Amsterdam and London, Take two

I was in Amsterdam and London again the past two weeks. Last week I took the initiative to come to UK to work with clients. It turn out to be a great trip. Not only I got more work done, but I worked less hours. During the weekend, I got a chance to walk around London and attended two shows: Mary Poppins and Fiddler on the Roof. Mary Poppins show was like a magic dream, great music and great acting. I was in a shock when Mary Poppins took out a shit load of stuff from her carpet bag. And what about flying over the stage? "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" was a fun song, and "Feed the birds" was touching, during which I wiped off some tears.

Last Saturday I was jogging in Hyde Park. The first time I heard of Hyde Park it was during the history class during high school. Carl Marx used to be there debating, as I was told. Obviously, the tradition still lives, as every Sunday noon people could freely debate. I did not get a chance to be there on Sunday, but I was told that it was nowadays dominated by middle-easterners and Africans. Probably white people are too content not to really care about debating. Okey, back to Saturday, and Hype Park was full of people. Obviously, there was a carnival sort of thing going on. Adults and kids all together, with tokens of 2 pounds, took part in a massive demonstration of a good time. Jumping castle, haunted house, fake snow gliding, skating ring etc. You know people in UK are quite lazy, but they know how to have fun. Another example is that the same time, while I was near a subway station, all of a sudden about 200 people, all in Santa Claus dress, emerged from the subway, some with beer bottle in hands, and started singing Christmas songs at the fountain next to the street.

Then I went to Amsterdam. It was a tough week, and we slept 4 hours a day on average for four days. On the fifth day, I began to develop a headache, and I fell asleep right away on the plane without noticing the tremble in taking off. I slept the whole way back to Boston, only waking up in time for some meal and half a cartoon movie in the very end. My headache went away afterwards.

Two more weeks on the current project, and then I am heading to California and China. There does not seem to have too much work left, so I do not think I will be super busy. In the meanwhile, I am counting my hotel points. Just in case my friends cannot host me in Beijing or Shanghai, I will just use these points on a hotel.

Amsterdam!

So I am in Amsterdam this week. I just love this city. Somehow Amsterdam reminds me of my hometown Ningbo. It has the same small-town feeling. Everybody minds their own business, and nobody is pretentious. There are many bikes on the street. The style of the bikes looks like the one you will normally see in China. Steady structure, a back seat to carry bag or a person, a ring to warn pedestrians, no speed change. A lot of beautiful people in the city, but they are so nice and humble that I fit right in. Sometimes I walk on the Amsterdam street, and small traces of childhood memory will float by, reminding me of an innocent age with no worries of work, no stresses of travel, and no pressures of being alone.

My passport was held by US embassy for one extra day, and it totally destroyed my travel plan. However, I am very happy about it. I was supposed to leave last night, but now I had the chance to visit my former roommate, Marty. Marty was in my co-op dorm for a quarter only as a visiting student. A total dude. He always get 8 hours of sleep a night. His life and his room is super organized. He uses him time at school just to relax, and that is why it takes him 6 years to finish a master. And he told me that in his Dutch program, he is the first one to graduate. Slackers! He is a very typical dutch. Pale, tale, blonde, and can pass as a movie star. I used to think he is lazy, but I changed my mind after I experienced Amsterdam. That is just the way they are.

I met Marty in his bank. He showed me about the trading floor and his office. Very impressive stuff there. He then carried me with his bike all across the town with rather flat tires. We first went to a bar to get some beer and snacks. We got this Belgium beer (La Schoffe?). The legend is that it used to be made by midgets. We then went to a Turkish restaurant. According to my Turkish taxi driver, it is not good at all. For Marty and me, it is good enough. At 9pm, we returned to his apartment, which reminds me of his room in my co-op, very clean and stylishly decorated. His girlfriend finished Italian lesson, and we all went out for more drinks. I like his girlfriend a lot. She is tall, pretty but down-to-earth. Her English is not good, but she has this natural charm and bravery to speak a foreign language. We spent most of the time in the bar talking about gambling and beer commercials.

One more week

This weekend sucks. I thought I had things planned out, but it all fell apart in the end, so I spent two days on my own. Watching some DVDs, catching up with some work, reading some magazines, etc. I am hoping next weekend will be better.

The work is still the good old work. I am definitely getting more comfortable with the types of work we do: a lot of estimates and thinking on the feet. Good-bye, my 95% confidence interval, I do not expect to meet you any time soon again. On the other hand, as the problem-solving on the project gets more and more to the end, I find my way of thinking fits better and better. That's something to feel good about.

Talking about confidence interval, I got an R&R for my paper from Social Forces. Now I have two single-authored R&R in pockets, and I just do not bother to do it any more. Just want to put it out here, in case my readers want to jump on my bandwagon and do the rest of shitty work and co-author these two papers. One about educational stratification 1949-1978, and the other about elite competition 1949-1996.

As you may already know, I am quite narcissistic. I Google myself once a while, So I typed in "Songhua Hu" today and found that I am beating out the lake of "Songhua Hu" as well as a "Dr. Songhua Hu," Chair of Animal Sciences from Zhejiang University. Pretty cool to stay ahead of animal researchers. Of course, the one that followed is my "pimp my date" site. Here is the whole thing why I Googled myself. I got an email today from a friend, asking whether the website was a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a joke. It is also my problem, because I can never say it is NOT a joke. I am not sure how I am feeling about being single at the age of 30. I can see an irony here. I believe I am okay with it, but at the same time I suspect that it is a lie that I have rationally convinced myself to be okay with. For me being myself, I can never sort out this simple puzzle. I hope I am not confuse you here. Long story short, I am convinced that sometimes people Google my name (or that Dr. animal research). It makes me feel I am still relevant in some way.

There are two friends visiting me this week, one from William's College and one all the way from California. It is good to be with friends, and hey, thanks for visiting.

Work and life

Work is hard. In my last job, the work was so easy that I got restless. Now it is the opposite. For two weeks in the end of September, my time of sleep was an average of 5 hours a day, including one weekend. I was pretty burned out in the end. I thought that those scary stories of consulting was urban legend. How naive was I! On the bright side, however, I think I have adapted quite well. As a person born to work rather than live a full life, I did not feel I lost too much.

But it is educational. Now I see my leisure time in different light. I am no longer satisfied wasting my weekends watching TV or surfing internet. I feel my time deserves better things. So I reach out, trying not to be left alone (being alone is my natural tendency). So yesterday I was volunteering in Rosie's place, a shelter for homeless women. To be honest, it is totally out of selfish reason. Just try to be with people, and they think I was a giving guy. How nice. I then went to lunch with some of my co-workers and talked about some office politics. I went back home and watched some football. Then I went out with my neighbor and his friend for dinner. That was my perfect Saturday.

Today is a little less impressive. I was working in Starbucks in the morning. In the afternoon, I went out for a run. I broke my running record. I was planning for 8 miles initially. Then I felt good, so I kept going. Somehow I got lost, so I ran even more to get back. The final mileage is 11.3 miles. In the end, my heart and lungs were just fine, but my leg muscles gave up in the end. I am recovering now. The thing is, when the job is stressful, the pain from running becomes relatively dull. If I can get out for a run to wipe out all the stress, the pain becomes a small price to pay. Quite a good deal in the end. Not only I got some exercise, but I also got the glory of being a record-breaker.

It is getting cold here. Today the heat was turned on, so I know the winter is coming soon. This coming weekend I plan to have meal with my good friend and her boyfriend. Also, I might go drive out with my friends to see the leaves turning colors. As I grow up, I finally begin to understand the small joy, like enjoying the nature. On the flip side, however, what happens to life's big dreams?

Hub on wheels and oxford university

I have not posted photos for a while. Here are some.
I did a bike ride as part of Hub on Wheels. I am in the starting line.



I went to Oxford last week and took some pictures in my morning run and in the training station.

My friend: Callow

I started this entry on my laptop on Sept 3, but my crazy work schedule caught up and I did not have much since. We just finished a workshop and now it is time to take a breath. Let me finish this one first and then I will talk about my work and my travel.

Yesterday (Sept 2), I sent away my roommate (probably my last roommate in my whole life). We had a rental car (fricking big Ford Taurus), and we drove all the way to William’s college from Boston. Let me call him Callow.

Callow was born in China. His parents are both academics. His father is in US, and his mother stays in China. Talking about potential marital problems. Anyway, I am not gossipy enough to probe that. Who cares about his parents.

I met his dad once, when he flew from Florida to Boston to see his son. That day I was in kitchen cooking with only underwear. A little embarrassed to see a “Jia Zhang” like that. I put on my clothes and had a chat. The next morning, we had breakfast together. When his father was around, Callow did not talk too much. And his father still treats him like a little kid.

