That's all right. And Niangniang.

I feel like shit today. Something is messed up, and I guess I deserved that, except that I am not sorry about what I did. I finally planted the lavender on a big pot this noon. I want to see how amazing when the beautiful blue flowers blossom. I totally forgot the house job too, the first time in my two years of residence in the co-op. Fortunately, my mind did not totally lost so I remembered the House Meeting. Get a safeway runner job this quarter. Anyway, I have a good and busy week to look forward to, and I guess everything will be all right.
Last night I thought of my grandma, who is living currently in senior center. I am going to blog her right now. I call her Niangniang in Chinese, so she will be called so here. She is one of the most influential figures in my life.
I grew up with her since I was a baby. My parents were working class professionals, and they were not rich. So they did not have much time to spend with me. So I grew up with Niangniang. That's why I never had attachment to my parents, who I only felt a biological linkage conceptually.
With Niangniang, I felt safe. She is kind, generous to protective to me. When I was a kid, I was very easy to be intimidated. I still remember one day I broke the key to the classroom and totally freaked out. Niangniang just calmed me down and took charge of replacing the key for me. Until today, I am still not sure whether her protection really served me good or just spoiled me, but I would forever appreciate and never complain about her full-hearted love.
But I used to be anger about her protection, especially in my teenage years. She kept track on my friends and even had their phones number in case she wanted to know whereabout of me or what happened in school. She tried to especially monitor my female friends so I would not slip into romantic relationship in young age, which she thought would ruin me. One day I was so angry that I almost hit her (not really, but my palm did slightly slap on her face). I felt really bad afterward, but I never admitted to her because of my stupid teenage pride.
Niangniang is very proud of me, my strength or my flaws alike. She said I used to cry a lot in order to get what I wanted. Oh, my stubbornness. She said once I was eating beans. One bean was dropped into a pile of charcoal. And I insistently asked her to find it and wash it so that I can eat it. So she secretly took one bean from my bowl and pretended that's the one from the charcoal to stop from crying. I had very vague memory of that, so I guess I was about 4-5 years old that time. She is also proud of me now, even though I am thousands miles apart. She will appreciate every small things I do for her, even though they are no sweat on my part.
When the time flashed back, I would saw her aging, from an able body going shopping in farmer's market every morning to a thin body that even 30 meters of walking seems like a stretch for her. I am scared evry time I think of her incoming death. As an athiest, I get no comfort from an illusionory faith, which I wish I could have, so that I will be at peace with some inevitable life cycles.
I think of Niangniang today. I hope nothing is wrong. The last two times when I dreamed of her getting sick, she was actually sick when I later called her. There are some unexplanable connections between us. I wish today's thinking of you means nothing bad. Although you probably forgot of the incident when I almost hit, it was always here in my mind. I wouldn't mentioned that to you, so that you can maintain a perfect image of me and feel good of boasting my achievement among your senior center neighbors. But I want to say sorry here. And that's my entry for "N". Niangniang, you will the only one with a real meaningful name in my 26 blogs.