LA trip

So I did not keep my words of posting more in the past week. A lot has happened in the past 15 days or so. Let me do a little recap. Things will be brief, and I will try to put facts rather than thoughts.
I talked to Emily about my frustration about the whole thing with the girl, and I does feel much better afterwards. Emily is such a nice girl. I gave her a Christmas gift "Five People You meet in Heaven". This book accompanied me when I felt frustrated, and I hope she would enjoyed it too.
I got a climbing shoes from craigslist for 20 bucks while taking a trip to SF with Victor faimly.
I then went to LA for Christmas. I had a really good time, probably the best trip ever. My friend anna and her husband treated me well, and I did not feel the pressure of being a guest. I envied their relationship, because they are so happy together. I hope I can find a girl like anna too, always being understanding, kind and well-grounded. Have a good life, buddies. My favorite moment is the discussion about how to make less splash while dumping in the toilet. It just fulfilled my dream of being naughty. The second one is stealing the little magnet from Universal shop. It fulfilled my dream of being bad, at least for an insignificant while.
I came back with Zomara, a nice and big girl. We had a nice conversation before listening to the national story project (audio book). This trip is quite an experience for me. Tomorrow I am going to pick up Chuan-Mei. Weird, when I do less academic work, I am happier. Maybe I am bound to do something else? What do you think?
I went to SF with Xiaobin to buy a car. It was a scam, and I think I figured it all out at the very beginning when the milage does not match, but I handled well to push things forward while not making other friend embarrassed for their poor judgment. I think I am really growing up.
I am going to crash at Victor's place tomorrow, because Chuan-Mei is back. I have not get any gift for her yet. Maybe 4 trips to airport are enough. I think so.Ha.

I have to post a second message

yeah, I have to. I did some thinkings this afternoon, and half way through the book of "five people you meet in the heaven". I am not sure I will change my atheism belief ever, since it is just over naive to explain everything mysterious into a almighty god. But I does feel life is so full of mystery that I gave up on my rationality to explain them all.
I jogged today. I felt every step I hit on the ground, it took with my energy, as if I have so much emotions that I just gave them all back to the earth. And I did not feel as tired. To the end, I even have a feeling that how good it is to just keep running since you would not be bothered by everything except your heavy breath. Do not mistake this note as my frustration of love. Not at all, or at least it is not how I think I feel. It is just a burst of energy that could carry me for a while.
But I does have a dirty little secret now. I was in a meeting this morning, so I turned off my cellphone and totally forgot to turn it on this afternoon. Then the girl called and had to leave a message. I heard it later afternoon, and suddenly had a strange idea of not erasing it. No, I am not perverted so something, not at all. I just want to have something external that really recorded what I went through this quarter, and I even doubt I would ever listen to it again. It is just my idealistic version of story: there has to be something as prove that we have lived. Strange, isn't it, but it is me. And no more denial to my version of world, which is distorted by my ideas and rationality, but it worths talking about, isn't it?

So here you go again

There are certain things I can just not say to her, aren't there? Yes, I guess it right. I have lunch with the girl, and it turns out to be a great conversation. But still there are things hidden. No, no, not that I still like her. After several months of not seeing, i am not sure if the feelings are still there. Admittedly, I am nervous before seeing her today, but it is more like the nervousness before a job interview, not that you are in love with the job. You know what I mean? I sorta of worry the way she would treat me, a weird sketchy graduate student or an old friend.
The latter, it turns out. I appreciate that very much. Although I was upsetted by her because she missed some proposed meetings, who cares if anyway when time passes by. And I thought I would like her to know my life this quarter, including my therapy or stress, but I chose not. I do not know why, but that's just the taboo that I would not be able to talk to her, probably forever. That's the price I am paying, and indeed, it is sad that I lost a friend. Not that I will talk to her about my life without the incidence. It is just that now even the option is gone. Maybe for good, saving her a stupid sensitive talk from a male.
But I means, ain't I happy these days? I am relaxed and self-motivating, doing my own things and rebuilding my self-esteem. Now even the uncertainty caused by the girl is gone. If life could be even better, show me please. Otherwise, I will take this naive belief that I am on top of my cycles.
And take it easy, buddy.

Hi, the first several days of nothing to do

Hi, buddy, I want to know life still, do you?
Here I am again, joyfully experiencing some good moments of my life. Spent a bunch of money, which makes me happy. I have got most of Christmas presents for all my friends. I think they are all good. Oh, I mean the presents, but friends too of course.
I am finally taking on the LA trip, and the decision makes me feeling I am in control again. I do not know where I will visit or my complete itenary, but it will be blast.
I am taking protein now. I have been rejecting the idea for a while, although I know some friends are taking them. Now I am like: hey, the worst season of writing is over, why not trying something new. It might be ineffective to gain weight, but there is no harm.
But I am unhappy about one thing. I am not disclose it here, since it involve a friend at my university who is in trouble right now. I have believed he's gonna fail anyway, but what annoyed me is that nobody seems to care anymore. Anyone is caring there own business. Even when they help, it is because they can feel they have the power. I do not think they give a shit about the person who is struggling and how he feels. Damn, I do hate the world, which consists of selfish bastards.

Forgotten

Ok, I have not written in the blog for a while. Sorry, if you are waiting day and night just to see piece of thoughts from me. And I feel sorry for you, but thank you.
I just finished a god-damned paper. I hate the process of writing a paper, but like the feeling whern it is done.
Tomorrow I am going to shop in GNC and the rest will be history. And safeway too. Tomorrow should be do nothing day. Or do little day.
I am going to continue to write something here in the coming days.

Avenue Q

My current favorite CD. It is so witty and sleasy. There is one song called "it sucks to be me". I love it.
So it sucks to be me right now, or to be a single international during Thanksgiving holiday in the US. Everybody is leaving, so the campus is left behind to face the cold weather alone. I am doing some work tonight at the department. Tomorrow I might do nothing, or do some work too. I might hang out with the dormmates who are left behind too. I am also heading to Victor's place tomorrow, with Edward.
I hope I can roughly finish the paper by next week. So, buddy, go back to work.

So after a good weekend

When my schedule is packed, I am agonizing before the work and feeling happy afterwards. Weird.
I cut my hair almost by myself yesterday. it is actually quite easy. Now I have the tool in my room, so I can cut my hair three times a day!
I know what I will eat for lunch tomorrow. Looking forward.

big game and closer

As if I really care, Stanford lost the Big Game this year.
I watched a great show tonight: "closer". This means I did not do my work tonight. Did not feel guilty at all. The show is THAT good!

