a small lapse

In retrospect, I think I had a small depression in the past week. I did not really know how I got into it, and did not realize how I got out of it. But I just know it happened, by comparing the mood and my work productivity. Well, whatever. It troubles me too much just to think about it, so stop intellectualizing!

Yes, II rejected the CUHK offer

After ten days of nursing my left foot, I am back running. It feels a little uncomfortable in the first 500 hundred meters, but after that, it feels normal. In the future, I wish I will be more careful.

Procrastination on my thesis is a big theme for me this quarter. I am busy in thousands of things, and they give me perfect excuse to not looking at my crappy thesis at all. Now things are winding down, and I hope I will be break enough to open these files over this spring break. Also, my paper is rejected from Social Forces, and now I need to revise this paper too so that I can submit it to other journals. Still not much information about law schools and post-docs. I just hope I will not be stuck with a worst case scenario.

I am going to teach a class this spring quarter. This will make a good quarter for me, and also add a nice item to my resume.

Spanish final exam is coming. I am review the book one chapter after another. I think I have a very good sense of the language now. I can read well, with the assistence of online dictionary. If people slowed their speaking enough, I can catch a phrase or two. Just finish the piano class. I can play some simple scores after several practices. My music reading is bad, but my muscle memory is pretty good, thanks probably to my dance training. I think I should play several pieces really well, so that I can show off once a while.

rejection of an offer

I turned down a great job offer in the past several hours. Haven't regretted it, and maybe I never will. It just feels right to do so, even though I cannot see its immediate effect yet. I need to see my advisor on Saturday. I guess I have a lot to explain, and I still do not know how.

my left foot

I almost felt that my left foot cracked last night. Last night is the last perforamance of "Urban Nights". We had small glitches several times. Then in the free improvising mode, I jumped high and then someone pushed me. I landed on the upper-surface of my left-foot, and I heared three distinct sounds of "cracks". a lot of thoughts went through my mind that time, "oh, my gosh, fractures". I played on the ground for a while, until the acute pain was gone. And then got up to finish the piece.

After I came back, I was very worried about the foot. I hope this is not the end of the physical activity. The foot is fine in any normal activities, but I feel some pains when I pressure it inwards. I hope it will going to heal. I have never been so scared about my injury. Before I would just laugh it off, believing it is going to be fine. Not this time. I was lying in bed thinking about it for a long time before I fell asleep.

I bought some flowers for my dance group last night. It was a hit. I feel you can make people happy by justing doing small little things. Besides, since there are other dance groups also, my group members now felt they were special because they could hold a flower back to the dorm as their trophy. Of course, I went back home empty handed. I just could not resist the temptation to give away as many flowers as possible, so I left none for myself.

In general, life treats me well (if my foot will be okey). I lowered my expectation about my future, so it felt better. I did not call Zexum yesterday, because it was Sunday in China. I felt very awkward when I called her on weekends, and could imaging her mom eardropping (I know her mom actually quite well). So I will call her tonight. I am going to visit my friend's place tonight, maybe catching some glamorous moment of Oscar. And then back to the management selection meeting, which is quite stupid to begin with. I have helped to set up a compost plot for my house, and felt like a big achievement. I finished the chair painting, and I hope I will upload a picture of that soon. California keeps raining, and I hope the weather next week will be good. If my foot heals, I should resume running at time soon.

unfair

Last post is a little bit unfair in describing my current life. In actuality, I quite enjoyed it. Both positive and negative feelings existed, but I do not know which one is the REAL reality. So just want to be fair and balanced, like fox news.

Losing control?

Although I am managing it well, I know I am not doing well recently. At 8pm tonight, I felt that I was so exhausted, an exhaustion from days of disappointment and crazy schedule. I lay down for a while, listening to some music. Phone rang, and a stupid conversation. Smiling faces on the surface, I know I am sinking pretty badly.

How so? Well, it is all stupid, because it is all about expectations. I thought I would have a lot of options for the next year, but it turned out not to be the case. The options I have right now it not bad, but I am just not satisfied because of the high hope. Most of the time I hide my ambition quite well, but once I strike, I want to hit the target. But this time, I might just miss it badly. Sigh....

So there is really no big deal. Working in hongkong, or stay in my school for one more year on post-dos. Either is not bad. But what really hits me is my growing doubts about the matching between my ambition and my ability. I have been cruising all the way until today, and now I face a first ever drawback in my whole life. Live with it, I tell myself. But another voice is always there, telling me all kinds of negative things about myself. So that's the state of my mind. I have been planning my game all along, but all of a sudden, I find myself not in the driver seat any more. So a little bit car-sick now.

