Beaten

Life goes alternative days and years. One day you are up there floating and the other you get smashed on the ground like a flat pancake. Today I am the pancake, flatter than you can imagine.

It starts with an exhausted body after yesterday's performance and a realization that I might be done with dancing or anything related with the youth. Also, I really a long-distance relationship (though not really started) might not good for me in the end. I did really bad in spanish class, as I did not really get what's going on there. Then I practiced my job talk and realized that it needed quite some work. I went to an oral communication tutor, and I thought that I did badly there. Then I got a call from the consulting company: I was kicked off in the second round. I know I did not do too well in the interview, but hard facts are always hard to swallow. Now swallow my own pride and realize that I am just one of the little guys on the street with only a crappy life story to tell.

This may sound crazy. But when I am in a down day, I can't help suspecting whether spending the past six years here is actually a mistake and a big waste of time. I really hope not, but this thought just sneaks in when my mind is in the most vulnerable stage. When it occurs, I feel helpless. I know the exact reasons why my life needs a change and almost see when it is going to happen, but I feel I am running out of the tricks of "how".

I need to put myself together before tomorrow though, because I have another practice job talk coming up. Well, doing well there would be crucial, because I constantly need those small successes to remind my worth to myself anyway. I hope I wouldn't be a piece of shit tomorrow.