If I have to use one word to describe Callow, he is socially awkward (okey, two words). He does not have the mental readiness to chit-chat. A big nerd indeed. I think I have three majors in college, plus doing all the extracurricular activities. He worked in a hedge fund this summer in Boston, probably in an effort to confirm to the Asian stereotype: always shooting for the most respected and high-paid job. Obviously, that job does not work out too well for him. He did not tell too much about the job, but since he was paid by hours, he had a tendency to flake for one day or two each week. That's how I tell he does not like the work too much.

He is obsessed with Salsa. Twice a week, he would go to Salsa clubs. I am not sure why he liked it so much, but in a way, I can totally relate, as I probably had the same reason to get involved with drama and dance. Lack of artistic genes, we tried to stake it out and prove that we can indeed do it. For me, it was great memory, but never life-changing as I subconsciously expected. I am not so sure about Callow's expectation, but hey, good luck with it. He said he would like to teach Salsa classes in William's College, maybe even find a girlfriend there.

Callow was very good at computer programming. He coded a python script that connect several data sources so that he can listen to all GRE vocabulary on subway. He knows quite a bit about string theory. He will take GRE this year, and is ready for graduate school with his good grades and three majors. A total overachiever.

On Sept 2, we had this long road trip together. It was quite fun. We stopped by a Wal-mart to get some stuff. For me, a bunch of kitchen stuff. For him, it was to pick up a fan. I am not kidding, but it took him 45 minutes to pick a fan. Probably all the mathematical equations went through his mind in an effort to analyze the cost and benefit of each fan model (econ and math are two of his triple majors). After we checked out, he realized there was even a cheaper model displayed in the checkout aisle. He returned the one he picked and got the other way. That way he saved one more dollar. I am not writing this episode condescendingly. I am writing it because it is just like me, who will spend tons of time to make financially sound decision, even in retrospective to be not worth it.

A new blog is born

Okey, my best friend just put up his blog. I am betting 25 dollars that he will not post more than 50 entries before the end of this year. So hey, if you want to win the money, keep it up! (By the way, no lazy-ass entries. Have to be at least three lines each.)

I was in NYC again, this time for a project. I was spending 300 dollars a night in hotel and 40 dollars a dinner each day. Hey, not my money, who cares. Last night I worked until 1pm, and then slept 5 hours to get up for a conference. Strangely, I seem to enjoy it. Not necessarily for the hard work, but for the good ratio of effort and reward, reward not in a monetary sense, but in terms of feeling like a big shot.

I need to travel to Netherlands for this project in the coming weeks. My visa application was rejected because "your current photo does not match the photo on the passport. You have to get a new passport. Blah, blah." F^&, I guess my photo does not match his ass either. I want to see how his ass is going to get a new passport. Anyway, I went to Chinese consulate for a new passport, with a feeling that I do look much older than 7 years ago.

Nothing more to say. Just want to re-emphasize: Working for consulting or investment banking does make you feel like a big shot pretty fast. I am feeling that it is corrupting my perfect soul now. It probably take a couple more months before I will be arrogant enough to ask all my friends to make appointments with my beautiful secretary in order to have conference calls with me. Okey, you know I am kidding, right?

Delinquency. My bad. My friend Bertil.

So let me pick it up here. I've been busy, but that is no excusing not writing this blog. Besides, I have noticed that you, my readers, are still reading, so I guess I need to keep writing.

Life has been boring for me so far. Which is probably a good thing. I go to work, I dress up, I take subway, I travel to another city, I work with my teammates, I come back home, I watch some tv, I go to bed. It almost feel that life like a ticking clock, where every minute moves in exactly the same distance, no surprises.

I am a ISTJ (any Myer-Biggs fans out there). This means that I will struggle a little bit in my new job. Indeed, my first week was not easy, not for the work I was doing, but mostly for four days of exposure to the team. As an introvert, I felt exhausted after four days of team work. Of course, I know I am a long-distance runner, so it probably only takes a bit time for me to adopt.

I was in New York a couple of weeks ago. I stayed with my friend Bertil in a rectory school. Bertil is a friend I get to know from my co-op life, but this time I really got a chance to know him. I am going to take this chance to profile him.

Bertil is a cool kid. Back in college, he directed a bunch of absurd plays that not too many people appreciate. But he insisted that he knew the best of arts. He was one of the best foosball players in the dorm, and took great proud of constantly beating me. Once he started a "streak" board, in an attempt to humiliate my sub-par plays. Sometimes when I walked in the hallway, he would jump out from his room suddenly and knock me into the wall. Then I would wrestle him. He is about the same height as I am, so I could take him. He has an almost unnatural ability to un-selectively appreciate everybody, so we became friends.

After graduation, he took a job in a rectory school, almost teaching everything. At that time, I thought he was just a washed-up elite school graduate who sought meanings of life in doing good deeds. However, this visit changed my mind.

The night I arrived, we head out to a bar. On the subway train, we went through the girls in our co-op, playing a pseudo-hot-or-not game. It turns out that Bertil and I had very different tastes.... Stop digressing! Anyway, we got there, and he called up his girlfriend, a girl he slept with a couple of times but now was avoiding. We met at a loud bar. After a while, we took the subway back. That girl was one of the most self-centric person, but she was totally into Bertil. On the train, she began to subtly touch Bertil, but Bertil did not seem to react. Of course, they slept together that night, but then Bertil tried to avoid her calls the very next day. And that makes sense to me.

So we did not get a chance to chat the first night, but then we had quite long conversation the next two nights. I was surprised to see how mature Bertil is (I thought he was like a playboy, with a natural likability that even he himself did not fully realize). He talked about why he did not like that girl. He talked about the politics in the rectory school. He actually had a very sophisticated way of judging people, just like the way I am. In the middle of the night, we got into the church in front of school, and he began to play electric-simulating organ, with a long dedicated to an old woman, whom he claimed he was in love.

Besides these, we watched a skateboarding contest, watched a absurd play (which he liked a lot), and visited SoHo and time square. I got a chance to met with his cousin, who was totally as cool as Bertil. We got drunk that night, so we played "squeezing the other person into the wall" on the street, just like we did back in the co-op dorm. With fun time like that, I never managed to get up early to run in central park as I had planned. But what the heck, I had a good time.

So here is the thing. While I can be cool and fun once a while (possibly after a drink), Bertil is always cool and fun. Some times during my stay with Bertil, I got a feeling that I did not deserve a friend like Bertil. In heart, I want to be like Bertil. As an ISTJ, I want to be like Bertil, an ENTJ.

My Crushes (IV)

I think this is my last post of My Crush series. Seriously, it does not even count, because I just viewed her as a dream girl, but not really in a sexual way. Let me call her Cercil.

She was in the modern dance group I was in a couple of years ago. To be honest, the people in the group was one major reason why I joined the group. That year, she was one of the group leaders. In my mind, she was the one who really put the group together. She could radiate the energy that cheers everyone up. No doubt about it, she is one of the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. But you know what, personality and look usually work together in my judgment about beauty, so calling her beautiful may just be doing some injustice here.

The first time I met Cercil was three years ago, when we were redoing a big dance piece together. Because some dancers have graduated, she was one of the new girls who joined in. She is not as a good dancer as the one she replaced, but the piece is better off with her. She was very serious in learning the piece, but I like her the most in lighter moments. For example, she and another girl were the first to appear on the stage. For a while, they were always one or two steps behind the music. Cercil would take it easy, sometimes making a face, sometimes just starting to laugh. I think everyone likes her, including me of course.

Once we were preparing for another people right before performance. We were all stretching in the backstage. I took out my camera. She saw it, and began to goof around. For a moment, she got down to the floor, crawling like a cat, a scene you can only see from strip club or something. Seconds later, she realized that she got carried away and was too silly in front of me. She brushed a little then. For me, that image was still in my mind. I am sure that was quite sexy, but every time I think about it, I was laughing while shaking my head, "such a free spirit".

To be sure, I haven't got too much chance talking to Cercil. However, when I talked to her, I realized how intelligent she is. While seemingly spontaneous as the dance group leader, she indicated that she actually thought through it quite carefully. She paid attention to every individual and tried to make everyone feel included. I am sure that my conversation with her was her way to make me part of the group. I really appreciated that. Without her, I do not think I would stayed in that group for three quarters.

She graduated one year ago and now back in Texas. I heard she had a surgery on her eyes, because something was detached or something like that. I thought that it was too stupid to call her for that. Luckily, once I was walking with a mutual friend, and Cercil called her. She handed me the phone. On the other side of the phone was again the familiar and cheerful voice. We promised to keep touch. Of course, we haven't since.

Once I Googled her name and found her portfolio online (she majored in architecture, urban design or engineer). It is full of sketches and paintings. Very beautiful. I never knew that she was such a good painter! Maybe in all our conversations I was always talking about me me me.

