Yesterday I watched the movie "I, robot" with Victor. I used to watch 3 movies with 6 dollars, now it is 10 dollars for one movie. Damn capitalism, you've corrupted me.
Anywho, we played "red alert" late night. Something alerming happened. I was so excited when I beated Victor and Frank that I could stop making hysteria laughing sound. I think there may be something in my blood that is fond of bloody violence, which was pretty much suppressed by my internalized social rules but released after a exciting video game. Just as a side note, sometimes I am also sexual aroused by violence. It is sort of embarrassing, so I wouldn't go further on that comment.
Sometimes I just do not understand how to be happy, and the thinking of this question adds to my dismay. But I think I've been happy since last week, thanks much to my trips that relaxed me.
I went to swim yesterday. Do you ever have a compulsion that you have to do something? If I ever have one, it is for yesterday's swimming. I had a great swim, and find my freestyle is picking up. I am like a fish, gently touch the water and let it swooshing by while my two arms plunge strokes in a rythm that matchs my breathing patterns.
Damn Pat. She's made such a big deal about my working hours. Now I have to clarify with people that my working hours are less than forty. I can hate her for ever just for this small hassle she've created. MMmmhahaha!
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Doing nothing
I am doing nothing since I came back from my two road trips. So we played red alart.
But there are some busy time looming. I am going to lead some discussion sessions this week for ALC. The library SSDS job also started, so I might just milk the work to get my 20 dollar per hour payment. The summer is ending, so I also need to have my first draft of dissertation prospectus. It seems a high order. TA website should alsp be started, stupid. I am looking forward to those busy days.
But there are some busy time looming. I am going to lead some discussion sessions this week for ALC. The library SSDS job also started, so I might just milk the work to get my 20 dollar per hour payment. The summer is ending, so I also need to have my first draft of dissertation prospectus. It seems a high order. TA website should alsp be started, stupid. I am looking forward to those busy days.
Monday, July 26, 2004
Trip to Las Vegas and Lake Tahoe (II)
It is time to recap my time in Lake Tahoe. First of all, many thanks to Connie and Ed to provide the room and meal. This is my third time in four years to spend a summer weekend in Lake Tahoe. They voted for Republicans in most elections. They are self-rightous and looked down over alternative life styles. We disagreed in a lot of issues, but I loved them nonetheless. Connie and Ed, you are just like my grandparents, and I could write enough words to express my gratitude.
On the way there, I was stuck in traffic jam for 2 hours. i couldn't belive that was the second time in two days! It seemed a lot of people driving to Lake Tahoe to escape the Bay Area heat wave over the weekend. Although I was one among them, I hate the rest of them, because they were all part of the traffic jam. Damn!
There were also a couple Onur and Emine (not married) from Stanford. We spent the second together most of the time. We visited the famous Emerald Bay, and then hed to Kings Beach. I tried to jog for three miles, but after 1.5 miles, I have to combine walk and run for the rest of the distance. In such high altitute, I think I did ok nonetheless. I tried to swim too. The wave was big because the shallowness of the beach and the constant passing of boats. After a while, I gave up, lay down on the sand and just relax. It was a great day.
Yesterday we went parachuting. Of course, Connie and Ed paid for it. Because I did not weigh more than 150 pounds, I could not fly individually. So I went up with Connie. I will post the pictures up in the sky in a moment.
Late afternoon, I left the cabin after hugging Connie and shaking hand with Ed. I then drove on the Nevada side of the lake and hit a casino in Stateline. Actually, that was the casino where I lost 40 dollars in 30 minutes this past winter. So it was almost logical that I lost 45 dollars there again. I promise I will not gamble there ever again, since I have such a back luck there. To my comfort, I won in video poker there. Maybe blackjack is just not my cup of tea.
I arrived in Victor's apartment at 10:30pm. (In case you do not know yet, I stay with Victor until next month, when his wife Rachel and son Justine come back) He was playing Red Alart with Frank online. He lost badly to Frank. Not to further embarrass him, Frank offered to play ally with him against computer. It turned out to be a bad move, because the computer beated the shit out of them with nuclear weapons. We went to bed at 1am.
