So I did not keep my words of posting more in the past week. A lot has happened in the past 15 days or so. Let me do a little recap. Things will be brief, and I will try to put facts rather than thoughts.
I talked to Emily about my frustration about the whole thing with the girl, and I does feel much better afterwards. Emily is such a nice girl. I gave her a Christmas gift "Five People You meet in Heaven". This book accompanied me when I felt frustrated, and I hope she would enjoyed it too.
I got a climbing shoes from craigslist for 20 bucks while taking a trip to SF with Victor faimly.
I then went to LA for Christmas. I had a really good time, probably the best trip ever. My friend anna and her husband treated me well, and I did not feel the pressure of being a guest. I envied their relationship, because they are so happy together. I hope I can find a girl like anna too, always being understanding, kind and well-grounded. Have a good life, buddies. My favorite moment is the discussion about how to make less splash while dumping in the toilet. It just fulfilled my dream of being naughty. The second one is stealing the little magnet from Universal shop. It fulfilled my dream of being bad, at least for an insignificant while.
I came back with Zomara, a nice and big girl. We had a nice conversation before listening to the national story project (audio book). This trip is quite an experience for me. Tomorrow I am going to pick up Chuan-Mei. Weird, when I do less academic work, I am happier. Maybe I am bound to do something else? What do you think?
I went to SF with Xiaobin to buy a car. It was a scam, and I think I figured it all out at the very beginning when the milage does not match, but I handled well to push things forward while not making other friend embarrassed for their poor judgment. I think I am really growing up.
I am going to crash at Victor's place tomorrow, because Chuan-Mei is back. I have not get any gift for her yet. Maybe 4 trips to airport are enough. I think so.Ha.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
I have to post a second message
yeah, I have to. I did some thinkings this afternoon, and half way through the book of "five people you meet in the heaven". I am not sure I will change my atheism belief ever, since it is just over naive to explain everything mysterious into a almighty god. But I does feel life is so full of mystery that I gave up on my rationality to explain them all.
I jogged today. I felt every step I hit on the ground, it took with my energy, as if I have so much emotions that I just gave them all back to the earth. And I did not feel as tired. To the end, I even have a feeling that how good it is to just keep running since you would not be bothered by everything except your heavy breath. Do not mistake this note as my frustration of love. Not at all, or at least it is not how I think I feel. It is just a burst of energy that could carry me for a while.
But I does have a dirty little secret now. I was in a meeting this morning, so I turned off my cellphone and totally forgot to turn it on this afternoon. Then the girl called and had to leave a message. I heard it later afternoon, and suddenly had a strange idea of not erasing it. No, I am not perverted so something, not at all. I just want to have something external that really recorded what I went through this quarter, and I even doubt I would ever listen to it again. It is just my idealistic version of story: there has to be something as prove that we have lived. Strange, isn't it, but it is me. And no more denial to my version of world, which is distorted by my ideas and rationality, but it worths talking about, isn't it?
I jogged today. I felt every step I hit on the ground, it took with my energy, as if I have so much emotions that I just gave them all back to the earth. And I did not feel as tired. To the end, I even have a feeling that how good it is to just keep running since you would not be bothered by everything except your heavy breath. Do not mistake this note as my frustration of love. Not at all, or at least it is not how I think I feel. It is just a burst of energy that could carry me for a while.
But I does have a dirty little secret now. I was in a meeting this morning, so I turned off my cellphone and totally forgot to turn it on this afternoon. Then the girl called and had to leave a message. I heard it later afternoon, and suddenly had a strange idea of not erasing it. No, I am not perverted so something, not at all. I just want to have something external that really recorded what I went through this quarter, and I even doubt I would ever listen to it again. It is just my idealistic version of story: there has to be something as prove that we have lived. Strange, isn't it, but it is me. And no more denial to my version of world, which is distorted by my ideas and rationality, but it worths talking about, isn't it?
So here you go again
There are certain things I can just not say to her, aren't there? Yes, I guess it right. I have lunch with the girl, and it turns out to be a great conversation. But still there are things hidden. No, no, not that I still like her. After several months of not seeing, i am not sure if the feelings are still there. Admittedly, I am nervous before seeing her today, but it is more like the nervousness before a job interview, not that you are in love with the job. You know what I mean? I sorta of worry the way she would treat me, a weird sketchy graduate student or an old friend.
