Brain wiring

I am about to study in Stabucks, but my ipod need recharge. So it gives me some time to write this short.

I just called my dad to make sure he is on track to get his passport and visa. He is not a good listener, and I am not sure I get my point across. He also does not seem to ask questions, so I am not really sure whether he gets it. Of course, my Ningbonese gets pretty bad, so if he did not get it, it is partly my fault. But all in all, I just have problems in general to communicate with my family, before and now. Nothing changes.

I finally got a check-up on my ankle and it turned out to be okey. But I was afraid that doctor would tell me something was wrong. Overall, fear is one of my major weaknesses. I fear a lot of things: being wrong in answering questions, standing out in a crowd, social dancing, being rejected, making a potential wrong decision, wasting time, or nothing. In elementary school, I cried when the teacher caught me red-handed for some insignificant wrong-doings. Fear got me away from a lot of troubles, and that why I can blog about it rather than working at a night-shift in a fast-food factory today. However, these fearful experiences take a toll on my even today, makes me a tentative, reluctant, over-cautious social coward. I really do not know I can ever reconcile with those early experiences.

The other day, I was listening to a biology class. The teacher said that there is one important area in limbic system that manages fear, sexual behavior, aggression, depression and punish and reward reinforcement. I guess that's the part of the brain that really messes me up sometimes. Somehow in the early childhood, the wiring of this part of brain took a self-protective route. It helped me manage my early life, but now all of a sudden I find myself so different from most of people in the united states.

I guess my ipod is done, but I am about to leave. This blog is another self-over-analysis, my signature way of blogging. Somehow, knowing all the truth is not fun, but I cannot resist but writing them all out. The knowledge was gained by learning new insights into familiar words. For example, I have very different understanding about self-esteem, fear, abuse, depression, anxiety, spiritual etc. than before. I hope I am getting wiser.