Ok, let me describe my day today. This quarter is my busiest, and here is why. Last night, went to bed at 1am. Got up at 9am. Shower, eat, and went to class of spanish at 10am. 11am, meeting in the library. 12:00am, department talk. 1:15pm, voice class. 2:10, meeting with my tutee. 3-5pm library work. 5pm returned to my dorm. Played some piano. 6pm dinner. 7pm, spanish homework. 8pm lay down a bit, called Zexum. 9pm, dance rehearsal. 11pm, return. More spanish homework. Almost every single hour was occupied. Crazy day it is. Tomorrow will be similar. All the way until Saturday. Take a break on Sunday. Next week will be better, as I will finish off all the spanish homework and dance rehearsal. I think I am over-committed this quarter. Part of my problem is that I do not know how to throw away burdens as I walk along. Rubbish!

My column

Finally, I think Beijing Daily is going to publish my column. This is my third installment. I think I will be famous soon. Just kidding. No, seriously.

A World According to i-pod

American students listen to music every single minute, no matter whether they are working, studying, eating, jogging or sometimes even sleeping. In the past several years, Apple’s i-pod has become a ubiquitous school gear besides the backpack and notebook. If you also get this little metal box with white earphones, congratulation: welcome to the “cool-kid” club!

However, buying i-pod is not the only monetary investment. Music costs money too. For most students living in a dorm setting in China, pirated versions of music CD usually comes handy. The ultra-cheap price hides the real market values of the music. American students live in a totally different world. They would never suspect a plain-looking lady holding a baby on the street is actually a vendor of illegal disks. Talking about life experience……

Anyway, as the poorest among all demographics, college students usually get around by illegal downloading. The university has recently tightened the rules and several of my friends have received a warming email for their misbehaviors. However, this cannot stop brave souls from trying, as students exchange CDs and swap hard drives. Just in case my university is looking over my shoulder right now, I am here to declare that all the music in my i-pod is indeed legally procured. And conspicuously, I’ve lost all my receipts!

Some students in my dorm are hippie types. They seem to know the names of all rock bands and the histories of how each song was made. They go to all kinds of live performance, as if it is a ritual of coming of age. A big nerd as I am, I often suspect that not every performance is as fun as they describe. This reminds me that I used to always question the quality of pop music concerts in Beijing, although I had never been to one actually.

When we cook, two big speakers face the kitchen and blast loud music. Sometimes it is even hard to chat with people two feet away. People will sing along when the music is familiar. At one time, we kept playing the musical “Rent” over and over, and the kitchen would produce all different pitches of “five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, how do you measure a year?” I figure the composer is a mathematician. Sometimes students get all hyped up, and they will do some happy dances along with the music.

American students’ love affair with the music is probably seeded early in their children. Churches are the art center of local communities, and a lot of kids participate in the chorus. Schools never force-feed students with academic materials, so students freely choose singing and dancing as their life inspiration. Recently, “American Idol” TV program has set up a dream workshop. Singing well, you are Kelly Clarkson. Singing awful, you are William Hung. Either way, you get a record deal and gain fame over night.

My taste of music has been changing under the influence of my friends in my dorm. The 3,600 songs in my i-pod have recorded the shifting landscape of the music dear to me. Some early favorites have been shuffled aside, and new songs gain prominent locations in the play-lists. After some painstaking research, I have found three tricks that, if I play masterfully, would make you well respected by cool kids in America. First, repeat after me, “I HATE Celine Dion!” (or even better, say, “I am over Madonna now.”) Second, procure as much knowledge about “the Beatles” as possible and always boast about that. Third, play a musical instrument, preferably guitar. Oh, did I forget to mention i-pod?

Why?

It is a short one. I just called Zexum, and she was busy. So we just talked for about 5 minutes and then she said she had to go back to work. And I said it was totally okey. Then I felt bad after I hung up.

I have been telling her that it is okey to plead "busy" when I call her in her busy time. In fact, having her own work and being serious about it is one major reason why I like her. However, human emotion can trick me into something else, and I guess I have to live with it.

.... (Two hours later) Just kicked some serious asses. Finished some monstrous homework in two hours. Thought it might take more, but obviously it does not take that long.