Anyway, as you can see, this one really does not count. I just feel that she is so perfect that it almost belittles me. I admire her more than I like her. In my widest dream, I should have a wife like Cercil. But in reality, I know I have been lucky enough to have danced with her.

Austria

 

That is the view from my hotel room. Isn't that amazing?

The first week is over. Overall, I think I am doing quite well. There are some moments when I feel like an idiot. For example, being very stiff when other people in the party mood, not able to get an interesting conversation going, too serious when other people are joking, or too light-hearted when other people are serious, etc. However, it is really due to my lack of exposure to this kind of situation in graduate school. One week later, I have found myself much better, as if I am going to give myself a higher grade each day.

Yesterday I was in Salzberg. I finally visited Mozart's birthplace. What a crap! I really think Mozart deserve a better museum than they had in Salzberg. Mozart's name has become a big selling point in Salzberg. Of course, I got a orange Mozart T-shirt too, just try to be cheesy. Ironically, some street musicians were play Vivaldi's Four Season, my favorite classical music piece.

Today I was hiking with two friends in the training program. It took us 4 hours to get all the way to the top. It was very exhausting, but I think I am doing okey. Afetr I came back, I swam a little and then enjoyed some sauna. Not a bad day, isn't it?

Europe (II)

I have been in this small town of Austria for three days. To be sure, small European town looks exactly like the one we see on the post card. Beautiful but fake. Right outside my balcony I can see mountains. Because of the high altitude, sometimes I see clouds flying by like the mountain is smoking cigarette.

Busy. I barely have time to do the readings and write the blogs. Right now I am delaying my dinner to write this entry. If I go to dinner right now, I will stick around until later tonight. Too many interesting people to have conversation with. However, I have set up a very good schedule for the past three days. Getting up at 6pm, go to the gym for half an hour and then swim for 20 minutes. Come back and have breakfast until 8am, that's when classes start. I will try to keep that up, even on weekends.

I think I really have made a good choice in taking this new job. I like most of the people around me. It seems that I would be expected to contribute more in my work than in my previous work. To be honest, I am a lazy person, but if the expectation is high, I tend to perform better. After three days here, I have a good sense of the people around me, and I feel that I can be at least above average in the new environment.

Maybe it is just me, but it only took me one or two days to sort through all the people in this training programs. Some are good talkers, some are deep thinkers, some are solid, some are showy, some are strong-willed, some go with flows. It is amazing how my judgmental abilities work through the crowd. For me, I am never a person who leaves a strong first impression, but I am damn sure that everything is going uphills ever since.

This weekend I might go to Salzberg. It is important to pay Mozart some respect to see his birth place. It was quite incredible to think that such a genies has lived on the land that we normal people can share. I hope that is not too much insult to Mozart.

Europe

I am in Europe now. The driver who picked me up does not speak any English, so the two hours and a half grand transportation was very boring. Plus the jet lag, I almost fell asleep. After arriving the place, I was quite impressed. It turned out that my company owned this place. It feels like a gated private resort.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. The company wants to impress the employees for two reasons. First, the employees will feel being in good hand. Second, the experiences will make employees to be comfortable if future clients offer such luxurious setting. For me, it is perfect. I just had a nice swimming and sauna. Tomorrow, I might take a run about this nice European town. On my back, it is a mountain, where we might be hiking as a weekend activity.

To be continued...

How I made up all the code names for friends?

For my new readers only:

(I had a series of "friends" blogs in the past. I basically went from A to Z, and made up names on the fly. For example, Amsol, Brey, Chestina, ....Zexum. Then I have this spreadsheet which keeps track of who is who. Now every time I refer to my friends, the names come handy.)

Last day in CA

I have arrived in Boston safe and sound. And tired.

Yesterday was my last day in CA. I ran some last-minute errands using my old car, and also met some friends too. My last destination is Amsol's home. Surprisingly, Elpen is there too (For my new readers: I use code names for my friends, but you probably can guess who they are).

These days Amsol is also preparing to move. His home was very untidy yesterday, with packing boxes everywhere. The stuff will probably fit in a whole U-Haul. Elpen just came back from home, and will stay in the bay area for a little bit. We had BBQ. We talked about bottled water for the most of time (weird, isn't it?)

Finally it is my time to go. I walked out of the door, and Amsol's wife gave me a hug, and said, "You can always visit us in Christmas." I was about to cry. I got on the front seat, and Amsol's son was standing on the door step. I extended my hand, "high five." He gave me a loud one, and said to his mom, "Mom, I am now strong." He had no idea that he would be able to see me for a while. On the car, Amsol asked me how I felt, I was saying something similar to what I have already described in the previous blog entries, but I tried my best to control my voice. I arrived. Amsol got off his car, giving me a big hug (I think that is the first hug between us), and said, "Isn't it weird that we wouldn't see each other for a while?" Yes, Amsol, it is weird, especially considering that we saw each other all the time, wasting countless minutes walking to the bookstores and back, debating some nonsense, or just gossiping about the department people. For that matter, Chestina likes to joke that we are as close as a married couple. I had three suitcases. Elpen jumped out of the car, and helped me check in my luggage, while Amsol circled his car around the airport.

While waiting for my flight, I called my home and talked to my parents. Then I felt that I had a hard time to concentrating on my reading of a magazine. The reality of leaving began to sink in, and I realize that I do not want the time to pass. What if everything is a dream? Will I be happy or sad when I wake up?

Leaving

I am finally leaving for Boston tomorrow. These days it feels weird. Sometimes I am in a high, which makes feel that I can do everything just right. However, sometimes I feel in a low, which pretty much mimic my feeling when I just first started the blogging three years ago, when I moved out my beloved co-op house.

Time passes, and things move on. I still remember a famous long poem called "Fu Shi De". In that one, the main character signed a contract with the devil. According to the contract, the character will have the super power to do everything. But if he says, "It is so beautiful. Time, please stop." Then the devil will take his heart away. I think now I would rather like to have time to stop, then I can just see the familiar people, eat the familiar food, no fear about the future (since there is no future if the time stops). However, I have to move on, with great expectations from myself and from my friends and family.

Really think about it, this move is as significant as the move I made when I first came to the united states. It was almost surreal to me -- a dream turned to a reality only when my feet finally touched the soil of the states. Now it is the time again to feel nostalgia, feel that the things I have now are, and will always be, better than anything I am going to encounter in the future.

I have also decided to let my friends to know this blog. This way, if they are interested in what's happening to me, they can always just check this one out. Since I am leaving, I will not feel embarrassed to let them know my deepest fear, my unexpected vulnerability and my rather complicated personality. The only thing I request is: please do not link to my blog, because I would hate to see my blog site got pushed up in Google search. Thanks.

Well, it is time to say good bye. I rarely quote other peoples, but I cannot resist to put Madonna's "Take a Bow" here, since it is rather fitting (By the way, Madonna is one of the pop stars I highly respect. She is a great person):

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]

Look, ma, fish!

My Crushes (III)

Of course I have not forgot that. Here is the third installment.

Right after I broke up with my girlfriend back in college, it felt quite weird. One minute you had someone special to share your fear and vulnerability, and a minute later you had to face the harsh world on your own. Unconsciously seeking the conform and care from another human being, I began my third crush.

She was in the acting group with me. Let me call her Benty here. Benty struck me as very professional from th every beginning. She was from Beijing, always a student cadre. She was short, but was able to lead people effortlessly. She had a great personality, always happy. She acted always in a socially appropriate way. In a word, she had all the qualities that I admired and secretly hoped that I had them all.

There is one thing I have never understood. After I broke up with my girlfriend, I became obsessed with Benty. Things began to escalate, all in my mind of course, all the way to the point that I had to confess my feeling to her. Obviously, she sensed my obsession at some point. I could not remember exactly, but I must have made some annoying phone calls to her. One night I called her again, asking whether she would like to talk (liao liao). She told me that she was out, so she could not talk to me. I said okey. A minute later I saw her right in my dorm building, preparing with her debate team. (Actually, I did not see her exactly, but I saw her back with the shiny hair clipper. Until today, if you line up 1000 hair clippers in front of me, I can still recognize THAT hair clipper in one second.) I got quite furious. I called her room, and asked her roommate to tell her to give me a call no matter how later she came back.

She finally called later that night and asked what's up. I was like, "not much, would you like to talk?" "I am tired," she said. I insisted, so she finally agreed to come down. We walked around the dorm building a couple of time. I did not confess, of course, since I was too coward in front of a super-capable girl. I think I just talked random stuff, to kill the time. Finally, she said she needed to go sleep. I said okey. She extended her hand to me, "We are still friends, right?" I shook her hand, "of course.... Oh, wait, one more thing." I searched in my pocket and took out a pile of used phone cards. I had been collecting those for a while, because once she told me that she was collecting those. It was a big pile for me, as I begged my friends to give me their used phone cards for three months. She took them and left. I went back to my dorm. I climbed all the way to the roof and cried very hard, so hard that I had some trouble breathing, so hard that it reminded me my childhood, when I was named "crying king" by my dear Niangniang and surrounding neighbors.

