what's worth blogging

Once in a while, it will come through my mind: What's actually worth blogging? Well, that is a rhetorical question. The whole point of blogging is to get rid of the judgment, so everything I think is worth blogging is wroth blogging.

I guess it takes stupidity in order to enjoy the life. I was stupid to think that I should double my running milage today, so I ran the campus loop twice. It turned out to be a better experience. In the first loop, I paced myself better; and then when the second loop hit, I was in a runner's high. Time and road scenery went by in a different pace. The rhythem of my breath was in a flow that I did not need to manage it. My leg muscle was more relaxed, while the frictions with my shoes made my foot bottom a little hurt. After the run, I was calm. I look out of the window. The wind is blowing through the leaves of trees outside. Leaves swing like the notes on a music sheets. The sun light casts different shadows on different leaves. The leaves grow out of the branch in a beautiful fractal (a word relevant to chaos theory) way, random but in a unnamed order. I haven't been in such a peaceful mind for a while.

Tonight is my house's special dinner. During lunch, people were talking about what to wear. How stupid! However, really think about it, how else you can enjoy a special dinner. Not everyday is a groundbreaking enlightment, not everyday is you conquer Mt. Everest, not everyday you earn your first million dollars. Life is full of mediocrity with sparcles of excitements here and there. So what's wrong with doing something stupid to enjoy the life? Moreover, dressing nice isn't that stupid, is it? Let me look over my wardrobe now...

Every day a struggle, every day a triumph

I really suspect that I have some chemical inbalance in my body. That makes my morning quite miserable. My solution is to work out on a bicycle machine for 40 minutes every morning. People might think I am addicted to workout. To some sense, I am. But to a broad sense, I deny it. I care less about building the body or make myself more physically fit. Rather, it is really about how I am going to make my day. It is a struggle that people with a peaceful mind rarely understand.

I am now in a spurt of productivity. I just finished a third chapter of my thesis tonight. Also last night, I got a good idea of a journal paper. I am going to finish that paper in two weeks, I think.

I started my second to last entry of my 26-friend series (Yuphen) last Tuesday. I haven't been working on it since. But when it comes out, it will be a good one, I promise.

Other news: 1. I got admitted into a summer institute conducted by Stanford Business School. I guess I am going to learn something about business this summer. This could potentially diversify my appealing when I look for a job in the future. 2. I had my fMRI study today. It was a follow-up of my hypnosis study. I got an image of my brain as a momento. Pretty cool.

200th entry

Last Mother's day, I blogged about my mom. And again, happy mother's day. I will not call you, as it will feel pretentious on your part. Besides, I do not have much to say anyway. I would rather be a bad son than living in an awkward moment. After the biology class, I begin to understand my pre-natal environment (a.k.a. my mom's stomach) determined who I am. Quite scary, as if the worst curse for a bad son is: to allow the time reverse, the mom stressed herself out during pregnancy, so that to guarantee the bad son would suffer from depression. That's the darkest implication of what I've learned this quarter.

Some small summeries about my life. Since this is my 200th entries, I deserve to have a summary, don't you think? My dad will be coming to visit. I know it is probably his most glorious moment in his retirement, I want him to get visa and plan travels smoothly. On the other hand, I do not think I would enjoy too much the time when my dad is visiting. Just do not have too much to talk to my dad. I do not think he would ever understand me and vice versa. But, if I can pretend to be enjoying the time throughout, then he will be happy and I will be happy eventually, knowing he is easily deceived. Anyway, complicated feelings.

I think I have found my identity. Cannot name my idnetity for sure, but I know I get more comfortable with my body, my thoughts, my logic, my feelings and the world around me. Sometimes, I lip-synched outloud, sometimes I moved my body with the music, I told people my so-called secrets, I said "hi" to people without being too shy, I talked about myself without judging before-hand-"how other people gonna react to this." These might be nothing to a lot of people, but for me, they are great leap forward. I've fought my own demons all the time, and I begin to see the chance of winning.