A weekend!

Hi, kids, I am here again, happy about the weekend. The small obligations combined to make me hard to breath, and at least now I am feel a sigh of relief since I have two days to finish up unfinished business. However, things still keep piling up even over the weekends, so I really need to glue my ass on the chair and do things one after another.

My advisor emailed me a minute ago. Obviously, he got to know the job offer from someone else and asked what I think. Damn, I thought I can have a better answer for him than the one I had now (I do know knpw). I tried to hide the news from him so that I will have some time to see other options and wait for other opportunities. Now I may hold on for one more day and just give him a damn and indecisive answer. That's not the image I want him to have of me.

Stretched out for sure, but am I stressed out? Hell no. I felt alive, mainly because of my friends I made in the past year or two. For good or bad, I slowly lost the connections with my chinese fellows that used to be my only network. I do not even think of calling them at all at any more. Maybe I just do not care any more. Maybe I just happened to know too many of their imperfections and found out that I had alternatives to them. For example, I know one person is never honest, and the other friends seem to keep the eyes closed. I was the one to shout out "the emperor does not have clothes on," but that only ruined everyone's good feeling. Another friend was only friend when your status is high, but easily abandoned you when you are not. Yet another..... Fuck. I admit that I am imperfect, but I wouldn't trade my integrity for anything! So here I am. On this crossroad, I feel the constellation of the people around me shifting and shifting. Sometimes I feel nostagia, but more often than not, I find myself much enpowered, because I have options on friends now.

I do not know why I want to be so negative in this blog now, because originally I intends to praise my new friends. One friend especially deserves mentioning: a girl from my dance group. She embodies almost all virtues I value much, and she just treated me with a lunch. Also, another crazy girl in the group. We just played around so much that I was no longer sexualized with her. Another male friend is the one of the two persons who actually know the reason of my Hangzhou trip (besides my blog readers).

I called home yesterday. My parents just purchased a new apartment. It costs a fortune, but it all worths it. My dad told me one reason is to have face among his colleagues, and I was quite touched by his honesty. I know it was hard for him to tell me (or everyone else) about this "shameful" reason, and I am happy that he began to treat me as an adult now. Thanks, dad. I chipped in some money to help them out. But I know more importantly, they can earn faces by telling friends and relatives that "our son gave us money from the US to buy the apartment." This is quite laughable, but it comforts me just by imagining their happiness of saying that.

Also, I accidentally read an English blog of a friend. She used to have a blog of Chinese, and I read that blog regularly. The Chinese blog is just too neat: every emotion is processed and thought through, and each entry could be a text-book essay. Every time I read it, I had to wonder, what is she REALLY thinking about? Obviously, I am a bigger fan of her English blog, because I can just take the words and sentence as they are. I guess that's also the reason why I keep an English blog. It is just now sincere I want to be while blogging, and I do not want to my native language to mess it up with all its subtlety, nuance and weird connotations. Sometimes, knowing less and knowing more.

Now it is time to paint the chair. I started two weeks ago, and now it is time to finish it!

Amazing run around West Lake

I had a great run around West Lake two days ago. It took me one hour. I estimated it was about 1/4 - 1/3 of a marathon. Maybe I should shoot for half a marathon next time? I did not feel too tired because of all the attention I got on the road. I guess that's why I also love stage performance. Keep it on.

My friend (XXYY)

(Written on Feb 16, and revised on Feb 20)

I know I will write about her some day. I wanted to when I was in China last month, but after I came back to the states, I gave up the motivation. It is just hard to write about her when physically far away. A sense of detachment never works to my favor. However, now I am back in China again. Currently typing in a Youth Hostel in Hangzhou, waiting for Zexum to show up. I think I should pick up this thread yet again, although not sure how good a job I can do for now.

XXYY is a skinny skinny girl. Skinny is usually a word for physicality, but for her, it is also of her personality. She was lovely when we were in high school together. She stood out in an unconventional way. In school, usually good students are also popular. She is not a good student, but she manages to be popular. She is extremely intelligent and well-versed. Has a quick wit, only for social interaction, not for academic studies. Somehow, academic studies are just not good enough for her. I used to be one of the kids who want her attention to. Because for me, her approval indicates that I am not a nerd after all, and proving that was very important to me.