Why should I care?

Hi, if you are still reading my blog, it means you are my good friend. I took down the link towards my blog a while ago. So you can no longer randomly get to my homepage and click to the blog. Even if you search on google "songhua's blog", you can no longer find it. Sign, as if anyone cares anyway......
I was upset a little bid today. Thank you, Emily and Victor, to be always so supportive. But it doesn not seem anything can beat me down for long. Today I did my best work in Coho. Actually, there was a free rock concert going on when I did my work. It is a good event. The sound from the speakers almost made the table shaking. And I love it. It does not hurt, of course, the band sang good songs.
An event-hitory model really gave me great results. I think I am going to propos a new theory of what communist party is about. Not a party of worker or a party of intellectual, but a party of powerful that used it as a tool to maintain the control. I have quantitative results to back my argument. I think this paper could be path-breaking. Hehe.
Of course, it does not hurt that I overheard that my advisor is quite satisfied with my progress in Ph.D. degree study. A big boost to my ego too.
I have to admit that this year is my most eventual year at Stanford.

Ups and Downs

You know, it might just be ok to go ups and downs. I should have therapy today, but she is sick. Sort of upset, but not really. I mean, I do not have too much to tell about my week anyway.
This afternoon I got the letter from my home. Normal things, like how proud they are with me, new events happening in the household, warning of over physical exercise, looking for a girl for me, stuff like that. I do not really care what is in the letter. They do not understand anyway. But isn't it neat to get a letter from home. When Victor asked whose letter is it, I felt proud. It is MY MOM!
I think my awareness of self-esteem is working. For example, I had several bad rehearsal recently. I attempted to blame me. But in a rational thinking, why should it be my fault?
And I win Cilker Teaching Award this year! Such a ego booster. I thought I would get it last year since I TAed for so many classes and really felt I did a great job, at least most of the time. But I was not awarded. This year I do not even think about the award except the moment when I nominated Victor, but then I got it. I am excited. Not for the financial aid, but for a benchmark that I have right now to say,"Hey, I am doing pretty good"!
That's it for today. These days the only concern I have is that my dissertation is sorta go slow. Otherwise, life is perfect. Oh, and tomorrow!

Pumpkin. From Justice too. 

Basketball. From my little friend 2-year-old Justice!  

Half Moon Bay

I was at the beach today. A great day indeed. I did some readings at the beach, overseeing the sea wave pumping the shore and birds flying over my head. People walked through the sand, matched by the outlaying of one and one more footprint that created strange but beautiful lines on the sand. A picture indeed, and I finished listening to Caroline Myss' audio book on self-esteem. Some of her comments and answers really annoyed me, but the questions raised by her is much legit and apply to me somewhat.
I ran on the beach and then got some blackberry as the reward of the day. Feeling invigorated, I went to the FARM meeting and I felt I am much alive in the meeting too. You know, self-perception has an importance that I finally realized to face bravely.
And now I only worry about how efficient I could do my work after this personal growth. By the way, I am going to have lunch with the girl next Thursday (Finally!). I do not know what to say, so I just do not plan fo ranything. I hope the conversation will turn out to ok, though I doubt a bad conversation would have much impact on me right now any way. I think I still like her, but if she is not available, there is nothing I can do about it. Let it be, then.
By the way, I had a really productive night at Coho. Sometimes having a day free recharges my biological battery.

sharing

I share my piece on my family (see my last post) during the dance rehearsal tonight. Life is taking risks. and I am happy I am sharing it. It is not at all embarrassing. It is just my self saying who I am.
Then I took part of the happy hour. The whole hour. It is not hard to talk to people either. I am enjoying myself today.

What's new?

Not much new.
But I wrote a piece for the homework for Hope's dance. I do not know why she wanted us to write something that we always wanted, or did not want, or wanted but found useless after getting it. But I trust her. And I wrote the piece about my family.
It is attached.

Hiding and running away from my family

I’ve always wanted to run far away from my family. I could not remember when the whole thoughts started, but very early I guess, even before I could systematically put it into clear thoughts in words like this.

How do I describe my family? It is hard to use English to describe my Chinese family. It is unfair for them, but now I have the pen. So I am going to have a try anyway. The closest words I can get is “depressive” and “negative”, of course, without the stigma usually attached to these words. I had constant urges to argue with my parents and grandparents, but I felt I was powerless in the family hierarchy transitional to Chinese family. So most time I would keep silent, pretend to be cool, not care, and sink myself into my own imaginary world that I wouldn’t be hurt by those feelings. Sometimes I would wander on the street on my bicycle aimlessly rather than staying at home, since home is not only a boring place, but also alienating. I wanted to hide from them, being invisible so that I could be free to do all the things without their scrutiny. In terms of what I really want to do? I do not know, but I firmly believed it would be a better world then the one I currently attempted to hide from.

However, since it is a small town, my parents tried to know how I am doing in schools. Hiding from them becomes my games. It is burdensome, but I was happy whenever I achieved to hide some insignificant events from them, such as like a trip with my friends, some pen pals I have, or so-called “secret girlfriend”. I even wrote a letter addressed to my parents to address these issues, only to toss it in the end, thinking it ridiculously stupid.

I finally had my chance. My parents wanted me to go to a college near home, but I went to a far away place instead. Freedom! I acclaimed it all the way, all the way then to a country across the Pacific Ocean. I tried hard to discard my past but focus on the future, as if it was a happy past and as if I had a happy family.

All the way, until I hit a bottom. I got into some trouble with anxiety and low self-esteem. I sought professional help. With my therapist, I talked about my family, probably the first time in an unbiased way. No longer running away from this touchy topic, no longer hiding under a constructed past that I put a bunch of happy spice. For reasons unexplainable to my logic, I reached a compromise with my family. They are not perfect, but they are MINE. I do not want to blame them for anything, and I do not want to hide any more.

So I called them. I called them every week, but for the first time, I felt happiness for hearing their voice. For a millisecond, I also felt my eyes were a little wet. They are imperfect human beings, just like me. Besides, they are my parents. They have their own problems, but that’s no reason for me to hide from. I also wrote them a letter, my first hand-written letter after I was hooked with the convenience of emails. I told them my life, even the smallest details, like how much I jog and what dance piece I was rehearsing, along with a bunch of photos recording my happy moments at Stanford.