Then that is it. I emerged from it quickly, seemingly unscratched but probably hurt deeply. In retrospect, I began to show less emotion and exert more self-control, right from that point on. The only time that I allowed my feeling towards her to take over is when we finished a drama project and all went out drinking. I got very drunk, and so did she. On our way back, I shouted, "I want to walk with XXXX (XXXX is the name of Benty's character in the drama)." So Benty and I got side by side, our arms around each other's should or waist, walking back to the dorm, very drunken. I kid you not, that night I saw a bike on a tree, probably someone's practical joke. The whole group walked from this side of the campus to the other side, and nobody wanted to go back to sleep. So we walked out of the campus and marched on the street. It was that time that alcohol overwhelmed me, and the following was the recount by my friends (I was blacked out): we walked further. We sang loudly. We got on each other's back and one carried each other. I do not know whether I got a chance to carry Benty. I was to shy to ask my friends about that. But chances are that I did. According to my friends, I did not do anything silly.

Benty and I were in the same acting group for the remainder of our college years. I acted as if this episode never had happened. We treated each other with respect and care. We were indeed good friends. Pure friendship, I would say. We were in the senior project together. I played one of the main male character, and Benty played the mom of the other main male character. I had the videotape of the play (Unfortunately, I accidentally threw that away two months ago when I moved apartment. Regret).

Several years after I came to the states, I heard that she got married to a Chinese student in the US. They met online. I actually looked at his webpage and saw their wedding photos. Talk about stalking. Later the rumor is that she started an undergraduate program in that university. Soon the webpage was pulled off, and I lost her info ever since.

To my surprise, writing this entry is quite a pleasant experience for me (I thought it would be otherwise, which is why I have been delaying this writing). I think I learned quite a bit about myself, the self that I have long forgotten. I actually rediscovered that I was such an obsessive and unreasonable person back then. Also, selfish. Now I am heading to yet the very opposite: Extremely reasonable, rational, not care to much about everything. I do not know which one is actually a better version of me.

Aymin (Restart my friend series)

I shipped ten boxes to Boston today. Ten boxes only. It was quite surprised to see how few items I have. Yesterday was my last day in the previous job. It felt a little nostalgia. I think I did a good job in wrapping things up and transfer my duties to my teammates.

As I got out of school and somehow managed to hop from job to job, I have realized that I need to restart my friend series. So here is a new one, starting all the way from A. Of course, all fake names.

Aymin is my colleague in my last job. He joined the team about 1 and a half month ago. Somehow, we got along very well. He was a typical jewish guy, a little nerdier than usual (no offense here, because I use "nerdy" all the time, mostly to myself). He had a bad first job in investment banking, and this job, in comparison, became his heaven. He was very well trained in statistics. He could picked up anything quite easy. He likes to learn things the hard way. (The following sentence needs some CS training to understand) For example, if you gave him a C++ library to use, he would dig up how some of the library functions are implemented, rather than just using them, like most people would do. He used to like Asian girls. Yellow fetish, if you have to put a label. He learned a hard lesson from a mean Hongkong girl. Now I do not think he dares to touch my race:-) Well, that is a joke, and all my best wishes to Aymin. I have to make the joke here because of the way he described that girl -- "soooooo meeeeean!"

So I guess I gave him a helpful hand after he joined in. At the very beginning when he started, I knew I would be leaving, so I just tried to familiarize with what I do, so he could take over it I leave. In the end, he does take over half of my tasks.

My fond memory of Aymin comes from our goofing around. Two days ago, both of us were in a video conference call. It turned out the other side did not show up, so we had half an hour to kill. We began to play with the video. First, we called into a random room, joking that we might get the CEO on the other side. Then we looked at ourselves from the video playback, and soon realized that there was a delay in the video. So I tried to turn my head real quick, and was able to see the back of the neck (and then saw a quick turn). Aymin tried to roll his eyes and then was able to see of white part of his eyes from the video. We alternated to do all weird things that we usually could not see ourselves doing from a mirror. But with the delayed video playback, we felt like we were catching a glimpse of ghosts.

Then I discovered something better. I tilted my head to one side. The video playback showed the opposite direction with half-a-second delay. Then I tilted my head quickly from this side to that, back and forth. Soon enough I figured out the timing to make the video in sync with the real me. That created an illusion of immediate video playback. Then I would suddenly stop moving, observing me in the video screen magically tilted my head once more. We giggled like two teenage California girls.

I know I know. It does not sound too fun when I wrote it out, but we were so cracked up for doing those silly things right at the moment. Soon we found that there was one guy from that random room who was staring at the screen too. Realization: Our silly videos were transmitted to the other side. We cut off the video, a little embarrassed but mostly empowered by our goofiness. Walking out of the video conference room, one guy was staring at us from a cubicle nearby. Our silly laugh must be that loud.

As I wrapped up my last day, I could sense that some of my co-workers will miss me (I will miss them too), and others probably would not give a shit. Aymin is in the former category. As most people in work place are way too pretentiously serious, I hope Aymin will soon find another goofy buddy to share a moment here and there. For me, my new job will be full of sleazy business type too. Probably no more goofing around. In some way, writing this entry is my homage to the good old time that will never come back again.

Moving on

It is a time of life again. After seven years in California, I am ready to move on to the east coast. It was a wonderful half a year. I finished my dissertation, started a new job, will quit this job in one week, then take some time off, go to Austria for some training, and then start a new job. How can I hope for a better experience?

Of course I can. Somehow my first job does not work out as well as I have hoped. I can say it is actually for the good, because it became painless for me to quit this one and start a new one. However, I cannot fight off the doubt: Is it because of me, or because of the people around me? I guess one job is too small a sample to give a definitive answer, so let me try another to find it out.

So I need to move again. I need to get out of my current apartment in 2 days. My roommate gave me his spare key, so that I plan to sneak back in once a while to sleep in the living room for two weeks. In return, I am going to leave him with TV, stereo, and vacuum cleaner, maybe more stuff. Hopefully, no one from my university housing office is reading my blog, as this one is self-incriminating myself for illegal occupancy.

Busy busy busy. The training for my new job has already started. I needed to finish the online modules. They are actually quite consuming, especially those accounting sheets. But I guess it is all worth it in the end. I got another tooth extracted two days ago. Now my teeth are either good or gone, nothing in between. Doing dental flossing daily now, a price I need to pay to prevent future extractions or deep cleaning. I might need to get implants some day, because I have two missing teeth now.

So I am going to Austria next month for job training. It almost feels surreal to me, just like seven years ago when I planned to come to the states. In the process of applying for a visa, I lost my passport in a parking lot for four hours. I was quite freaked out. Fortunately, someone found it and returned to me. Americans, I love you all!

Tomorrow is the graduation day again. Last year I fake walked, and this year I could not be more different, as if the life was swirling away from its predestined path, heading towards unknown territory with a sense of awe and fear. A lot of my friends are graduating this year. This will be the last time I can see so many of my dear friends, walking onto stage to celebrate their life milestones. I do not know when I will see them again in the future. Take lots of pictures, handshakes and hugs. Everyone of us have different plan: my best friend is heading to Ohio, as his wife will start her Ph.D. OSU. Among my cohort, one heads to Portland, one heads to Missouri, both of whom have a great academic job waiting for them. I am also heading in my direction. Bye.

A new job

I am going to start a new job in Boston in July. That's what I have been planning for the past several months, and now it finally hit me with its inevitability.

Starting something new is always a scary experience for me. I hope that is a common feeling for all human beings, not just me. Will people be as nice as I have met here? Will the rule of game be all changed? Will dressing up in suit makes me more and more conservative? What if that is a mistake to quit a good job and pursuing a seemingly better one? As always, much self-doubt crept in, and much self-inertia told me, "What's the point?" But the other side of my head was always yearning for new adventures. It tried hard to convince me that growing through such experience is how I would finally grow up, just like the muscle pains after a gym session helped build a strong body.

Anyway, in the past several days I was traveling around. First I went to Ottawa to get my US visa (I would update some of photos soon). While waiting for the passport to be returned to me, I wandered around the city. I went to the museum of nature, which hosted an amazing collection of dinosaurs (Just say something off the track. If I were to be born in the States and learned to always pursue my passion as a kid, I would probably be a paleontologist, digging bones and studying ancient animals). I also rent a bike for four hours, almost no-stop. I think I reached pretty far in the countryside. On the way back, the rain suddenly pouring down and I was lucky to be back to the bike rental place in time, hiding under the bridge arch and watching the rain, amazed by its intensity.