But her smartness is probably wasted. Not because that she does not study hard, but because her smartness is used mostly to fend off others’ abuse and bullying. (I realize this point after I was much old). People like to make fun of her, just because she is so smart and always protects herself well. Nobody really understood her back that time. I was also one of them who like to make fun of her, as if she is the perfect girl to practice flirting with. Now I realize that we actually made some injuries to her that probably she herself never realized how bad those wounds are.

Anyway, those wounds do not manifest themselves in any obvious ways. Maybe I am just so sensitive that I create some dramas out of nothing. But here is my theory, right or wrong. XXYY is insecure underneath her impenetrable shell. That’s why I found that her skinniness is also part of her personality: a person suffers quite much that all the suffering manifest itself on the exterior, and sadly, nobody understands that suffering.

I do not know why I should be that sentimental. After all, that kind of story happens every day in China: a young soul got smothered by good-willed or bad-willed friends. However, I felt bad about it because I, and my friends, used to take advantage of her, mostly out of senseless joy. I quite regretted that now, and I am sorry. And I know I should let nobody know about this regret, as it would only show how condescending I am now.

All my feelings aside, here are some facts (By the way, I am quite proud that I am one of the few who really understand her, know where she get to today and concerned about where she is heading. But I regret that this understanding comes too late). I attended her wedding last month. I arrived late, and she was busy tending different guests. She looked exhausted, as she should. After guests began to leaving, a bunch of core friends still stayed. Friends made fun and told jokes, most of them not even funny and most of them were quite gross. She dealt with them well and appropriately, just as she did back in high school. A daring girl, no boys could get an up-hand over her. The scene reminded me how she was treated by friends back in high school. I used to think she enjoyed it, but obviously she was not.

After a fun-less half hour, I was about to leave. She accompanied me to the elevator, and we hugged. She suddenly cried, as if she finally got an outlet from those bullying. My hands held her bony back, feeling bad. Without masks, she was just a little girl crying in other people’s arms. And I guess that she really needs this kind of break, finding a safe place to cry. I am very happy that I was that safe place that night, as if it could redeem me from my insensitive treatment of a great friend back in high school. A great friend? I want to say so, or at least want to think that way.

In any account, this blog is strange. I do not really have pity or feel condescending towards XXYY. But if you read this blog, I bet you will feel that way. And I am sorry if you do, because that’s not what I want to convey. Sometimes I feel sad about the reality, as some stupid people have all the attention and some great people are left forgotten. XXYY is a great person, but not a lot of people appreciate that. She is still proud of herself and never lose self-confidence, but one day, maybe she herself will forget her own greatness.

You may ask, how great she is? I do not know for other people, but for me, she probably changed my life trajectory for ever. She was free, unconventional and love literature. That was part of the package that convinced me to switch from science to liberal arts, joining the literature club, went to people’s university of China for sociology, and finally landed in another country and still loved the arts so much. Among all my 26 friends in my blog, XXYY was the one that I interacted with the least. However, Every time when I came to China, I wanted to see how she was doing. Because deep down, I seemed to understand, knowing her is also about knowing myself. And so far, getting to know her is quite a fun and amazing journey.

a meal on Songhua

I helped a grocery store run, so my friends dedicated this meal to me. "On Songhua" is a pun here! 

Hongkong and Hangzhou

I went to Hongkong for the job interview. I have to say that I was an instant hit in Hongkong. I was especially good in the Q&A session, as I nailed all the questions but still paid respects to those professors, some of which were smart while others were not. I got the job, though I was really not sure whether I should go.

On a related story, I saw AlphaBBQ again in Hongkong. We went to watch a dance show together. It was quite amazing. Here are some words I wrote down after I went back to the hotle.

******

I think I have something to say to the blogs. Now I am in hongkong again, having this stupid job talk. I got this job (of course!), but do I really going to take it? Anyway, let’s not think about it right now.

I just watched the Cloud Gate Dance Troupe’s performance. I do not know how to describe how I liked it. The pieces are almost perfect in its own way, but I feel something is not right. It is just too well planned in small details that I do not get the whole point of the pieces.

Anyway, that’s not really important tonight. I saw Alphabbq again tonight, one month after our last encounter. I treated her the dance tickets and she treated me a late dinner. She looked tired, and I find my words were not able to cheer her up too much. I think I am not doing too well recently either. Many responsibilities I have taken this year have taken a toll on me, and I am just hanging on, trying so hard to be a "perfect" person. I guess everyone has those hard times, and she probably needs some good sleep. I am a little worried about her losing sleep, because when I am stressed out, sleeping is usually the first indication.

