My friend (Yuphen) (Part III)

Let me finish it off today. I have been delaying and delaying this post for no reason. Right now I am very tired, but I am determined to not go to sleep until 10pm (to get over the jet lag). So let me just write a little bit.

Every time I travelled back home, I would be touched by people and events. Besides, I had time to think, to reflect, to self-analyze, not like when I am in states where everything is in fast tempo and I tried to convince myself not to overthinking. Some people might call it inspiration. I tend not to think that way.

Yuphen and I began to fight over small things soon after our best time. I still did not figure out why. It was as if both of us wanted the relationship to be somewhat dramatic so that we refused the life's inherited mediocrity. Fighting seemed to spice things up, getting both of us emotionally attached, happy and sorrow, like roller-coaster. What can beat the sweetness of make-up after a big fight?

However, at least for me, the fightings were chipping away the foundation of our relationship. I got very exhausted. I expected relationship to be epically exciting, but soon I realized it was too much for me. Besides, my self-insecurity got the best of me.

I all along knew Yuphen was almost as tall as me. One day I was sorting through party membership application or something and found Yuphen's application. It turned out that she was 4-5 cm taller than me. I did not feel that when we walked together, but in retrospect, she probably wore flat-shoes and slumped her back, as she liked to do. It was a big deal for me then, because all of a sudden I felt I lost the relationship already. I was quite depressed. You know I used to have this habit: when I stressed out, I would write trash on a piece of scrap paper. Yuphen happened to see some of them (as a young couple in love, we shared almost anything). So I confessed. I think she understood me, but she did not think that was a big deal. I, as silly as I was, began to exercise jumps, because urban legend has it that jumping makes a taller person. Accidentally, my physical fitness started from there. I am still a very good jumper in my beloved modern dance. Even when I jog, I tend to jump quite high, not because it is efficient, but just because I can.

That was a small incident, but you can see that my immaturity and self-doubt isn't made for a stable relationship. And finally, we seemed to run out of topics. As all the small jokes and smart talks ran out, we (at least I) realized that the relationship did not really have a good foundation to begin with. I admired her for her elegance, for her hard-working, for her kindness, and she probably like some of my traits. But is that enough? I did not think so then. For a while, I was very annoyed by her obsessiveness, as if it reminded me my worst time with my parents and my Niangniang. My longing for freedom just could not take a back seat, and I thought that might be enough.

The turning point was really around summer, as I realized that I did not think of her as much as the past winter when I was pursuing her liek crasy. Five of my friends visited Beijing with me, and Yuphen and us hanged out a little bit. Our relationship recovered a bit, because now we had a new set of common friends, which meaned some new topics. But it did not last long. On September, I told her I wanted to break up with her. Three days later, I registered for GRE, and the rest is history.

I think the breaking-up was a big shock for her. Since I was quite an introvert person, she probably did not see any signs of its coming. It probably hurt her more than it did to me. But to be honest, it also deeply cut into my self-righteousness. For a while, I had doubt whether I was a good person. That year, when I watched the movie "Saving Private Ryan", when Tom Hanks' charactor stood in front of tombs and asked, "Am I a good person?" my tears were almost non-stoppable in the darkness. I think I related to the movie in a really strange way: when either option is bad, does choosing the more intuitive way makes you a bad person? Since that day, whenever I do something, I have never escaped from asking myself, "Am I a good person?" This question is especially troublesome when I realize what's best for me is not necessarily best for my family. Usually I will just do whatever is best for me, always leaving me with this moral burden to carry.

After the break-up, we promised to still remain friends. But it was harder than we hoped. Today, 8 years after, me still single, she just married. I think we are friends now. Coincidentally, when I peeked at her blog written a couple of days ago, she had a similar sentence "Yes! We are friends!" Just to make it even, I hope she would also some day read this blog of mine. This is my side of story, and I hope very much it is fair for her too.

Of course, I cannot do a full disclosure of the complete chronicles. Some of the events are too small, some of the events are silly and some of them are even embarrassing for me or for her. Just in case Yuphen will be reading this blog, however, I want to make an appointment with her. Some day we should share both sides of the story as much as possible, because I still have some silly things to tell. They are so silly that you will have to laugh at, have to puzzle over, and have to admire what a beautiful thing the young love is.