They must be surprised. My letter probably brought even happiness to their post-retirement life since they would be able to show off a letter from their son who is currently in the US to their neighbors. They told me they also sent me a letter, which is still on the way towards my mailbox.

When I started this writing, I thought I would have a stronger ending. An ending where all issues would have a solution, just like a typical Hollywood movie. But I simply couldn’t. I am still not close to my family, physically or emotionally. I do not believe I will be in the near future. We just have too much difference. But one thing for sure: I am not running away and hiding any more. I want them to know me. They may be proud of some part of me, or disagree with other parts. But if it is the real me, I could see their happiness.

My hair is now 1 centimeter long, and I went to a motorcycle show

Should've test-drive the Toyota Tacoma, since I am already a proud toyota owner:-)

I red a self-help book today. Quite cliche, but makes sense nonetheless. Especially for building self-esteem.

running the stanford golf course

Gone to career development center for some advice

It is the beginning of something

Do you ever feel that you begin to put yourself together piece by piece? And isn't it great?
Today is my therapy day. I felt all great the whole week except last night and this morning when I cannot get over the election stuff. Anyway, I talked about my self-esteem issue. (You see, the whole therapy takes some surprising turns towards some long-term issues I have). And then tonight I went to Donovon's workshop on relationship.
It may sound stupid to my dear readers, but really, taking about these issues isn't that hard. I hate the days when I was in a shell, and love the highs those talkings get me. It is the beginning of something, I believe. More openness, and I hope I am as free as the one on the dance floor.
Anyway, today's new thing: the relationship workshop. Thank you, Donovon.

Watch TV the whole night: it's the fault of democracy

Here I want to propose a question: If 51% of the population is stupid, does the democratic country have an chance to avoid a potential stupid future? That is a fact I have to concede after watching TV the whole night, and that's why Bush won the election.
personally, I really do not care about the hot issues such as the economy, health care, education and war against terrarism. However, I care about gay rights and women's choice of having a children. I saw so many of my friends were disappointed and sad, and it made a sad day for me too. It is also sort of frustrating since I feel I have nothing to do with it.
Damn.

Does getting a cool sunglass count? I guess!

Ok, I have to confess that I have not much to say these days. Probably you've already noticed that if you paid attention to the length of my each post.
I have nothing to say because my mind is clear and focused. It is amazing that there is no down time in the past six days, and the only thing that keeps me on the edge is trying to figure out a new thing to do each day. but no pressure whatsoever, since buying a new sunglass counts according to my standard. Hehe.
I think I began to get the essence of dance these days. Clarity and internal feelings are more important than fanciness and exagguration. I used to feel free when I jump, and now I started to feel free even when I stand still. I think I am getting closer to the thing.
Today is the presidential election days. I feel that I am also emotionally invested in Kerry's bid in White House. Strange, since US politics does not matter too much to me rationally. But since a lot of my friends support him, it just draws me into it. Now I seem to be convinced by Victor that Kerry will win. Actually, in my last night dream, he did win. Oh, stupid political dreams!

in halloween costume contest

But the Fandango lady won! She conducted the last piece of music.

two days

Friday: I ccoked a pecan pie
Saturday: I explored Sasolido, rich town indeed.

New thing of the day

I climbed the wall in the climbing gym today

New things

Today I feel good, although this past weekend is a little downer. Hard to explain though. I think I should break some daily routines to fire up my life a little bit. So that's my new resolution. I will try to a new thing each day, out of habit.
So today I ran with the running club. What's for tomorrow? You guess!

It is saturday!

Hi, I do not really feel the urge to write something on the blog right now, but writing is an interesting thing though. You just get sucked in only after you start.
Anyway, I mailed out a letter to my family, along with a bunch of photos they have never seen before. I feel good. The letter is nothing like trying to educate them into the alignment with my thoughts. Rather, I put only facts in: where I live, how my friends are like, what my daily schedule is, etc. I feel I have grown up. A better understand and a deeper sympathy began to emerge, which counterbalance my anger and frustration towards them. But disregard my feelings, making them happier seems a rational thing to do anyway.
One of my friends has get sick recently. He is struggling with both physical and mental difficulties. After my own episode of problem, I totally sympathize the whole thing he is facing. During our conversation, I can see his self-defense system will kick in here and there, acoiding others to notice his feelings. I know it is easy to say and hard to do, but I really hope he would one day take it easy and be more open about it.
My feet were hurt yesterday during the dance rehearsal, so I have to skip my Saturday noon jogging today.
I think I would do some readings this afternoon and then go for a safeway trip. I will then go to my friend's place to have dinner. What a beautiful day.
Oh, by the way, as I told one friend through email, these days I am in my healthiest mental conditions since I came to the States. Man, I am still a little surprised that I can escape this one unscratched, which seemed so impossible just weeks ago.

WOW

Wow, today is a great day. Let me recount:
I finally began to claim back some morning time starting from this morning. I am able to hop off the bed by 8:40am. way to go though.
Then I went to my therapist at 10, and went to my office at 11am. Skipping the lunch with Victor (He seems extremely busy these day. This makes it difficult to talk to him. I guess I will visit his house this weekend), then I took my dance class. A 4-mile run afterwards, and then wrote down something in my "fighting depression" note, and then went to a talk by chair of 9-11 commitionor. Big name indeed, and a lot of protesters. I got a fake 9-11 dolar bill at the gate. I then went to my first dance rehearsal with Hope. I liked her dance material and personality immediately. I think that will turn out to be a great dance rehearsal. Then I biked back, and saw an event. I suddenly remember it is Amy Tan. I stopped in and caught the last 5 minute of Q&A, and the bought the book and got her signature. I red the first 100 pages in the last two hours.
I totally liked her book, mostly because of the new perspectively I recently gained. I saw more legacy from my family, for good or bad. And she too. She has an amazing way to reorganize what happened to be happy. She hope of a depression-free family resonated with mine, although I have not reached her level of acceptance.
And now I know why I called my grandma as "Nyah-Nyah". It means grandma in Shanghaiese, according to Amy Tan. And my Nyah-Nyah stayed in Shanghai fro about 20 years.
Indeed, all the anti-depressant released from my brain becuase of dance and running make me high in some way. I like that feeling a lot. It makes me feel undefeatedness. However, I was defeated just several weeks ago. How strange the life can swing one side one day, and then a wide other side the next.

I know it would come someday....

