My friend (XXYY)

(Written on Feb 16, and revised on Feb 20)

I know I will write about her some day. I wanted to when I was in China last month, but after I came back to the states, I gave up the motivation. It is just hard to write about her when physically far away. A sense of detachment never works to my favor. However, now I am back in China again. Currently typing in a Youth Hostel in Hangzhou, waiting for Zexum to show up. I think I should pick up this thread yet again, although not sure how good a job I can do for now.

XXYY is a skinny skinny girl. Skinny is usually a word for physicality, but for her, it is also of her personality. She was lovely when we were in high school together. She stood out in an unconventional way. In school, usually good students are also popular. She is not a good student, but she manages to be popular. She is extremely intelligent and well-versed. Has a quick wit, only for social interaction, not for academic studies. Somehow, academic studies are just not good enough for her. I used to be one of the kids who want her attention to. Because for me, her approval indicates that I am not a nerd after all, and proving that was very important to me.

But her smartness is probably wasted. Not because that she does not study hard, but because her smartness is used mostly to fend off others’ abuse and bullying. (I realize this point after I was much old). People like to make fun of her, just because she is so smart and always protects herself well. Nobody really understood her back that time. I was also one of them who like to make fun of her, as if she is the perfect girl to practice flirting with. Now I realize that we actually made some injuries to her that probably she herself never realized how bad those wounds are.

Anyway, those wounds do not manifest themselves in any obvious ways. Maybe I am just so sensitive that I create some dramas out of nothing. But here is my theory, right or wrong. XXYY is insecure underneath her impenetrable shell. That’s why I found that her skinniness is also part of her personality: a person suffers quite much that all the suffering manifest itself on the exterior, and sadly, nobody understands that suffering.

I do not know why I should be that sentimental. After all, that kind of story happens every day in China: a young soul got smothered by good-willed or bad-willed friends. However, I felt bad about it because I, and my friends, used to take advantage of her, mostly out of senseless joy. I quite regretted that now, and I am sorry. And I know I should let nobody know about this regret, as it would only show how condescending I am now.

All my feelings aside, here are some facts (By the way, I am quite proud that I am one of the few who really understand her, know where she get to today and concerned about where she is heading. But I regret that this understanding comes too late). I attended her wedding last month. I arrived late, and she was busy tending different guests. She looked exhausted, as she should. After guests began to leaving, a bunch of core friends still stayed. Friends made fun and told jokes, most of them not even funny and most of them were quite gross. She dealt with them well and appropriately, just as she did back in high school. A daring girl, no boys could get an up-hand over her. The scene reminded me how she was treated by friends back in high school. I used to think she enjoyed it, but obviously she was not.

After a fun-less half hour, I was about to leave. She accompanied me to the elevator, and we hugged. She suddenly cried, as if she finally got an outlet from those bullying. My hands held her bony back, feeling bad. Without masks, she was just a little girl crying in other people’s arms. And I guess that she really needs this kind of break, finding a safe place to cry. I am very happy that I was that safe place that night, as if it could redeem me from my insensitive treatment of a great friend back in high school. A great friend? I want to say so, or at least want to think that way.

In any account, this blog is strange. I do not really have pity or feel condescending towards XXYY. But if you read this blog, I bet you will feel that way. And I am sorry if you do, because that’s not what I want to convey. Sometimes I feel sad about the reality, as some stupid people have all the attention and some great people are left forgotten. XXYY is a great person, but not a lot of people appreciate that. She is still proud of herself and never lose self-confidence, but one day, maybe she herself will forget her own greatness.

You may ask, how great she is? I do not know for other people, but for me, she probably changed my life trajectory for ever. She was free, unconventional and love literature. That was part of the package that convinced me to switch from science to liberal arts, joining the literature club, went to people’s university of China for sociology, and finally landed in another country and still loved the arts so much. Among all my 26 friends in my blog, XXYY was the one that I interacted with the least. However, Every time when I came to China, I wanted to see how she was doing. Because deep down, I seemed to understand, knowing her is also about knowing myself. And so far, getting to know her is quite a fun and amazing journey.