Finally I hopped on the plane and head to Boston. There I stayed with a high school friend and her husband (I think I will write a blog about them soon). I walked around the city and tried to check out some neighborhoods where I wanted to live in when I start my new job. My impression about Boston is that it is an elitist bastion. Relatively whiter than SF, of course.

Tomorrow I am going to talk to my current manager about my decision. That's not something I am looking forward. As I blogged in the previous entries, I do not hit along well with my current manager. However, leaving the post feels like a personal betrayal. It was she that took me under her wing when I desperately needed my first job, and now I am leaving for better things, probably kicking up some dust on the team that I would leave behind.

So what's up?

I think this is the first time I have hold off writing blogs for more than a month. It is not really due to great restrains of my will power. No. It is because I am very busy and I do not have much to report in this blog.

I am going to take a trip to Ottawa and Boston this coming week. Why? Well, I am going to write about that next Monday. Actually, I am going to write quite a few entries the coming days, as there is a big transition coming for me. Of course, I am going to finish "My crush" series (I think I have two more at least). Now I have to come back to do my laundry.

website and namesake

Hi here is my website. Did you see this one coming? To be honest, this one is half serious and half a social experiment. Hey, help me propagate the web by linking to this page from your website. Of course, this is my first website, and I might have a more commercial one coming soon. Stay tuned.

Now go back to a blog called "namesake". Before I came to the states, having an English name was very fashionable in college, and it probably still is. Isn't that an indication of openness and adaptation? After I came to the states, the Chinese name seemed to become a liability. Because it was hard to pronounce, I felt sorry for other people for their efforts. So I had an English name, "Robert," in an English class. It never felt right, but that's the best I could do.

Then there was this one older Chinese fellow in my department. I did not like him as a person too much, but I always thought his opinions were of high values. He was quite a sensitive thinker, just like me. So one day he reasoned to me why we should keep our original name, and I thought he was right. So "Robert" went to the history, and I stuck with my name Songhua in all situations from then on. I did realize one advantage: its uniqueness. For example, I have no trouble in picking up email addresses or blog sites based on my first name. Also, the power of sticking with my own name, as if it was a strong statement of independence and identity. Psychologically, while I am not aware of any evidence, I firmly believe that the name could play some tricks on you. Of course, I still make one compromise now. When I am in Starbucks or fast food places, I am "Kevin" or "Erik", just to make things easier for both the cashiers and me.

Really, the more I think about it, the more valuable an asset my name become. So if everything has to have a grand purpose, then my website can be regarded as my small effort to manage this brand name - "Songhua".

My Crushes (II)

I was about to launch my own website, with a blog entry called "namesake" to accompany it. However, everything is done, but one verification process is stuck now, so I have to wait for a couple days more. You might be surprised to find out what I am up to with this website. Stay tuned.

Okay, back to my crushes. Time flies to my junior middle school. Unlike my first crush experience, this time I experienced the agony of liking someone typical to teenagers. I used to keep one-two sentence diary on my diary book (actually, it was a scheduler). It sometimes read like that, "today I talked to XXX. She laughed at my jokes. I was happy." Or something opposite to that if I had a bad day. Of course, XXX could mean a few girls. Hey, as shy as I was back then, any girls will do.

My interest was mostly on a girl whom I shall call Pincha here. She was nice and pretty. Allow me to jump ahead here. I met her just last year when I visited Beijing, when she was working. Wearing a blue outfit, a blue handbag, and some blue eye-shades, she looked as pretty as before, if not more. Of course, she grew up and now looked capable and professional. I visited her apartment, where she and her boyfriend lived together. They were getting married soon. I looked on the wall, where a large engagement picture was hung. Not exaggeration here, but she can surely pass as a movie star. We watched one episode of a long Korean TV series together.

Flash back to junior high school again. Both she and I were not tall, so we were at the second row, separated by a walking aisle. Four rows in the classroom, and each week we switched rows (1 became 2, 2 became 3, 3 became 4 and 4 became 1). You can imagine how I hated the week when I was in 1 and she was in 4. However, even in weeks when we were only separated by an aisle, we did not talk too much. Most of the opportunities were when we discussed the answers to different problem sets. One other topic is TV. When I found out some TV shows she was watching, I would watch those shows religiously also ("People on the Edge" and "Tokyo Love Story" are two that I can remember of now). Just to have some topics with her. Sometimes she did not get a chance to watch one episode, so I would fill her in during the lunch break.

I think that was the second year of my junior high school years. I tried to think of some good birthday gift for her (Given that I still remembered that, I must have put a lot of thoughts in it). Eventually, I got this small plastic box containing 4 little yellow chicks in it (sorry, it might be a gift she sent me for my birthday. I could not remember exactly). But that was not the main surprise. I actually asked her whether she was free in her birthday. She said yes, and I said I would visit her. I showed up at home, with an audio cassette. That day, we sang songs together and recorded a full cassette. We made a double in the end and each of us kept one copy. I kept my copy until I finished college and was leaving for the States.

So where did I come up this silly idea of recording songs on a cassette for birthday? I do not know. I believe at that time I must have thought that is the best idea in the world. Think about it (The gift was special, unique, one of a kind, with each other's voice on it. What if we get married eventually and showed that to our grandkids? How romantic your grandparents used to be!) Anyway, I do not think anyone in the world knew this episode (of course Pincha and maybe some of her close friends. But hey, who still remember that?), but now you know that. Believe it or not, if you tease me with this episode, I will still brush.

Now it was the final days of junior middle school. We had the photo day. I vividly remember that she had a new coffee-colored long skirt, completely standing out from the crowd (You have to keep in mind that the girls in my junior high school dressed quite conservatively. Their bodies were changing, but they tried hard to hide them). Before then, "cute" or "pretty" was how I categorized girls, and now I had a new dimension called "beautiful."

We got in the same senior high school. We remained as good friends. I visited her home once a while, and knew her parents quite well (Actually, two years ago when I went back home, Pincha and I planned to meet. Pincha told me that her father was in hospital, and I actually visited her father with a bunch of flowers. Very sketchy!). For a while, I wanted her to know my crush on her when I was in high school. However, as times passed by, I began to stop caring. I convinced myself: I have bigger dreams to pursue, so committing to a relationship is the last thing I want to do. This covered up the real reason: my inability to take any risks in intimate relationships.

Until this day, I am not sure when she knew my secret crush back in middle school. I suspect that she (or even her parents) knew along. Isn't the cassette thing obvious enough?

My Crushes (I)

When we talk about the first crush, we tend to go all the way back to when we were little. It is like an arms competition during the cold war, and everyone wants to claim they are the first to land on the moon. Well, if you think I am the exception, you are wrong. I do not even know whether the crush in my fifth grade in elementary should count as a crush, but one incident makes it very memorable. So nowadays when I think of "crush", this one will jump into my mind.

In third grade, a new transfer came to my classroom. She was transferred from a nearby rural school, where she mom used to teach. As her mom got a teaching position (music) in my school, the girl came along. At the very beginning, I noticed that she was different from most urban girls in the class. She had dark skin complexion, probably due to the exposure to the sun while playing outside. When she smiled, she showed her teeth with the mouth widened. She was not shy at all. In fact, she stood out as a wild kid in the class, running around all the time, waving her long hair in the air. To me, a shy and timid kid, her presence was quite refreshing. Let me call her May here. Oh, why the way, her mom was not a good music teacher. She is partly to blame if you hate to go karaoke with me.

Now introduce another figure in my elementary school. Let me call him Seeth here. Seeth was a natural leader in the class. He was tall and smart, full of ideas (sometimes great, sometimes dumb). For example, he began to collect other students' parents' names. When he learnt it, he began to use "XXX's son" as an insult. It resulted in some sort of escalation, as we all ended up collecting these names of parents, just in case, for assault or for defense. We also collected teachers' names (We usually do not know teachers' name. Teachers are referred as Teacher Zhang or Teach Wang, etc.). We used to badmouth teachers on their backs, and using their full names added to our satisfaction. Not surprisingly, I was one of Seeth's follower.

Seeth, May and I were among student committee, which means we were the teachers' helping hands (I was actually on the verge of being a teacher's pet). One of our duties was to come to school over the nap break, to make sure that no other students lingered around the school when they were supposed to take a nap (Until this day, I still do not get the point why we had to force students to take a nap).

One day Seeth and I (and a third guy) were in a shift together during the nap break. The campus was quiet, and we were probably the only persons there. We obviously got bored. Seeth asked whether I had a girl I liked at school. I reluctantly said yes. And how about you, I asked. He said yes too. So we tried to interrogate each other in an attempt to get the girl's name, with no avail. So Seeth said, "We can both write the name on a piece of paper at the same time and then exchange." But what if someone cheated. Well, Seeth pointed out that third guy could be the eye witness. Sounds good to me. So we got a piece of page, and I wrote down May's name, and with my peripheral sights, I saw Seeth dribbled down something too.