On another hand, my personal relationship takes another dip. Nothing major, but it just gets a little bit annoying. Why me again?

Run No. 129 this afternoon. I think I am physically ready for tomorrow's performance, during which I might be honored because I am graduating this year.

Start a day with a hug

Over last weekend, I was talking to a girl in my dorm in the morning. She told me that she broke up with her boyfriend because she found out that she was lesbian and sort of cheated on him. Then two morning later she saw me in breakfest and gave me a huge hug. So here it is. Letting another person know a big secret is building an intimate relationship.

When she hugged me from the behind with her right arm, I felt the female's soft body, surrounding me like a warm scarf in a cold winter. Couldn't smell too much, but if there is a smell, I must've liked it. I lowered my head, trying to rest my head on her hand, as if resisting the gravity was making me tired and I just wanted to let it go and flow. My neck touched gently with her breasts and my backhead was with her face. If there is a snapshop taken that moment, I can tell you why it is the most beautiful photo that human beings can ever produce.

The hug really made my day. I was all happy and full of energy. Subcontiously, I know I liked the hug a lot, but got them too rarely. Thanks, XXXX. Do not want to name you, just in case people want to track you down.

This is my 199 entries in my blog. I am quite surprised that I have kept blogging for such a long time. Some of the entries are great, and others must be crap. But I try not to be sudgmental. Do not expect appauses from my readers, and do not care if people read wrong meanings into my blogs. That's what keeps me going and going, eventually will leave a precious time capsule for an older me.

These are days

"These are days" is one of my favorite songs by "10,000 maniacs".

These days I live happily. With one small imperfection though. When it first emerged last Friday, I thought it was no big deal. Actually, I thought it was part of my plan anyway. However, it annoyed me in minutes, hours and days, just randomly creeping into my mind, unannounced. Before I realized it, it already pissed me off a bit, like water sunk into a sponge, little by little, until it got all heavy and dripping.

Other than that, it is perfect. Tomorrow I am going to give two workshops. My boss finally wrote a recommendation letter for me. She is very willing, but she is a big procrastinator. So it took me 1 months and maybe 5 emails to get it nailed. Talking about American inefficiency! I will perform dance one more time this Sunday. It will not be my best show, as I know that my physical capabilities are going downhill fast in the past year or so (not to help is my ankle injury). But it will be my fanale, my swan song, something I can feel happy and sad at the same time, something that I do not want to get a video tape of but always remember.

SF and Spring MIgration

Today I biked all the way to SF with Victor. It is about 45 miles. I got a flat tire in the middle, and Victor helped fix it. I only had my T-shirt and my short, so I was freezing after 10 miles or so because it was so cloudy and windy. At one point, I had to jog with my bike to keep myself warm. But nice experience over all. I am very happy that I did it today, although my legs feel like full of mercury right now.

I went to watch the Spring Migration show today. I was in the same show in the past two years. This year decided not to do too much dancing, so I did not audition for a piece that I was likely to get in. Now this piece turned out to be my favorite tonight, and I am little regretful that I was not in it. I said to myself,"If I just strech myself a little bit, maybe I could've put that off, dancing while finishing all other shit." Well, too late, dude. My decision is mine to regret, and I know I cannot have it all, as life is full of imprefection.

I sent an email to Hope, my favorite dancer, choreographer and person:)

Hi Hope:
I watched spring migration tonight. I love your piece! It was mesmerizing that I lost track of time. (Just so you know, the other day I got a hypnosis test, and my hypnosis score is 8 out 10!)
Your dad was actually 2 seats away from me. He was saying, "That's my daughter! Why the program booklet does not include the Columbia Law School thing?" He must be proud of you.
Anyway, I waited in the reception place for maybe 15 minutes and did not have a chance to see you there. Just wanted to say hello and tell you how much I enjoyed the piece. Hope everything else is well too. For me, I have got a post-doc position at Stanford for next year. I am
also on the waiting list of three law schools. I hope one of them will work out eventually and then I will make a decision of whether I will take it. Life is well for me, though less about dancing and more about dissertation recently.
I will come to see your show with Margaret Jenkins, although I am not sure which day.


