in halloween costume contest

But the Fandango lady won! She conducted the last piece of music.

two days

Friday: I ccoked a pecan pie
Saturday: I explored Sasolido, rich town indeed.

New thing of the day

I climbed the wall in the climbing gym today

New things

Today I feel good, although this past weekend is a little downer. Hard to explain though. I think I should break some daily routines to fire up my life a little bit. So that's my new resolution. I will try to a new thing each day, out of habit.
So today I ran with the running club. What's for tomorrow? You guess!

It is saturday!

Hi, I do not really feel the urge to write something on the blog right now, but writing is an interesting thing though. You just get sucked in only after you start.
Anyway, I mailed out a letter to my family, along with a bunch of photos they have never seen before. I feel good. The letter is nothing like trying to educate them into the alignment with my thoughts. Rather, I put only facts in: where I live, how my friends are like, what my daily schedule is, etc. I feel I have grown up. A better understand and a deeper sympathy began to emerge, which counterbalance my anger and frustration towards them. But disregard my feelings, making them happier seems a rational thing to do anyway.
One of my friends has get sick recently. He is struggling with both physical and mental difficulties. After my own episode of problem, I totally sympathize the whole thing he is facing. During our conversation, I can see his self-defense system will kick in here and there, acoiding others to notice his feelings. I know it is easy to say and hard to do, but I really hope he would one day take it easy and be more open about it.
My feet were hurt yesterday during the dance rehearsal, so I have to skip my Saturday noon jogging today.
I think I would do some readings this afternoon and then go for a safeway trip. I will then go to my friend's place to have dinner. What a beautiful day.
Oh, by the way, as I told one friend through email, these days I am in my healthiest mental conditions since I came to the States. Man, I am still a little surprised that I can escape this one unscratched, which seemed so impossible just weeks ago.

WOW

Wow, today is a great day. Let me recount:
I finally began to claim back some morning time starting from this morning. I am able to hop off the bed by 8:40am. way to go though.
Then I went to my therapist at 10, and went to my office at 11am. Skipping the lunch with Victor (He seems extremely busy these day. This makes it difficult to talk to him. I guess I will visit his house this weekend), then I took my dance class. A 4-mile run afterwards, and then wrote down something in my "fighting depression" note, and then went to a talk by chair of 9-11 commitionor. Big name indeed, and a lot of protesters. I got a fake 9-11 dolar bill at the gate. I then went to my first dance rehearsal with Hope. I liked her dance material and personality immediately. I think that will turn out to be a great dance rehearsal. Then I biked back, and saw an event. I suddenly remember it is Amy Tan. I stopped in and caught the last 5 minute of Q&A, and the bought the book and got her signature. I red the first 100 pages in the last two hours.
I totally liked her book, mostly because of the new perspectively I recently gained. I saw more legacy from my family, for good or bad. And she too. She has an amazing way to reorganize what happened to be happy. She hope of a depression-free family resonated with mine, although I have not reached her level of acceptance.
And now I know why I called my grandma as "Nyah-Nyah". It means grandma in Shanghaiese, according to Amy Tan. And my Nyah-Nyah stayed in Shanghai fro about 20 years.
Indeed, all the anti-depressant released from my brain becuase of dance and running make me high in some way. I like that feeling a lot. It makes me feel undefeatedness. However, I was defeated just several weeks ago. How strange the life can swing one side one day, and then a wide other side the next.

I know it would come someday....

Yeah, I know I would bump into her some day on campus randomly, but I did not expect it was coming so soon.
I saw her in the library when I was about to walk out. At the first sight I saw her, I felt a shock wave from the center of my body towards peripherals. It was as if a minor heart attack (though I did not know what heart attack really like), except this one is benign. I tried to caml down, probably successfully, but I just wanted to get away as soon as I could.
Is it that strange? I think I would be acting normal in my imaginary random run-in with her, but it is not easy I swear. What I do not understand fully is the reason: it is because I still have strong feelings towards her despite my forceful denial of it? or is it just my continuing embarrassment of the last episode in which I still consider I made a fool out of myself? I do not have the answer yet, but who cares really. How we feel sometimes just cannot be explained. Now I only hope she would just take it easy.

Even more stupid

Oh, I do not know what the heck I was thinking when I typed in the title line, but I will just keep as it is.
I might go watch a movie tonight to celebrate a little. I also might go the the City this weekend. I am also looking forward to the coming retreat of Terra. It should be funfunfun. Of course, I also need to figure out a daily since suddenly I have extra 4-5 hours every day.
Need to renew my I-20 and passport. Such a hassle!