Yeah, I know I would bump into her some day on campus randomly, but I did not expect it was coming so soon.
I saw her in the library when I was about to walk out. At the first sight I saw her, I felt a shock wave from the center of my body towards peripherals. It was as if a minor heart attack (though I did not know what heart attack really like), except this one is benign. I tried to caml down, probably successfully, but I just wanted to get away as soon as I could.
Is it that strange? I think I would be acting normal in my imaginary random run-in with her, but it is not easy I swear. What I do not understand fully is the reason: it is because I still have strong feelings towards her despite my forceful denial of it? or is it just my continuing embarrassment of the last episode in which I still consider I made a fool out of myself? I do not have the answer yet, but who cares really. How we feel sometimes just cannot be explained. Now I only hope she would just take it easy.

Even more stupid

Oh, I do not know what the heck I was thinking when I typed in the title line, but I will just keep as it is.
I might go watch a movie tonight to celebrate a little. I also might go the the City this weekend. I am also looking forward to the coming retreat of Terra. It should be funfunfun. Of course, I also need to figure out a daily since suddenly I have extra 4-5 hours every day.
Need to renew my I-20 and passport. Such a hassle!

Almost finished

Yes, I mean my first draft of my dissertation prospectus! I have a strange feeling, since it was so unthinkable just 3 weeks before. Although i am still not so satisfied with some part of the reasoning and writing, I am quite happy with its general arguments. Am I smart or something?:-) Just kid, man.
Anyway, I am going to put the name of my therapist and Victor in my acknowledgement section with a special "thank-you". you know, I can finish this one because I do not want to disappoint you, and of course, myself.
Today the weather is cloudy and even rainy on and off. I like it a lot, because the weather is a lot like me.

It turns out......

that my sleep problem is only temporary. I was over reacting.
that I cannot finish my first draft by today, but I have no worry.
that everyone has their little things to be fixed, and I am not alone.
that I am thankful to my last two weeks, because finally I have something going on in life.

just a random post

Hi, how are you doing? I am doing just fine.
Now I am sitting in front of the dorm computer, while having a bagel with cheese and tea as my breakfest. Thinking that I have not wrote anything on the blog recently, so I better to do now.
I am cooking for my coop every Tuesday this quarter. This means today, I am gonna get my hands dirty in the kitchen.
I was overexcited yesterday because I felt I am gonna first my dissertation proposal every soon. Until yesterday or the day before, I finally found my own voice for narrative, in comparison to compiling all the previous research results. However, overexcitement has a price to pay. I lost some sleep last night, until I realized I should listen to some music. My favorite music is one of Coldplay CDs I got from CHina (I lost the other). Strange. It is rock music, but its function of helping with sleep is amazing. I am very easily to be drawn into the illusion created by all the beats.
Have a lot of things to do. I need to see my theratist tomorrow, so I'd better do some hard work tonight. But first I should go to the gym, since I am still feeling grudgy from last night's not-so-perfect sleep.

family

I called my parents yesterday. It seemed to be the first time I was truly happy to hear their voice over the phone since I came to the States. Maybe it is becaue I've begun to admit that I grew up in a quite dysfunctional family (especially according to American stardards), but this difficult admission reconnected me with them in an unexpected way. I feel that I begin to have a better understanding of them, who are not perfect but loving in their own way. They have their own problems, but they are nonetheless selfless towards me.
I think I am fine with them now. After a difficult time myself, a different perspective seems emerging.

Ok, I guess that's the last post on depression

So many posts on my depression these days. Even I myself have got tired.
But more importantly, I think that the worst days of my trouble are over because all the three major reasons that started my trouble have all been solved. Some in a non-perfect way, sadly, but it doesn't bring me down as much as all those early uncertainties that have troubled me.
Besides, I went to my best friends' place this afternoon. Sorry if I interruptted their afternoon, but I really appreciated their accommidation for a wandering soul. I felt warmth and lots of support. Thanks a lot.
I feel I recovered most of my self-confidence now. One major sign: though I did not stick with the break-down plan for dissertation writing, I am still confident that I am gonna make the deadline. Seems to be back in full control again.
So I guess I will stop mourning about my insignificant depression here any more (unless things get out of control as badly as early last week again, which I doubt they would). I want to thank all the people who show me support. You know, it is such a miracle that I happen to befriend with you. And thank you, blog, for being a silent friend who sucks in all my emotions and felling which sometimes resemble unsorted stuff in trash bins. And thank you, whose friendship I might lose forever due to my stupid actions the other days, for everything that you did for making me a better person.
Good-bye to the most memorable week at Stanford so far. And welcome back, kid.

Another day of ups and downs

I have one post earlier today, but found it to be too negative, so I save it as draft, hoping it would never see the light of the day.
Overall, today is not that bad. I felt relieved because something happened (or to be accurate, something did not happen). I was in such a bad mood, that I desperately need a movie to make me to lose myself for two hours. Unfortunately, the movie has started for 20 minutes when I arrived at the theoter. Oh, well, so just kick it, and I was back to starbucks. (I promise I will watch the movie in the future. After tonight, it somehow becomes a must-see).
I went negative to myself for a while. I wrote a lot in my "fight depression" note. But suddenly I realized everything is fine, and I can no longer find the reason of being so negative at the beginning (I still have not figured out what happens during the several transitional minutes).
Then I got a little excited, tilting my starbucks chair while thinking of how to leave positive note in this blog. Disaster struck. The floor was so slippery that my chair just overthrew me back first. I felt it quite funny, and it made my day. I left Starbucks with a high spirit today.

Actually

Actually yesterday turned out to be all right. I began to let some of my friends know my minor disorder, and I much appreciated their support. I also had an inspiring run of 4 miles before watching presidential debate and chat with my friends.
However, it is still up in the air what would be like the next day. Some day I just got up and do not want to see people or talk to people, often wishfully thinking that it would be all right by the middle of the day. It was most of the time, but now I started to do some morning stretch for 20 minutes just to keep myself feel grounded. This actually worked beautiful, by which i got rid of some compulsive behaviors. For example, I used to have to check my emails after I woke up, now it is optional. I think I am getting better.

Seems in trouble again today

So what's up today?

I actually recovered a little bit since yesterday. I now set up a light morning workout of 15 minutes in my bedroom. Just want to put myself together before I set out to see anyone. I mean, depression is now so real to me that I will have enough motivation to stick with it.
But I went to visit a professional anyway today. It was a great experience. I basically went through my feelings with the help of her (oh, let's call her "Marissa") questions. I realized that I am very angry about my family that raised me. I think they could do better. On the other hand, I also felt a little guilty since I did not do enough to help them.
We set up a weekly meeting, probably throughout this quarter. Some sort of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which I do not really understand, but will be more than happy to go for it.
The rest of the day, I am just doing great.
Moral lesson: depression is real. I am happy that I saught professional help before I sinked too deep into the hole. Be open. The therapy probably won't help much, I guess, but seeking for it will heal you half way.

oh no.......

