5K

I sign up for a 5K run on March, so I have started training last week. One hour in the gym every weekday, and whatever I can afford on weekends. My physical ability has plateaued, I think. I was skiing the whole day on Monday, and then it took me a whole week to recover. That is quite ridiculous, because my recovery time used to be very short. But somehow, I also feel there is no big deal. All these years of my fear of aging have translated into a very good habit of physical activities. Now I only need to keep the momentum and still beat the people in my same age bracket and same physical size! Way to go.

Darwin Day

Today I was attending a symposium called Darwin Day. It is a collection of talks about evolutionary theory. I spent about 1 and half hours there, and learned: 1. string theory, 2. biography of Charles Darwin and 3) there are great people pursuing knowledge tirelessly. Interestingly, there is another event called "evolution day" on campus, organized by religious group to promote "the biblical truth and coexistence with evolution theory". F^&&*'em. Anyway, tomorrow is Darwin's birthday. My hat off to you, Mr. Darwin.

If I step back, I have to wonder why I want to spend certain portions of my life to attend these science lectures. For example, now I have a great understanding about the universe with the help of string theory, but what good does that do for me? If anything, it makes me a more stubborn and unapologetic defender of atheism, an unpopular position to take in the states right now. Moreover, why not just take an hour off watching some TV? I guess somehow, I must have got a pure joy from learning scientific thinkings. I will black out to the questions of "what's the meaning of life?" or "who am I?" For me, these are just stupid questions, and you will be a stupid person if you ask them. However, I would be intrigued if you could propose different ways strings can knot themselves to create alternative universes.

I am a shy person in general. For example, I can barely make eye contact with girls in bars, not mentioning starting a conversion with any of them. But somehow I am a bold person, with a firm belief that how much struggle I have right now, I will turn out to be okey. Science is not easy, living your own life style is not easy either, especially it does not confirm the mainstream. Really think about it, I am almost 30 years old, still living in a college apartment, single, rarely going out, love science and hate religious discussion, love great stories and hate special effects, love genius minds and hate the stupidity of the mass. As if I have to be so rational that it will squeeze all the fun out of my life. But somehow, I persist, believing "some day, you will be cool (from "Almost Famous)". Or to borrow a great poem, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. (Robert Frost)" It has been lonely journey so far, but hey, just imagine it is like the voyage of the Beagle, five years in the making but eventually everything going to pay off. At least that's my hope.

My friend (Gamma)

My last blog seems to spin out my control and became a self-promoting piece. It is as if I am shouting, "look at me! Ain't I great?" Well, forgive my indulgence.

So it is time for another blog on my friends. I believe that is my 29th entry, so her name will be Gamma. Gamma is my co-worker. She is taking maternity leave next week, so it is a perfect time to talk about her now.

Gamma is a trained engineer. If I have to summarize her in one word, it has to be "kind". Maybe because she will soon become a mother of two, she like to take care of the two nerds in the office: me and another Chinese guy. Why "taking care"? Well, you will have to understand the dynamics in the team first. My manager is not well-organized, and most of the time stressed out. I suspect family issues. She is a little arrogant and like to micromanage and enjoy the power. Two of my co-workers, white, obviously sense this and try to appease the manager by asking for her permissions for everything. Kiss-up, if I may. Gamma does not care to play that game, and I am too proud to play that game, and the other Chinese guy probably does not have a clue.

I figured that out pretty quickly. You know, judging people really is my strong suit. However, Gamma think we Chinese guys do not have a clue. She will try to subtly distill some information to me about the politics in the office (of course, not in a way that I just described, but the essence is the same) and give me suggestions about how to appease the managers and co-workers. For that, I am very thankful. In a worldful of assholes, it is quite rare to find someone thinking of other people all the time.

So why she is so nice? Well, she is very religious. Yesterday, she mentioned that religion changed her life. Upon knowing that I am a stubborn atheist, she said, "we should talk some time." I think religion really gives her a peaceful mind. For her, it is okey to pass up promotions or good assignments, because at the end of day, we will be judged by Him anyway. That's why she could enjoy small tasks like coding excel sheets or managing a small project. For her, being ambitious competitive does not make any sense.

Now she is taking maternity leave, I am picking up most of her tasks. Professionally, it is a good sign. As a one-month long new hire, I am able to quickly pick up some projects to pad my resume. But I also vow to pass along Gamma's spirit. The source will be different: for Gamma, it is the religion. For me, it is the believe that if you work hard, try to make other people look good, and stay positive, you can always get ahead, sooner or later (and no kiss-up). Besides, I also vow to take care of people who are social ill-adapted in my group. Please, I am not condescending here. I say this out of admiration: In the end of the day, they are the people who create the wealth (only to see it hijacked by the BS of the sales-person type), and you learn more by hanging out with them.