Almost finished

Yes, I mean my first draft of my dissertation prospectus! I have a strange feeling, since it was so unthinkable just 3 weeks before. Although i am still not so satisfied with some part of the reasoning and writing, I am quite happy with its general arguments. Am I smart or something?:-) Just kid, man.
Anyway, I am going to put the name of my therapist and Victor in my acknowledgement section with a special "thank-you". you know, I can finish this one because I do not want to disappoint you, and of course, myself.
Today the weather is cloudy and even rainy on and off. I like it a lot, because the weather is a lot like me.

It turns out......

that my sleep problem is only temporary. I was over reacting.
that I cannot finish my first draft by today, but I have no worry.
that everyone has their little things to be fixed, and I am not alone.
that I am thankful to my last two weeks, because finally I have something going on in life.

just a random post

Hi, how are you doing? I am doing just fine.
Now I am sitting in front of the dorm computer, while having a bagel with cheese and tea as my breakfest. Thinking that I have not wrote anything on the blog recently, so I better to do now.
I am cooking for my coop every Tuesday this quarter. This means today, I am gonna get my hands dirty in the kitchen.
I was overexcited yesterday because I felt I am gonna first my dissertation proposal every soon. Until yesterday or the day before, I finally found my own voice for narrative, in comparison to compiling all the previous research results. However, overexcitement has a price to pay. I lost some sleep last night, until I realized I should listen to some music. My favorite music is one of Coldplay CDs I got from CHina (I lost the other). Strange. It is rock music, but its function of helping with sleep is amazing. I am very easily to be drawn into the illusion created by all the beats.
Have a lot of things to do. I need to see my theratist tomorrow, so I'd better do some hard work tonight. But first I should go to the gym, since I am still feeling grudgy from last night's not-so-perfect sleep.

family

I called my parents yesterday. It seemed to be the first time I was truly happy to hear their voice over the phone since I came to the States. Maybe it is becaue I've begun to admit that I grew up in a quite dysfunctional family (especially according to American stardards), but this difficult admission reconnected me with them in an unexpected way. I feel that I begin to have a better understanding of them, who are not perfect but loving in their own way. They have their own problems, but they are nonetheless selfless towards me.
I think I am fine with them now. After a difficult time myself, a different perspective seems emerging.

Ok, I guess that's the last post on depression

So many posts on my depression these days. Even I myself have got tired.
But more importantly, I think that the worst days of my trouble are over because all the three major reasons that started my trouble have all been solved. Some in a non-perfect way, sadly, but it doesn't bring me down as much as all those early uncertainties that have troubled me.
Besides, I went to my best friends' place this afternoon. Sorry if I interruptted their afternoon, but I really appreciated their accommidation for a wandering soul. I felt warmth and lots of support. Thanks a lot.
I feel I recovered most of my self-confidence now. One major sign: though I did not stick with the break-down plan for dissertation writing, I am still confident that I am gonna make the deadline. Seems to be back in full control again.
So I guess I will stop mourning about my insignificant depression here any more (unless things get out of control as badly as early last week again, which I doubt they would). I want to thank all the people who show me support. You know, it is such a miracle that I happen to befriend with you. And thank you, blog, for being a silent friend who sucks in all my emotions and felling which sometimes resemble unsorted stuff in trash bins. And thank you, whose friendship I might lose forever due to my stupid actions the other days, for everything that you did for making me a better person.
Good-bye to the most memorable week at Stanford so far. And welcome back, kid.

Another day of ups and downs

I have one post earlier today, but found it to be too negative, so I save it as draft, hoping it would never see the light of the day.
Overall, today is not that bad. I felt relieved because something happened (or to be accurate, something did not happen). I was in such a bad mood, that I desperately need a movie to make me to lose myself for two hours. Unfortunately, the movie has started for 20 minutes when I arrived at the theoter. Oh, well, so just kick it, and I was back to starbucks. (I promise I will watch the movie in the future. After tonight, it somehow becomes a must-see).
I went negative to myself for a while. I wrote a lot in my "fight depression" note. But suddenly I realized everything is fine, and I can no longer find the reason of being so negative at the beginning (I still have not figured out what happens during the several transitional minutes).
Then I got a little excited, tilting my starbucks chair while thinking of how to leave positive note in this blog. Disaster struck. The floor was so slippery that my chair just overthrew me back first. I felt it quite funny, and it made my day. I left Starbucks with a high spirit today.

Actually

Actually yesterday turned out to be all right. I began to let some of my friends know my minor disorder, and I much appreciated their support. I also had an inspiring run of 4 miles before watching presidential debate and chat with my friends.
However, it is still up in the air what would be like the next day. Some day I just got up and do not want to see people or talk to people, often wishfully thinking that it would be all right by the middle of the day. It was most of the time, but now I started to do some morning stretch for 20 minutes just to keep myself feel grounded. This actually worked beautiful, by which i got rid of some compulsive behaviors. For example, I used to have to check my emails after I woke up, now it is optional. I think I am getting better.