After I said goodbye to her in the train station, I felt sad. (Strange that I did not feel that way last time. For some reasons, I sorta know that I will come to Hongkong soon again. Not this time though). I was on the train, flipping over some sad coldplay songs on my ipod. I know I get into this emotional slump. Tomorrow is totally unknown, and every goodbye of today is just sad sad sad. Sometime I hope I can just break down one day, to really sort through my thoughts, to throw away those unnecessary burdens, and to emerge as a person with no history.

I am being stupid here. But hey, it is my blog, and I say whatever I want. Strange thing is: After I wrote it out, I am no longer sure whether it was what I intended to wrote to begin with. But what the heck!

****************

Now it is back to Feb 20, and I just read her blog about the same event. I always think her blogs are better in presenting the facts, as mine tends to be analytical so that the facts are actually distorted. Anyway, I have been reading her blogs quite closely. But the strange thing is: when I met her, I pretended that I was not reading her blogs. For example, I pretended not knowing her new hair style, although she posted the photos early on. I still do not know why. Maybe unconsciously, I regard reading a blog is equal to stalking a person, and I am not fond of admitting that.

Finally, there is this photo of "sogo". Every time I met Alphabbq, we would pass that same logo for some reason. In January, we met for two days, for each day I remembered the logo. On a third, when I was wandering in Hongkong at night alone, I passed it again. I took a picture of it, thinking whether I should ask her out for a walk again. I eventually refrained from that and chose to visit several museums by myself. This time we saw it again, and finally I realized that it is at the entrance of the train station, where we usually departed. No wonder! Now this photo seems to have more meanings for me: not only a location we passed together, but also an emotion of "goodbye".

Thanks for her wish of "good-luck", I did have a great time in Hangzhou. During my time in Hongkong, I felt this long distant relationship had taken a toll on me and my confidence got eroded quickly. However, meeting Zexum in person reassured me that it would be a huge pity if I missed this good girl. We had a most civil discussion about our relationship and I was assured that we were on the same page. We finally held hand the moment before I hopped on the bus, a moment I only wish happened earlier. Both of us have some decisions to make, and I am still not 100 percent sure. However, I am very optimistic now. I am going to call her in a minute.

Catching up

Wow, it has been a while since last time I blogged. Here are some catch-ups.

I finally had my dance debut. After the performance, I sent out this email to my dancers to explain my piece.

*****************
Hi, that's my last "Hi dancers" email. Thanks so much for being in mypiece and dance so well tonight!
You may have been wondering, "why is this piece called 'beans on thefloor'?" Well, it refers to a silly story during my childhood: When I wasabout 5 years old, I was very stubborn. One day my grandma handed me abowl of breen beans and I was happy eating. However, one bean was droppedon the floor. I asked my grandma to find this ONE bean, but she couldn't.Who knows how far the bean had been rolling? I then cried andcried and cried, insisting on finding this bean. Eventually, my grandmasecretly took one bean from the big pot and shouted, "See, Songhua, I'vefound it!" I believed her and happily ate this one precious bean Which Ithought that attempted to escape me.
That's all about it. Now my grandma is very old, living in a seniorcenter back in hometown. I think I should pay some tribune to her, since Igrew up with her rather than my parents until I graduated from highschool. The idea: I love her as much as I loved the bean on the floor whenI was a kid. So this piece.
Best,
Songhua

Beaten

Life goes alternative days and years. One day you are up there floating and the other you get smashed on the ground like a flat pancake. Today I am the pancake, flatter than you can imagine.

It starts with an exhausted body after yesterday's performance and a realization that I might be done with dancing or anything related with the youth. Also, I really a long-distance relationship (though not really started) might not good for me in the end. I did really bad in spanish class, as I did not really get what's going on there. Then I practiced my job talk and realized that it needed quite some work. I went to an oral communication tutor, and I thought that I did badly there. Then I got a call from the consulting company: I was kicked off in the second round. I know I did not do too well in the interview, but hard facts are always hard to swallow. Now swallow my own pride and realize that I am just one of the little guys on the street with only a crappy life story to tell.

This may sound crazy. But when I am in a down day, I can't help suspecting whether spending the past six years here is actually a mistake and a big waste of time. I really hope not, but this thought just sneaks in when my mind is in the most vulnerable stage. When it occurs, I feel helpless. I know the exact reasons why my life needs a change and almost see when it is going to happen, but I feel I am running out of the tricks of "how".