The latter, it turns out. I appreciate that very much. Although I was upsetted by her because she missed some proposed meetings, who cares if anyway when time passes by. And I thought I would like her to know my life this quarter, including my therapy or stress, but I chose not. I do not know why, but that's just the taboo that I would not be able to talk to her, probably forever. That's the price I am paying, and indeed, it is sad that I lost a friend. Not that I will talk to her about my life without the incidence. It is just that now even the option is gone. Maybe for good, saving her a stupid sensitive talk from a male.
But I means, ain't I happy these days? I am relaxed and self-motivating, doing my own things and rebuilding my self-esteem. Now even the uncertainty caused by the girl is gone. If life could be even better, show me please. Otherwise, I will take this naive belief that I am on top of my cycles.
And take it easy, buddy.
The latter, it turns out. I appreciate that very much. Although I was upsetted by her because she missed some proposed meetings, who cares if anyway when time passes by. And I thought I would like her to know my life this quarter, including my therapy or stress, but I chose not. I do not know why, but that's just the taboo that I would not be able to talk to her, probably forever. That's the price I am paying, and indeed, it is sad that I lost a friend. Not that I will talk to her about my life without the incidence. It is just that now even the option is gone. Maybe for good, saving her a stupid sensitive talk from a male.
But I means, ain't I happy these days? I am relaxed and self-motivating, doing my own things and rebuilding my self-esteem. Now even the uncertainty caused by the girl is gone. If life could be even better, show me please. Otherwise, I will take this naive belief that I am on top of my cycles.
And take it easy, buddy.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Hi, the first several days of nothing to do
Hi, buddy, I want to know life still, do you?
Here I am again, joyfully experiencing some good moments of my life. Spent a bunch of money, which makes me happy. I have got most of Christmas presents for all my friends. I think they are all good. Oh, I mean the presents, but friends too of course.
I am finally taking on the LA trip, and the decision makes me feeling I am in control again. I do not know where I will visit or my complete itenary, but it will be blast.
I am taking protein now. I have been rejecting the idea for a while, although I know some friends are taking them. Now I am like: hey, the worst season of writing is over, why not trying something new. It might be ineffective to gain weight, but there is no harm.
But I am unhappy about one thing. I am not disclose it here, since it involve a friend at my university who is in trouble right now. I have believed he's gonna fail anyway, but what annoyed me is that nobody seems to care anymore. Anyone is caring there own business. Even when they help, it is because they can feel they have the power. I do not think they give a shit about the person who is struggling and how he feels. Damn, I do hate the world, which consists of selfish bastards.
Here I am again, joyfully experiencing some good moments of my life. Spent a bunch of money, which makes me happy. I have got most of Christmas presents for all my friends. I think they are all good. Oh, I mean the presents, but friends too of course.
I am finally taking on the LA trip, and the decision makes me feeling I am in control again. I do not know where I will visit or my complete itenary, but it will be blast.
I am taking protein now. I have been rejecting the idea for a while, although I know some friends are taking them. Now I am like: hey, the worst season of writing is over, why not trying something new. It might be ineffective to gain weight, but there is no harm.
But I am unhappy about one thing. I am not disclose it here, since it involve a friend at my university who is in trouble right now. I have believed he's gonna fail anyway, but what annoyed me is that nobody seems to care anymore. Anyone is caring there own business. Even when they help, it is because they can feel they have the power. I do not think they give a shit about the person who is struggling and how he feels. Damn, I do hate the world, which consists of selfish bastards.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Forgotten
Ok, I have not written in the blog for a while. Sorry, if you are waiting day and night just to see piece of thoughts from me. And I feel sorry for you, but thank you.
I just finished a god-damned paper. I hate the process of writing a paper, but like the feeling whern it is done.
Tomorrow I am going to shop in GNC and the rest will be history. And safeway too. Tomorrow should be do nothing day. Or do little day.
I am going to continue to write something here in the coming days.
I just finished a god-damned paper. I hate the process of writing a paper, but like the feeling whern it is done.
Tomorrow I am going to shop in GNC and the rest will be history. And safeway too. Tomorrow should be do nothing day. Or do little day.
I am going to continue to write something here in the coming days.
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