You can imagine what happened next. We exchanged the paper, and I realized I was cheated because his sheet had nothing on it. I began to chase after him and caught him, and he quickly put the piece of paper in his mouth and then showed me, "see, I swallowed it." Later I realized he did not. I was told that he retrieved the paper under his tongue and learned my secret crush. Since then I lived under the constant terror that one day he would disclose that to the whole world.

Eventually, I do not think Seeth did. He probably forgot about it, or thought that was really no big deal. For me, however, it was an experience that I felt shameful for liking someone, for no obvious reasons. Seeth later was my classmate in both junior and senior high. Of course, I grew up and no longer his follower. He grew even taller and more handsome. Eventually, he went to a medical university and now probably is serving as a doctor in the military. He had a kid a year ago and now a proud father. If I get a chance to meet him again, I promise myself to bring up this episode and hear his version of the story (unless he has forgotten about it).

After elementary school, May moved on to a technical junior high, and I heard of her only once after that when one of my high school friend told me that her best friend dated May in the technical junior high and later broke up. For me, that was nothing. Crushes come and go, leaving no apparent traces. Only that incident really registered in my memory, making this crush to be the obvious candidate as my first crush ever.

My bittersweet goodbye to sociology

I submitted my dissertation three days ago. Officially, I am a doctor starting from April 8th. The whole dissertation is posted at http://www.songhuaweb.com/SonghuaDissertation.pdf. It is password protected. Yes, upon request, I am emailing one of my readers the password.

Now I am back to starbucks, working on my chapter 5. Why? Well, my adviser suggested that we develop this chapter into a journal paper, and I completely agree with his assessment. I will give him a manuscript some time next week, and we will go from there. After finishing dissertation, my next goal in sociology is to put my name on one of the motherf*&ker journals. And when sociology transforms itself into my hobby by default, writing seems to be easier. The I-don't-care attitude is liberating to me, and I think I will write better this way. And this coming Thursday, I will going to present my paper about China's socialist revolution in a sociological conference in Oakland. That probably will be my sweet goodbye to academic conferences, which I hate very much.

Ironically, that sums up my problems (if I have any:-): the lack of commitment. Throughout my life, I do things mostly out of a motivation to prove that I can be good at anything if I want to. Writing in high school is the start, as I was tired of being labeled as math genius. Joining drama club followed, as I wanted to escape the stereotype of book-smart. Modern dance and exercising were two more, as I wanted to shake off my self-insecurity of physical attractiveness. Pursuing a job is yet another, just so to prove to everyone that I can get a high-paid job wanted by anyone. I have a stubborn tendency not to commit, not to specialize, and to explore everything and say, "look, ma, I can do this!" (From an evolutionary point of view, being a generalist will better weather environmental changes than being a specialist. That partly explains why I have adapted so well from high school to college, from my hometown to California).

These days I try to bike to my company every day. My company will donate 5 dollars to a charity of my choice every time I bike to work. It is easy to be a good person this way. My company also give 50 dollars for cubicle decoration. Look what I get: a dartboard, a hola loop, and a kid's shooting gun. And that's only 25 dollars.

College basketball: Right now I am number 1 in my office pool. Believe it or not, I get all final four right. Now I have a good chance to get some money out of my lucky guesses.

In the next couple of weeks, I am going to start and finish one new series called "My Crush," which will chronicle my various crushes on girls since I was a kid. That will be fun, and now my skin is thick enough to toss it all out.

Lost cellphone and finished dissertation

So I lost my cellphone last Friday. At the beginning, I sorta panicked, as I cannot imagine a life without a cellphone. However, as it turns out, it does not make a big difference. I guess I do not have too many calls to begin with. On the other hand, anything can be achieved without cellphones (email, anyone?). Of course, I need to get an unlocked one on ebay or something soon, but again, what's the rush?

I got all the signatures for my dissertation today and it is ready to be submitted this Thursday. My favorite part of the dissertation is its preface, where I can basically say whatever I want to say. So here it is:

Special thanks to my advisor, whose comments in individual meetings have helped me to carry this project forward with lasting enthusiasm. The most important lesson that I have learned from Andy is that a good scholar is first and foremost a good person. This lesson is going to benefit me way beyond the finishing of this dissertation. I also want to thank other faculty members on my dissertation committee: XXXXXX. They have all provided insightful comments, constructive guidance and warm encouragement on earlier versions of this dissertation. My appreciation goes to all participants of the XXXX Workshop. Regular student members of the workshop include XXXXX. They have not only provided feedbacks on my research, but also formed a supportive community beyond the academic realm. I want to thank XXXX for their editorial help on some parts of this dissertation. They made this dissertation less daunting a project for a non-native speaker like me. I also thank the support of sociology department in the past six and half years. I am forever indebted for the intellectual challenges and collegial friendships that I have faced every day in this esteemed program. Of course, despite all the support I have received on this research project, I am solely responsible for any remaining errors.

I also want to take this moment to say “thank you” to people who have made a big impact in my life and who would be thrilled to know that I have finally achieved this life milestone to become a Ph.D. Special thanks to my beloved co-op house Terra. The three years at Terra House were unforgettable, as we shared meals, house chores, and life experiences with a sense of humor and charm. I want to thank many friends who have offered support when I was down and helped me emerge from distress stronger than ever. Thanks to the family of Victor, Rachel and Justice: you mean a lot to me. Thanks to Connie and Ed, who hosted me on the Thanksgiving Day when I freshly arrived in the States and have been treating me like part of their family ever since. Thanks to three influential teachers in my life: XXXXX. XXX has ignited my love of writing, XXX opened my heart to the arts, and XXX made me believe that I could accomplish everything, including becoming …… a modern dancer. Finally, a big thank-you to my family. In my rebellious years, my family was a place to run away from, as I was eager to establish my own place in the world. Now, thousands of miles away, every day passing by is a time when I realize more and more of their unconditional love that has shaped me all along. I dedicate this dissertation to all of you, and I know that you will be proud.

Photo

Keep going

I discover this website by accident. It turns out she was giving the Broadway videos away for the share love of arts. I got my favorite one: Little Woman. And I promised her to spread the word. SO check out Amy's site. I hope you will enjoy it, and I hope my link here will bump the site a little higher in search ranking, so Amy will get more clicks on her online ads to make some money.

I just realized that my Darwin's Day blog has been linked by a master blogger about Darwin's Day. I was quite surprised, because I do not fully understand how he/she found my blog. Maybe a search of "Darwin's Day" on blogger.com. I am also a little embarrassed because at the end of that entry I digressed into some personal psycho-analysis. I only hope that kind of blabbing is actually intended by evolutionary force, so eventually I will get more copies of genes than otherwise.

I ran 5K the other day. 24'43". Not bad, is it? I have been working happily. It was amazed to find our the inefficiency in work places, so when I just put in mediocre effort I will pretty much stand out in the end. I also realize how much time could be wasted if the general managers lacked the expertise in talking with engineers. So I try to become the broker between these two groups, and I found that was a superb position to have in an high-tech organization.

About a while ago I had a meeting with my adviser. We were talking about the job I was about to start. He said, "I do not understand what it is, but there is something in you that stands you out." (Not exact, as I am only paraphrasing here) I was quite touched, because that was how I felt about myself all the time, but it was the first time that it was confirmed by someone I highly respected. If I have to explain why I am always able to stand out, my adviser, here is my preliminary self-analysis.

Four traits: 1. I am smart. 2. I am hard-working. 3. I have a good judgment about people. This makes me quickly figure out what's going on in an office, who to trust and who to not, and act accordingly so that I do not waste too much time in some nonsense 4. Finally, I think I am kind and humble. I usually do not abuse my talents in the previous three fields. I tried hard to make other people look good and feel comfortable. I hope nobody regards me as a threat, so I would be involved with intra-office politics. So really, I have a master strategy here, but it is subtle enough so I hope nobody will notice that.

My teeth

I haven't been very good in blogging recently. Hope I haven't lose readers at a speed I am losing teeth.

I just got one tooth (actually, some tiny root of a tooth) extracted. It all started with my new dental insurance plan (I never had dental plan before). Since now I am cover, I decided to give dental care a shot, first time in ten years.

My teeth have been a big problem since I was a kid. When I was little, I liked to eat candy and hated to brush my teeth. Got lots lots of cavities. My Niangniang used to bring me to the dentists quite often, fixing this and that. I think I had a bad memory about dentists, because they brought unbearable pains and some shame onto me. During and after college, some fillings began to wear out, and I was stubborn and scared enough not to see a dentist. As time passes by, one tooth on each side began to go bad. Initially, I still could feel the pain, but eventually I felt nothing. The pain nerve must have been dead.