I need to put myself together before tomorrow though, because I have another practice job talk coming up. Well, doing well there would be crucial, because I constantly need those small successes to remind my worth to myself anyway. I hope I wouldn't be a piece of shit tomorrow.

write something

Well, I have to say I am uninspired to write my blogs recently. There are just not enough twists and turns recently to grant an interesting blog entry.

I have a performance coming up tomorrow evening. My swan song at Stanford. I have a piece called "beans on the floor", my tribune to my dear grandma before she would pass away. I really think it is a good piece.

Still not hear from the consulting firm yet. Get a little restless, even though I did not intend to go consulting to begin with. I guess it is my self-esteem that is at fault. I always think that if I try, I should succeed. It is all about what I can do, and I want to show the world of my ability. I want to be able to say, "see, I am capable of all these things, but I choose to do XXX, so please respect my choice!"

One of my high school friend is visiting me in the past several days. It is sorta awkward, because I do not have a lot of time for him. Well, I guess he still has some fun and gets to know my life in the US as it is.

Busy, busy, busy, that is the theme of the year so far. I have a very busy Saturday today, and now my eyes just want to shut, so go to bed.

a first job interview

Well, life is a box of chocolate, and you never know what's going to happen next. I have been doing well for a while. The most drastic change is that I force myself to go to bed before or around 12am and get up around 8am. It has been helping lift my daily mood tremendously. Last night was one small exception, because my downstairs neighbor has a sharp laughing sound that is able to penetrate my floor. So I got up late.

I went to spanish class first. I have been studying spanish a lot recently, and think that I have begun to get the trick rolling. Now when I try to read spanish aloud, I feel like I am reading in spanish rather than faking some weird sound. Then I went to the dance class. I had a good workout there. When I looked at myself in the mirrow of the studio, I really saw a dancer, confident and calm, focused and smiling. Tomorrow Martha Graham company has a master class and I think I am going to take it.

Then I did some boring work in the library, mostly photocopying. I did a run after. It is rare that I run in two consecutive days. It means I am in a very good shape these days. Couldn't feel better. Then I went to a dinner. I think they invited me by mistake. But hey, the food is nice, and I just sit in the corner, smiling all the time when listening to other people's conversation. Mmmmm, Jamaican chicken....

Then I got an email, inviting me to my first job talk interview in hongkong. Well, I am not really excited about that job, but I am excited about the fact that it is my first job talk. It is part of the game of being in academia. I am a good sport and will play it to my best. Besides, I get a chance to be back in China again. Maybe I will finally finish up my 26 blogs about friends (still need W, X and Y) in China. In another note, I have an interview with a consulting company too. Next Tuesday. It just makes me happy because I have many options now. It feels like a king.

Ok, it is 11:50pm. And I need to obey my own rules to go to bed now. Maybe tomorrow morning I should practice some piano. Ha.

A dump day

Today is one of the crappiest day in a while. Here is how it went. I thought I would get up around 8am, but I slept until 10am. Then wasted some time online. Came down for breakfast and then came back to my room. Read some magazines. It was lunch time, so I ate some leftover. Kept wasting time after lunch. Until 3pm. Went to a friend's place to get a video camera. Went to the gym to choreograph my dance piece, which is due tomorrow 6pm. I found I was in a historical low in dancing, and my creativity was totally clogged. When I watched the video of last quarter, I was quite good. But I am no good any more. Very frustrated.
On the way back, I began to yell at myself (it helped that the homework for the voice class is to yell at something. So you can say that I am doing my homework. But I think I was really yelling at myself). Now there are still 5 hours to go before today is over, and I just took a nice shower. I hope that the rest of the day will be better. I guess I will call Zexum in an hour.

A short one (What's the point?)

I do not know how typical it is for human beings. But for me, once a while, I would ask myself, what's the point of studying spanish, what's the point of taking dance classes, what's the point of managing this co-op house, what's the point of blogging about the friends and rediscovering all those amazing memories, what's the point of trying to have a long-distant relationship, what's the point of loving some music while dislike others? The list could go on and on, and I often find myself being trapped in this line of travial questioning without a clear answer.

I think I need to believe something that is outside of rational deduction realm. Otherwise, i would be without an exception depressed by the prospect of human life. Everything is in vain, and it is great if you never realize that, but it is depressing if you do. And this depression would never go away if you are already a thinker. You just keep fighting with it, and hopefully you will get yourself on top on some days. But then again, what's the point?