That is why I am still sleepy now. I got up at 7am in order to work in the 8-12am shift in the library. I spent the past hours just to recap my experience in road trips. Overall, I was sitting in a car for 24 hours in five days, covering almost 1000 miles. It was relaxing, and I hope I can do it soon again.
On the way there, I was stuck in traffic jam for 2 hours. i couldn't belive that was the second time in two days! It seemed a lot of people driving to Lake Tahoe to escape the Bay Area heat wave over the weekend. Although I was one among them, I hate the rest of them, because they were all part of the traffic jam. Damn!
There were also a couple Onur and Emine (not married) from Stanford. We spent the second together most of the time. We visited the famous Emerald Bay, and then hed to Kings Beach. I tried to jog for three miles, but after 1.5 miles, I have to combine walk and run for the rest of the distance. In such high altitute, I think I did ok nonetheless. I tried to swim too. The wave was big because the shallowness of the beach and the constant passing of boats. After a while, I gave up, lay down on the sand and just relax. It was a great day.
Yesterday we went parachuting. Of course, Connie and Ed paid for it. Because I did not weigh more than 150 pounds, I could not fly individually. So I went up with Connie. I will post the pictures up in the sky in a moment.
Late afternoon, I left the cabin after hugging Connie and shaking hand with Ed. I then drove on the Nevada side of the lake and hit a casino in Stateline. Actually, that was the casino where I lost 40 dollars in 30 minutes this past winter. So it was almost logical that I lost 45 dollars there again. I promise I will not gamble there ever again, since I have such a back luck there. To my comfort, I won in video poker there. Maybe blackjack is just not my cup of tea.
I arrived in Victor's apartment at 10:30pm. (In case you do not know yet, I stay with Victor until next month, when his wife Rachel and son Justine come back) He was playing Red Alart with Frank online. He lost badly to Frank. Not to further embarrass him, Frank offered to play ally with him against computer. It turned out to be a bad move, because the computer beated the shit out of them with nuclear weapons. We went to bed at 1am.
That is why I am still sleepy now. I got up at 7am in order to work in the 8-12am shift in the library. I spent the past hours just to recap my experience in road trips. Overall, I was sitting in a car for 24 hours in five days, covering almost 1000 miles. It was relaxing, and I hope I can do it soon again.
Trip to Las Vegas and Lake Tahoe
I did a lot of travelling this past week, and surely had a lot of fun.
From Tuesday to Thursday I was in the sin city: Las Vegas. I flied there to meet my good friend Victor, who was driving across the country back to Bay Area. We kept a big dog and a cat in the hotel room and walked the dog several times a day. It was hot out there, and the air felt like in a sauna room. Actually, the ground was heated up so badly that the dog almost burned its feet while walking down the street in the afternoon.
Of course, what else you can do in Las Vegas? Gambling. Both of us were smart, or so we think, because we tried to remember the basic strategies for blackjack and video. We succeeded in remembering them, but not so much in beating the house's advantage. I lost about 35 dollars, and victor lost about 5 dollars. Nonetheless, we had a good time.
We also drove to Hoover Dam. The name seems to indicate a huge dam, an impression that has also been delivered by documentaries on public TV. But it is actually very small, and it almost looked no longer functioning. Maybe nothing is impressive any more after you've grown up. The same is for water dance in front of Bollagio (you probably saw it in the last scene of "Ocean's Eleven"). It is such a fake scene, almost like a big capitalist scam. I was not impressed, and I hope nobody will be impressed by it. But the society always creates stupid things for status representation. If you see Bollagio, you have high status, and more so if you can talk smart things about what you see. I hope I can escape this stupidity.
It took us 11 hours to be back. There was a big traffic jam on the way out of Las Vegas. We were stuck there for 2 hours, moving with a speed of walking the dog. For a moment we even worried about our car would be overheated by standing still under the sun for so long. The way across the desert was not that bad, actuakly. Partly it was because we went into a stupid debate on what was best social policy. Victor was not convinced by my criticism of his "best" social policy, but we shared a bunch of good laugh, which was the whole point of the debate.
