Identity

First, I want to post something written on May 28th.

"This blog is created on May 28th, but I intend to publish it after June 8th.

Just finished a nice walk and conversation with D. I do not know what get into me, but I feel sad now. I might just get an unofficial rejection. I guess that's the reason. She also asked me why I hadn't initiated phone calls recently, and I gave her a selfless reason like that, "I did not call you because I did not interrupt from your work."

But now I find I actually have a more selfish reason. I began to get a feeling that things wouldn't work out between us in the end. If I do not initiate phone calls, I could rationalize the eventual rejection by thinking, "hey, I've never tried hard in the first place." I do not know whether it is gonna make me feel hurt less by intentionally cheating myself. But if I really think about it, that's my only chance to keep my own well-being intact. So as selfish as it could be, I tolerate my selfish behavior."

So here I go again. These days I couldn't be happier, I have to admit. But I also know there is something still bothering me. I do not think May 28th's blog really gets to the core, so I here will try again. Two issues, in general:

1. D. would sometimes say, "why are you so nice?" The correct answer probably is "I cannot help." Despite my effort of presenting the real me, I have to say that D. still brings about the best out of me, a rather rationally selfish person. I do not the reason though. Maybe I do not want to disappoint her expectations...... But you know what? Being able to be a good person makes me feel good, but I just do not know how much of it is my nature, and how much of it is my intentional effort.

2. Identity. I guess now I really do not care how to categorize my relationship with D. Whatwever it is, I have a good time with her (Today, we just played some sort of kid toy to build an airplane and a car before she took off. I like to be physically close to her and talking about nothing serious). However, it weirds me out when I was in her dorm earlier today. When I saw her dorm mates, I just did not know how to act any more. Who am I in relationship to her? I guess if I can put it in a category, it would be easier to act it out. But I just cannot. I used to act as "friend", but today I saw the guy across the hall for the fourth time in a month, the guy who almost dialed 911 when he saw me the first time wandering in the hallway. The guy looked at me, not saying anything, but I could tell his unwelcoming attitude.
All of a sudden, I felt much out of place. I told myself, I do not belong to here, and I know no other friends here, and I want to get out of here as soon as possible. All of a sudden, I questioned why I want to date an undergrad to begin with. It is quite stupid if I cannot handle these trivial but awkward social interaction.

So these are the things bothering me right now. I thought it diffucult to sort them out, but after reading the draft, I know I know exactly what these issues are.