Well, I do not know. I feel I have some problems in adapting myself back to the life in school after I had a great vacation in China, and I will get through this one, I believe, soon.

My friend (Alphabbq)

I have to write this one down for now, because if I wait until tomorrow (well, it is actually today, because It has passed midnight) to read Alphabbq’s blog, it is definitely going to change what I want to say about her.

How should I start? I do not know. Meeting her in this city is so random. I went to Tianjin to her Talldeep, and then got a phone number of a friend, and then I called the friend and got Alphabbq’s phone number. Then I came to this city and now saw her for the first time in 5 and a half years. It is quite amazing that we still meet each other after such a long time. Thinking back, I was never a good friend of her before, except that we were in the drama club together, and except that she helped me land a part-time job in CCTV.

If everyone can be described as an object, her object will be a piece of crystal glass. For three reasons. One, glass is transparent. Second, glass reflects whatever it takes in and is not judgmental. And third, crystal glass is fragile.

I hung out with her for two days in the city with her. I had a lot of fun, and never felt bored when we were together. And I also realized that I have known so much of her already in these two days. Sometimes I feel I had a hard time to communicate with people. One type of people do not like to talk at all, so what can I do? The other type like to talk a lot, but they are talking about their theories, their ideas, their rational thoughts about the world. And I hate this kind of boring conversation very much.

Alphabbq is different. She would think of some random experiences and then just say it out. She never judged whatever I say or whatever I do, so I feel liberated to tell her everything. For example, she is the first person to whom I talked about my two failed pursuit of Asian-American girls and my recent love interest of Zexum (Of course, through emails I have told a couple of my good friends. But in person-to-person interactions, Alphabbq really put me at ease). I also told her my past confusion about whether I am homosexual and showed her how I turned 360 degrees around the pole on the train, and I did not feel embarrassed. Being with her reminded me that I was such a kid indeed. In fact, these two days reminded me the time I spent with my one and only girlfriend 7 years ago (In Beijing, when I met with that girl, even she could not remind me the past golden time, because both she and I have changed so much). I was about to tell Alphabbq that, but when I asked her about her boyfriend problem, she seemed to be a little defensive. So I just let it pass to avoid any misunderstandings. But in case she will read my blog, then she will know, and I believe that she will just take it as its face value and do not judge what I mean here.

When we entered a music store tonight, I immediately realized that she loves music. She could stay in front of one CD station for a long time, just to sample different music. So I got a gift idea for her. I bought her a CD of “X&Y” by Coldplay. I never really liked Coldplay’s this third album. But these two days, when I took the train to meet her, my ipod without an exception played the band’s first two albums, which I liked very much. So I know the gift has to be Coldplay’s. But the music store does not seem to have these two albums, so I got “X&Y”. I think she was happy when she got my gift. After hugging her goodbye in the train station, I played “X&Y” all the way back. Actually, it IS a decent album. Well, I guess sometimes I like things not just because these things are of the highest artistic quality, but also because these items represent a connection to my friends.

Fragile? What do I mean here? Well, I am not really sure myself. I told her that I liked to learn to tell fates by looking at people’s faces. Most of times, I would be quite sure what kind of life people would lead, even if later my judgment turned out to be wrong. But Alphabbq’s fate seems to be a big “Depends”. Her personality is very precious and very utopian. When I talked to her, I felt that I am beyond the secular life and I enjoyed the feeling very much. But at the same time, I also understand that this personality is not very adaptable to the real world. I guess that’s what I mean by fragile. If she has a large group of friends that appreciated her style as a supportive network, she will be doing great in the future. Still idealistic, never compromise and making great documentaries. However, if the people around her turned out to be some stupid secular persons (I hate these people, as these people make me feel inadequate while wasting my time to adjust according to them), then she would have a hard time too.

Well, these two days are amazing. Alphabbq and I definitely had a connection, because we could understand each other just like two friends who have already known each other for a long long time. Sometimes I feel the connection got a little bit intimate. And I guess I really want to be part of her supportive network, and she will be mine too. And I guess I will put her blog under my bookmark link so that I can get her updates once a while.

And besides, crystal glass is the best metaphor I had for my friends. Nothing could fit her any better. And now, when I am ready to sleep, I cannot wait until tomorrow to read how she described our meetings in her blog. Good night.