Victor is my best white friend, for sure. I cannot imagine what my American experience will be like without him. It surelly would be interesting and adventuous, but definitely less relaxing or feeling like home. He grew up in social welfare, but he kept an upbeat life style while not losing his root from a poor family. He actually made me feel the imperfection of America. Ironically, he was also the new hope of America, and probably would make it a better place. No doubt, he has made America a better place for me.
I've wrote too much for Las Vegas. I will post my photos and my trip to Tahoe in my next posts.
From Tuesday to Thursday I was in the sin city: Las Vegas. I flied there to meet my good friend Victor, who was driving across the country back to Bay Area. We kept a big dog and a cat in the hotel room and walked the dog several times a day. It was hot out there, and the air felt like in a sauna room. Actually, the ground was heated up so badly that the dog almost burned its feet while walking down the street in the afternoon.
Of course, what else you can do in Las Vegas? Gambling. Both of us were smart, or so we think, because we tried to remember the basic strategies for blackjack and video. We succeeded in remembering them, but not so much in beating the house's advantage. I lost about 35 dollars, and victor lost about 5 dollars. Nonetheless, we had a good time.
We also drove to Hoover Dam. The name seems to indicate a huge dam, an impression that has also been delivered by documentaries on public TV. But it is actually very small, and it almost looked no longer functioning. Maybe nothing is impressive any more after you've grown up. The same is for water dance in front of Bollagio (you probably saw it in the last scene of "Ocean's Eleven"). It is such a fake scene, almost like a big capitalist scam. I was not impressed, and I hope nobody will be impressed by it. But the society always creates stupid things for status representation. If you see Bollagio, you have high status, and more so if you can talk smart things about what you see. I hope I can escape this stupidity.
It took us 11 hours to be back. There was a big traffic jam on the way out of Las Vegas. We were stuck there for 2 hours, moving with a speed of walking the dog. For a moment we even worried about our car would be overheated by standing still under the sun for so long. The way across the desert was not that bad, actuakly. Partly it was because we went into a stupid debate on what was best social policy. Victor was not convinced by my criticism of his "best" social policy, but we shared a bunch of good laugh, which was the whole point of the debate.
Victor is my best white friend, for sure. I cannot imagine what my American experience will be like without him. It surelly would be interesting and adventuous, but definitely less relaxing or feeling like home. He grew up in social welfare, but he kept an upbeat life style while not losing his root from a poor family. He actually made me feel the imperfection of America. Ironically, he was also the new hope of America, and probably would make it a better place. No doubt, he has made America a better place for me.
I've wrote too much for Las Vegas. I will post my photos and my trip to Tahoe in my next posts.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Ok, I wouldn't say that my pecan pie is a huge success, so I skip the pictures here. Hehe.
I originally plan to go to a movie this afternoon, but i got locked out accidentally without my car keys. So I red TIME maganize in Victor's backyard instead. It turned out to be a great afternoon, but better than the one I would have spent in the dark theatre if I were not locked out.
I red one long article about John Edwards. I am intrigued by his life, his personality and his success. It would be an overstretching to say that I admire him, quite a lot. His optimism and charming is such a great gift that I can myself only imagine if I could ever have one of them. I believe he would one day be the president of the US, probably a great one.
Ever listen to Vienna Teng's songs? It is great, I guarantee. Go to http://www.viennateng.com/ to download some samples. Hye, if someone out there are preparing something for my birthday, her CD would just hit my heart:-)
I originally plan to go to a movie this afternoon, but i got locked out accidentally without my car keys. So I red TIME maganize in Victor's backyard instead. It turned out to be a great afternoon, but better than the one I would have spent in the dark theatre if I were not locked out.
I red one long article about John Edwards. I am intrigued by his life, his personality and his success. It would be an overstretching to say that I admire him, quite a lot. His optimism and charming is such a great gift that I can myself only imagine if I could ever have one of them. I believe he would one day be the president of the US, probably a great one.