I suspect I am suffering from a minor version of depression since I came back from China. I just realized it today. When I looked online about the sympton of depression, it fits quite well. What's more, I worried that the depression has been there for a while, only having got worse when I experienced a sudden change from China.
I may seek professional help tomorrow, but I will try to deal with it by myself today to see how it goes.
.....
A follow-up. I called medical center for an assessment appointment, and I am feeling better already. I guess I've denied the disorder for such a long time that just admitting it has a healing function. The appointment is tomorrow, and I will see how it goes.
By the way, the girl emailed me back today, and I feel a little happier.
......
Well, that is the third time I am updating this thread. And my mood swing like crazy in the meanwhile. The moment when "depression" came into my mind I hit the deep bottom, and now I am recovering. It does not mean it is a fake depression. No, it is as real as the keyboard in front of me. The difference is that now I know what I am up against.

I've miss you already, Beijing overseas seminar!

My mom and dad and my sister's baby daughter 

My first photo after dying my hair red 

another blog

I thought I would put the following thoughts in the previous blog, but then I decided to create a new thread in case people do not have the patience to plough through a extremely long blog.
I feel a little bit down since I came back. Two things bother me:
1. I feel my dissertation can be easily assembled right now. I have the theme, and I have red a lot of relevant literature. But am I just lazy or something? I just do not put any effort to try to put them together. By October 1st, I have to have something, I promise.
2. Maybe I feel in love again these days, but why the thoughts of it are so depressive? I hope it is just because the current stage of uncertainty. This girl makes me feel so comfortable to talk about myself. So intention or motivation to impress. I just want to tell her my family, my experience, my feeling, my everything...... and listen to her stories (or maybe I am still a good listener yet). I am still a little confused of what it is and what I should do next, but I do not want to miss the chance of being with her, for a while or for the rest of my life. By the way, is she reading my blogs now? Just kidding:-)
Ok, dissertation time. I am in the library now. Why it is so cold here? I should put a jacket here in the futre.

back from China

Hi, my friend. I have been back from China trip. It was a fun trip. I will load some pictures if I feel like it in the next several weeks, but uploading pictures or even blogging could not express half of my appreciation of this trip.
I definitely know Prof. Walder better now. A great person indeed.
I met four college friends I had seen for 4 years. None of their life stories surprised me. Some of them are still confused, but hey, who cares. I am confused too.
Of course, my family too. I finally have to admit that I have a quite dysfunctional family. Not that I will love them less because of that. But I am sad nonetheless and feel lucky that I am now thousands miles away. I tried to do my best to listen, to heal some accumulating wounds over the years, but I almost doubt my sincerity for doing that. It is very easy for me to escape from the mess (as I am doing right now) and say,"see, I did the best". But does that reduce my sense of guilt by leaving my family behind?

4-mile run and 2000-meter swim. Check, Check!

I know I would be lazy when I go back to CHina, so I have a plan to set some benchmark for the future.
Here is the truth: When you feel like you can do it, you can do it. I fearlessly embarked on the 4-mile campus loop, confident that I was going to run it. Sure I did, with around 30 minutes, and feeling great with the wind whooshing by my ear.
Earlier this afternoon, I also swam to relax my muscle in preparation of the run. With a combination of breaststroke and freestyle, I covered 2000 meters within around one hour.
I wrote these marks down just to encourage myself to keep exercising in the future. All goals can be achieved as far as they are being tought of. Maybe today it represents my peak physical abilities in my whole life, but I want to keep the spirit alive.
I won't brab to you about my physical exercising anymore, at least for a while. The topic has got old, and I guess my words are less telling than my actions. So keep it on, Songhua (and you, readers!), because you CAN!

Runner's high!

When you reach a runner's high, you can tell. I am in one today. Here are the recipes:
1. Keep running in the past several days before 6pm under the sun.
2. Drink a cup of coffee latte (equavelant to illegal drugs for athletes, in my opinion) around 2pm.
3. start running at 6:30pm (around sunset when the whether is cooler)
4. Run with normal speed 6000m.

I plan to run the whole campus loop before I head for China on Wednesday. It is about 7000 meters, and I think it is under my reach now.

My computer got a freaking spyware the other day, and I couldn't get rid of it no matter what. So I reinstalled everything and super-organized my computer. Now it is done, and I love my computer!

I am bored. Right now.

Ok, I am bored right now, so I will just spend some time on this blog thing again.
Strange. After I move out Victor's house, I no longer have any interest in Red Alert. It is true, otherwise I will be playing it rather than typing this meaningless blog.:-)
I went to an ASA conference today. It was boring, because most Chinese sociology students have no ideas of what they are doing. Girls have kiss-up questions, and boys have stupid confidence with their crappy papers. Maybe the above sentence is exagguration, but I am confident I am in a better shape than most of them.
I then gave Victor and Tahu a ride. And then Rachel and Victor treated me with a home-made dinner. You know, it is nice to have a family. You are no longer lonely, no longer wondering what you should do with the time before the midnight. Sometimes if there are kids around, you can put meanings to even the stupidest things, because you are entertaining the kids.

Working hard

Did I mention to you all that I am TAing for ALC (American language & culture) again this year?Basically, it is a bunch of rich college kids from Taiwan and Japan. They have the privilege that I could never dream when I was in their age. I sorta of resentful for that, but not really. I think I am just lucky all the way to reach my current position. In one boy, Andy, I see myself. He is sensitive and nervous most of the time. He is cautious to ask questions with a lowest male voice in the whole world. He is nerdy, in a sense that he want to absort everything we said without even slight questioning. He is obviously bullied in school. Thinking back, I was too, in a minor version. So I hope he good luck.
There are a bunch of beautiful girls in the group. They make me wonder whether they will become the future movie stars of Taiwan. To be honest, some of them have a better looking than current stars, plus they are highly edcuation. And now they even know American landguage and culture. You see, what a contribution I have made:-)
Today flies fast. I do not know what I have accomplished today, but it surely is a busy day. It is 10:50pm, and I am happy I have a happy day (sounds tautalogical, but it IS the perfect way to describe how I feel right now).
See Ya.

