Back to my bitching mode

Okey, since I need to finish off my dissertation soon, I have to work very hard at Starbucks this Winter break. This actually gives me more opportunities to write my blogs. The random writing serves to relieve my nerves and distract me from the real work. Of course, I will be bitching about the hard work ahead. You know, bitching is always bittersweet, both at the moment of writing and at the moment of later reading.

I went out for a grocery shopping today. My co-op closed over the winter break, so I need to find food myself. I went to a Chinese food store. I got very excited and got a bunch of my favorite food. For dinner, I cooked rice, half a fish and some vegetable. It went well, but it also made me to be nostalgic. I like these dishes because they gave me a comfort derived from familiarity. I used to eat them a lot when I was a kid because Niangniang cooked them all the time. But I do not feel I liked them tonight. The cat fish even made me a little sick. Because when I was eating it, I all of a sudden felt so lonely, so lonely. It was like an invisible hand that grabbed my heart mercilessly. I turned to a bottle of yogurt to fill my still half-empty stomach.

Well, I have been making all the choices myself ever since I discovered my own decision-making ability around high school time. Since then I have never relinguished this power to anyone else. Good decisions or bad decisions I do not care, as I am determined not to regret any decisions. Now at 29 years old and still as lonely as a solitary cat fish, am I in some sort of trouble? My best time might has passed, or it is still to come in the future, I do not know. What I do know is that I do not want to entertain the thought that I will be stuck in the current state for quite a long time. But rationally, I think I probably will. So if thinking about it is more depressing that writing the dissertation, why not go back to the writing?