Ever listen to Vienna Teng's songs? It is great, I guarantee. Go to http://www.viennateng.com/ to download some samples. Hye, if someone out there are preparing something for my birthday, her CD would just hit my heart:-)
Friday, July 16, 2004
Pecan pies
I will make two pecan pies tomorrow. Pictures will be provided soon. Hope they will not look too nasty!
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Video game
Ok, this might sound embarrassing, but I played video game the WHOLE day yesterday. It was so exhausting, but I just couldn't stop in the middle of the game. So I finally went through the whole game at 00:30am this morning, and felt exhausted but guilty about nothing accomplished. Some battle scenes even appeared on my dream. (By the way, the game is Call of Duty. No matter how guilty I feel about my own action, I recommend the game nonetheless.)
But there are two up sides of yesterday's stupidity. First, I had the most imagitive dream as I can remember. The dream was clearly in my mind when I woke, but now I forget them all. There were things I could name, events that are totally out of logic. Second, I had a great day today. I am much more motivated, and can appreciate outdoor activities and readings much more. It is just like people on drugs. Doing drugs is a stupid thing, but the ecstacy (might be misspell) just might convince people its worthiness.
Well, after one day of abusing my time, I have some catch up to do. And give me strong immunity to be away from video games for a while.
But there are two up sides of yesterday's stupidity. First, I had the most imagitive dream as I can remember. The dream was clearly in my mind when I woke, but now I forget them all. There were things I could name, events that are totally out of logic. Second, I had a great day today. I am much more motivated, and can appreciate outdoor activities and readings much more. It is just like people on drugs. Doing drugs is a stupid thing, but the ecstacy (might be misspell) just might convince people its worthiness.
Well, after one day of abusing my time, I have some catch up to do. And give me strong immunity to be away from video games for a while.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
lower the threshold
Yesterday I had a great talk with an long-time friend. I told her that I had repressive personality. To my surprise, she was not surprised at all (Other people actually know me much better than I have realized). She was only curious about how I could pull it off, that is, being a repressive person but still living with it peacefully. Well, I dunno. I think I just apprear to be calm, but so much actually going on deep down. I just had too much consideration of what would happen if I disclose my feelings. And if you know my early life, you should know my bad social skills when I was a child. I have a hard time to figure out what is appropriate time of showing emotion and what is not. As a result, I tend to keep feelings to myself to avoid the embarrassing moment of showing emotions in a socially inappropriate way.
My repressive personality comes a long way to explain why I haven't had a girlfriend in the past 6 years (WOW, it is a long time). So maybe I should lower my threshold of say "I like you".
My repressive personality comes a long way to explain why I haven't had a girlfriend in the past 6 years (WOW, it is a long time). So maybe I should lower my threshold of say "I like you".
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Naked thoughts
Most of the time my thoughts are not naked. I mean, my real feelings are usually buried under layers of social norms and so-called rationality. But once a while, something external can trigger myself into a mode of true reflection, and that when I should be blogging. About thoughts that might sound a little edgy, but real nonetheless. For those of you who are only interested in my life in concrete terms, skip the following.
On journalism: Why I chose it and why I gave up eventually? I guess I have given different answers at different times to different people. But here is a cynical version of it. I love fame and power. So when I thought reports have both, I pursued the career. But after some part-time jobs, it did not live up to my expectation.
On happiness: I do not mind doing repetitive work everyday, but some changes have to be on the horizon that I can looking forward to. I enjoy the process of climbing th social ladder, or that I am always self-discipled enough to convinced me of the enjoyment. On the flip side, I would break down if no possible changes on sight and I am stuck in whereever I feel my life withered waway.
On why you should be the best, or at least pretend to be the best: "You have to" is the short version of the answer. "You better to" is more like an argument. One thing stuck me the most in the US is that most people shamelessly think they are the best, most interesting, sexually apealing, most experienced, smartest. This illusion may explain why most of the people here are happy.
On journalism: Why I chose it and why I gave up eventually? I guess I have given different answers at different times to different people. But here is a cynical version of it. I love fame and power. So when I thought reports have both, I pursued the career. But after some part-time jobs, it did not live up to my expectation.