So I went to see a dentist two weeks ago. Diagnosis: Most of my teeth were okey (except two, of course), but my gums are heavily infected. Last Friday, I went through a painful 2-hour deep cleaning. They used laser to burn off some infected gums, and I could smell it, like burned plastics. My gums bled badly. That night, I bled more, and I think now I need to change my pillow sheet and bed sheet.... (I could've describe it in a more gross manner to make it more realistic, but I refrained myself). And then two days ago I visited the dentist again and got one bad tooth extracted.

Overall, I have very good experience with dentists this time, though it cost me a fortune even with the insurance. I plan to fix all my dental problems this year. Maybe good teeth could help me in dating somehow. I got a new road bike too. I put the old one in my working place, and use the new one to cruise around the campus. I was running around the bay today, as my office building is less one mile from the bay. I have a 5K run in my company tomorrow, and it should be a breeze.

By the way, check out Lily Allen's album. It is surprisingly good. Leave a comment here if you want it from me (Also, once a while I talked about the music I was listening at the moment. If you would like to get these music, just let me know. I promise that I have a good taste of music).

Two good movies: The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine. Must-see movies of the year. Also watched a play: Peach Blossom Land. If you were in the same college with me, you probably remember that play. Now at my university, the play was translated into English by the author himself, Stan Lai. So many fond memories in drama club. When I watched the play, the Chinese version came through my eyes. A lot of my drama group friends were in it. How are you all doing now?

5K

I sign up for a 5K run on March, so I have started training last week. One hour in the gym every weekday, and whatever I can afford on weekends. My physical ability has plateaued, I think. I was skiing the whole day on Monday, and then it took me a whole week to recover. That is quite ridiculous, because my recovery time used to be very short. But somehow, I also feel there is no big deal. All these years of my fear of aging have translated into a very good habit of physical activities. Now I only need to keep the momentum and still beat the people in my same age bracket and same physical size! Way to go.

Darwin Day

Today I was attending a symposium called Darwin Day. It is a collection of talks about evolutionary theory. I spent about 1 and half hours there, and learned: 1. string theory, 2. biography of Charles Darwin and 3) there are great people pursuing knowledge tirelessly. Interestingly, there is another event called "evolution day" on campus, organized by religious group to promote "the biblical truth and coexistence with evolution theory". F^&&*'em. Anyway, tomorrow is Darwin's birthday. My hat off to you, Mr. Darwin.

If I step back, I have to wonder why I want to spend certain portions of my life to attend these science lectures. For example, now I have a great understanding about the universe with the help of string theory, but what good does that do for me? If anything, it makes me a more stubborn and unapologetic defender of atheism, an unpopular position to take in the states right now. Moreover, why not just take an hour off watching some TV? I guess somehow, I must have got a pure joy from learning scientific thinkings. I will black out to the questions of "what's the meaning of life?" or "who am I?" For me, these are just stupid questions, and you will be a stupid person if you ask them. However, I would be intrigued if you could propose different ways strings can knot themselves to create alternative universes.

I am a shy person in general. For example, I can barely make eye contact with girls in bars, not mentioning starting a conversion with any of them. But somehow I am a bold person, with a firm belief that how much struggle I have right now, I will turn out to be okey. Science is not easy, living your own life style is not easy either, especially it does not confirm the mainstream. Really think about it, I am almost 30 years old, still living in a college apartment, single, rarely going out, love science and hate religious discussion, love great stories and hate special effects, love genius minds and hate the stupidity of the mass. As if I have to be so rational that it will squeeze all the fun out of my life. But somehow, I persist, believing "some day, you will be cool (from "Almost Famous)". Or to borrow a great poem, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. (Robert Frost)" It has been lonely journey so far, but hey, just imagine it is like the voyage of the Beagle, five years in the making but eventually everything going to pay off. At least that's my hope.

My friend (Gamma)

My last blog seems to spin out my control and became a self-promoting piece. It is as if I am shouting, "look at me! Ain't I great?" Well, forgive my indulgence.

So it is time for another blog on my friends. I believe that is my 29th entry, so her name will be Gamma. Gamma is my co-worker. She is taking maternity leave next week, so it is a perfect time to talk about her now.

Gamma is a trained engineer. If I have to summarize her in one word, it has to be "kind". Maybe because she will soon become a mother of two, she like to take care of the two nerds in the office: me and another Chinese guy. Why "taking care"? Well, you will have to understand the dynamics in the team first. My manager is not well-organized, and most of the time stressed out. I suspect family issues. She is a little arrogant and like to micromanage and enjoy the power. Two of my co-workers, white, obviously sense this and try to appease the manager by asking for her permissions for everything. Kiss-up, if I may. Gamma does not care to play that game, and I am too proud to play that game, and the other Chinese guy probably does not have a clue.

I figured that out pretty quickly. You know, judging people really is my strong suit. However, Gamma think we Chinese guys do not have a clue. She will try to subtly distill some information to me about the politics in the office (of course, not in a way that I just described, but the essence is the same) and give me suggestions about how to appease the managers and co-workers. For that, I am very thankful. In a worldful of assholes, it is quite rare to find someone thinking of other people all the time.

So why she is so nice? Well, she is very religious. Yesterday, she mentioned that religion changed her life. Upon knowing that I am a stubborn atheist, she said, "we should talk some time." I think religion really gives her a peaceful mind. For her, it is okey to pass up promotions or good assignments, because at the end of day, we will be judged by Him anyway. That's why she could enjoy small tasks like coding excel sheets or managing a small project. For her, being ambitious competitive does not make any sense.

Now she is taking maternity leave, I am picking up most of her tasks. Professionally, it is a good sign. As a one-month long new hire, I am able to quickly pick up some projects to pad my resume. But I also vow to pass along Gamma's spirit. The source will be different: for Gamma, it is the religion. For me, it is the believe that if you work hard, try to make other people look good, and stay positive, you can always get ahead, sooner or later (and no kiss-up). Besides, I also vow to take care of people who are social ill-adapted in my group. Please, I am not condescending here. I say this out of admiration: In the end of the day, they are the people who create the wealth (only to see it hijacked by the BS of the sales-person type), and you learn more by hanging out with them.

So that will be my great social experiment. I will just hold on my idealism for a little bit longer, because hey, I have nothing to lose here (why? that's another story). Just be myself, and be like Gamma.

writer's block

I think I am losing the ability to write a cohesive blog recently. I have attempted to write some entries, but I lost my train of thoughts after several paragraphs, only to wonder what should be my punchline. Here are two that I have saved as drafts. The first one was written on Feb 1 titled "Amedeus":

I finished watching the movie "Amedeus" in two nights. My second time watching it. I relate to this movie in several levels. First of all, I almost played Mozart back in college in my freshman year. Back then, I was brave enough to try everything, auditioning for that main part. Unfortunately, my talent did not live up to the part. Nonetheless, I am proud until today because I was even CONSIDERED for that part.

I like to think of myself as Mozart, not as talented as him, but with the attitude of being a genius. I hate to compromise to the mediocrity, so I never do. But at the same time, I can also identify myself as Salieri, because I get jealous very easily

Sometimes watching movies is very private and spiritual experiences for me. I will become very self-reflective, finding bits and pieces of my life living in the charactors. That's why all my favorite movies are about good stories. In the darkness of the theater, I lose myself in the storyline, completely safe and secure, watching some of my personal trains being amplified in the movie and living by themselves.

Here is one written two days ago titled "working life":

As my working life progressed, my thoughts sorta stagnated. What should I blog about now. In a way, my life experience became richer. For example, I have been to two fancy ski resorts in both west and east coast. I went to watch Sarah Chang's violin performance. Two days ago, I watched Super Bowl on TV for the first time. I will go watch Shark's game two weeks later. Tomorrow I am going to have my first-ever massage.

But what's the point? There is one kind of people I hate the most. These people hit all all the right spots of so-called life experiences. They plan for vacations, travel to Africa, hang famous paintings on the wall, read books on the best-seller list. They talk with a cup of red wine in hand, they dance only with a jazz band, they talk about weather, house, or kids. They are the cliche. They represent the mediocrity. They always feel comfortable, and feel good about themselves. These people are the worst enemies of nerds like me.

