So that's the state of my mind. I have been planning my game all along, but all of a sudden, I find myself not in the driver seat any more. So a little bit car-sick now.

Ok, let me describe my day today. This quarter is my busiest, and here is why. Last night, went to bed at 1am. Got up at 9am. Shower, eat, and went to class of spanish at 10am. 11am, meeting in the library. 12:00am, department talk. 1:15pm, voice class. 2:10, meeting with my tutee. 3-5pm library work. 5pm returned to my dorm. Played some piano. 6pm dinner. 7pm, spanish homework. 8pm lay down a bit, called Zexum. 9pm, dance rehearsal. 11pm, return. More spanish homework. Almost every single hour was occupied. Crazy day it is. Tomorrow will be similar. All the way until Saturday. Take a break on Sunday. Next week will be better, as I will finish off all the spanish homework and dance rehearsal. I think I am over-committed this quarter. Part of my problem is that I do not know how to throw away burdens as I walk along. Rubbish!