On happiness: I do not mind doing repetitive work everyday, but some changes have to be on the horizon that I can looking forward to. I enjoy the process of climbing th social ladder, or that I am always self-discipled enough to convinced me of the enjoyment. On the flip side, I would break down if no possible changes on sight and I am stuck in whereever I feel my life withered waway.
On why you should be the best, or at least pretend to be the best: "You have to" is the short version of the answer. "You better to" is more like an argument. One thing stuck me the most in the US is that most people shamelessly think they are the best, most interesting, sexually apealing, most experienced, smartest. This illusion may explain why most of the people here are happy.
Friday, July 02, 2004
Summer Job
I am tired now. My co-worker in the gym did not show up, so I have to turn the half-ass job into a full-ass one on my own. Talking about jobs, this summer I have so many jobs that I begin to worry about my progress of my dissertation. 4 hours in the library, 8 hours in the gym. I am also picking up some easy hours from my department. Unlike writing the dissertation, those jobs have immediate pay-off, some of them are either paying well or as easy as sitting for straight hours.
But people are selfish indeed. Sometime I will overreport the hours I work. For example, if I install some software while doing some shreding during the waiting time, I will double count the hours. Or I will work out in the gym myself when there is no supervisor. But you know, everybody does that. Today my supervisor asked me to purchase a digital camera and printer for the organization, but I feel that she will take it home when there is no departmental events.
Ha, but it is still for your best interests to be part of the game. Unlike in the fairy tale, you do not want to be the stupid kid who shouts, "the empiror dons no clothes." I am not complaining here. Actually I gained some in-kind benefits by gaining trust from them. But hey, is it the real world I will have to live with soon?
But people are selfish indeed. Sometime I will overreport the hours I work. For example, if I install some software while doing some shreding during the waiting time, I will double count the hours. Or I will work out in the gym myself when there is no supervisor. But you know, everybody does that. Today my supervisor asked me to purchase a digital camera and printer for the organization, but I feel that she will take it home when there is no departmental events.
Ha, but it is still for your best interests to be part of the game. Unlike in the fairy tale, you do not want to be the stupid kid who shouts, "the empiror dons no clothes." I am not complaining here. Actually I gained some in-kind benefits by gaining trust from them. But hey, is it the real world I will have to live with soon?
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Music and others
After several days of slacks, I plan to pick up with blogs with the topic of music.
I am currently sitting in front of computer, taking notes from a great book "equality by design". My ear-plugs are playing Sarah Mclachlan's "last dance", the most romantic music I've heard for a long time. By the way, I highly recommend the album "surfacing". It just seesm to make my boring job of taking notes less boring, and sometimes carries my thoughts away to some unforgetable moments.
One of which is the scenes in Washington D.C. A girl and I spent one whole day in national mall. Sometimes we walked so close that our arms touched each other. She cried in front of Vietman War Memorial, and I had an urge to just hug her. I know, I know. I was just so close to say "I like you", but I knew I wouldn't. It was my problem, and I have to live with it.
But strangely, I never feel regrets for those lost opportunities. For me, life is just a play without explicit scripts but with implicit destination. I am just curious to see what's next, not regreted on what has passed. So maybe that is my another problem, and i just have to live with it too.
I am currently sitting in front of computer, taking notes from a great book "equality by design". My ear-plugs are playing Sarah Mclachlan's "last dance", the most romantic music I've heard for a long time. By the way, I highly recommend the album "surfacing". It just seesm to make my boring job of taking notes less boring, and sometimes carries my thoughts away to some unforgetable moments.
One of which is the scenes in Washington D.C. A girl and I spent one whole day in national mall. Sometimes we walked so close that our arms touched each other. She cried in front of Vietman War Memorial, and I had an urge to just hug her. I know, I know. I was just so close to say "I like you", but I knew I wouldn't. It was my problem, and I have to live with it.
But strangely, I never feel regrets for those lost opportunities. For me, life is just a play without explicit scripts but with implicit destination. I am just curious to see what's next, not regreted on what has passed. So maybe that is my another problem, and i just have to live with it too.
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