Blogger!

TOO LAZY!!!!
I finally moved out of Victor's house. Reason? His wife and kid were returning! Alright, my golden time is gone for ever, but is it for good? I guess it is, since I have wasted a lot of time playing video games and could afford more wasting. But on the flip side, it is a lot of fun staying there. The best part is that we still have some sense of detachment, so when I finally moved out two ways ago, I was not depressed for a golden age gone for ever, but elated of a new stage that I move onto.
MMmmm, what else? Ok, I hope you do not know the place I am currectly staying. I am illegally stay in an on-campus apartment since some of my friend's roommate has moved out and the extra bedroom cannot be locked. When I arrived, the living room and kitchen were so dirty that I had to clean them to get rid of the stinky smell. And no paper towels to clean them. So I biked around the campus looking for public bathrooms where I could steal a paper towel or two. Damn, it was so stinky that I had to hold my breath while cleaning the kitchen counter. Not to mention all the junky mail and plastic bags my friend had accumulated over ONE year!
I got a lazy boy chair yesterday. It is very comfortable, so I guess I will do more readings at home from now on.
I picked up running again after 1-week lapse. I have run in the past three days and will keep up with it.

Too lazy in the past week

Hi, I am a little bit too lazy in the last week, but I guess that will be about the frequency of my future blog.
Michele is leaving out department. I sent her a gift on Friday. i do not think she is happy in the job. She has the lowest status in our department. Sometimes she did some thredding upon Suzi's order. I hope she will have a much better job in Half Moon Bay.
I also met my former office mate, Jen, about 3 hours ago. She is taking on a job in Washington D.C., working for World Bank. She is not the smartest person in the world, but always sincere and nice. She told me she would opt to leave the USA if Bush is elected again as president. I hate Bush too, but I guess the more responsible thing is to stay and try to make a difference. At least you can cast the vote.
A good movie to recommend: Collateral. Tom Cruise is such a great actor, who makes a generic professional killer interesting. I am convinced he deserves every single movie award he's got.
I find out people are log in working hours when they do not really show up in the gym. So you know what? I did the same. Just to level the playground. I log in 3 more hours that I leave early on Thursday. I guess nobody really cares.

The village and the bush-man

I watched a new movie last Sunday,"the village". It is one of the better movies I've watched this year, but not as good as "the sixth sense" though both movies tried to pull a final surprise. We then went to the pier 39 of SF, where there is a famous "bush-man" on the street who hid behind two branches of bush and jumped out to scare people. He made a living by doing that because sometimes people will give tips for his effort. He is prety cool, though he did not scare me. But thanks for the effort, bush-man!

I, robot

Yesterday I watched the movie "I, robot" with Victor. I used to watch 3 movies with 6 dollars, now it is 10 dollars for one movie. Damn capitalism, you've corrupted me.
Anywho, we played "red alert" late night. Something alerming happened. I was so excited when I beated Victor and Frank that I could stop making hysteria laughing sound. I think there may be something in my blood that is fond of bloody violence, which was pretty much suppressed by my internalized social rules but released after a exciting video game. Just as a side note, sometimes I am also sexual aroused by violence. It is sort of embarrassing, so I wouldn't go further on that comment.
Sometimes I just do not understand how to be happy, and the thinking of this question adds to my dismay. But I think I've been happy since last week, thanks much to my trips that relaxed me. 
I went to swim yesterday. Do you ever have a compulsion that you have to do something? If I ever have one, it is for yesterday's swimming. I had a great swim, and find my freestyle is picking up. I am like a fish, gently touch the water and let it swooshing by while my two arms plunge strokes in a rythm that matchs my breathing patterns.
Damn Pat. She's made such a big deal about my working hours. Now I have to clarify with people that my working hours are less than forty. I can hate her for ever just for this small hassle she've created. MMmmhahaha!

Doing nothing

I am doing nothing since I came back from my two road trips. So we played red alart.
But there are some busy time looming. I am going to lead some discussion sessions this week for ALC. The library SSDS job also started, so I might just milk the work to get my 20 dollar per hour payment. The summer is ending, so I also need to have my first draft of dissertation prospectus. It seems a high order. TA website should alsp be started, stupid. I am looking forward to those busy days.

 

Near the lake 

In the sky while parachuting 

Trip to Las Vegas and Lake Tahoe (II)

It is time to recap my time in Lake Tahoe. First of all, many thanks to Connie and Ed to provide the room and meal. This is my third time in four years to spend a summer weekend in Lake Tahoe. They voted for Republicans in most elections. They are self-rightous and looked down over alternative life styles. We disagreed in a lot of issues, but I loved them nonetheless. Connie and Ed, you are just like my grandparents, and I could write enough words to express my gratitude.
On the way there, I was stuck in traffic jam for 2 hours. i couldn't belive that was the second time in two days! It seemed a lot of people driving to Lake Tahoe to escape the Bay Area heat wave over the weekend. Although I was one among them, I hate the rest of them, because they were all part of the traffic jam. Damn!
There were also a couple Onur and Emine (not married) from Stanford. We spent the second together most of the time. We visited the famous Emerald Bay, and then hed to Kings Beach. I tried to jog for three miles, but after 1.5 miles, I have to combine walk and run for the rest of the distance. In such high altitute,  I think I did ok nonetheless. I tried to swim too. The wave was big because the shallowness of the beach and the constant passing of boats. After a while, I gave up, lay down on the sand and just relax. It was a great day.
Yesterday we went parachuting. Of course, Connie and Ed paid for it. Because I did not weigh more than 150 pounds, I could not fly individually. So I went up with Connie. I  will post the pictures up in the sky in a moment.
Late afternoon, I left the cabin after hugging Connie and shaking hand with Ed. I then drove on the Nevada side of the lake and hit a casino in Stateline. Actually, that was the casino where I lost 40 dollars in 30 minutes this past winter. So it was almost logical that I lost 45 dollars there again. I promise I will not gamble there ever again, since I have such a back luck there. To my comfort, I won in video poker there. Maybe blackjack is just not my cup of tea.
I arrived in Victor's apartment at 10:30pm. (In case you do not know yet, I stay with Victor until next month, when his wife Rachel and son Justine come back) He was playing Red Alart with Frank online. He lost badly to Frank. Not to further embarrass him, Frank offered to play ally with him against computer. It turned out to be a bad move, because the computer beated the shit out of them with nuclear weapons. We went to bed at 1am.
That is why I am still sleepy now. I got up at 7am in order to work in the 8-12am shift in the library. I spent the past hours just to recap my experience in road trips. Overall, I was sitting in a car for 24 hours in five days, covering almost 1000 miles. It was relaxing, and I hope I can do it soon again.