Maybe I am on my way to be one of them, but I try not to. Luckily, I believe I

I then lost my words and could not proceed. I intended to say that I am a rebel, but am I sure? Even if I am sure, writing it down feels like self-promoting and self-doubting. But here is the thing. I hate any life experiences distorted by social class. Sounds like Marxism, isn't it? While I am eager to climb social ladder myself, I believe that is a thing that I have to do, rather than something I really enjoy in its core. I dressed in shirt at work, but I know that I am most comfortable with t-shirt. I put on public performance in networking with people professionally, but I know I really enjoy talking to nerds about some cs scripts. I went to ski trips, but the most memorable part is how I almost froze my fingertip off or how I fell so hard on the steep slope that I felt that my big toe was bleeding. I went to bars, and I enjoyed the most of people-watching. I went to massage, then I experienced listening to music, feeling music notes dancing around in repetitive circles but always with unexpected turns here and there. It is like what I experienced after a long-distance run, or (let's say hypothetically) after my only encounter with weed a couple of years ago.

What I want to say here is that: I love life so much that I pull my heart into experiencing it at its most private details. I believe most people are too easy to be co-opted into a mode that life becomes a process of accumulating points: visiting museums, 1 point, traveling to foreign countries, 3 points, a luxurious wedding, 5 points, a big house and 3 kids, 10 points, and so on...... I know I am always different. I also know that it will not necessarily lead to a happy life, but it is a life of my choice, not tainted by the mainstream, and not compromised by external pressure.

Dissertation chapter

So far I pretty much secured all signatures of my dissertation committee, so I am going to graduate this quarter. My adviser especially gave it a kind remarks, making me feel like a genius. So here is my final chapter, 8 pages, double-spaced.

http://www.songhuaweb.com/chapter%206.doc

I finished watching the movie "Amedeus" in two nights. My second time watching it. I relate to this movie in several levels. First of all, I almost played Mozart back in college in my freshman year. Back then, I was brave enough to try everything, auditioning for that main part. Unfortunately, my talent did not live up to the part. Nonetheless, I am proud until today because I was even CONSIDERED for that part.

I like to think of myself as Mozart, not as talented as him, but with the attitude of being a genius. I hate to compromise to the mediocrity, so I never do. But at the same time, I can also identify myself as Salieri, because I get jealous very easily.

A face lift of my blog

My philosophy of blogging has always been minimalist. Text only. Maybe some pictures once a while. Definitely no links or crazy embedded youtube videos.

Time changes, so I decides to modernize my blog a little bit. I put up a section called "iFriends" where I put links to my friends' blogs. I put up another section called "iShare" to link to my favorite video clips, be it from Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. The new Blogger also allows me to have a more organized "iArchive" section. In rare occasions, I might link to other sites, but that would be minimal. To be honest, I do not see this blog change too much. If I really want to get fancy, I would simply start another blog. That would be silly.

So how am I doing? Pretty good, actually. I get up 6:15am almost every morning. After morning exercises, I eat breakfast before I start working. My work schedule is quite flexible, so I begin to learn all sorts of stuff: MySQL, Python, Wiki, Excel, Powerpoint, R. I am very much stimulated by learning new things. Back home at night, I would just watch a DVD or some PBS documentaries. LIfe is very orderly, and I enjoy it very much. Some day I think I will blog my co-workers. Hope they wouldn't google my name and accidentally find my blog, hehe...

I will try to publish the last chapter of my dissertation in this blog soon, so my readers, if interested, will get some ideas of what I have been working on for so many years. (One reader asked me for the dissertation draft. Well, first of all, it has not been finalized yet. Second, I do not want to bore you with all 150 pages. So read the concluding chapter, and then decide whether you want to waste more time reading a doctoral thesis). I am going to meet with my advisor tomorrow for some feedbacks.

After I started working, my weekends have become more interesting. Now I really feel the taste of weekends because it is very precious. Last weekend, I went to a friend's party on Friday. Played football video game most of the time. Saturday, I went to watch a dance performance. Sunday, I watched a puppet show in the afternoon and a dance show by Bent Spoon, of which I used to be a member and choreographed my own dance piece. It was nice to see all dancer friends, hugging and greeting, all big smiles.

Ann and Erik

Sorry for being a slacker in updating my blog. So much to say, but so little time these days. So first, let me finish this friend blog: Ann and Erik. Unlike my previous entries, these are their real names. I am sure that no readers of mine will ever know who they are, so further protection is unnecessary.

Since I have preemptively claimed myself as racist in previous entries, I have no trouble to say the following out loud. I hate white-male Asian female couples, for a mixture of reasons. For one, I understand the racial hierarchy, so I partially envy those Asian girls who have an easy time climbing it and I am also partially disgusted by white guys who seek a sense of power in the relationship. For another, I pity these couples because of their usual unhappy endings. However, Ann and Erik are a different couple. Ann was a Chinese American, and Erik is a Swedish. They are the perfect couple.

Both Ann and Erik are outdoor persons. Erik joined the army for half a year and had much experience in surviving in the wilderness, on land or in the sea. Ann grew up skiing, lived in different places, is very organized, almost to an extreme. They met in a university as students. After graduation, they did some free-lance teaching of computer sciences. Ann sought further education in my university now, and Erik had a job nearly. But their passion is always in the nature, usually making friends along the trips.

I was lucky to have them as the trip leader in a snow-camping trip last week. In the car up to the mountain, we discussed the educational experiences of different countries. On the way down, we talked about why no countries could invade Sweden. Pretty random, isn’t it?

They were experienced, but they left no one behind. For the first time in a long time, I realized that I could learn so much in someone who had a completely different knowledge set. We used two sleeping bags to fend off cold; we hang two water-bottles around the neck in the jackets so the water wouldn’t freeze. We learned cross-country skiing; we learned how to tell directions from the sun; we learned a variety of knots (most of which I already forgot)…. After the trip, Ann sent us follow-up emails about the recipe of energy bars and lunch, breakfast. We got a bill: 18.82 dollars, so precise that the calculation actually filled a whole spreadsheet. Ann and Erik are leaving for Sweden soon, to see their new house after decorations.

In a way, this blog is not well planned. I do not really know Ann and Erik. Even if I know them well, their life is rich in details so that any summary descriptions in a blog will pale. However, I still want to write it. They are the people I really want to know well. They make me feel: being opposite to my life style is really really cool. I follow the plan, but they follow the passion. Isn’t that strange that they are happier than me?!

Ski Trip!

I was cross-country skiing and snow-camping this past weekend. We all slept in 2 sleeping bags on top of two sleeping pads with all our clothes on. And it was still cold.
Big kudos to Erik and Ann for organizing this. I think I have enough materials about this couple to continue my friend series. However, now I have to go to sleep, but I promise I will get this blog done in the coming days.

My new roommate

I have had this 3-bedroom apartment on my own for almost 20 days. I was happy that I lived like a king. An hour ago, I got a new roommate. After the initial disappointment, I am actually very happy. You know, having another person around really change the dynamics of the apartment. He has a TV, so we have decided to activate the cable. I am going to watch a lot of TV this quarter!

dissertation

I finished the whole draft of dissertation two days ago. Felt like on fire in the final chapter. Yesterday I took a day off and visited Aquarium with my friends. Today I need to revise my dissertation into something more readable.

I have been swimming recently. My routine is: one lap right-handed freestyle and one lap left-handed freestyle. After 1000 meters, swim some laps with two-handed freestyles with alternating breathing. Still not mastered it, but I am getting there.

I was just called up by a nice lady from blood center. I have been donating blood since early last year. If I go this month, this will be my fourth time. I think blood donation is really for my own ego, as if I want to prove I am as healthy as I want it to be. Also, I feel that I am in demand. Along the way, if I can do some good, why not?

A new year!

Have you ever felt this incredible urge to procrastinate? So here I am, on the verge of finishing all the chapters except the conclusion, just experiencing a writer's block. It is not a block when you do not have anything to write, it is rather one that you know exactly what you can write, but just refuse to finish it off. Just got the soundtrack of "Little Woman" as well a bunch of "This American Life" achieved programs, which makes my solitary life so too bad.

So here are what I did in the past several days. Spent new years eve in SF playing board games with a bunch of nerds, and I am a nerd too. Spent new year's day with advisor and other students to celebrate his decision to stay. Today I went to the airport picking up a friend who came back from S Korea. He helped me a lot in editing my papers, and I cannot thank him enough. So any time, Paul, to be your driver.

When I just started the blog, I will get a bunch of blogs about "Songhua River" if I search "songhua blog" on google. Now my blog comes the first. It is a blessing as well as a curse, a curse because now I have to be very cautious about blogging about my jobs. (unrban legends have it that you can get fired because of your blogs.) Therefore, although I have some big news about work, I have to hold it off here. I am sorry that I cannot be completely honest here, but at least I am honest to reveal that I am hiding something from you.

*******
Mmmmwwwhahaha, as planned, I finished chapter 5. And as a bonus, I have jumped ahead of the plan and drafted the outline of the concluding chapter. Maybe I should take a break tomorrow or something. Give myself a pat on the back, hehe.