I finished watching the movie "Amedeus" in two nights. My second time watching it. I relate to this movie in several levels. First of all, I almost played Mozart back in college in my freshman year. Back then, I was brave enough to try everything, auditioning for that main part. Unfortunately, my talent did not live up to the part. Nonetheless, I am proud until today because I was even CONSIDERED for that part.
I like to think of myself as Mozart, not as talented as him, but with the attitude of being a genius. I hate to compromise to the mediocrity, so I never do. But at the same time, I can also identify myself as Salieri, because I get jealous very easily
Sometimes watching movies is very private and spiritual experiences for me. I will become very self-reflective, finding bits and pieces of my life living in the charactors. That's why all my favorite movies are about good stories. In the darkness of the theater, I lose myself in the storyline, completely safe and secure, watching some of my personal trains being amplified in the movie and living by themselves.
Here is one written two days ago titled "working life":
As my working life progressed, my thoughts sorta stagnated. What should I blog about now. In a way, my life experience became richer. For example, I have been to two fancy ski resorts in both west and east coast. I went to watch Sarah Chang's violin performance. Two days ago, I watched Super Bowl on TV for the first time. I will go watch Shark's game two weeks later. Tomorrow I am going to have my first-ever massage.
But what's the point? There is one kind of people I hate the most. These people hit all all the right spots of so-called life experiences. They plan for vacations, travel to Africa, hang famous paintings on the wall, read books on the best-seller list. They talk with a cup of red wine in hand, they dance only with a jazz band, they talk about weather, house, or kids. They are the cliche. They represent the mediocrity. They always feel comfortable, and feel good about themselves. These people are the worst enemies of nerds like me.
Maybe I am on my way to be one of them, but I try not to. Luckily, I believe I
I then lost my words and could not proceed. I intended to say that I am a rebel, but am I sure? Even if I am sure, writing it down feels like self-promoting and self-doubting. But here is the thing. I hate any life experiences distorted by social class. Sounds like Marxism, isn't it? While I am eager to climb social ladder myself, I believe that is a thing that I have to do, rather than something I really enjoy in its core. I dressed in shirt at work, but I know that I am most comfortable with t-shirt. I put on public performance in networking with people professionally, but I know I really enjoy talking to nerds about some cs scripts. I went to ski trips, but the most memorable part is how I almost froze my fingertip off or how I fell so hard on the steep slope that I felt that my big toe was bleeding. I went to bars, and I enjoyed the most of people-watching. I went to massage, then I experienced listening to music, feeling music notes dancing around in repetitive circles but always with unexpected turns here and there. It is like what I experienced after a long-distance run, or (let's say hypothetically) after my only encounter with weed a couple of years ago.
What I want to say here is that: I love life so much that I pull my heart into experiencing it at its most private details. I believe most people are too easy to be co-opted into a mode that life becomes a process of accumulating points: visiting museums, 1 point, traveling to foreign countries, 3 points, a luxurious wedding, 5 points, a big house and 3 kids, 10 points, and so on...... I know I am always different. I also know that it will not necessarily lead to a happy life, but it is a life of my choice, not tainted by the mainstream, and not compromised by external pressure.
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