So here you go again

There are certain things I can just not say to her, aren't there? Yes, I guess it right. I have lunch with the girl, and it turns out to be a great conversation. But still there are things hidden. No, no, not that I still like her. After several months of not seeing, i am not sure if the feelings are still there. Admittedly, I am nervous before seeing her today, but it is more like the nervousness before a job interview, not that you are in love with the job. You know what I mean? I sorta of worry the way she would treat me, a weird sketchy graduate student or an old friend.
The latter, it turns out. I appreciate that very much. Although I was upsetted by her because she missed some proposed meetings, who cares if anyway when time passes by. And I thought I would like her to know my life this quarter, including my therapy or stress, but I chose not. I do not know why, but that's just the taboo that I would not be able to talk to her, probably forever. That's the price I am paying, and indeed, it is sad that I lost a friend. Not that I will talk to her about my life without the incidence. It is just that now even the option is gone. Maybe for good, saving her a stupid sensitive talk from a male.
But I means, ain't I happy these days? I am relaxed and self-motivating, doing my own things and rebuilding my self-esteem. Now even the uncertainty caused by the girl is gone. If life could be even better, show me please. Otherwise, I will take this naive belief that I am on top of my cycles.
And take it easy, buddy.