In front of a big casino: Monti Carlo 

Hoover Dam 

Las Vegas hotel room 

Trip to Las Vegas and Lake Tahoe

I did a lot of travelling this past week, and surely had a lot of fun.
From Tuesday to Thursday I was in the sin city: Las Vegas. I flied there to meet my good friend Victor, who was driving across the country back to Bay Area. We kept a big dog and a cat in the hotel room and walked the dog several times a day. It was hot out there, and the air felt like in a sauna room. Actually, the ground was heated up so badly that the dog almost burned its feet while walking down the street in the afternoon.
Of course, what else you can do in Las Vegas? Gambling. Both of us were smart, or so we think, because we tried to remember the basic strategies for blackjack and video. We succeeded in remembering them, but not so much in beating the house's advantage. I lost about 35 dollars, and victor lost about 5 dollars. Nonetheless, we had a good time.
We also drove to Hoover Dam. The name seems to indicate a huge dam, an impression that has also been delivered by documentaries on public TV. But it is actually very small, and it almost looked no longer functioning. Maybe nothing is impressive any more after you've grown up. The same is for water dance in front of Bollagio (you probably saw it in the last scene of "Ocean's Eleven"). It is such a fake scene, almost like a big capitalist scam. I was not impressed, and I hope nobody will be impressed by it. But the society always creates stupid things for status representation. If you see Bollagio, you have high status, and more so if you can talk smart things about what you see. I hope I can escape this stupidity.
It took us 11 hours to be back. There was a big traffic jam on the way out of Las Vegas. We were stuck there for 2 hours, moving with a speed of walking the dog. For a moment we even worried about our car would be overheated by standing still under the sun for so long. The way across the desert was not that bad, actuakly. Partly it was because we went into a stupid debate on what was best social policy. Victor was not convinced by my criticism of his "best" social policy, but we shared a bunch of good laugh, which was the whole point of the debate.
Victor is my best white friend, for sure. I cannot imagine what my American experience will be like without him. It surelly would be interesting and adventuous, but definitely less relaxing or feeling like home. He grew up in social welfare, but he kept an upbeat life style while not losing his root from a poor family. He actually made me feel the imperfection of America. Ironically, he was also the new hope of America, and probably would make it a better place. No doubt, he has made America a better place for me.
I've wrote too much for Las Vegas. I will post my photos and my trip to Tahoe in my next posts.

Ok, I wouldn't say that my pecan pie is a huge success, so I skip the pictures here. Hehe.
I originally plan to go to a movie this afternoon, but i got locked out accidentally without my car keys. So I red TIME maganize in Victor's backyard instead. It turned out to be a great afternoon, but better than the one I would have spent in the dark theatre if I were not locked out.
I red one long article about John Edwards. I am intrigued by his life, his personality and his success. It would be an overstretching to say that I admire him, quite a lot. His optimism and charming is such a great gift that I can myself only imagine if I could ever have one of them. I believe he would one day be the president of the US, probably a great one.
Ever listen to Vienna Teng's songs? It is great, I guarantee. Go to http://www.viennateng.com/ to download some samples. Hye, if someone out there are preparing something for my birthday, her CD would just hit my heart:-)

Pecan pies

I will make two pecan pies tomorrow. Pictures will be provided soon. Hope they will not look too nasty!

Video game

Ok, this might sound embarrassing, but I played video game the WHOLE day yesterday. It was so exhausting, but I just couldn't stop in the middle of the game. So I finally went through the whole game at 00:30am this morning, and felt exhausted but guilty about nothing accomplished. Some battle scenes even appeared on my dream. (By the way, the game is Call of Duty. No matter how guilty I feel about my own action, I recommend the game nonetheless.)
But there are two up sides of yesterday's stupidity. First, I had the most imagitive dream as I can remember. The dream was clearly in my mind when I woke, but now I forget them all. There were things I could name, events that are totally out of logic. Second, I had a great day today. I am much more motivated, and can appreciate outdoor activities and readings much more. It is just like people on drugs. Doing drugs is a stupid thing, but the ecstacy (might be misspell) just might convince people its worthiness.
Well, after one day of abusing my time, I have some catch up to do. And give me strong immunity to be away from video games for a while.

lower the threshold

Yesterday I had a great talk with an long-time friend. I told her that I had repressive personality. To my surprise, she was not surprised at all (Other people actually know me much better than I have realized). She was only curious about how I could pull it off, that is, being a repressive person but still living with it peacefully. Well, I dunno. I think I just apprear to be calm, but so much actually going on deep down. I just had too much consideration of what would happen if I disclose my feelings. And if you know my early life, you should know my bad social skills when I was a child. I have a hard time to figure out what is appropriate time of showing emotion and what is not. As a result, I tend to keep feelings to myself to avoid the embarrassing moment of showing emotions in a socially inappropriate way.
My repressive personality comes a long way to explain why I haven't had a girlfriend in the past 6 years (WOW, it is a long time). So maybe I should lower my threshold of say "I like you".

Naked thoughts

Most of the time my thoughts are not naked. I mean, my real feelings are usually buried under layers of social norms and so-called rationality. But once a while, something external can trigger myself into a mode of true reflection, and that when I should be blogging. About thoughts that might sound a little edgy, but real nonetheless. For those of you who are only interested in my life in concrete terms, skip the following.
On journalism: Why I chose it and why I gave up eventually? I guess I have given different answers at different times to different people. But here is a cynical version of it. I love fame and power. So when I thought reports have both, I pursued the career. But after some part-time jobs, it did not live up to my expectation.
On happiness: I do not mind doing repetitive work everyday, but some changes have to be on the horizon that I can looking forward to. I enjoy the process of climbing th social ladder, or that I am always self-discipled enough to convinced me of the enjoyment. On the flip side, I would break down if no possible changes on sight and I am stuck in whereever I feel my life withered waway.
On why you should be the best, or at least pretend to be the best: "You have to" is the short version of the answer. "You better to" is more like an argument. One thing stuck me the most in the US is that most people shamelessly think they are the best, most interesting, sexually apealing, most experienced, smartest. This illusion may explain why most of the people here are happy.