So that will be my great social experiment. I will just hold on my idealism for a little bit longer, because hey, I have nothing to lose here (why? that's another story). Just be myself, and be like Gamma.

writer's block

I think I am losing the ability to write a cohesive blog recently. I have attempted to write some entries, but I lost my train of thoughts after several paragraphs, only to wonder what should be my punchline. Here are two that I have saved as drafts. The first one was written on Feb 1 titled "Amedeus":

I finished watching the movie "Amedeus" in two nights. My second time watching it. I relate to this movie in several levels. First of all, I almost played Mozart back in college in my freshman year. Back then, I was brave enough to try everything, auditioning for that main part. Unfortunately, my talent did not live up to the part. Nonetheless, I am proud until today because I was even CONSIDERED for that part.

I like to think of myself as Mozart, not as talented as him, but with the attitude of being a genius. I hate to compromise to the mediocrity, so I never do. But at the same time, I can also identify myself as Salieri, because I get jealous very easily

Sometimes watching movies is very private and spiritual experiences for me. I will become very self-reflective, finding bits and pieces of my life living in the charactors. That's why all my favorite movies are about good stories. In the darkness of the theater, I lose myself in the storyline, completely safe and secure, watching some of my personal trains being amplified in the movie and living by themselves.

Here is one written two days ago titled "working life":

As my working life progressed, my thoughts sorta stagnated. What should I blog about now. In a way, my life experience became richer. For example, I have been to two fancy ski resorts in both west and east coast. I went to watch Sarah Chang's violin performance. Two days ago, I watched Super Bowl on TV for the first time. I will go watch Shark's game two weeks later. Tomorrow I am going to have my first-ever massage.

But what's the point? There is one kind of people I hate the most. These people hit all all the right spots of so-called life experiences. They plan for vacations, travel to Africa, hang famous paintings on the wall, read books on the best-seller list. They talk with a cup of red wine in hand, they dance only with a jazz band, they talk about weather, house, or kids. They are the cliche. They represent the mediocrity. They always feel comfortable, and feel good about themselves. These people are the worst enemies of nerds like me.

Maybe I am on my way to be one of them, but I try not to. Luckily, I believe I

I then lost my words and could not proceed. I intended to say that I am a rebel, but am I sure? Even if I am sure, writing it down feels like self-promoting and self-doubting. But here is the thing. I hate any life experiences distorted by social class. Sounds like Marxism, isn't it? While I am eager to climb social ladder myself, I believe that is a thing that I have to do, rather than something I really enjoy in its core. I dressed in shirt at work, but I know that I am most comfortable with t-shirt. I put on public performance in networking with people professionally, but I know I really enjoy talking to nerds about some cs scripts. I went to ski trips, but the most memorable part is how I almost froze my fingertip off or how I fell so hard on the steep slope that I felt that my big toe was bleeding. I went to bars, and I enjoyed the most of people-watching. I went to massage, then I experienced listening to music, feeling music notes dancing around in repetitive circles but always with unexpected turns here and there. It is like what I experienced after a long-distance run, or (let's say hypothetically) after my only encounter with weed a couple of years ago.

What I want to say here is that: I love life so much that I pull my heart into experiencing it at its most private details. I believe most people are too easy to be co-opted into a mode that life becomes a process of accumulating points: visiting museums, 1 point, traveling to foreign countries, 3 points, a luxurious wedding, 5 points, a big house and 3 kids, 10 points, and so on...... I know I am always different. I also know that it will not necessarily lead to a happy life, but it is a life of my choice, not tainted by the mainstream, and not compromised by external pressure.

Dissertation chapter

So far I pretty much secured all signatures of my dissertation committee, so I am going to graduate this quarter. My adviser especially gave it a kind remarks, making me feel like a genius. So here is my final chapter, 8 pages, double-spaced.

http://www.songhuaweb.com/chapter%206.doc

I finished watching the movie "Amedeus" in two nights. My second time watching it. I relate to this movie in several levels. First of all, I almost played Mozart back in college in my freshman year. Back then, I was brave enough to try everything, auditioning for that main part. Unfortunately, my talent did not live up to the part. Nonetheless, I am proud until today because I was even CONSIDERED for that part.

I like to think of myself as Mozart, not as talented as him, but with the attitude of being a genius. I hate to compromise to the mediocrity, so I never do. But at the same time, I can also identify myself as Salieri, because I get jealous very easily.