I do not know I want to publish this email. I just want to, because I know I will sleep better tonight if I do.

Brain wiring

I am about to study in Stabucks, but my ipod need recharge. So it gives me some time to write this short.

I just called my dad to make sure he is on track to get his passport and visa. He is not a good listener, and I am not sure I get my point across. He also does not seem to ask questions, so I am not really sure whether he gets it. Of course, my Ningbonese gets pretty bad, so if he did not get it, it is partly my fault. But all in all, I just have problems in general to communicate with my family, before and now. Nothing changes.

I finally got a check-up on my ankle and it turned out to be okey. But I was afraid that doctor would tell me something was wrong. Overall, fear is one of my major weaknesses. I fear a lot of things: being wrong in answering questions, standing out in a crowd, social dancing, being rejected, making a potential wrong decision, wasting time, or nothing. In elementary school, I cried when the teacher caught me red-handed for some insignificant wrong-doings. Fear got me away from a lot of troubles, and that why I can blog about it rather than working at a night-shift in a fast-food factory today. However, these fearful experiences take a toll on my even today, makes me a tentative, reluctant, over-cautious social coward. I really do not know I can ever reconcile with those early experiences.

The other day, I was listening to a biology class. The teacher said that there is one important area in limbic system that manages fear, sexual behavior, aggression, depression and punish and reward reinforcement. I guess that's the part of the brain that really messes me up sometimes. Somehow in the early childhood, the wiring of this part of brain took a self-protective route. It helped me manage my early life, but now all of a sudden I find myself so different from most of people in the united states.

I guess my ipod is done, but I am about to leave. This blog is another self-over-analysis, my signature way of blogging. Somehow, knowing all the truth is not fun, but I cannot resist but writing them all out. The knowledge was gained by learning new insights into familiar words. For example, I have very different understanding about self-esteem, fear, abuse, depression, anxiety, spiritual etc. than before. I hope I am getting wiser.

blood donation

The past two weeks I am trying to stick to my schedule. Work during the weekdays and relax dueing the weekends. It works out quite well. On work, I had a draft on my chapter two last tuesday. On relaxing, here is my last weekend. On satureday morning, I went for a bike ride: 14 miles of Portola Valley. Returned to my dorm, and found out a vomit mass in one of the bathrooms from last night's party. Cleaned it with Yani. Unintentionally clogged the sink because we used absorbant powder which dropped into the pipes. After it was done, I went for a blood donation. Felt like Comrade Lei Feng! A little tired afterwards, normal for blood donation. Had a good 10-hour sleep.

On Sunday, I chatted up with my friend Victor in a coffee shop. We planned to ride 35 miles all the way to San Francisco next weekend. Sneaked into the second half of a Gilbert and Sullivan musical. On the way out, I saw Marshal and Maimi, so I chatted again. At night, I watched the movie: Good Morning, Vietman.

It is Monday, and I plan to recover from blood donation. Ran about 1 mile. Felt a little tired still, but I know I am still in a weak but good shape. Now I am typing up a blog before I head out to get some dissertation work done. Isn't life sweet?

What else did I do? Well, I have been reading some good books: Kite Runner and The Miracle Life of Edgar Mint. I am on the waiting list of three law schools. Try to keep my hope alive. My dad is getting his passport on May 20th, and I hope he will get visa in time. I am going to watch the dog and the house for a professor. I guess my dad could stay in the house too. My dissertation is going well. I can almost see the end of it. I realize that the management team began to fall apart, but just hang on for 5 more weeks and then we can say we had a fantastic year. What can beat that? The spring migration dance concert is coming. In the past two years I am a dancer, and this year I will be among the audience. Pitiful and content. I got a score of 8 (0-10) on my hypnosis test. Last night when I was on the bed, I tried to hypnotize myself. Small tricks, such as I can concentrate on my arms so that they rise or they attract to each other. It is the power of belief. Since I believe in hypnosis now, the belief makes it all possible.