Summer Job

I am tired now. My co-worker in the gym did not show up, so I have to turn the half-ass job into a full-ass one on my own. Talking about jobs, this summer I have so many jobs that I begin to worry about my progress of my dissertation. 4 hours in the library, 8 hours in the gym. I am also picking up some easy hours from my department. Unlike writing the dissertation, those jobs have immediate pay-off, some of them are either paying well or as easy as sitting for straight hours.
But people are selfish indeed. Sometime I will overreport the hours I work. For example, if I install some software while doing some shreding during the waiting time, I will double count the hours. Or I will work out in the gym myself when there is no supervisor. But you know, everybody does that. Today my supervisor asked me to purchase a digital camera and printer for the organization, but I feel that she will take it home when there is no departmental events.
Ha, but it is still for your best interests to be part of the game. Unlike in the fairy tale, you do not want to be the stupid kid who shouts, "the empiror dons no clothes." I am not complaining here. Actually I gained some in-kind benefits by gaining trust from them. But hey, is it the real world I will have to live with soon?

recent picture 

Music and others

After several days of slacks, I plan to pick up with blogs with the topic of music.
I am currently sitting in front of computer, taking notes from a great book "equality by design". My ear-plugs are playing Sarah Mclachlan's "last dance", the most romantic music I've heard for a long time. By the way, I highly recommend the album "surfacing". It just seesm to make my boring job of taking notes less boring, and sometimes carries my thoughts away to some unforgetable moments.
One of which is the scenes in Washington D.C. A girl and I spent one whole day in national mall. Sometimes we walked so close that our arms touched each other. She cried in front of Vietman War Memorial, and I had an urge to just hug her. I know, I know. I was just so close to say "I like you", but I knew I wouldn't. It was my problem, and I have to live with it.
But strangely, I never feel regrets for those lost opportunities. For me, life is just a play without explicit scripts but with implicit destination. I am just curious to see what's next, not regreted on what has passed. So maybe that is my another problem, and i just have to live with it too.

Back to CA

Finally, I am back at Stanford after 8 days of adventure in the east coast. Life will get back to normal and I will proceed with my dissertation prospectus in the next two mouths.
The washington trip is quite nice. Yesterday in Ellipse Park, we volunteered for http://www.aidsquilt.org/ . We unfolded three giant quilt. On the airplane later that day, I saw the news on CNN is about the event. I am part of the history indeed.

Blogger on

My workshop became less entertaining now. People began to hang out only with their friends, and the likelyhood of meeting new people are greatly diminished (though I haven't met about 1/2 of them.
More right-wing discussion comes out, but I am actually appreciated it. Their voice seems never been heard in Stanford discussion session. I guess Stanford students are smart enough to avoid opinions that are campus-political incorrect. But here it is different. A fair forum for them indeed, but only makes me more liberal.
I begin to plan my way back. This week is quite relaxing, to be honest. Quite a lot smart people, though they are not majority.

Today is off

The whole day is off for me. I skipped all the morning classes, and then visited Thomas Jefferson's house near UVA. Even great president had flaws. A lot of legends make people better, but how many of them are true?
I met a group of Chinese students on the shuttle. They were also attending the workshop. Why Chinese students have to do things together in a foreign country? Patritism, comradeship, or self-protection? I would say it's the third, but I believe they wouldn't agree at all. There is one Chinese girl who is more aggressive, and American guys' fond of asian woman plays into her advantage. So good luck.
Then I went to the gym for a work-out. Running, cycling and swimming. I even enjoyed sauna for the first time of my life. Luxurious indeed.
We finally went to the restaurant at 10pm, and had to request the reopen of the kitchen which had been closed on time. I have a great day.

Two days into the social change workshop

Today is more boring than yesterday. I saw some unnerving trend going on. Colored people and international people were tended to be segregated from the crowd, and I can hardly see any white girls (non-international) talked to minority people.
I think I joined a group of queer people during today's lunch. Strange, because I never made conscious efforts to be close to them. But maybe my experience in Terra makes me less likely to perceive them as different or more approachable from their point of view.
Anyway, still happy today. Will have an evening jog with a freind of mine in 2 hours. What an Olympic spirit!

From Washington and Virginia

I am now in UVA attending a week-long workshop. The weather is so hot and humid that I blasted the air-condition the whole way from D.C. to Charlettesville.
I met a bunch of cool people, which probably will bring some spotlights for the seemingly boring workshops. Anyway, I am gonna sleep off the first section tomorrow. Too tired of the flight and all the drivings.

Olympic Fire!

Today I have a once-in-a-lifetime experience. While I was driving down El Camino, I saw a group of runners carryinig 2004 Athens Olympic fire. I was not as excited as I would have imagined. It is a torch of fire, nothing special.
I am heading to Washington D.C. tonight. I will be blogging from the capital of the States. Stay tuned.

Gmail

Just waste the paste half an hour on gmailswap site. It is so FUNNY!
If you are not that creative (of course, who would admit this) and already know me, please email me. I will send an invitation to you in no time.

Another day

I wear a blue shirt with stars all over today. Sort of my unconventional dress. No photo available though.
Got my former roommate's email this morning. He got married back in China just recently and has uploaded some studio photos on-line. You can take a look, and maybe you will find you know him (Oh, sorry, I eventually decide not to add the link here in order to perserve his privacy.)
It is a weird feeling hitting me. He was my roommate 3 years, and both of us were single for a long time together. The photos definitely put some pressure on me. But on a second thought, my friend looks so distant that I wonder whether he feel happy after all. Of course, I shouldn't judge HIM, but how about ME? Should I gamble on marriage soon?
And just double things up, I have another photo link. It is about my dance performance back in May: Songhua's photos

One more blog today. Last one, I promise.

I worked in the gym today. It is such an easy job. I watch humbio 150 video for 2 hours and worked out in the gym myself. Besides, I have a job in the media library. Just being contacted by Pat about another possible job in the SSDS. Maybe I will be exhausted and rich after this summer.

Ok, I am beginning to blog

Heard of blog for quite some time, and imagined it as another weapon of geeks who are disfranchised by the whole world. But maybe it is not.
I might invite some of my old friends to visit the site. It is a great outlet for them to understand the life I am living. It is quite boring, but whose isn't?

Just move out from Terra (yesterday)

A sad day it is. I felt an emotional breakdown as bad as when I heard the news of my friend Xiangyu's death. I mean, I am not a quite social person and did not involve in lots of house activity. However, I love the house. Thanks for a great year, Terra. I will be back next year.